Two weeks into her stay at Castle's loft and three weeks after her surgery, Kate Beckett was off of the heavy duty pain medications, and functioning normally for the most part. She still was not able to do any heavy lifting and had to abstain from vigorous physical activity. Nevertheless, she felt more human, more like herself, than she had since before her diagnosis. She still had not received her pathology results from the surgery and it was weighing on her mind heavily.

"No news is good news, right?" Castle said to her one evening, in attempt to ease her anxieties. "I'm sure that's true", she replied to him with a sigh. Neither one of them truly believed it enough to calm their nerves. In order to distract herself from her worrisome thoughts, Kate decided that she was ready to return to work the following week. "It's just going to be a few hours a day and I'll be on light duty." She'd explained to Castle when he'd reacted to her news.

"Kate, please don't push yourself." He'd urged her. "Remember that you're only three weeks out. The doctor said 6 weeks before you'd be restored to full functioning." She snapped at him in response,

"Damnit Castle, I can't just keep sitting around here doing nothing. I'm useless and the least I can do is help out the boys." Upon seeing him flinch at her outburst she softened a bit.

"Look Rick. I know you're only looking out for me, but I really need to be doing something. I need something to take my mind off of…everything. I can't just keep sitting here." She waited for him to make eye contact with her and then held his gaze. "I promise you that I will take it easy and I won't overdue it. Besides…" She lightened her tone even more, "I'd hoped you'd be right there with me." She smiled to him, hoping that he'd accept her attempt at appeasing his worries.

He nodded to her, taking her hand in his own. "Of course Kate, of course I'll be there with you." He wasn't happy about the decision, but was wise enough to not argue with the detective anymore.

Beckett arranged the details of her early return to duty with Gates, and begrudgingly turned her weapon over to the captain as assurance that she wouldn't "do anything stupid", as gates had not so warmly put it. Gates had come by to visit Kate twice. The first time was at the hospital, when Kate was still too drugged to carry on much of a coherent conversation. However, the second time was at the loft, after Kate had weaned herself off of the narcotics.

That morning, when Gates made an appearance at the loft, Castle was stunned. He kept himself busy in the kitchen, wiping down the same counter for about 45 minutes, all the while thinking to himself, she is in my house. Please get her out of my house. Richard Castle was not afraid of many people, but Victoria Gates was an exception. With a single glare she could take him down, instill the fear of God in him. He swore that she could see right through him and glean his deepest, darkest secrets, its like she's an overbearing nun and I'm a schoolboy again, he shuttered. I'll bet she has a ruler in her pocket, ready to slap me on my wrist for my impure thoughts, he dejectedly muttered as he wiped the counter down-yet again.

Much to Richard Castle's shock and horror, the common bond that Gates and Beckett shared brought the women closer together. As they sat in the living room, Beckett found herself venting to the older woman.

"Still no word on the pathology labs," she spoke before admitting, "it's starting to drive me crazy."

Gates responded, "Beckett, if you let it, the waiting will drive you mad. Unfortunately, your life is going to involve quite a bit of waiting now." Without breaking eye contact, she continued. "You can't control what the outcome is going to be. All you can do is focus on what you will do about it in the time being. I've learned from experience that you can choose to dwell on the unknown, and go to the worst-case scenario… but, at the end of the day Kate, you'll find that if you choose this path you will waste a lot of time and a lot of energy fixating on things you can't change." Beckett simply stared at her,

"Sir. I don't know how to not go there. I can't not think about it and I find myself dwelling, especially in the middle of the night when I'm left alone with my thoughts. It keeps me up." Beckett admitted to her superior.

"I know it does Beckett. I'm well aware. Do you know why it does that to you?" Beckett shook her head at her captain's question.

"Because you and I are more alike than you know Kate. You're a control freak, you're a perfectionist. If you weren't you would not have achieved what you have. It has served you well in the past, but if you let it Beckett, it will work against you in the worst possible way." Gates paused for a moment, allowing for the woman to absorb her words, and then continued.

"Beckett, you need to have control. You need to have a plan, to know what is going to happen next. Because you don't know what is going to happen next here, you do the next best thing. You focus on the worst case scenario. You figure that if you can have a contingency plan for the worst, so you'll be in control no matter what." Kate listened to her words and was struck by the accuracy of them. She had been focusing on the worst-case scenario, but wasn't even aware of why she was doing it.

"Sir. I'm afraid I don't know how to stop, how to keep the fear out." Beckett admitted.

"Kate," Gates began, "you don't keep the fear out. Let it in, acknowledge that it is there. Then let in the possibility that everything will be ok in. Acknowledge that too." She paused and smiled, somewhat cynically, "I know I'm giving you this advice like it is an easy thing to do, and I know it's not Beckett. I've struggled with it time and again. Even now, eleven years later, that fear rears its ugly head every time I think I feel a lump, or suspect something could be wrong."

Gates ended their conversation with a final statement "Look. My advice is this. When you're scared, be scared. Don't push it away because you think it's cowardly. Avoiding your emotions is cowardly Kate. When you're angry, be angry. Let yourself experience what you're feeling. It will do you good in the long run, as someone who took years to learn this lesson, trust me."

Kate was surprised at the captain's words, as she'd never pegged her for a touchy-feely type. Not that she was touchy-feely now, but she was talking about emotions. Kate took a moment to wonder if Dr. Burke had gotten his hands on Gates and brain-washed her.

Her return to work began bright and early on the Monday morning of Kate's fourth week post-surgery. Due to the sensitive spot on her stomach (from where skin had been taken for the graft), jeans were out of the question for the detective. She was also restricted to slightly tighter-fitting camisoles, as a bra wasn't an option yet ether. So, in a black calf-length dress and business blouse, Kate made her way to the precinct. The heels stayed though. Oh yes, not even cancer would separate her from her heels.

To say the boys were surprised was an understatement. She was met with equal parts excitement and concern. They'd been working on a homicide of an interesting sort, involving a murder weapon created from ice. Had someone not staggered upon the body in the alleyway almost immediately after the murder, and had CSU not been quick to respond, they'd never have recovered a murder weapon at all. As it was, a great deal of it had melted away. Certainly fingerprint evidence was gone. Beckett was shocked and intrigued: an ice knife! Castle is gonna love this, she thought. She'd risen earlier than the writer, wanting to make her way into work alone.

She'd spent the morning going over evidence from the case, moving to and from the murder board, attempting to build a coherent theory that would explain why someone would use ice as a weapon. She was pulled from her thoughts by the approach of her partner, two coffees in his hand. Beckett smiled to herself, rejoicing in the normalcy of the moment. As Castle took the case in, completely enthralled, Beckett watched him with a smile. It was hard to imagine how much their relationship had changed since the last time they were both here. Since the day she kicked him out of the precinct, out of her life. Thank God for your insufferable stubborn streak, she smiled to herself, for refusing to let me go. Her musings were short-lived, as the ringing of her cell phone demanded her attention.

"Beckett." She answered her phone in her customary manner.

"Ms. Beckett, this is Dr. Kendall. I have your pathology labs and wanted to meet with you as soon as possible." His urgency did nothing to make her feel better.

"I can come by this afternoon if you've got any openings," Beckett suggested.

Dr. Kendall replied, "That would be great. How about I plan on seeing you in my office at 1?" After agreeing, she hung up her phone.

Castle, who saw the expression on her face when she'd answered her phone, and listened to her end of the conversation, ascertained that she was on the phone with her doctor.

"Pathology labs back in?" He asked softly, keeping his voice down.

"Yeah." She nodded. "appointment at 1."

"well, considering that it's 11:30, how about I take you to lunch before we go to the appointment." Castle suggested.

"That is, unless you don't want me to go with you." He added somewhat apprehensively.

She smiled to him, leaning in to softly whisper "I always want you with me."

He beamed at her words and she softly kissed his lips, pulling back suddenly when she realized where they were. Looking around herself quickly, it appeared as if nobody had noticed their exchange. She sighed in relief, scolding herself for the public display of affection. It wasn't that she minded kissing him, but they weren't exactly 'out' as a couple, and kissing in the middle of the precinct on her first day back on the job was certainly not going to make a good impression. Later, during lunch, Castle questioned her about it.

"Kate. Why were you so bothered by the prospect of other people seeing us kiss?" She could hear the hurt undertones in his voice.

"Rick. I'm not bothered or ashamed of you, of us." As she looked into his eyes she took his hands. "It's just that there is a difference between kissing in public and kissing at work. I don't want to give Gates any excuses to separate us; and our being romantically involved-" She motioned back and forth between them, "would give her that reason. It's a conflict of interest Castle."

"but you're ok with it?" He questioned her. She sighed before she answered.

"I wasn't at first. I was worried about it, but was so distracted by everything else going on that I put it aside. However-" she added, emphasizing that there was a 'but' at the end of her sentence "as I did think about it, I realized something Castle. You and I? We've been in love for years." She waited for his response before questioning him.

"Am I wrong about that Castle?" He shook his head and replied "no."

"Exactly" she said. "We've been in love for years and we make a great team. I think it brings into sync. We complement each other. For us, it works." He smiled at her, somewhat relieved that they were back on the same page.

"But Castle" she added the stipulation, "others, including Gates, might not think like we do. So I would rather keep this between us for now." He nodded, but decided to play devil's advocate.

"I understand, but Kate, we've been together day and night for the past month. I know that the circumstances are very unique, so it does not necessarily indicate that we're in a relationship, but I think the cat may be out of the bag Kate." She just looked at him, taking his words in but choosing not to take the topic any further.

Shortly after 1pm the partners sat in Dr. Kendall's office, waiting for his news.

"Alright Kate." The doctor began "The margins on your primary mass were clear, indicating that we got all the cancer." She smiled and let out a sigh of relief, but before she could speak he continued.

"The secondary nodules on your sternum were a bit less clear." He stood up and turned on the same image from her CT scan a month ago, before the surgery.

"This nodule" he said, pointing to the middle of the three secondary tumors, "definitely has clear margins". However, "we have reason to doubt that the top-most mass did. Furthermore," he continued, moving his hands down to the spot on her rib, "the pathology labs confirmed that we did not obtain clear margins here."

"We took longer to get the labs back to you because we were attempting to re-check and confirm the histology report." Kate simply nodded, and said nothing. She felt Castle's hand upon hers, lacing his fingers in her own and squeezing her hand.

"What does this mean now?" Castle asked the doctor.

Dr. Kendall replied, "Well, obviously we would have liked to have obtained complete success removing the tumors. Because of the nature of the sarcoma, and the patterns of their growth, it is unfortunately not uncommon to not take out enough tissue. There wasn't much to work with, and the projections from the tumors are microscopic, making identifying contaminated areas, for lack of a better term, very difficult." He stopped a moment to gauge Kate's reaction, when he saw that she was nodding he continued.

"This actually doesn't change much Kate. Our reason for giving chemotherapy is to attack any cancer cells that may have been left in the body. The major difference is that we're going to go ahead and start treatment this week, as opposed to waiting until you're fully healed." Castle looked at the doctor, with shock and apprehension.

"Dr. Kendall, is that dangerous for her?" He asked the oncologist.

"No, I don't believe it is. Waiting a bit would have given her a chance to re-build her strength and immunities, as well as make her more comfortable in handling the chemotherapy. However, given that she is feeling well enough to return to work, I think she's ready for it, physically speaking."

Kate finally spoke, "So how is treatment going to happen?"

The doctor answered her, "Kate, we're going to attack this with all we've got. We're going to use a combination of medications that have been established in the field, and that have shown the highest rates of effectiveness in killing the cancer cells. We want to be aggressive in order to do our best to ensure it does not spread." She nodded, somewhat glad that they were being aggressive, but also terrified of what the physical consequences of being so juristic would be. As if reading her thoughts, Castle asked,

"What can Kate expect from the treatment, physically speaking."

"Well," the doctor began, "we will be using the combination of two drugs, Ifosfamide and doxorubicin. These are both what we call high-toxicity drugs. Because of that, you will have what we refer to as inpatient chemotherapy. You will have 6 treatments, one per month for the next 6 months. You will come in to the hospital and stay for 4 days each month while you receive treatment."

"Excuse me?" Kate responded in shock. "I thought chemotherapy was done as an outpatient thing, you go to a center, sit in a chair and have a bag of poison through IV. Three hours or so and you're done." She was on the verge of yelling now, "Why the hell do I need to spend a week in the hospital every month? Why can't I just go one day out of the month and have it done at some center?"

The doctor looked at Kate sympathetically, "Many patients do have outpatient chemotherapy, but with these drugs Kate, you'll need to have constant monitoring, and you'll need to have intravenous replacement of certain types of blood cells. We'll need to monitor your platelets as well. It will also allow for us to pay close attention to your liver and kidney functioning while you receive the drugs."

Kate stood up suddenly, shaking her head. With a quick and angry "No. Just…No.," she swiftly left the office.

Castle sat, somewhat shocked by her sudden departure, but completely understanding of his partner's motivations. "Doctor, I'll talk with her." He told the older man.

Dr. Kendall nodded and spoke, "I understand that this is a great deal for her to take in, but the sooner we can get her started the better." Castle nodded in understanding. "Go ahead and set it up and I'll talk with her. She just needs time to process everything." The doctor stood and shook Castle's hand, handed him several pamphlets on chemotherapy, and informed him that someone would be in touch with Beckett soon to schedule her first treatment session.

He found her a little ways down a trail leading out of the medical offices, sitting in the grass under the shade of several trees. She looked so much smaller than he'd ever seen her, more vulnerable. He softly walked, as to not startle her from her thoughts.

"I just needed to get out of there." She spoke without turning around, a tremble in her voice. "I just needed-" she abruptly stopped speaking, words caught in her throat. He kneeled behind her and placed both hands on her shoulders. At his touch she let out a sob, "it's just not fair Rick, it's not fair." She reached up the back of her hand and wiped the tears from her cheeks. He leaned himself against the back of a tree and pulled her with him, cradling her in his arms and whispering comforting words into her ears. There they sat, both taking in the news and allowing themselves to grieve.

A while later he helped her up, kissed her swollen cheeks, and walked her back to the car. "What can I do to make you feel better Kate?" He asked, hoping that she'd have some idea, although nothing in the world would be good enough to fix this. As she sat in the car, she responded, "I want to take a bath. I want to get clean. I just want to feel normal again." As they drove away, he took her hand again, kissing it as if he had the power to take away her pain.

That evening Kate stayed to herself. There had been talk of her returning to her apartment now that she was back at work, but that option seemed lost to her now. Once again, Kate Beckett felt her world spinning out of control. Shortly past 9pm she heard the soft knocking at her door. She turned as he entered her room.

"I've been thinking", he began. "I have a bigger room, and my master bathroom is connected to it. It is equipped with a large bath tub, and is easily twice the size of this one." Kate was touched at what he was suggesting, but decided she would play him a little bit. "Rick I would love to switch rooms with you. It would be great." She smiled at him sweetly, relieved to have something to joke about after the day they'd had.

"Well, that's not quite what I meant, but if you-" She stopped him by placing a finger on his lips. "I know Castle, and I think it's a great idea. It will be nice to have a bit more room and more privacy in the coming months too." His bedroom was separated from the other rooms in the loft by his office, offering somewhat more isolation. They'd already been spending most nights in the same bed anyhow, she would be happy to know that he would be comfortable in his own bed if they moved there.

He helped her pack up her things to relocate them, making room in his drawers and closets. There was already plenty of room in the bathroom for her things. His room was darker than her guest room, not gloomy, but intimate. The walls were lined with rich, deep colors, blues and deep purples. "Its not purple, its eggplant," he argued, "its manly." She laughed at him and swatted his arm. "Sure Castle", was her response.

Once she was settled in she went into the bathroom. She was allowed to get the area on her lower stomach wet, as those stitches had dissolved. She would finally be able to submerge her lower body in water. However, because there was still internal stitching on her chest she had to use care to avoid it. She'd taken showers, by using a hand held nozzle to wash her hair and by keeping her chest away from the spray. However, she loved her baths and desperately wanted one.

She ran the water in the giant tub, pouring a bit of her bubble bath as the tub began to fill. He was sitting on the closed toilet seat talking with her as she moved about to get the necessary supplies. When it was time for her to disrobe he moved to give her privacy.

"I'll just be out there if you need me" he said motioning to the bedroom. She turned to him as she removed her blouse; motioning him to help her with the zipper on her black dress as she called him over to her. "I'd like it if you stayed." She spoke, her words sounding somewhat more like a question than a statement. He unzipped her dress and helped her out of it. As she removed her top and her underwear she turned again to him,

"I could use your help getting my back, it still hurts to turn and reach Rick." He nodded to her and walked over to grab her loofah and her bodywash, cherries, he thought to himself. He turned back to her, standing outside of the tub in not a stitch of clothing. The gauze had been removed from low on her stomach to reveal the healing scar, now without stitches. "Are you going to get in?" He asked her.

"After you do" was her reply.

He slowly placed her bodywash and puff on the side of the tub, and began to remove his clothing. Soon he was stepping into the tub. As he got used to the temperature, he moved to sit against the back, the water coming up just above his waist. She stepped in next and allowed him to guide her into him as she sat in the water. She let out a sigh as she let the water surround her, raising just above her stomach as she leaned back into him.

He brushed her hair to the side, giving himself complete access to the back of her neck and her shoulder. Next to the tub was some sort of remote control, mounted to a holder on the wall. He reached for it and pointed it toward the stereo system on the opposite side of the bathroom. He found a station and adjusted the volume so that the soft music drifted and provided an ambiance to the room. Taking her white loofah and pouring some of her body wash onto it, he began rubbing circles on her shoulders and arms. He leaned his chin into the crook of her neck to inhale the sweet scent of soap mixed with Kate. She sighed and rested her head against his chest, allowing his arms to snake around her waist and his hands to access her stomach. He moved the soap to wash her front, using care to avoid the bandage on her sternum.

Once she was covered with soap, he dropped the sponge into the water, replacing it with his hands. He continued to lather the wash into her skin, using it to massage her arms, neck, and stomach. He rubbed small circles into her waist, slowly moving his hands up towards her breasts. He paused for a moment when he felt her breath catch. Taking her appreciative moan as an urge to continue, he began to caress her breasts lightly with the backs of his fingertips. He used care to avoid the sensitive inner edges, where her incision was. He moved his hands up to her collar bone, caressing each side of her lightly as he moved to place kisses up and down her neck. Finally, he moved to rinse her off, cupping water in his hands and rubbing down her soapy areas.

It was apparent to both of them that he was becoming aroused. He did his best to ignore it, but knew that it was completely pointless to hide with her pressed so completely against him. She moaned again and pushed back into him slightly, causing him to groan in kind. "Kate. I think that maybe we should get out now, I don't want things to get out of control." He really didn't want to give her the idea that he was trying to start something with her, especially considering her healing state combined with the day she'd had.

Kate understood his hesitation; it had been an intense day. However, she was emotionally raw and needed him. She had also been acutely aware that they'd only been together once, over a month ago. She craved him. Conveying her desire and permission, she reached her hand up to one of his, which had trailed back down her arm. As she laced their fingers, she pulled his hand to follow hers. Very softly she spoke, "I need you to touch me." With that she moved his hand to dip below the water and seek where she needed him the most. He brought her over the edge quickly, and she shifted to place herself onto his lap, giving them both what they needed without harming her in any way. There, in the warm bath water, with one arm tightly wrapped around her waist to keep her in place against him, they spent themselves; whispering words of love and learning more of how to bring each other pleasure.

Later they lie together in bed, their positions mimicking how he'd held her earlier in the day outside of the doctor's office. She began, "I know that I'm going to have to go into treatment Castle." He let out a deep breath, rubbing circles on her skin. "Yes, you are."

"I told the doctor to contact you tomorrow, once you've had time to absorb his news. They'll be wanting to set up your first treatment soon." He continued.

She whispered, "I know. I saw the pamphlets you came home with and figured that you'd taken care of things after I left." After another pause she added, "thank you Rick."

As if on cue, he responded "Always."

She was not looking forward of what was coming, but at least she was secure in his staying by her side; and that was something.