Chapter 4

Did somethin' different this mornin'. Woke up and wrote in my journal. Stared at the sky and watched the sun fight with the hazy clouds. Thought about the girl the whole time. Followed her words as they swirled around in my head. Remembered the way she smelled as I held her close in my arms. Pressed down hard with my pen when the ink started runnin' out. Kept goin' over the letters like a broken song that repeated itself. Traced the curves and straight lines with my eyes. Let my mind catch up with it all. Said the words out loud after I understood its meaning.

"Make it to Boston."

I dreamt of the place. Didn't know what it looked like, but after last night and all of the shit we'd been through, I wanted to see it now more than ever. I imagined the girl's face—pictured us all standing at the berth of the city limits. Just the three of us standing there, mouths open so wide you could land a vertibird in 'em. Eyes captivated by the whole scene. Beams of light shinin' down like a kaleidoscope. I wondered if the girl was gonna' cry. Maybe Piggy would say more than two words for once. Break out into some song and dance and get all foreign. I'd kinda like that to be honest. Would remind us that not everythin's gotta be sad and gloomdusted.

Took a deep breath and made an effort to feel the wind flow through my dirty hair and across my skin. Felt good. Wasn't as good as I thought it'd be though. Still felt tired even though I slept like a baby calf. I guess that was the price you paid for dreamin' bout the good stuff. Had to believe that. Otherwise I'd have no choice but to chalk it up to gettin' older. And I'd be damned if I was turnin' into an elder before I hit my nineteenth birthday.

"What are you doing out there?"

I swiveled around and came face to face with the girl. She looked like shit—had big bags under her eyes. Still looked beautiful though. Just beautiful shit. Don't think such a thing even exists but I'd make it up for her cause she could pull it off. Her hair whipped around wildly in the air. Had her arms folded tightly across her chest. Guardin' that cold heart of hers from the rest of the world.

I held up my journal and shot her a grin, "Just writin' some things down. Figured I'd take your advice and start with the basics…"

Her brow furrowed, then her lips stretched into a huge smile. She was beamin' with somethin' that made me feel good inside. All warm and toasty.

"Like what?"

I snapped the journal shut and waved my finger through the air. "Now, now. Wouldn't wanna' spill my life story just yet."

"And why's that?" she asked.

"Cause I still got more livin' left. Plenty more adventure to write about. Full story's not done yet."

She kicked at a few loose pebbles on the ground, nodding her head as she thought about somethin' to herself.

"Promise you'll show me what you've written once we've made it to Boston?"

I nodded back slowly, then I stuffed the journal into my knapsack, "Yeah, I promise. Dunno why you'd wanna see the ramblings of a farm boy, though…"

She turned from me and started walkin' down '95, then she said somethin' that made my heart hurt in a good way.

"You don't give yourself enough credit…"

It felt special to hear her words of encouragement. Of words lined with a bit more beneath the surface. Maybe I was wrong. Coulda been imaginin' the whole thing in my head. Coulda been talkin' to nothin' but the dirt this whole time. But a little thing in my gut told me otherwise. Spoke to me in rhythms that transcended the world. Got me thinkin' and feelin' and experiencin' things that no human can when the weight of the world presses down on you. I'd often wonder how Ma and Pa got together. Contemplated what it would mean to have a family. Raise a kid with a woman. Maybe have a wife like the girl. She'd make a good Ma, I reckon. Had the grips to pull through somethin' like givin' birth. Had the wit and the smarts to raise a potential smartass child. Knew I was a smartass at age three. Didn't show it until I was five though…felt like milkin' shit for all it was worth till I was old enough to take the belt from Pa. Felt like a rite of passage in a way.

I missed 'em so much.

Knew they'd be proud of me. Felt like they'd approve of me bein' with the girl. Coulda been wrong, but my gut told me I was righter than acid rain. Eventually, I picked up my pace and followed the girl down '95. Left Piggy in the bus. Said he could hold down the fort while I played hide and go seek. I called him a dumbass porkshitter and then I tried catchin' up to the girl. Was fifteen feet behind her when I saw it in the distance about half a mile down the highway. A caravan of raiders. All men. All savage. They were screamin' at the top of their lungs—beltin' out their savage-like songs. Spittin' on the ground. Makin' animal noises. I saw the silhouette of the girl change in an instant. She went from as tall as the highest skyscraper to as little as a radroach. Her eyes were dead set on what I saw up ahead. She ducked down low behind another Pre-War car and waved me over.

"Get down!"

I shuffled over to her and bent down behind the vehicle. Brushed up against her and took my gauss rifle out. Stared her straight in the eyes and saw fear in her pearly blues for the first time. Sent a shiver down my spine. Made me feel what she was feeling. Felt connected to her on a deeper level. Wanted it to end but wanted it to be endless at the same time. This one moment. Anticipatin' death…yet we were just startin' to live.

Lookin' into her eyes made me realize how badly I wanted to live…with her…for as long as our bodies would keep breathin'. I put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed three times. Her eyes widened and then she looked at me with a confused stare.

"What does that mean?"

I withdrew my hand and placed it on the underside of my rifle. Then I raised it up with the barrel facin' the ground and smiled, gesturin' out to the raiders down the highway.

"Just wanted to let you know that no matter what, you've got nothin' to worry about."

"And why's that?" she asked.

I motioned with my gauss rifle and then stared right into her eyes.

"Cause I'm gonna kill them."