A/N: Heylo! I'm on the 4th chapter finally! This is so exciting 8D
Thanks to: All my reviewers 8D Guest, Who really cares about my name, wish4euphoria, Indie, and Guest/Levells x3 I feel so warm and fuzzy inside :D
Warnings: This has not changed… still cracky and crazy! Riza is still crazy scary as always 8D And poor Al, having a case of the Mondays… D8 And, and talk about breasts XD
Disclaimer: I don't own this lovely masterpiece… not even a little bit T.T
It had been a day since Riza last called Alphonse, requesting help for Lieutenant Havoc. Al did tell her he was busy at the time, but surely… she could try again now? I'm sure he knows better than to keep women waiting for too long.
Mind made up, Riza dialed the number without looking at the phone; she's dialed it enough times by now.
"If you're in a bind that-"
"It's Riza… again." Hawkeye interrupted impatiently.
"Ah yes, how may I be of assistance today?" Al politely asked the lovely woman with a gun.
The lieutenant sighed in annoyance. "Look, are you free to take Havoc yet?"
Alphonse hummed pensively. "I believe so… ah yes, I'm wide open today."
Riza's face broke out in a grin. "Perfect! I'll bring him right over! Thanks Al!"
She hung up before he could utter a single word in response.
.
Lieutenant Havoc looked up warily when he saw the happy-go-lucky Hawkeye waltzing up to his desk. Hawkeye has been on the phone much more than usual this week… and she keeps looking in my direction when talking to whoever it is. This can't be good; I need to keep my guard up.
She saluted sharply; a gesture he mirrored somewhat lazily. "I have good news, Jean."
Havoc's eyes almost bulged out of his head. Since when does she call me Jean? This must be more serious than I thought. "What good news would that be, Lieutenant?"
Riza smiled mischievously. He really doesn't know? Well, this ought to be fun… "Very good news! I've booked you an appointment, and we'll get your issues taken care of! Isn't that great?"
The way she was grinning at him sent chills down his spine. "U-um, my issues? What are you talking about?" Surely she knew that his love for big boobs was natural? I don't have any issues…
Riza rolled her eyes. "For starters, your smoking habit? I've let this destructive behavior go on too long," she gazed at him in disappointment, "and you should know better!"
"I've been smoking for years-"
"And another thing, you have an unhealthy obsession with voluptuous, large-breasted women, and you need to confront this problem, Jean Havoc!" Riza all but shouted in his face.
Havoc gulped nervously. "Ok, I don't know what you mean by voluptuous, but the other part is NOT a problem-" he started protesting.
Riza simply cocked her gun in his face in retaliation.
"I-I mean, whatever you say, ma'am." Havoc stuttered anxiously. Why is she pointing that thing at me? I'm not the colonel.
Riza smiled again. "That's more like it."
He swore he heard her cackle deviously. Why is Lieutenant Hawkeye acting so bizarre? And SCARY? This is not normal, she needs help for it-
"Excuse me?" Riza questioned harshly.
"What?" Havoc asked, confused. What did I say?
Riza narrowed her eyes dangerously. "I do not need help, Havoc. How dare you even suggest such a thing," she replied quietly.
Havoc found the strength to break eye contact and search elsewhere for some help. He spotted the colonel, who was making panicked hand motions, and gesturing to Hawkeye.
"Huh-" Havoc managed to utter before the blackness got to him. The very same blackness Roy and Ed experienced just a day ago, in fact.
Riza blinked. "Again? Really?" At least he won't resist when I bring him in to Alphonse... but I'll need help getting him there…
"Colonel!" Riza shouted, "give me a hand, would you?"
The colonel immediately straightened up in his seat. "A hand? For what?"
"Are you blind, sir? I can't very well carry him all the way to Alphonse's office! Now get over here and help me!" Riza demanded angrily, aiming her gun at her superior.
"Y-yes, of course Hawkeye, right on it!" Roy replied, visibly paler than usual.
The rest of the crew-Breda, Falman, Fuery-only stared when they witnessed Colonel Roy Mustang and Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye pick Havoc up off the floor, and carry him out the door; Roy had the legs, and Riza the arms.
Riza smiled innocently at them. "You're next," was all she said to them before manipulating Havoc's hands to shut the doors.
The trio almost soiled themselves out of terror.
.
Alphonse Elric sighed, rubbing his temples. He had just gotten off the phone with the lieutenant about five minutes ago, and vaguely noticed a headache forming. Oh great, the day has barely started, and I already want to go back home… but I couldn't bear to upset the lieutenant. She'd probably shoot me.
He stared at the crater in the middle of his office, and groaned. "Where's my construction crew? I told them to be here an hour ago! Must I do everything myself?" Al grumbled aloud, none too pleased with the situation. It must be Monday, nothing is going right at all…
He sighed irritably, and clapped his hands together, then touched the floor, hoping to fix the problem himself.
Instead of a nice, clean floor, he ended up with a statue of Izumi in the middle of kicking his ass, about to fly into his laughing brother. What the hell…?
Frustrated, but not about to give up, he clapped and tried again. Instead of the result he wanted, the statue changed slightly. Al colliding into his now horrified looking brother.
He frowned, confused. Why is my alchemy not working? He sighed, but decided to try one last time. He clapped once more and touched the statue.
It changed from a statue to a message on the ground:
Don't mess with the housewife, for she is the best!
Al turned away; it would have to do for now. He sat back down in his super amazing counselor cat chair, and allowed himself a bit of lounging time. I could get used to this relaxa-
There was a sudden, shrill alarm blaring in his ears. Beware the flaming pony and the trigger-happy sharpshooter, beware the flaming pony and the trigger-happy sharpshooter-
"Who the hell is the flaming pon-oh, it's the colonel. Who came up with this alarm system anyway? It has such insane code names for people…" Al muttered. Oh well, better hope they don't hear that… And now… I wait.
.
Roy paused suddenly, and twitched. "Did you say something?"
Riza stared dully at the colonel. "No, you must be hearing things. More proof yet that you're crazy, sir," she deadpanned.
"Hey!" Roy interjected, pouting. "You could be a little nicer, Hawkeye."
She took a moment before replying with, "Nah."
"Anyway… we're here! Thank goodness, Havoc is heavy," Roy complained.
Riza growled. "Stop your damn complaining and pick your end back up! We're only here to give possession of Havoc over to Alphonse, and leave."
Roy whimpered in an unmanly fashion, but complied. Is it just my imagination, or is she starting to sound like Major General Armstrong? Scary…
"What are you waiting for? Ring the doorbell, knock on the door, something," Riza ordered impatiently.
"R-right!" the mighty Flame Alchemist stammered in reply, knocking thrice.
.
Al jumped at the three rapid knocks on his door. "Come in! It's open!" He put on his most convincing happy face for his potential patients, pretending not to know it was the colonel and the lieutenant.
He ignored the grumbling, struggling and swearing emanating from the other side of the door, and watched cautiously as the door finally opened.
Mustang and Hawkeye were carrying the unconscious form of…
"Excuse me, is that Lieutenant Havoc?" Al blurted out, afraid of the answer.
"Yes, yes it is," Riza answered casually with a shrug. "What's wrong with that?"
"Well… nothing… but will he be alright? He looks as if he won't wake up anytime soon," Al replied as casually as he could.
"Of course, he's not dead or anything," Riza responded smoothly, ignoring Roy's wild hand gestures.
Al watched warily as Roy pointed at Riza, then made a gun out of his hand, and swung it around in mid-air, pantomiming knocking a person out. All with a look of horror on his face.
"… Right. Well, care to explain why you brought him here, before he wakes up?"
"Oh, right, well, you see, like I said on the phone-" she was interrupted by some paperwork landing in her lap. "Ok, ok, we'll fill it out…" Riza agreed, slyly slipping the paperwork into Roy's lap. "Fill it out, colonel. He's your subordinate, after all."
"Do I have to-"
She cocked her gun in his face.
"… Ok… but you have to be nice the rest of the day!" Roy commanded childishly, arms folded.
Riza sighed, rolling her eyes. "Fine, now do your work!"
Al took out his handy dandy counselor notebook, and wrote:
The lieutenant and the colonel sound like an old married couple. Creepy.
Riza glanced towards Al as he finished writing that up. "What are you writing Alphonse?" she asked curiously.
Roy piped up. "He's reminding himself to have my harem ready for me next time I'm here," he smiled. "That boy, he makes me so proud!"
"Alphonse… don't give him a harem, he doesn't need anymore distractions. Please do not let him talk you into a harem. He is manipulating you; don't let him."
"Bu-"
"End of discussion, Roy. No buts."
.
Havoc opened his eyes, only to discover he was NOT in the office anymore. Well… not the right office anyway.
"Where the hell…?" Havoc murmured to himself.
"Hello, Lieutenant Havoc! Welcome back to the conscious world," a nearby voice greeted him.
The gears in his head were turning rapidly, trying to figure out who the speaker was…
"Alphonse? Is that you?" he asked, stunned. When did Al get here?
"Yep! It's me," Al answered, "and you are in my office."
"How'd I get here? I was at the command center just a little bit ago…"
"Oh, the colonel and Lieutenant Hawkeye brought you here. Apparently," he held up the paperwork, "you have some issues that were brought to my attention."
Havoc blinked wearily. "What issues? I don't have any issues."
Al hummed in response, and scribbled down a note:
Poor lieutenant, has no idea how deep in denial he is…
"Then explain your smoking to me," Al spoke softly, calmly, the way a true counselor should sound. For a true counselor he was.
"I've been smoking for years, kid. It's just that Hawkeye recently developed some sort of opposition to it. I really don't understand women…" he sighed wistfully.
Al nodded in agreement. "Yeah, they can be very difficult to understand. But I don't have any problems with them!" he exclaimed excitedly.
Havoc shook his head. "Don't rub it in, please. Not all members of the male species are as lucky."
Alphonse smiled sheepishly. "Sorry," he apologized while ruffling through the paperwork Roy hesitantly filled out. "They also said you have some sort of obsession with… voluptuous big-breasted women? Care to explain that one to me?"
Havoc frowned. "I still don't know what voluptuous means, but I cannot deny that I love those big boobs, man. You know what I mean?" He asked, stars in his eyes.
"Um… not really… but sure," Al responded slowly, and very carefully. Boobs were very dangerous territory after all; not something he'd dare breach quite yet.
Havoc smirked. "Oh, trust me kid, you'll know soon enough."
"… Right."
"Yeah. And for the most part, they love me too. But there was this one gorgeous woman, that rejected me flat-out," he sighed shakily. "Is it ok if I tell you about it? I've never really talked to anyone about this, it's so embarrassing…"
Al nodded, smiling slightly. "Sure, go ahead. I'm listening."
"Thanks. Anyway, a long time ago-years ago-I was just starting to get over one of my girlfriends," he hesitated, "she left me for the colonel, actually. Anyway, I was starting to finally get over her, when suddenly, Major Armstrong decided to set me up with his sister-"
Al gasped. "He set you up with the Major General, Olivier Mira Armstrong? How did you survive that?" he blurted without thinking.
Havoc chuckled. "No, no, not the infamous Ice Queen. He set me up with his youngest sister, Catherine Elle Armstrong. Well, tried to set me up anyway. I wasn't sure what to expect when I met her, but she certainly surprised me. She barely looked like an Armstrong at all! She's actually normal height, normal size-like the major general-but smaller, and shy."
Al nodded occasionally, trying to keep up with the description. A nicer version of Major General Armstrong? I'll have to meet her someday.
"… but it all went wrong. See, she told me first that she always dreamt of meeting a man like me. Like me. Then she said… she said…" Havoc closed his eyes, trying to remember the exact words. "She said 'I've always dreamed of meeting a man, just like you… except with a more muscular physique like my brother's. I'm sorry, but maybe we should just forget this ever happened.'" Havoc made a face at the impression, then lowered his voice back to normal, "I felt as if I had been stabbed, and practically disintegrated to the floor." He shook his head sadly. "Rejection is one of the worst things in life, kid, it really is…"
Al nodded fervently. "I agree, rejection can really do things to a man," he replied, making it up as he went along, "it's as if the women enjoy tormenting us, huh?"
Havoc nodded slowly. "Now you get it! Word of advice: Don't ask a girl out on a date unless you know for sure she'll accept. You'll be dead to the world if she says no; believe me, I know what I'm talking about," he reached over the desk and patted Al on the arm.
"Hmmm, I shall keep that in mind, thank you. Was there anything else you felt like talking about?"
Havoc shook his head. "Nah, not really…"
Al nodded. "Ok, then-"
"Actually, there is something I'd like to ask you," Havoc began eagerly.
"Yeah, lieutenant?" Al asked, slightly hesitant.
"Do you happen to have any lady-friends I could meet?" Havoc asked anxiously.
Al didn't say anything at first. He only stared at the man sitting across from him.
"Do you, Alphonse? You could be doing me a huge favor!"
"Um… no. No, I do not. Why would you even ask that?" Al finally replied with some disgust in his tone.
Havoc shrugged light-heartedly. "It was only a question, don't get so wound up… you know, you should try getting some counseling, kid, it might loosen you up a little bit!"
"Lieutenant-!"
It was too late. Lieutenant Jean Havoc managed to escape the office unscathed. It took Al only a moment to figure out why.
"Oh no, I forgot to turn the alarm system back on!" Al cried out in horror. Next time… next time he shall remember…
A/N: Finally! I finished! It only took about a week… sorry! I'll try not to take this long next time, I'm hoping to get it out in the next few days, I have a plan for the next two chapters, so hold tight! :D
Note: I have decided that I will somehow get a Hughes chapter in here later on. Would you like that? :3
Peace and love!
chocolatexloverx16