A/N: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, you guys are the best. Hope you're enjoying (or re-enjoying) my fic. And I love how so many people start their review with either LMAO, LOL, hahaha, or OMG.
In my oh-so-infinite wisdom, I just now realized that, if I were to stay on the current schedule of one chapter per week, it would be the middle of May before we finally got to the newest chapter. I decided that such a thing would just be plain cruel. So now there shall be two updated per week: one on Monday and one on Thursday. I can't give exact times for these updates, but afternoon seems to be the most likely time.
There are some new locations for this fic. The first is WIKTT's archive. The link is on my profile, since apparently, you can't post links inside the story on FFN. It will be pretty much the same thing as you're getting here, but at a different archive.
The second place is a bit different though. The fic now has its own blog, link also on my profile. Not only will there be the actual chapters on said blog, but a few extras. I'll post notes on each chapter (little things, like what I changed, why I changed it, etc); The List will be up there, hopefully sometime later this week (both the full list of 303 and the list I'm using, with just 99 ways); I may post various musings on characterizations (or the various out of character-ness that is rampant); and there is an FAQ that will be updated frequently. The questions for the FAQ will come from reviewers (i.e. you) and will go there, along with answers, of course.
Now, with all that out of the way, on with the fic!
Disclaimers: Very out of character, don't like it, don't read it, blah blah blah, you guys know the rest. The characters are not mine, never were mine, never will be mine, etc.
Annoying Professor Snape
Chapter 4 Are you sure about those sweet words of temptation?
Task 6 Ask him if he's 'sure about that, sir?' whenever he states a fact in class.
Duration At least five times within one lesson.
Task 7 Should he ever sarcastically enquire if you would like a detention, hold up a hand and say 'I will not be swayed by your sweet words of temptation!'
Task 8 Sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you
Duration: During Hermione's first detention.
"Ask him if he's 'sure about that, sir?' whenever he states a fact in class!" Ron announced the sixth task proudly.
"Snape hates being contradicted! You know he can't stand to have anyone question his abilities as a teacher!" Hermione complained.
"That's the whole point, Hermione," Parvati pointed out, exasperated. "This isn't supposed to be fun! For you or him."
"However, for us, it's a different matter," Harry pointed out.
"True, it's a lot of fun for us!" Ginny added.
"So," Hermione sighed, "how long does this task last?"
"Only one class," Lavender answered.
"One?" Hermione questioned, suspicious.
"Well…Only one class, but…" Ginny trailed off. She was thoroughly enjoying her time spent with the seventh-years, and was fast getting a reputation as the sneakiest among them.
"But," Hermione prompted.
"Here's the thing," Parvati said, in her straightforward manner. "It's only one day, true, but you have to ask him at least five times within the duration of the class."
"Five times! He'll give me detention for sure!"
"I'm not entirely sure, Hermione," Lavender told her thoughtfully. "I mean, he hasn't given you detention for any of the other things."
"That's true," Harry pointed out. "Personally, I was damned sure you would get detention for the whole 'Snapie' thing," he laughed, thinking of the memory.
A chorus of "Me too's" joined the laughing.
"But, if he does…" Ginny started, an impish twinkle that Hermione did not like one bit in her eye.
"Yes?" Lavender asked, intrigued.
"Well, if he does threaten you with detention, we could move onto task seven."
"But task seven is—" Ron started, but Parvati cut him off.
"We know what task seven is, Ron. I think Ginny has a different task seven in mind, which depends upon certain circumstances," Parvati informed him, quickly catching onto Ginny's plans.
"Exactly," Ginny stated.
"What's going on?" Hermione asked, intrigued in spite of herself.
"Well, you know how Snape is," started Parvati. "He never just out and tells someone they have detention. Ever the acerbic teacher, he always sarcastically enquires if you would like a detention."
"So," continued Ginny, "should he ever 'sarcastically enquire' if you would like a detention, hold up a hand and say 'I will not be swayed by your sweet words of temptation!'"
Harry, Lavender, Ginny, and Parvati started laughing uproariously, while Ron started to look a bit green.
"Snape and temptation should not be within the same lines of thought," he announced.
Hermione laughed, even though she wasn't sure if she would ever be able to say that to the Potions Master.
Temptation indeed.
/\/\/\
"The Anti-Inflammatory Potion was created in roughly the sixteenth century. The creator is unknown, and supposedly died while testing the first potion he created. He had, inadvertently, created the very potent Midnight Poison, so named because of the dark, rich colour and thick texture, and because it must be brewed at midnight. The creator's associate, a witch known as Ys, refined the recipe into the potion we use today," Snape lectured. "The potion, when applied to a broken or bruised bone will reduce the swelling and," Snape continued lecturing, but, for once, Hermione wasn't particularly listening.
Hermione looked around the room, and Harry nodded at her.
"Are you sure about that, sir?" Hermione's quiet voice carried easily across the now silent room. No one had ever dared question the Potions Master.
"Excuse me, Miss Granger?" Snape asked, his eyes narrowed and his voice dangerously soft.
"I asked if you were sure about that," Hermione answered more quietly, quickly losing her nerve.
"Are you questioning my ability as a teacher, Miss Granger?"
"No, sir, I did not question your abilities as a teacher, I merely asked if you were sure about that fact."
He ignored her completely, continuing his lecture. "Now, as I was saying, before being so rudely interrupted by the class know-it-all, this potion will reduce swelling and bruising, allowing a bone to be set easier. Also, should internal swelling occur, the potion may be ingested to keep the swelling down and—"
"Are you sure about that Professor?" Hermione asked again.
"Still questioning my abilities as a teacher, I see."
"No, sir, I am just wondering if you are sure," Hermione said, in what she hoped was a nonchalant manner.
"Would you prefer to teach this class yourself?"
"What?" Hermione asked, startled. She idly wondered what he would do if she informed him that, yes, she would very much like to teach the class for him. She decided her punishment wouldn't be worth the look on his face, though it would be a near thing.
"Unless you are as deaf as you are insufferable, you surely heard me. Now, Miss Granger, answer the question," he stated.
"No, I don't want to teach your class. Sir," she added, after a slight pause.
"Very well then. Since you do not desire to teach this class yourself, perhaps you could cease your incessant interruptions so that your classmates may have the opportunity to actually learn something." He paused, as if waiting for her to say something, but she remained quiet. "You will begin the preparations for the Anti-Inflammatory Potion today. As it must be brewed in two stages, you will start stage one today. Stage two will commence the class after next. You must finely chop the first three ingredients; be sure to use your silver knives, as any other metal will have an adverse reaction with the delicate ingredients. Then–"
But again, Hermione interrupted, enquiring as to whether or not he was sure of that fact.
"Miss Granger!" he barked. He stopped, took a deep breath, and continued. "I am curious to know why you feel the need to question every other fact I state."
"Well, I," Hermione struggled for a plausible lie. "I was reading something in, um, Potions Weekly about the effects of the Anti-Inflammatory Potion and—"
"No, Miss Granger, you did not! Fifteen points from Gryffindor for Miss Granger's horrible inability to lie. Ten for her being so unintelligent as to mention a non-existent article in a potions journal that every Potions Master reads in said lie. Ten more for her questioning a teacher," he paused, smiling nastily as his words sank in. "Honestly, Miss Granger, you should know that, as a Potions Master, I will read every credible Potions Journal available to me, and that would include Potions Weekly. I am beginning to think, Miss Granger, that you would like a detention," he said in his silkiest, most dangerous voice.
This was it, she thought. Raising her right hand, she stated, in what she hoped wasn't a voice shaking too badly from nerves, "I will not be swayed by your–your sweet words of temptation." How she managed to say such a thing to her Potions Master, she didn't know.
Everyone in the class stared at Hermione as if she had just grown a second head. The class was absolutely silent as her words sank in. Both the Gryffindors (minus Ron, Harry, Parvati, and Lavender, of course) and Slytherins exchanged glances, muttering that she was a goner. A few snickers were audible, as well.
Snape looked livid: his jaw clenched, his brows furrowed over glaring eyes, one hand clenched and the other in his robe's pocket, surely holding his wand and contemplating whether or not it might be better to just blast her into oblivion now and get it over with. "You will not what, Miss Granger?" Snape asked. Hermione started to open her mouth but it seemed Snape wasn't finished. "You will not 'be swayed' by my 'sweet words of temptation', is that it? Well, Miss Granger, if that will not sway you, perhaps this will help. You have detention with me for a week. How sweet is that, now, Miss Granger?" The class was silent. "In fact, sweeter yet, I think those detentions should be served with Filch. Class dismissed."
The only people who left the class laughing that day were Slytherins.
/\/\/\
"I think this is going too far, guys," Hermione told the group that night in the Common Room.
"C'mon Hermione, it's not that bad," Ron told her.
" 'Not that bad'? Ever the captain of understatements, Ron! I have detention for a week with Filch!"
"Well, what's the worse that could happen?" Ron asked.
"I don't even want to think about it."
"Look, Hermione, we never thought he'd get so upset. A week's worth of detention is tough," Harry said sympathetically. "We'll try and go through the tasks, see if there are any more that might set Snape off."
"Yeah, Hermione, don't worry," Parvati said, with a kind smile.
There was a tapping at the window suddenly, and Ginny went to let the large tawny owl in. It swooped down towards Hermione and dropped a note in her lap. Without bothering to wait for Hermione to open it, the owl left through the open window.
Hermione read the short note, and wasn't sure if it classified as good news or bad news. It was more on the bad side, in her opinion.
"What's it say?" Lavender asked.
Hermione sighed. "It seems Filch has to many people in detentions, so Dumbledore won't let him take any more. My detention is with Snape now. The first one is tomorrow at eight. Great," Hermione groaned, "just what I need before I go to sleep. Snape and whatever horrid punishment he has in store for me."
Detention with Snape…it couldn't be worse.
/\/\/\
It was seven o'clock the next evening, an hour before her detention. The seventh year group, along with Ginny, was sitting about languidly.
Except Hermione.
Hermione was pacing in front of the group, wondering what Snape would make her do for detention.
"You realize, Hermione," Ron informed her, "that it is time for task eight, right?"
Hermione turned in a swirl of robes. "What?" she shouted, causing people to stare at the (barmy, in their opinion) group by the window. "I have gods only know how many detentions with Snape and you suggest another task?"
"Ron's right, Hermione. Task eight is to," Harry pulled a face, "Gods, this is…well, the task is to sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you. Sorry, mate, I can guarantee I didn't come up with this one."
Both Harry and Ron looked a little green, Ginny was trying very hard (and unsuccessfully) not to snicker, while Lavender and Parvati exchanged innocent glances.
"Fine," Hermione said. "It's not that bad, I reckon."
Besides, its not like I have to actually do the task. How will they know?
"Oh, and Hermione," Harry informed her, "Don't think of trying to skive off. The Marauder's Map."
"But you can't…oh."
They had found out, in their sixth year, that you could, with the proper incantation (I solemnly swear that, while I am up to no good, I am not a voyeur. Show whom I ask.) the map would show them anyone in Hogwarts, as long as they weren't taking a shower, having sex, or naked in any way. The only thing the map showed in those circumstances was a blank page, with Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs' speculations on what the person was up to.
"I have to sigh loudly?" she asked. "That's all?"
"That's it," Parvati said. "Shouldn't be too hard."
"But what if he thinks I'm sighing over him, like some sort of love-sick schoolgirl?" Hermione asked, curling her lip in disgust.
"I hardly think he'll jump to that conclusion," Ginny said, laughing.
"I don't know," Lavender said seriously, looking thoughtful. "There are some younger Slytherin girls who have been sighing over him lately. And not because of an insane challenge."
"You're joking!" Ron said. "How could they– But he– Ewww!"
"Oh Ron, grow up," Parvati said.
"You agree with them, then?" Harry asked, his eyes wide.
"No, of course not. He's been horrid to me since I came here. Just because his looks are marginally better–"
"What?" Hermione all but shouted, cutting her off.
"You haven't noticed then?" Lavender asked.
"Why are we discussing Snape's looks?" Harry asked, as if to himself. He was ignored.
"Noticed what?" Ginny asked, curiously.
"His skin and hair aren't as greasy as they once were, for one thing," Parvati said.
"And his skin no longer has such a horrid yellow cast to it," Lavender pointed out.
"How is it you two are noticing so much about Snape?" Harry asked, only to be ignored once more.
"He's still pale, yes, but that's to be expected from one who lives in a dungeon."
"How can you be saying this?" Ron asked. "The man is a slimy, greasy, no good git!" He too was ignored.
"How can you not have noticed Ginny? Or you, Hermione?" Lavender asked.
"How would I have noticed? I don't make it a point to study the man. I guess I just never really paid attention. The changes can't be that drastic, or surely others would have noticed by now," Hermione stated.
"He's a horrid piece of filth," Ron continued, oblivious to the fact that he was being ignored, "He pickles small animals and keeps the jars in his office!"
"Now that you mention it," Ginny started, "I think I know what you two mean. And Hermione, you're right; the changes aren't drastic. In fact, had Parvati or Lavender not said anything, I probably wouldn't have noticed either."
"And–and–his nose is big!" Ron yelled, aware he was being ignored but determined to make somebody listen to him.
"Well, you know what they say about men with large noses," Lavender said, winking and grinning mischievously.
Ron's mouth opened and closed but no words came out. He remained silent.
"But why do you think he's finally changed?" Hermione asked.
"Isn't it obvious?" Parvati asked. "The war is over. He has the time, ability, and the will to make an effort. He probably feels the freedom as much as anyone else."
"More," Harry said softly. When everyone quieted and looked at him, he continued. "He was a spy, as you all know. Think about it. Who would have the least freedom while Voldemort was still a threat? He could do nothing without fear that Voldemort, his supposed lord and master, would find out and learn of his duplicity. He lived in constant fear of his life. Now that he's gone, Snape is probably enjoying his hard won freedom more than anyone. We all make sacrifices during war, of course, but I can think of few who made quite so many as Snape."
Everyone was quiet for a moment, lost in their own thoughts. Hermione knew there was no love lost between Snape and Harry. Harry–and even Ron–may have learned and finally believed that Snape was on their side, but that didn't mean they were suddenly friends. The only thing that had changed was now, in place of Harry's contempt, there was a grudging respect for the man who had done so much to help their cause. Harry and Ron might still refer to him as a 'greasy git' but they both remembered what he had done.
"Well, that explains it then," Parvati said. "Now that he has a chance at a normal life, he's making an effort. Good for him, I say."
"About time," Lavender agreed.
Hermione smiled to herself. She vowed that, next time she saw Snape, she would see if what Lavender and Parvati had said was true. Hermione looked at the clock on the mantel and realized she wouldn't have long to wait; her detention was in ten minutes.
"I've got to go," Hermione told her friends. "Wish me luck."
To Be Continued...
A/N: Yes, I know, it is a bit of a cliche to have Snape getting better looking. But, instead of cliche, I like to look at it as more of a humor!fic staple. There are some things a humor!fic must have (other than humor, of course...). These things seem to include, but are not limited to: Snape becoming better looking; questions concerning Draco's sexuality; Lucius not being The All Powerful Evil One, and perhaps even reforming; leather pants of some sort, usually on one of the male characters; Draco being redeemed through some heroic deed he performed during The War; Dumbledore not minding that the hijinks occurring in said humor!fic would and do effect classes, studying, other students, teachers...etc, and in fact, maybe going so far as to join in; a not-so-strict McGonagall, who may even turn out to be quite the party animal... The list goes on. Now, just because these seem to be unwritten requirements, does not mean that all of them will appear in this fic. A fair few, but (probably) not all of them.
If you have any more to add to the list, please do! Who knows, it may even end up in this humor!fic. Stranger things have happened...