Twelve Days of Comfort and Joy

Chapter Four

Winter voices

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Four Calling Birds.

The early hours were often her worst times, neither asleep nor awake, that slight haze between consciousness and unconsciousness that regularly tricked the mind, that instant when you couldn't remember the worst times. For the first time in years when Shayera passed over the line into consciousness she didn't try to cling to the transition, she let the fleeting moment of temporary amnesia go, because she finally wasn't desperate to forget.

Opening her bleary eyes, Shayera at first saw nothing but darkness and it was a few seconds before she realised that her face was against John's shoulder, the light blocked out by the small niche of cosiness. It was...comforting, John's presence was comforting and she let herself remember the kiss they had shared last night. After that they had been like two love struck teens, sharing kisses as often as possible until they had finally just fallen asleep. Slowly Shayera carefully sat up and slid off of the couch, covering John back up with the sheets once she had stood so that he wouldn't grow cold from the slight chill in the air. For a minute or so Shayera did nothing else, the only sign of her awareness being the absent stretch of her wings as she spanned them out to their full extension before re-folding them, adjusting her shirt in the process.

Finally arriving to a decision the Thanagarian woman headed to the bathroom and preoccupied herself with getting dressed, returning some twenty minutes later kitted out in her winter coat, hat, scarf and gloves. Before she put her gloves on she grabbed a notepad and pen from the joint kitchen and scribbled a hasty note, leaving it somewhere John could find it.

Then she left.

The sunrise hadn't been a disappointment, the sun had come up slowly but surely, breaking past the horizon and transforming the wintery fog into a glowing gloom as it slowly dissipated and cleared. Sitting atop a snowy hill on a felled tree, a winged woman continued to watch even though the performance she had come to witness had already passed, but she hadn't just come to view the dawning of a new day. She had come to think too.

The last few days with John, tree hunting and decorating; she had loved every second of it even the off moments when things got tense and nerve wracking. However, over those very same days Shayera had felt the need to talk to him grow, there were things she needed to say and she knew now that they had to be said if they were going to be able to make something of what they had. Even if the confessions did push him away.

As she exhaled through her nose Shayera watched the curls of vapour swirl in the air in front of her face, a childish impulse grabbing her for a moment as she decided to blow the next breath from her mouth to investigate the difference. A tiny smile formed as the white mist passed and her emerald eyes returned to the landscape a head of her, it was still quiet down below in Detroit and she wondered if John was still asleep. Unconsciously her mind automatically linked to certain memories once she had secured her thoughts on John Stewart, the snow blanketing the area around her easily reminding her of the instance she had seen him snowboarding, laughing and frolicking in the snow like some tiny child. It was enough at that moment to bring a laugh from her at the memories, there were plenty more stowed away and it had been such a long time since she had allowed herself to remember them. Again her thoughts followed a natural progression, her mind asking if John himself remembered those moments, those random things they got up to when no one was looking or at least pretending that they hadn't noticed.

Just as her thoughts began to degrade into times she would rather forget, Shayera became aware of someone or something nearby, her instincts detecting another presence if non-specific for the time being. This is why she didn't so much as blink when a voice rumbled behind her, in fact, she really wanted to smile again.

"I thought I'd find you here." John remarked as he closed the distance between them, trudging in the ankle deep snow towards the woman who had her back to him.

"How did you know where to find me?" Granted she had left him a note but she had neglected to mention where exactly she would be.

John had now reached the fallen tree that she was sitting on, the man in question choosing not to concern himself with asking for an invitation, but instead plopped down beside her without hesitation. He looked out across the landscape and Shayera noticed that his eyes were glowing and that he of course had probably flown here.

He let out a long breath blowing the hot vapour out of his mouth before stretching out his legs "I figured this was the best place for a sunrise," He looked at her tilting his head only slightly before looking back towards the view "I'm guessing I wasn't wrong?"

"No," Shayera said the word slowly, sensing that something was amiss "It's one of the best places to watch it." It was too late when she realised she had said more than she had intended to say, because it was easy to consider her words and make the connection that she had been here before. She had, a long time ago now. Those first few terrifying weeks of her exile when she hadn't known where she was going or where she was going to end up...staying on the outskirts of Detroit hoping that John's closeness would keep her in one functioning piece.

"Why didn't you wake me up? I could have come with you." Shayera could detect something in his voice; something that told her the time to finally have their talk was getting closer.

"I...needed some time to think." She replied honestly. Neither of them had looked at each other during the whole transferral and it made her more than a little anxious.

John leant forward resting his elbows on his thighs for a moment as he thought to himself, his companion sorely tempted to sit just a little closer but choosing for the time being not to give into the temptation.

"I thought you had left."

The statement hung in the air for a moment, just as icy as the frozen precipitation around them. Shayera's mind trying to process just what it was he meant.

"I left you a note."

"I thought you were gone."

And then it finally clicked, he had thought that she had left him, completely.

"John...why would you think that?" Her tone was flabbergasted and a touch insulted.

He shook his head vigorously as if he couldn't believe it either "I don't know Shayera. I just...when I realised you weren't there and, when I saw the note." He noticeably swallowed "I thought you had just gone."

For a moment neither said anything, Shayera too taken aback and John too uncomfortable, but the former Hawkgirl finally managed to get the words past her mouth even as she turned her head to frown at him.

"You don't trust me...do you?"

The Thanagarian received a tiny amount of satisfaction in the way John squirmed at the question, but regardless the notion hurt her, but then no one had any reason to trust her, not really.

"Shayera," Her name came out slowly, she could almost hear him roll his eyes "It's not that, its just-"

"You thought I had done a runner?" The bluntness of the remark was meant to knock him off guard as much as it was meant to conceal her emotions.

"Shayera!"

"Well its true isn't it?" Shayera suddenly snapped "You thought that everything had just gotten too much for me and I had just run away?"

"Well it wouldn't be the first time!"

In the dead silence she could hear a small animal skitter away from the loud voices and a detached part of her mind felt apologetic for disturbing the peace. Instead of shooting a cutting remark Shayera swallowed a pang in her chest, folding her arms both to keep herself warm as well as to shut John away. She remained quiet, refusing to broach the subject, she was ashamed as it was of her past actions and having them dragged up and practically thrown in her face did little to make her feel better.

"I was...scared, okay?" He paused and looked towards her and regretted the pain he had caused by his earlier remark "I know this has been hard and I thought that maybe you weren't ready, that maybe I was pushing too hard. I was afraid I had pushed you away...and I'm scared that I'm not ready either."

This time the silence was suffocating and it was a painful minute before she decided to reply.

"I've never told you that I'm sorry." Shayera spoke softly as she stared at the white fluffy snow at her feet "I've thought of so many scenarios and conversations, planned out everything right down to the letter, but I've never told you." She'd planned half of them on this very hilltop while she tried not to be found by friend or foe.

John said nothing but remained still beside her, waiting for her to continue because he knew that there was so much more that needed to be said.

"Maybe it's because I don't deserve to be forgiven for the things I did, for the lies I told, but maybe it's because I don't forgive myself for the things I've done. To the others and...to you." She paused here, thinking just a little more and trying to determine if she could say it "That's why, John that I'm finding this so hard. I'm waiting for you to realise that you've made a mistake; I'm waiting for you to decide that I'm not worth the trouble." She shook her head, the bobble on her cream coloured hat wobbling slightly at the motion "But I won't leave, not again...I ask that you trust that if nothing else."

"You're not a mistake, Shayera...you're certainly not mine, you'll never be a mistake to me." He couldn't believe that she had even said it, that she even thought for one second that he'd wake up tomorrow and tell her he wanted to put it all to an end. Then again he hadn't done much to convince her otherwise, that had to change "And I forgave you a long time ago, but all those things...they aren't important anymore, we are what's important. What we have is."

"What do we have John?" Her voice was small again as if she was afraid of the answer, there was an underlying fear there that he knew she would never allow herself to show, not yet anyway.

"We have now Shayera, we have each other and we have a chance to start over." Gently he reached out and grasped her hand "I trust you, I just...maybe I don't trust myself to know when you need to tell me something." All that time before the invasion and he had known that there was something wrong but he had never been able to figure it out or get it out of her...what if that happened again?

Shayera nodded slowly but squeezed his hand in return "I am sorry, John...for everything."

"I know, and I'm sorry too." He made certain that he looked into her eyes in that moment to ensure that she knew the depth of his words.

"There's one more thing," Shayera turned to him and focused on him hard, because this was the one thing she was sure would push him away, but she needed to know, needed to ask.

"What is it?"

"Will you...when you're ready,"

"Shayera." John prompted as he saw her struggling to get the words out.

"Will you tell me about Rex?" Bruce had told her very little and she wanted to know just a little more, but most of all...she wanted to hear it from John.

John remained thoughtfully quiet and Shayera started to panic.

'I won't be destiny's puppet.'

Finally at last, he answered her.

"I will...but not yet...but I promise that I'll tell you everything you want to know."

When she nodded he knew that she understood and he decided it was time for him to ask a question that had been burning inside of him for some time now.

"What happened to you after you left? How did you end up with Fate?"

If she was surprised by the question she didn't indicate as much, instead she focused on the town below them as the noise emanating from it began to grow slightly louder. A lot happened to her during that time in her life, she had been more than a little lost and there was a great deal of it she didn't want to think about again, much less talk about.

"I'll tell you about it sometime, but," and she smiled here "Not yet...I'm not ready to talk about it yet."

"That's fine." John looked towards the town now too before looking at the snow around them, a smile starting to grow on his features. "Do you want to make a snowman?"

The quietness as well as the ice between them suddenly broke as Shayera chuckled "A snowman?"

"Yeah."

Looking at him she smiled even brighter, finally feeling like some of the weight on her shoulders had fallen away "Why?"

It was John's turn to chuckle "Why not?"

It was frustrating how something so very simple could be so very difficult. John stood proudly beside his snowman, all hand made without the assistance of his ring and glimmering softly under the mild sun light. John was just applying the finishing touches, a couple of stones for the eyes and nose and some sticks for arms. When he turned around to check on Shayera's progress he expressed poorly concealed laughter.

"What's that supposed to be?"

Shayera pursed her lips and set her fists on her hips squeezing her knuckles white in an attempt to keep her hands warm, her gloves had been removed to stop them getting wet from the snow and ice.

"It's a snowman." She retorted curtly, just daring him to challenge her. Her 'Snowman' was nothing but a pile of snow that looked more like a tiny mountain than a man, but all the same...it was her tiny mountain.

He shook his head and turned back to his skilfully constructed snowman "I can just tell that it never snowed on Thanagar." When he glanced back to her he noticed that she had dropped her hands from her hips "Shayera...I shouldn't have said that."

To his surprise she let out a sound of amusement "Why not?" Moving closer to him she inspected his snowman "It never snowed there, but we did have something similar to rain. The seasons were always mild but never as cold as this." She shrugged nonchalantly "I can still talk about Thanagar, its okay."

John nodded and handed her a stone clearly gesturing for her to place the stone where the Snowman's eye ought to be. "You must miss it." After Shayera pushed the stone into the snowman's face, she took hold of John's upper arm and guided him away just enough so that she could put her arms around his waist without aggravating his snowman.

"...Sometimes." She confessed, but before John could answer her he let out an uncharacteristic yelp.

"Your hands are freezing!" He exclaimed his initial shock at something very cold against his back subsiding slightly.

Shayera looked up at him with a mischievous gleam in her eyes, her hands moving higher up inside his jacket and shirt, John's very warm back supplying her cold hands with plenty of warmth.

"What do you expect? Besides...it's not like I have a fancy ring to keep me warm." John pulled a face but Shayera giggled in response, not quite the reaction he was expecting "As useful as that ring of yours is...I like you a lot more without it." She added into his ear quietly.

Now her grin was infectious and the Green Lantern found himself smiling with her. Sometimes he considered his relationship with the ring especially during his relationship with Mari as she had often seen it as a means to go somewhere, one of the reasons he was often sour by her proclamations to go to China or Italy for dinner. It was nice to be reminded that he was something without it more so by his current company, because she was an alien that was far stronger than him and he wondered sometimes if she ever felt disappointed by her very weak in comparison human who was wingless as well, but he knew he was just being insecure.

Confirmed when Shayera tiptoed and kissed his cheek.

"It's the Marine thing isn't it?" He asked with amusement in his voice.

A muffled laugh filled his ears "Oh yeah, John...the Marine thing is very hot."

"You've been hanging out with Wally again, haven't you?" It was always obvious when the founders had been spending time with Wally; words like 'Awesome' and 'Hot' as well as cheesy jokes and puns often entered their vocabulary.

Shayera still amused, smiled brightly before snuggling into his coat. "Maybe..." She said cryptically "Maybe I just have a thing for Marines."

John grinned broadly "Good to know." His fingers reached for her wings, burying amongst the layers of feathers he was slightly surprised by how much he had missed them. "Maybe I've got a thing about feathers."

"Trust me...I know you have a thing about feathers." She laughed, playfully pushing him away "Do you want to fly for a little while?" Shayera asked, flexing her wings testily.

"I'd love to."