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Chapter 4 I Will Survive

It was thick, that was a good sign - none of the others had been this thick. How can something so simple be so scary? My mind screamed at me to touch it, but my hands were too shaky to do so. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths -it was now or never.

This envelope could change everything for me. I'd sent queries to every publisher I could think of to see if any of them were interested in the books I'd spent the last few years writing. I had heard back from four who wanted to take a look at my manuscript. Three of them had already let me know that while my writing style was "adequate", it just wasn't what they were looking for at moment in time. This was my last hope. Letting out the breath I'd been holding I opened the envelope, and quickly scanned the pages inside. They liked it, they really liked it! My eyes began to water and I let out a scream. Meyer Publishing was going to publish my book, I was going to be an author, and I was going to have my name, my face on the back of a book. Take that, Charlie and Jake! Oh, and while I'm at it- a big "Fuck you" to my high school guidance counselor! I couldn't remember the last time I had been this happy. I probably reread this letter about ten times, committing it to memory.

I heard the front door open, and Jake walked in. I excitedly showed him my letter.

"Wow, Bells, that's great," he deadpans, throwing his keys on the table, and opening the fridge to get a beer. I can just feel the hurt, and anger of the last few years building up inside of me. He doesn't care.

"That is IT!" I shouted at him. "I show you a letter saying that I'm going to be published, and you don't even care!"

"I said it was great, didn't I?" he fired back.

"You could at least pretend to be excited for me, Jake. This isn't just 'great', this is… wonderful, magical, life-changing, this is my dream come true! All you can muster up for me is a 'that's great'?" I said, mimicking him.

"Fuck, Bella!" he said throwing his hands up the air. "What do you expect, from me? I've had a long day, and all I want to do is shower, grab a beer and watch some TV." He sighed heavily, "Did you at least make me anything for supper?"

All I could do was stare at him, my mouth gaping but no sounds coming out. I have known Jake for a long time - sure, I might kind of hate him now, but I have never been really angry with him before. Until now that is.

"I'll take that as a 'no' then." He grumbled something under this breath before pulling off his greasy coveralls and throwing them on the floor as he headed for the bathroom. Oh no, he was not going to get away with this he cannot just treat me like that, and walk away. I had put up with a lot over the years, but this took the cake. He just stomped all over my happy buzz because he had had a hard day. No offer to celebrate or to take me out, nothing - just 'that's great, where's my supper'. I stomped towards the bathroom and opened the door; I was not going to take this laying down. I walked into the room and flushed the toilet, making the shower water unnaturally hot. I was rewarded for my efforts by a yelping Jake. Excellent. I smiled to myself; if he thought this was over he was wrong. I was though taking his shit.

"Fuck Bells, What the hell? I'm trying to take a shower." he said from behind the shower curtain. I reached out and grabbed the curtain, throwing it open.

"That, Jake was for taking my dream and my mood and killing it," I spat at him.

"Oh, for Christ sake. Are you still on that?" he frowns at me. "I'm happy for you, - really I am, but I don't see why you had to go and do this, it wasn't part of our plans."

"Our plans? Our plans?" I narrow my eyes at him "What fucking plans are those?" I was yelling now, but I don't think I could have stopped even if I had wanted to; all those years of living a life I didn't want were coming to a boil.

"You know, Bella, marriage, kids. I figured that once you've got all this writing nonsense out of your head, we could settle down, and move back home. I could open up my own garage like I wanted and, you wouldn't have to work, just raise our kids." He looked at me with those big doe eyes of his, but this time I wouldn't be sucked in by them. This was my chance, to stop being a coward and start living.

"No, Jake, those aren't "our" plans, those are your plans. Yours! They don't include me, because I don't want that! I never did. I do not love you! I never have. You are my friend, and that's all. After all that has happened these last few years I don't know if I can even call you that anymore." By this time tears where streaming down my face. "I don't want to marry you, Jake, and wouldn't want to bring kids into whatever this fucked-up relationship of ours is. You would think the fact that we have never had sex ever would clue you in, but nooo, obviously it hasn't." My face feels hot, it's probably bright red and my throat is getting sore. "I don't love you, Jake." My chest was heaving I was breathing so hard at this point I thought I might pass out. How did I let it get this bad? All I wanted was for everyone I care about to be happy.

"Bella, you don't mean that. The sex thing isn't a big deal, I know you want to wait for marriage and I accept that." He sounded so pitiful, but I could not back down now.

"No, Jake, I mean it. Every word, I can't do this anymore. I'm done. We are done" I slammed the door to the bathroom and went running across my apartment, into Jake's room, throwing all his clothes in a duffel bag for him. I couldn't stay one more night in this apartment with him. Since I had nowhere to go and no one to call, I wanted him out now. I threw some of his clothes into bathroom and set the bag by the front door, pacing back and forth waiting for him to come out and face me. Jake didn't come out of the bathroom until about twenty minutes later, looking very confused.

"I packed all your clothes in a bag by the door, you need to leave now." I stated point towards the door.

"Bella, come on, don't be like this." He whined at me like a child.

"I'm not being anything but me, Jake, and I have wanted you out for a long time, I moved here to just be Bella." My voice getting louder that more I have to talk to him. "I didn't invite you. You pushed your way back into my life and now I'm finally pushing back." At times like I really wish my temper wasn't wired to my tear ducts. I don't want him to think I'm crying over him. I'm crying because of him. "Writing is everything to me and to hear you say such selfish things to me about my dream finally coming true – well, it was all I needed hear. Get out, Jake, get out and don't come back unless it's for your things."

"Bella, come on."

"No, I won't 'come on' I don't love and I want you out of my house! I'm done talking to you. Now leave before I say some very hateful things to you I'm sure you don't want to hear."

"Fine, Bella, I'll go; but don't come crying back to me when you realize what a mistake this is. No one will ever love you like I do!"

With that he slammed the door, and I was finally alone. I felt lighter and sick to my stomach all at once. I sank to my knees, and I cried. I cried for all the wasted years, for all the sacrifices, for being such a coward, for all the mistakes made and for losing my best friend. I couldn't believe I had done that. What was Charlie going to say? Where would Jake go? No. I had to stop thinking like that; it was what had gotten me in this mess in the first place. I had to start thinking about me, about who Bella Swan was and what she wanted out of life. I reached up for the radio; it was late enough now for my favorite DJ to be on. I heard the tail end of the perfect song to sum up how I was feeling:

Cause I'm not your princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm gonna find someone some day.
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

I swear this DJ could read my mind, I had written my entire book to the music he played. It always fit my moods so well, and tonight was no exception. I let out a loud sigh. It was sad that the person that knew me best was a radio DJ who I had never met and didn't even know I existed. DJ Midnight Sun seemed to have a window into my soul; I wished I had a real person I could talk to who knew me as well as he seemed to. I shook all those thoughts out of my head. I was done feeling sorry for myself. Kicking Jake out had only been the first step to putting me first in my life and, I have a lot preparing to do. Walking back to my room, I look at my bed and, know I will be sleeping alone tonight. I stripped down to my underwear and hopped in enjoying the feeling of soft fabric of the sheet against my skin. Tomorrow would be a big day, tomorrow would be a fresh start for me. Tomorrow I was going to start the rest of my life. Smiling I closed my eyes and let the DJ's songs lull me to the first good night of sleep I had had in a very long time.