Many thanks to Suninos for the beta.

Certain ideas in this chapter were inspired by Amberfocus's "Moments in Darkness" series and she kindly gave me her permission to use them. Thanks a lot.

Chapter 4

After a few minutes of searching the infirmary Rose eventually found the dermal regenerator and was relieved to discover that it actually had a manual. For the life of her she wasn't able to remember how exactly the Doctor had used it to treat the scratches they had received when Mickey had bombed Downing Street. Unfortunately she only managed to treat the worst marks because by then he was shivering violently despite being so hot and she stopped for fear of making his condition worse. Thus she simply cleaned the other injuries with water and a wound disinfectant she had found in one of the drawers.

In the next hour she read the report she had stolen in the hospital from hell and felt physically sick afterwards. They had tortured him with electroshocks and she strongly suspected that that was where the burn marks came from. But the things they had done to his mind were even worse. They had experimented on him, tried to change him into someone he wasn't and never would be. From what she'd seen the Doctor would never be one to bow to authority. They had tried to convince him that his whole life was a lie. And according to the report they had even been successful to a certain degree. Maybe that was why he hadn't recognized her in the hospital? Had they managed to break him?

While she was sitting next to his bed, every once in a while wiping his face and his torso in another attempt to cool him down, questions kept repeating themselves in her head. Would he recognize her when he finally woke up? And what would she do if he didn't? And if he could forget her – what else could he have forgotten? Would he remember how to pilot the TARDIS? Okay, she wouldn't be stuck here – there still was Emergency Program One. But the TARDIS was worrying her as well. When she had left the ship everything had been normal. Well, as normal as you could expect when dealing with a sentient time ship that was bigger on the inside. When she had returned she hadn't noticed it at first, mostly because she had been occupied with the Doctor's condition, but the lights were dimmer than they had been and the hum felt different. It was as if the ship somehow responded to his state. Would the TARDIS even be able to bring her home?

Two hours later the fever finally broke but the Doctor still showed no sign that he would regain consciousness anytime soon. Rose couldn't even remember how long she had been watching him. She was tired to the bones and waiting for him to wake up slowly drove her spare. After another half an hour of staring at his lifeless form and mulling the same things over and over she got up and ventured into the galley. Ten minutes later she emerged with a mug of tea, still unsure what to do.

For some time she meandered aimless through the ship. Eventually she ended up in the console room and discovered that the website with the CCTV feed was still active. One of the cameras showed something like a demonstration. A large group of people was waving banners and posters in front of a podium. She placed the mug on the console and clicked at the picture to enlarge it. Had the population finally woken up and was protesting against SecPol and their methods?

When she recognized two of the figures on the podium she gasped. What was Torrin doing there with someone who looked like of the scientists she had seen briefly at the SecPol building? Her eyes fell on a little speaker icon in the upper right corner of the screen. She clicked at it and a few seconds later the scientist began to speak. His words chilled her to the bone.

"People of Meurlin! This is the beginning of a new era. For aeons we have struggled against elements who wanted to destroy our society from within. These times are gone forever. Millions of citizens will be working together for one goal, united in one mind." He turned to Torrin. "And now please welcome the first New Citizen."

Torrin stepped forward, an empty look on his face, and began to speak.

"People of Meurlin! The future has already begun. A new world of prosperity and happiness for everyone lies ahead. With everything we have done and with everything we're going to do we only wish to serve Verolis. This is your chance to become part of something special. We cannot afford to pay attention to the wishes of individuals any longer. Only if we join forces we will overcome the challenges in front of us, the increasing imbalances between the poor and the rich, the menaces from the outside. Unite with us and the future will be ours."

Despite his apparently well-practised words his expression was strangely devoid of true emotion. With shaking hands Rose switched off the monitor, unable to bear the transmission any longer. This was her fault. She had persuaded them to help her, even bullied them. Without her they would still be sitting in the factory, or they would have gone home. They would be safe. And now she had destroyed Torrin.

She reached for the mug but it slid through her trembling hands and shattered on the grating, spilling its contents.

~o~o~o~

With a moan the man regained his consciousness. Images were flitting through his mind. An old man with a young girl, a man with curly brown hair and a ridiculously long multi-coloured scarf, a brown-haired woman whose picture flickered and was replaced by a smaller, blonde woman, fields of golden wheat stretching forever under the setting sun, a blonde girl swinging on a chain to save him, people in long robes, a blue box, a man wearing a velvet frock and a cravat, a burning city under an orange sky, sitting down with his family for supper after a day of hard work, the blonde girl again, this time wearing a black gown, taking his hand, and then just... nothingness.

The man clutched his head with his hands. Some of these images felt just wrong, but he was certain that there were some which were only supposed to feel wrong while others were wrong. Although he didn't even know how he knew that, let alone which ones belonged to which group.

"Doctor?"

He slowly opened his eyes. A face swam into his view, the blurred features becoming clearer after a few seconds. The girl with the black gown, but this time she was wearing jeans and a blue top and her hair was held back by a messy braid. She looked as if she was dead on her feet.

"Where am I?" he croaked.

The girl reached for a cup and held it to his lips. The man took a sip. Water.

"Infirmary." At his confused look she elaborated, "In the TARDIS."

TARDIS. One word, two syllables, six letters, but the word evoked feelings of safety, of home, of rightness and suddenly he became aware of a familiar hum and a likewise familiar presence at the back of his mind. Tentatively he reached for it and in his mind exploded a white ball of light. Like a purging fire it erased the forged memories and cleared his thoughts.

"Rose," the Doctor said in this moment of clarity and had time to recognize a look of relief on her face that was quickly changing into a bright smile before the white light tore down every single remaining barrier in his mind. He saw everything he had ever seen or done and then the wall that protected him from his memories of the Time War crumbled to dust and he screamed.

~o~o~o~

Rose had never been so relieved to hear her name before in her life but the feeling didn't last long. When the Doctor started screaming she stood next to him, frozen at first. Hesitantly she reached for him but she had only as much as touched his palm when she felt something like an electric shock. She hastily withdrew her hand.

After two long minutes that felt like an eternity the screaming eventually ceased.

"Doctor?" she asked tentatively.

"Out!" He said it calmly but his voice somehow conveyed so many suppressed emotions that he might as well have yelled at her.

"But..."

"Go. Just... go."

"Doctor..."

"Which letter in the word 'Go' did you not understand? Watch the telly, phone your useless boyfriend or whatever else you do when you've got too much time on your hands but for god's sake: Leave. Me. Alone." Now he was yelling.

Rose blinked, turned around and left the infirmary with as much dignity as she could muster. As soon as she had reached the corridor she carefully closed the door although she felt more like banging it. Then the tears finally came and she broke into a run.

When she came back to her senses she was sitting on the floor in a corridor she had never seen before, leaning against the wall, her arms slung around her knees, the constant hum of the TARDIS strangely soothing in her mind. She wiped her eyes and stared at the opposite wall for a few more minutes without actually seeing anything, then she got up and hoped she'd find her way back to the more familiar areas of the ship. Ten minutes later she found herself outside the galley. She was dead to the bones but a cuppa couldn't hurt, could it? The process of making tea calmed her further and after a few minutes of pondering she prepared an additional mug for the Doctor and walked back to the infirmary. She knocked hesitantly.

"Yes?"

The Doctor sounded weary but more like himself than before. She opened the door.

"Tea?"

He nodded and she sat down on the chair she had occupied while she waited for him to wake up. An awkward silence settled in the room while they sipped their tea.

Eventually Rose couldn't bear the silence any longer and asked, "What happened? I mean, I read the report," she gestured at the folder on the examination table next to her, "and I know that they tried to brainwash you and that they planned to..." She didn't even want to think about the lobotomy. And she certainly wasn't brave enough to bring up the screaming so she continued, "...but I still don't know why. Unless... you don't want to talk about it."

After a short pause the Doctor began to speak. "I overheard two Verolians talking about missing people. I asked a few questions and thought I'd look into it. Then someone dragged me into a hover van and the next thing I know is that I was in a hospital and they tried to manipulate me into thinking I was a farmer with a wife and a daughter." He snorted. "They were good, I give them that. And they nearly broke my link with the TARDIS."

"You've got a link with the TARDIS? I mean, other than the translation thing."

"Yeah, I do. It helps me to pilot her and to communicate with her. And..." He hesitated and seemed unsure how much he should tell her. "I didn't even realize that she protected me during the Time War."

Rose looked at him and he continued, "When people suffer a trauma they sometimes can't remember what happened. It's a protective mechanism. We... Time Lords, I mean, we don't have that. I remember everything. At least that's what I thought. Turns out I was wrong. The TARDIS built barriers around the worst events of the Time War. The destruction of Florana, the fall of Arcadia..." His voice trailed off and he stared at the ceiling, lost in thoughts.

Hesitantly she reached for his hand, fearing he would yell at her again. "Doctor?"

"I knew they were destroyed, even knew what happened, but I couldn't remember the whole extent of it. And then I woke up here and I felt the TARDIS and I reached for her and then..." His voice was shaking.

"You remembered," Rose concluded his sentence. So he had yelled at her out of pain and grief, and not out of anger.

"Yeah. The people in the hospital..."

"SecPol," she supplied. "And I don't think it was a hospital."

"Whatever they did violated the link and the force that was necessary to restore it destroyed every wall the TARDIS had put there."

"But shouldn't you have known that there were parts you didn't remember?"

For a long time he was silent but eventually he began to speak again. "Even under the influence of their little indoctrination program, without knowing who I was, I could see the destruction, smell the smoke, hear the screams. And then for a split second, when Elora told me I – Micael – had a daughter, I suddenly knew who I really was. And I wanted to give in. Give my consent to the lobotomy. End it. Never see those images again. Not even the barriers in my mind were able to protect me completely from the horror of the final act of the Time War. The memories I had were so... I thought they were complete. Because that's what I see whenever I close my eyes, when I try to sleep: My planet burning, the screams and then – nothing."

Rose stayed silent, still holding his hand.

"That's the worst thing. The emptiness in my mind. I could feel them, wherever I was in the universe. Until the end... And... it was my fault. I made it happen."

She looked at him questioningly but didn't dare to ask.

"That's what I am, Rose. A murderer." His voice was devoid of emotion. "I killed my own race. Every single one of them. But not with a weapon of mass destruction, a blinding bolt of light and everything's gone. No, it's worse. Much worse. I condemned them for eternity. The Time Lords and the Daleks – time-locked, forever fighting, forever dying. I'm a monster, Rose. Your mum was right. You really shouldn't be anywhere near me."

He freed his hand from her grip and turned to face the wall. Another awkward silence settled in the room. Rose just sat there, frozen. This was a revelation she hadn't expected at all. But there had to be more to it. He simply wouldn't do something like that without a very good cause. He wouldn't. She mulled over everything he had told her or had let slip accidently, all the things he'd done. And all of that led to only one conclusion...

She touched his shoulder and he winced but she didn't withdraw her hand.

"Doctor, look at me."

Unwillingly he turned around again, a devastated look in his eyes.

"Doctor, I'm not going to tell you that I know how you feel. I don't know and I don't think I ever will. But answer me one question, just one: What would have been the alternative?"

After a long pause he answered, his eyes directed at a point over her left shoulder. "I don't know."

She had never heard anyone sounding more broken. And suddenly she was incredibly furious. At the scientists for trying to destroy his spirit, at him for letting it happen. She had seen him do amazing things, he had saved her life more times than she could figure out at the moment and the life of every human being twice in the short time they were travelling together, and that didn't even include the incident with the Gelth. But he somehow didn't see that.

"Liar!" she shouted.

"What?"

"You heard me! You're a bloody liar! You know exactly what would have happened. You're a Time Lord, for god's sake! You should be able to read the sodding timelines!" she yelled. "I'm just human but I'll tell you what would have happened. The Daleks would have won. And according to what you told me over a portion of chips," her voice slightly cracked at the word, "they'd have destroyed every sentient being in the universe. Including Ruffalo's people, the Forest of Cheem, the Moxx of Balhoun, hell, even the bitchy trampoline and the Slitheen." She took a deep breath and continued more calmly, "But by what you did you gave them a chance to do something useful with their life. Like you did with me. And don't you dare say that some of them were evil or that Ruffalo and Jade died anyway. That's not the point and you know that."

A ringing silence followed her words. She stared at the wall over the bed, blinking to hold back the tears.

His eyes had narrowed more and more during her speech and now his voice came with a low, angry growl. "Rose..."

"I... I don't know what... I'm sorry." She turned around and ran.

For a long moment the Doctor stared at her retreating back, then he tried to get up to follow her but he was still too weak. Every time one of his hearts stopped for longer than just a few seconds it took his body ages to get used its normal state again. With a resigned sigh he sank back on the bed, his ears still ringing with Rose's words.

How dare she? She was just a stupid ape, barely twenty years old, less than a fiftieth of his own age, if he was honest for once. He had been travelling the universe for more than nine hundred years now, give or take, and this human girl thought she knew everything about him. It had been a mistake to invite her.

Down in the sewer with the Nestene Consciousness he had thought it was finally over, that he would no longer have to endure the emptiness in his mind. But this girl that kept turning up like a bad penny had prolonged his ordeal with her attempt to save him. And somehow he had become dependent. He was like a drug addict. He needed her, holding her hand, her smiles brightening his days. Because without her he would have steered the TARDIS into the nearest black hole long ago.

On Platform One he wanted her to have a glimpse at how it was to lose your planet, but now she thought she knew how he felt, just because she had seen Earth burn. He tried to ignore the nagging voice at the back of his mind which sounded annoyingly like her harpy of mother and tried to tell him that this wasn't at all what Rose had said. No, he ranted, it was worse. She had told him that he had done the right thing to condemn his people. Again the voice interfered. She had only asked a valid question. What would have happened if he hadn't done it?

For the first time since he had executed the final act of the Time War the Doctor allowed himself a closer look on those timelines whose possibility had ceased to exist because of his actions. Carefully he untangled them and followed each thread, every possible outcome. In the horrors he saw even his newly recovered memories of the Time War paled to insignificance. The most beautiful places throughout time and space – burnt to dust, overrun by Daleks. People he had met wiped out of existence, never having the chance to live their life just because their planet had been destroyed before they were even born. In more than one timeline the Daleks scavenged technology for trans-dimensional travel in the ruins of Gallifrey and conquered other universes. Every thread led to the same result. A nightmare come true.

Afterwards he simply floated in the maelstrom of destruction that presented the Time War in his mind. He didn't think, didn't do anything, he just was, and even that was nearly more than he could bear at the moment, after seeing everything that could have been and remembering everything that had been. Much later he once more felt a presence in his mind. For the second time in a couple of hours he reached for it as if it was a lifeline, although he wasn't even sure if he really wanted to be saved.

When the Doctor finally came back to his senses he found himself in the infirmary, again. Slowly he got up. He would recover much better in his own bed. Step by step he followed the corridor to his room, every once in a while reaching for the wall to steady him. Eventually he reached his destination, closed the door behind him and leant against it, thoroughly exhausted. He wiped the sweat on his forehead with his sleeve and for the first time he noticed what he was wearing. Disgustedly he removed the hospital shirt and discovered the burn marks on his torso. The worst marks had clearly been treated, not expertly, but they were healing nicely. Must have been Rose, he decided. He had only as much as thought her name when realisation hit him.

She was right. There hadn't been any alternatives with a less destructive outcome. That didn't mean he felt better about destroying his planet, he didn't, not the slightest bit, and he never would, but at least he could acknowledge that it hadn't been in vain. The High Council and the other pompous Time Lords would disagree but he didn't want to live in a universe where the Daleks conquered E-space and annihilated Alzarius, where the Eye of Orion became a Dalek production facility and where the silent beauty of Woman Wept was covered by the remains of destroyed battle ships, a universe where Mozart never wrote his requiem, Michelangelo never carved the Pietà and people like Ian and Barbara never fell in love because the Daleks had destroyed the planet even before the pyramids were built. She was right.

With a thud he sat down on his bed and for the first time he was able to mourn Gallifrey.

Rose curled up on her bed, clutching her pillow, and cried. He was never going to let her stay, after all those things she had said to him. But she hadn't been able to stop herself. Everything had been a bit much. Discovering that he had been abducted, freeing him, finding out about Torrin and now his revelations... She didn't even count getting drugged by a couple of would-be-kidnappers and him yelling at her. She was certain that was simply because he wanted to sort through his newfound memories alone, without a mere stranger as witness. 'Cos that's what she was. She couldn't even begin to understand his life. Not that she was time-travelling with a nine hundred year old alien in a blue police public call box from the nineteen-fifties that was bigger on the inside, although she strongly suspected that he had rounded his age down a bit. That was the easy part. But that he was living with the knowledge that he had destroyed his planet, the people he loved... And she had had the nerve to tell him that he had done the right thing. He definitely would throw her out of the TARDIS as soon as possible.

After a long while she fell into a fitful sleep. Sometime later she awoke, her eyes glued with dried tears. She didn't know what had woken her but she felt something was wrong. She got up, still sleepy and walked to the infirmary on bare feet, only to find it empty. She was fairly certain that he was still too weak to leave the ship. Maybe he simply had gone to his room?

For a few seconds she stood in the infirmary and tried to make up her mind. Then she shrugged and went in search for his room. If he didn't want her to find it the TARDIS would simply hide it. After she had taken a few tentative steps in the corridor she noticed that the lights in front of her became brighter, as if the ship wanted to show her the way. A few minutes later she entered a corridor she had never noticed before. It led to a single wooden door with beautiful carvings that resembled the swirling letters she had seen on the monitors in the console room and on the sticky notes he littered the ship with. She laid her hand on the handle, hesitant to open the door. Then she shrugged. What could he do to her? Yell at her a bit more? Send her home? Not that she wanted to go home but she didn't think she deserved to stay after all she had said.

Determinedly she opened the door and revealed a plain room with a single bed in a corner. In the darkness that was only partially lit by the light that fell in through the doorframe and a small lamp on the nightstand she could make out a figure clad only in pyjama trousers that was crunched on the bed. She closed the door behind her and discovered the white hospital shirt on the floor. When she drew nearer she could see that his body was trembling. The burn marks she hadn't been able to treat stood out visibly against his skin. His face was distorted with fear and every once in a while he shook his head in denial. He looked as if he was having a nightmare. Should she wake him? Tentatively she reached for his cheek and touched it gently. That seemed to calm him marginally. After a few seconds she withdrew her hand and he moaned. This time she took his hand and he relaxed once more. That left her with two options. Waking him from the first not drug induced sleep he'd had for days – he certainly hadn't slept since Downing Street and that had been nearly a week ago – or stay here, with him. After a few seconds of pondering – and fretting over his reaction to finding her in his room – she settled for the second alternative and set down on the edge of his mattress, still holding his hand, softly stroking his palm.

When Rose awoke a few hours later she lay on his bed, his body spooned behind her, his arms around her waist. She hadn't even realised how tired she was, but apparently she had fallen asleep sometime ago. Although she didn't want to think too closely about how she had ended up in this position. Slowly she extricated herself from his arms, trying not to disturb him, got up and went to the galley to make breakfast. She was pouring hot water over the tea leaves in the tea pot when the Doctor said from behind, "Thank you."

She nearly dropped the kettle. "What for?"

"For... everything, really. For being you. For staying with me last night."

She turned around and saw him leaning against the door frame, dressed in his usual jeans and a jumper, but looking utterly vulnerable without his leather jacket. And he was actually blushing.

"You knew that?"

"I woke up... and you were sitting so close to the edge, drowsing. I... I didn't want you to fall."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry for anything. I said 'Thank you', didn't I?" He made a step into the galley and swayed. He held himself upright by gripping the doorframe and Rose quickly put the kettle down, took his other arm and led him to a chair.

"For an alien with a brain the size of a planet you're really an idiot," she chided gently. "You should sleep."

He said nothing. Suddenly Rose understood. Nightmares. "You can't, can you?"

He nodded. "Would you..."

"Yeah." She tried to stifle a yawn but failed. "It's not as if I couldn't use the sleep myself. I'll be there in a few minutes."

~o~o~o~

The Doctor awoke after another few hours of undisturbed sleep with Rose lying next to him and finally felt almost like himself again. Most of the physical damage was gone and his subconscious had started the slow process of sorting through his recovered memories. It would take time to come to terms with his actions but it would get better.

Rose was right. It was better with two, more specifically, it was better with Rose. She drove his nightmares away and made him realize that there still was so much beauty out there he hadn't seen yet, so many things to discover in the whole of time and space. And if he for once managed not to land them in the middle of a disaster the next time they went to a supposedly peaceful planet she might even stay. At the moment he wasn't entirely sure that she would, especially not after he had yelled at her for, well, nothing. She had looked so hurt at the moment...

He had been wrong. He needed her, that was true, although not like a dependent needed the next dosage. No, he needed her because she complemented him. He had told her as much in Downing Street. He was no longer sure that he would choose the world over her safety. Because losing her would leave him as the broken shell he had been before and he didn't know if he could go back to that. If she hadn't told him to do what he had to do he most likely would have ignored Harriet. She had placed an amount of trust in him he certainly didn't deserve. He wondered if she would do that again, after everything he had done, after everything he had told her, or if she would want to go home as soon as possible.

As long as she was still here he was content to just lie next to her, watching her in her sleep. But the feeling of contentment only lasted until he heard her mumbling and moaning. He listened more closely but couldn't make out any words. He gently touched her at the shoulder.

"Rose? Rose, wake up, you're dreaming."

Eventually she awoke and turned around to face him. "Doctor, you're here." The relief in her voice was almost palpable and he realized only now that she had been crying in her sleep.

"Why..." He swallowed the rest of his question. Given the events of the last twenty-four hours she had a very good reason for thinking that he wouldn't be here. "What did you dream about?" he asked instead.

"Torrin. But he wasn't Torrin anymore. And then his face changed and he became you and I thought I'd never get you back..." she managed in between ragged sobs.

"Rose, look at me." He took her hands with his and she slowly raised her head to meet his eyes. "And now breathe."

After a few minutes she calmed down and he said, "Now tell me everything. From the beginning." Only now it occurred to him that he didn't even know how he had gotten out of the hospital and back to the TARDIS.

She wiped her eyes, took a deep breath and began, "You didn't show up at the meeting point and I thought you had brought the spare parts back to the TARDIS first..."

The longer she spoke the more his amazement grew. He had known she was special right from the beginning but this was far beyond all his expectations. She had gone into the lion's den and saved him. Not that he was convinced that he deserved it, after all the things he had done. And then he had made it even worse when he had finally woken up and the TARDIS had re-established the bond. He had sent her out of the room as if she was a disobedient child although he was fairly certain that she simply had wanted to know if he was still himself. Which was definitely a valid question after everything the people in the hospital had done.

"And then I looked at the website again and there he was. But he had changed. He wasn't himself anymore. The Torrin I met would never have said something like that." She blinked, trying to hold back the tears, and stared at her hands. "And it's my fault. I bullied them into helping me. It's as if I killed him."

"Rose, look at me."

Reluctantly she raised her eyes again.

"It is not your fault. You did what you thought was right and Torrin did the same. He decided to help you and he decided to go searching for his aunt. And SecPol did that to him. Not you."

Rose wasn't convinced. "But he wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for me. He said so, and Gavlin did as well. They would still be sitting in that factory or they would have gone home."

"Maybe," he allowed. "But what would have become of Sahra?"

"I don't know. And I don't even know if Halin and his aunt got away. What if they made them like Torrin?" She gulped when an even more horrible thought occurred to her. "Or they could be dead. I read the report, Doctor! It's not as if SecPol knew what they were doing with the chemicals and the surgery and all that stuff. They were willing to take every chance with you, and they thought you were valuable. Don't you think they would have done the same with people they cared a lot less about? And that would be my fault as well!"

She was almost frantic. The brave girl that had walked into the headquarters of an obscure government organisation for him when she should have done the right thing and pressed the button for Emergency Program One and left this godforsaken planet was nearly beyond reason.

"Rose, it's not your fault. None of it. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault." He emphasized every word. "SecPol did that to him. Not you." He looked at her solemnly, still holding her hands, his eyes never leaving hers.

For a long time they were silent, the Doctor's last words hanging in the room. Rose nodded slowly. She still was not entirely convinced but he had a point. And she was glad that the determination was back in his voice.

"And tell you what, Rose: We're not going to let this stand. We're going to make this right. For Torrin and for everyone else on this planet."