So, I've been busy and hopefully I will get to updating my other stories in due course, -Lumae.
The relationship between love and loss, is a strange one, for one could not exist with out the other. If you never loved something and if one day, it disappeared out of your life, you would not miss it, because you never valued it's existence. If you maybe felt a little but of love, for it, the amount of loss you would feel maybe a little bit of loss if it disappeared. It is suffice to say, that the greater the love, the greater the loss, the more pain and agony one will feel when the thing that meant the most to them, that they loved the most, disappeared. If you never loved, you would never feel the crippling loss, the question is, which is better, never loving or never feeling the pain? Was all the pain and suffering worth it, the simple answer was yes of course, but the truth is, there is nothing simple about the relationship between love and loss, as Meredith had discovered over the course of the day.
She was sitting in the conference room, staring out the window watching as the sun tried to set behind the hills. She was trying to piece together her life, even though the pieces seemed to be warped to much, with no foreseeable chance of repair. Nothing made sense, the world she saw out the window, was not the world she had seen just days before and that scared her. The fact that life could change so quickly and so permanently and there seemed to be nothing she could do to prevent the life altering changes, just like she could not stop the world from spinning. Life moved on, whether she was ready for it or not, and she was defiently not ready to move on. To live in a Derek-less world. She did not even want to believe that world existed but it did.
"Meredith why didn't you call me." Amelia asked, the question had been weighing heavily on Amelia all day. Why had Meredith not called her. She was a neurosurgeon after all, and she was first and foremost Derek's sister and Amelia could not help but wonder why neither of those things seemed to warrant a phone call. She would have like to know. She would have like the option to say goodbye to her brother, but she never got that chance and she could not help but hold Meredith responisible for that.
"Amelia." Meredith said, she did not want to have that conversation today, she knew it was coming. But she did not have an answer, well at least not a simple one. Why was it that she had not called Amelia? It was a valid question, but at the time. It hadn't seemed right.
"I could have saved him." Amelia said, a tear in her eyes, she could have saved her brother, if only she had been given a chance.
"Amelia, he was too far gone and that is why I didn't call you. There were to be no miracles, there was no hope. The love of my life, was lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to tubes and machines, too damaged to save. If I had of called you, you would of wanted to try for a miracle and whilst now, we can both try and be irrational and believe that their might have been the possibility of a miracle, we both know, rationally, that sometimes, no matter how pure and endearing our intentions, our hopes, our wishes for miracles are, they don't happen and holding on to that irrational belief, just makes the reality harder." Meredith said, she knew it was harsh but sometimes reality was harsh, like the reality that the love of your life was dead, that was harsh, but still true.
"And then, when you could not save him, that would weigh on you for the rest of your life. He would not have wanted to burden you like that, Amelia. He would not have wanted you to feel small and useless. He was proud of you." Meredith said.
"I could have said goodbye, you took that from me." Amelia said, angry but Meredith might have been right though, she had a point, Amelia did want to believe she could save Derek.
"Amelia, you would have wanted to try and save him. You would not have wanted to let go, I would not have been able to let go. I had to make a descision for Derek, he would not have wanted to be hooked up to a machine, he would not have wanted you to feel guilty, he would not have wanted you to see him like that. I am sorry you did not get to say goodbye, but Amelia, he was not there, it was just a thing that looked like Derek, but it was not Derek, not the Derek we both loved, not the Derek who loved us." Meredith said.
"You said yourself, the other day, that it almost destroyed you, standing over the body of the person you loved most. You came to seattle for a fresh start, this, look at me and tell me, that watching Derek take his last breath would not have destroyed you again, because it destroyed me." Meredith admitted and Amelia knew she was right.
Sometimes, you can not save everything, or everyone. Sometimes goodbye, is not enough, not when it is the last time. Amelia remembered how Derek had said, after he had been shot, that he did not want her to know the pain. He could not protect her, not anymore. The pain of losing part of you world, the pain he never wanted her to feel again, she had felt so many times since. Goodbye was not enough and she knew that, the only thing that would have been enough, was saying hello once more. Her brother was dead, and the pain that threatened to consume her, was unbearable, she looked at Meredith, she was not cross at Meredith, she was not mad at Meredith, she was mad at life, angry at fate. She was angry at love and how it drew you in, even though nine times out of ten, love obliterated your world. But it would not be love, if it did not threaten to destroy you, Amelia thought, remembering the last sage words of wisdom her brother had offered her, he was right, it would not be love, if it did not threaten to destroy you.
"Amelia, I don't think I can go home." Meredith finally admitted.
"Well you can't stay here for the rest of your life." Amelia said, bluntly, Meredith had been blunt with her, so she was returning the favor.
Amelia had a point, she could not stay in that moment for the rest of he life. She had to move, she had to leave, she had to go somewhere. She just did not want to go home. Home was a place where Derek existed, where his essence was encased in the very walls that held the roof up. He had put his heart and soul into building the house. She did not know if she would survive going home, knowing that Derek would never be there again. She did not think she could walk in the door and see his shoes, lined up, or his coat hanging on the coat stand, or his toothbrush sitting by the sink, with his after shave and hair products that she used to mock. She did not want to go home, to his washing in the dryer, and his pajamas under his pillow, on his side of the bed and the journals he had been reading, still opened to the last page he read. She could not bare to go home, to a house full of his things that he would never go home to.
"Zola and Bailey need their routine. They need something, Meredith." Amelia reasoned.
It was true, Zola and Bailey's world was no longer the same and they needed all they could grab on to. They needed their own beds and their toys and their routine. They needed to know that even though their father had died, the world they had known had not completely disappeared. That it still existed, even if it existed without their father. Meredith just did not know if she could do it, provide them with what they needed, she did not know if she was strong enough, to walk back through the door.
"It's just, home is full of memories." Meredith finally admitted.
"Memories aren't something to hide from, Meredith." Amelia said.
"Memories are what you get to keep, Derek's existence is now memories, don't hide from what was a good marriage, don't hide from the memories of making love, of fighting, of making up, of sitting on the couch drinking wine and talking about your day. Don't hide from the memories of Derek because they are all we have left and not remembering Derek would be a cruel and unusual punishment. Derek is worth remembering, he was worth the pain you are feeling now. You would be in this pain, if he was not worth it. Love and loss, you would never lose if you never loved." Amelia said.
Meredith sighed, the relationship between love and loss is much like the relationship between life and death. Life is meaningless without death, in a way death gives life meaning. Love, loss, life, death, they are things surgeons are confronted with on a daily basis, but at the end of the day, it does not make them any better at figuring out the balance and finding their way back. Derek had lived a life that was worth something, worth remembering, worth mourning the loss of love. He was worth it, she could mourn, but she still had to move forward. She was going home.
So, yeah. Anyway, to the people who seem to enjoy following my stories round and posting crap about them, it's getting old and boring, just saying and by the way, this has never been a story about Derek living, so I am not sure why you feel the need to compare the outcome to stories where Derek does live. Thanks for the reviews, have a nice day.
Cheers,
Lumae