The rest of the evening had passed in a pleasant haze, like Rory was drunk off just being near Logan, and she only remembered moments of it. They'd listened to her personal, private Spotify playlist on the drive home - a selection of Richard's favourite songs - and kept it playing through the house long after they got in. She'd skimmed through the baby book he'd bought her as he finally showered his ten-hour flight away. Her playlist had reached Moon River when he reemerged and he'd taken the book from her hands and kissed her, his hands framing her face just like they had the very first time.
She'd been the one to deepen the kiss, the one who first slid their hands beneath the other's clothes, and they were both half-undressed before Rory had the presence of mind to suggest moving things out of the living room. He'd swept her into his arms, kept kissing her as he carried her to her bed, and they'd worn themselves out relearning the other's body, remembering exactly where to kiss and nip and stroke to make the other gasp and whimper - as if a month was long enough for her to forget anything about him when several years hadn't been able to dim the memories of how best to love him.
Logan had fallen asleep soon after, sprawling across the bed the way he always did - one leg hanging off the side, his torso twisted towards her, one arm resting heavily over her stomach and his face pressed against her shoulder, mouth slightly open, each soft snore a warm caress of air on her bare skin. Rory hadn't found sleep so easy to give in to, the blissful emptiness of her mind only lasting a few minutes before everything came back to her at once, all her thoughts nagging at her and keeping her wide awake.
She'd tried to ignore them, curling into Logan, her fingers combing gently through his sweat-damp hair, but it hadn't worked. Instead, she'd dug a notepad and pen out of her bedside table and started on her pro and con list, using only the light of her phone to illuminate her words.
Rory wasn't sure when she'd fallen asleep, but she hadn't expected to wake up alone.
Her notepad, pen and phone were piled neatly on the table, their edges highlighted by the faint light of her alarm clock - 3:56am - and she wondered if Logan had put them there when he'd woken up and left her side, if he'd read her late-night, private ruminations on what would be their future.
She stayed in bed for a while, burrowing into the warmth Logan left behind, trying to surround herself with the faint smell of his cologne and let the comfort it brought her lull her back to sleep, but when a few minutes passed and Logan didn't return, she abandoned the warmth of the bed to go find him.
The fall air was cold against her naked body and she quickly slipped into a pair of pyjamas and wrapped herself in her fluffiest robe. She took her phone and notepad with her, reluctant to leave the book behind when a thought could strike her at any time and need to be added to the list. With it in hand, she wandered slowly through the house, expecting to find Logan nearby, but all the lights were off.
She found him outside, sat on the porch steps, phone at his ear. She didn't approach him straight away, leaning against the doorframe and just watching him. It was rare to see him in such comfortable looking clothes, sweatpants and a thick sweater, as they rarely needed pyjamas when they were together and his days were mostly spent in well-fitting shirts and tailored suits.
"I know it's short notice," he was saying, his voice sharp, a match to the tension she could see in his shoulders. Rory couldn't make out what the voice on the phone was saying, although it sounded loud, and Logan grew more frustrated with each angry buzz. "Well, the wedding's off. You can apologise to mom for the time she's wasted." He paused again. "No, I won't tell her myself. I have too many other things to sort out without an afternoon spent explaining why she needs to cancel the ridiculous gold-trimmed invitations she was so keen on."
He turned to look at her, rolling his eyes when the person on the phone started a tirade. She hadn't realised he'd known she was there, but she wasn't surprised that he did, and when he held his arm out towards her, she crossed the porch to sit down at his side, his arm going immediately around her shoulders.
"Hey, did I wake you?" he asked after muting the microphone on his phone. "I wanted to let you sleep. I'm still on London time."
"You didn't wake me," she murmured back, her voice quiet so she wouldn't ruin the peace that was Stars Hollow at night. "You just… weren't there."
He smiled, leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead. She tucked her head under his chin, cuddling into his side. "Sorry about that. My dad called and, as much as I didn't want to answer, it can't hurt to start dealing with everything now. If he moves a few meetings around, I might even be able to get back here before the end of the week."
"Why did he call?"
"Odette told her family the engagement was over. Her mother called mine and now everyone's panicking about my sudden change of heart," he explained, shaking his head in disbelief. "What they're really panicking about is the potential loss of a business deal between our families, even though you'd think that in this day and age, people would be able to sign contracts and make arrangements without marrying their children off."
"What?"
"It wasn't an official contract, but it was understood that a deal of some kind would be agreed upon once Odette and I were married. It doesn't change anything. They'll just have to sit down and negotiate instead." Logan paused, exhaling heavily when he turned his attention back to his phone. Mitchum was still speaking, and Rory doubted he'd even noticed that Logan had muted his phone and stopped responding. "It might take while to get dad to get his head around though so you should go back to bed. I'll come back when the rant's over."
Rory shook her head. "No, this is nice," she said quietly, nestling closer. She felt another kiss, this time to her hair. "I don't mind sitting here for a while. It's not like we need to get up for anything tomorrow. We can spend all day in bed if we want to."
She felt his smile, his lips still at the crown of her head. He lingered there for another few seconds and then loosened their embrace, unmuting his phone and returning it to his ear.
"Dad," he said, cutting off Mitchum's ongoing tirade with that one sharply-spoken word. "This isn't up for discussion. Either you find a place for me here, in New York, or you can consider this my resignation."
That set Mitchum off again, but this time, Logan listened. Rory entertained herself by googling long-distance masters degrees on her phone, and it was only when she was halfway through a degree description on Harvard's website and feeling excited in a way she hadn't been since university that Logan spoke again.
"I understand if it can't be done immediately, but I need to know it'll be possible," he told his father, waiting for his response. "Yeah, dad, if you could arrange that, it would be great. I'll just take personal time off until the position's ready." Another pause. "I can't agree to that right now. I'll be back in London over the next week. Could we discuss it over lunch sometime? The earlier in the week, the better."
He hung up with a 'thanks, dad' and pocketed his phone. Rory glanced up at him, her smile growing to match his satisfied smirk. He wouldn't look like that if things hadn't worked out the way he'd wanted them to. "That seemed to go better than I expected," she said, and he nodded. "How angry was he?"
"I'd say he was more surprised than angry," he answered. "He doesn't have an explanation for any of this, and I doubt he was expecting his Sunday to start with a call from Gauthier about the end of my engagement followed by a call about my potential resignation. Still, it sounds like he'd rather shuffle things around and get me in New York than have me quit the family business again."
"And you need some time before agreeing to that?"
"If that was everything, then I'd agree right now," he said. "But it sounds like my dad wants to keep me going back and forth to London for as long as he can, even if I'm based here. He said it would be to keep things running and assist with finding a replacement, and then to ease the transition between me and whoever we find. I don't want to agree to that without talking to you first."
"Oh." Rory tapped her fingers anxiously against the locked screen of her phone. "So what would mean? How often would you be gone? For how long?"
"Don't know yet, Ace." He took hold of her hand to stop her fidgeting, lacing his fingers with hers. "That'll be something we discuss in person, not over the phone on a Sunday morning. I won't let it be for more than a week each month, and seeing as my dad wants to keep me with the company, I should have the upper-hand in the negotiations."
"Doesn't that mean you could ask for less time?"
His grip on her hand tightened slightly. Rory glanced up at him, frowning at the reluctance clear in his expression. "Rory…" he sighed. "I don't want to walk away from this job if I don't have to, and if that means I need to make a few compromises to make it work, I'd prefer to do that."
Her first instinct was to protest, but she knew that would be too selfish. He'd already done more than he had to, leaving Odette and travelling across the sea to her, moving his entire life so they could be together. She couldn't ask for anything more, not when she knew how much he enjoyed his work, how good he was at it, and it wasn't as though they hadn't figured out how to make distance work.
And maybe it didn't need to be a compromise. Rory had flown to and from London, often impulsively, dozens of times since they'd reconnected in Hamburg. Why did things need to be different now?
"I could go with you?" she suggested. "I know you'd be working, but we could get lunch together at The Ivy and watch BBC in the evenings. We still haven't seen In the Heights, so we could go to that one night?"
Logan smiled, dipping his head to kiss her. "I'd like that," he said once the kiss broke. "Do you want to come with me tonight? I'm sure I can get you a seat on the plane. Besides, rumour has it that In the Heights is ending in January so we should really get to that before we miss it."
"As if you'd care," she laughed, too familiar with the way Logan grumbled about every show they attended, regardless of whether or not he'd arranged the trip. "But yeah, that sounds great. I've been in this place for too long without a break."
"It does," he agreed, followed by another kiss, this time to her forehead. "I'd love to come home to you after hours and hours of meetings with my father."
"And I'd like to be there for you to come home to."
He kissed her one more time, his arm leaving her shoulder so he could cup her cheek and hold her close. She chased his lips when they parted, trying to lean closer when he drew back and rested his forehead against hers.
"I'm glad you're returning with me," he said quietly. "I didn't want to ask. You have enough to deal with without worrying about me and the Mitchum Inquisition." Logan sighed. "He's going to have so many questions."
She hadn't considered that. Mitchum was bound to want an explanation. "What are you going to tell him? I don't want him to know about-"
"I'm not going to say anything," he promised, cutting her words off before she could start panicking. "He doesn't need to know. Not yet. The book says it's best to wait until it's been three months before telling people."
Rory thought of the notepad in her dressing gown pocket, of how the cons outnumbered the pros, and she wondered if there would even be anything to tell people in three months.
"Yeah, I saw," she said simply, backing out of his embrace.
"You read it?"
"I glanced at it," she answered. "While you were in the shower."
Things were suddenly uncomfortable. She knew why - it was the one thing they didn't agree on, the only thing they didn't both want. Logan hadn't said it out loud, but Rory knew he didn't feel the same way she did about the pregnancy. She'd seen the hurt in his eyes when she made it clear how unsure she was, seen the way he'd already folded the corners of the pages of his brand new baby book.
She wanted him. He wanted everything.
"So," Logan said, after it had been quiet for too long. "What were you looking at when I was on the phone? You were smiling."
"Oh, this." She was maybe a bit too enthusiastic, but at least things were suddenly easy again. She handed him her phone, watching as he unlocked it and began to read through the web page she'd left open. "I didn't think I'd actually find any master's courses I'd be interested in, and if I did, I didn't think I'd be able to do them, but this one's perfect."
"It's Harvard."
"Yes, but it can almost all be done online. Look-" she reached over to scroll down the page. "It requires one on-campus course, but that doesn't mean a full semester. Just a course with some time spent on campus, even if it's just an intensive weekend. Everything else can be done from anywhere. From here, from London."
He beamed at her, apparently sharing in her enthusiasm. "And it's part-time. Here, it says that you get the degree as long as you complete the required number of credits within five years. You'd only need to do one course a semester, and that gives you plenty of time to write your book or do anything else you want to do."
"I know! And it doesn't even have to be five years. I could do it quicker than that if I did a few courses at a time," she said, her words speeding up along with her excitement. "I still need to do more research, because what if the course options are limited when they're online only, but it's Harvard, Logan!"
"You always did like Harvard," he said warmly.
"I don't know if I could afford it though," she admitted. "I'm not working right now and a Harvard degree isn't cheap, even if it's just online, and-"
She fell silent at the sight of Logan's raised eyebrow. "Ace, if it's going to make you happy, you know I'll pay for it."
"Logan…"
"I want to pay for it."
"I don't even know if I'm going to do it yet," she protested weakly. Logan smiled and nodded, and she knew he knew she'd already made up her mind. "Okay, so maybe I'm thinking about it, but it would just be one or two of the prerequisite courses for now. I don't know about the full degree. It might still be too much along with the book and the… well, you know what."
Logan took in a deep breath, and it may have only been a few hours since he arrived in the States but Rory already knew that meant he was preparing to ask her something she wasn't sure she was ready to answer.
"So you think that there will be a you-know-what around to make things too much?"
"I…" Rory hesitated, getting the notepad from her pocket and gripping it tightly in both hands. "Right now, the list says no."
He mouthed the word. Rory couldn't look at his face, staring instead at his were resting on his thighs, clenched into fists. It made her heart hurt - she'd never wanted to disappoint him, to upset him.
"Can I see it?" he asked, his voice hoarse. "Your list?"
She hesitated for a moment and then she held the notepad out towards him. He plucked it from her hand and flipped to the front page, and although she didn't want to see his reaction, she couldn't look away from him as he looked over the short list.
"Con number one," he said suddenly, surprising her. "Pregnancy. Okay, well, yeah, I can't disagree with that. I read that baby book, it doesn't sound like a lot of fun. Number two. You can't return a baby." He barked out a laugh, the two of them finally meeting each other's gaze. "That's true too."
"I just mean that it's not really a decision you can reverse, once you've got the baby," she explained. "There aren't many decisions like that. You can take a jumper back to the shop or you can get a divorce or you can move out of a house. You can't just… not have a baby anymore."
"You don't know if you'd want to return it."
"But is it worth the risk? If it's something I can't take back, shouldn't I be sure it's something I really want before I commit to it, instead of just hoping it'll be okay? Sometimes I think a shirt looks nice in the store and it would be a good idea to buy and I still get it home and change my mind."
Logan's lips drew into a thin line, and although she knew he wanted to argue back, he seemed to decide it was better to move on. "Okay, number three, less time with Logan. I suppose that's true, although I don't think Lorelai would mind taking the baby off our hands for a night or two so we can spend some time just us."
"It won't be the same."
He ignored her quiet words and continued. "Number four, can't do what I want with a baby. Really, Rory?" Logan looked frustrated. "Didn't we talk about this last night? I won't let anything limit you, and that includes having a baby. I told you, if you want to do something, we will find a way for you to do it."
She swallowed. She believed him - she wanted to believe him - but there was a part of her that struggled to. Her mother had had to give up so much to provide for her, Lane had been left behind with her babies while her husband went off to tour the country, her dreams reduced to small gigs at Stars Hollow's secret bar, and although Paris had the career she'd always wanted, Rory knew that Paris thought that meant she didn't have a great relationship with her children. She wasn't sure it was possible to have what she wanted and give a child everything they wanted.
But Logan seemed so certain.
Rory crossed it off the list, her hand shaking as she did so.
"It's equal," Logan stated, as though she didn't know. "Should we go through the pros too?"
"It can't hurt."
"One. People seem to like their own children. See Lane and Paris for examples." He chuckled, the sound of his laughter at odds with how serious the conversation felt. "Two. It's with the right guy."
He looked up from the list again, his gaze soft and warm. "I wouldn't want this to happen with anyone else," she said, a small smile on her lips as he took her hand and kissed it. "Maybe I hadn't ever thought it before, but I know if I had, it would always be with you."
"Three, Logan would be a great father. You think so?"
"I think you'd spoil them, but yeah. I think you would be," she told him. "I wouldn't have put it on the list if I didn't."
He didn't read the last question out loud, frowning down at it for several seconds. "You've put that having this baby would make me very happy, but you've written it as a question. I told you that I wanted this one day, with you. If this was what you wanted too, my happiness wouldn't need a question mark after it. But I also told you I didn't want you to have this baby just because it was what I wanted, and half of these pros are about how I would feel, not you."
"Well, it's not just about me," Rory said quietly. "You're involved. We're doing this together. I want to consider what you want. You want me to be happy, I want you to be happy. If this would make you happy, I want it on the list."
Logan took the pen from her and crossed out the question mark. "Look, Rory, I know you're not sure about all of this. I'm not either. Things are going to change, for both of us, but it'll be new and exciting and… It'll be an adventure."
"You have always liked your adventures," she admitted. "And you've always taken me on the best ones. I've loved every single one. Maybe this will be the same."
She was shaking again when she took the notepad back, and she could feel Logan's gaze on her as she neatly wrote 'a new adventure' onto the bottom of the list. She couldn't look away from the words, from the bullet point that turned the list in favour of them choosing to have the baby. Her throat felt thick, her chest tight, and maybe she should have eschewed her lists for once, just gone with her gut instead of with logic and lists, because their decision wasn't exactly making her want to smile or celebrate. She still felt the same dread that she'd felt when she saw the two pink lines.
"We're doing this?" Logan sounded pleased, and she looked at him to see his beautiful smile, the corners of his eyes crinkled, and maybe the list didn't make her feel the way she had hoped it would, but she couldn't doubt a decision that made him so happy. "You want to do this?"
She wanted him to always look like that.
"You might need to remind me why we're doing this sometimes, but yeah," she answered, still unable to look away from him. "Why not?"
He probably wanted more than that, wanted her smile to be bigger and her words to be more enthusiastic, but it seemed to be enough for him. He dropped the notepad at his side and then reached for her, one hand going around her waist and pulling her close, the other cradling her head as he kissed her.
"We'll frame the list," he said, his lips still brushing hers with each word. "We'll stick it on the wall wherever we end up living. New York, London-"
"Paris, Munich?"
He laughed. "I love you so much, Ace."
"You too," she breathed. "So much."
She clung to him, kissed him, her fingers in his hair, clutching at his sweater, and let herself be lost in him, let herself forget what they'd been talking about and where they were sitting. Still on the porch steps.
And here's another chapter - right on time! I hope you enjoyed it, even though it's definitely approaching things differently to a lot of other fics I've read recently. This was actually going to be the last chapter, but I've written a draft of an epilogue so that should be up sometime later this week. Thank you so much for the reviews!