Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews and dedication to this story! I will continue to update as frequently as possible. Thanks again for your continued support and reactions and ideas are always welcomed and encouraged, I would love to hear for what you have to say about the future of this story and I could really use any new ideas you have. Thanks again! :)
Bellamy
After Octavia has successfully lectured me into a more suitable mood, I rush back to camp with the wind on my back. I had urged her to come back with me but she hesitated, holding back, her eyes drifting to the distance. I know somewhere in my heart she is probably off with Lincoln and however toxic I believe that relationship is, I allow her to sneak off. I am her brother; I cannot control her forever.
I breathe in a lungful of fresh air, I feel renewed, like for the first time in my life I can breathe and see with intense clarity. Since the day Octavia was born and I promised to protect her, I have been accountable for my actions under scrutiny. I was completely responsible for her life as well as my own, it was on me when she got caught and my mothers blood was put on my hands when she was floated for it. I shot the chancellor to ensure her safety, my actions on the ground in response to that dictated by my fears of being caught, leading to the deaths of 300 innocents. More blood on my hands. When Finn was stabbed, it was on me again. More blood.
Ever since, I have been drowning in the deaths of those I am and have been responsible for. Suffocating, unable to escape my demons. My life is dictated by guilt and overcoming my qualms. Part of that is why I have resented Finn, he is the hero, he is the model of perfection, whereas I am the monster, the sinner, the one who must be redeemed. Yet Octavia has reminded me, I have a legacy, she is the living proof that maybe I have hope, the same goes for my baby. Where Octavia is my hope that child may prove to be my redemption. Everything that baby represents, the future of the 100, life on Earth, could also become what I was meant for. I can rise above every one of my faults.
The second I enter the camp I rush to find Clarke, I search for a frantic three minutes before I find her, curled up behind one of the larger tents trying desperately to control tears that are wracking her body. Immediately I have scooped her up into my arms and am on the ground with her, cradling her whispering gently in her ear. Once she has gotten sufficient control of herself I take her face in my hands and dip her chin up, wordlessly I kiss away the tears from her cheeks and breathe, "What happened?"
She looks back up at me her eyes glittering and whimpers, "I don't know how I can do this, I can barely be responsible for the lives of everyone here, much less a baby. I have made mistakes, I let a man get tortured to save Finn. I can't handle the grounders, and I am doubting how strong I am. I am failing Bellamy."
I allow her to cry softly into my shirt again, and I realize she is as broken as me. Yet we can make a whole out of these jagged edges. "Clarke, look at me. You are an excellent leader, you put the needs of others before your own, you sacrifice so much to ensure the survival of these people. You astound me everyday with your strength and determination. Without you, I would have crumpled as a leader, but you bring out the strength in me. Those are the qualities that determine a good mother, you will not fail our baby. You will not fail me."
She smiles brightly at me and takes a deep breath, regaining her control, she sits upright, "Bel, you bring out in me what I can't find in myself. I need you and I love you."
I run my fingers through her soft hair and whisper, "I need you and I love you." We kiss for a long moment before she breaks from me, softly then all at once.
She runs her hands down my neck and leans her forehead against mine breathing, "You are all I have left," she whimpers, "My father is dead. My mother…my mother is dead," She acknowledges bravely, squeezing her eyes shut as she allows that fact to sink in and repeats, "You are all I have left."
I cradle her closer to my body, rhythmically swaying in sync with her gentle movements, I remember when I broke down in her arms after hallucinating about all the deaths I had caused, and she had told me that, I was needed, that I made a difference, that I mattered. This is an idea that is worth more in her than in me because she really does, she matters. Not only to me but to everyone here, we live off her strength, and so does our child. "Clarke, I remember you telling me that I was needed, now I am going to tell you the same thing. I need you. Our baby needs you. Everyone here needs you. You matter and you can face this."
She looks into my eyes for what seems like a very long time and replies slowly, echoing me once again, "Can we deal with it later? Can we take a moment right here, right now, and escape it, just for a moment?" She pleads softly. Her strong demeanor these past months has taken a lot out of her, beating her down as she continued to try to be everyone's support, taking on the weight of the world on her own, and I am beginning to see cracks boring into her soul from all the energy it is taking from her. I try to ease her pain, to take some of the tension from her and transfer it onto my shoulders, I want nothing more than to share in her burden, to take on the world alongside her, protecting her. All I can do is wrap her closer and reply, "Ok."
In this chapter I was trying to show how Bellamy and Clarke are very similar, they both respect each other so much as leaders and believe in each other, and I wanted to exemplify that with this contrast. I noticed I have been doing a lot from Bellamy's perspective but that is only because his character is so richly complicated and dimensional I really wanted to explore him. I will try to do more from Clarke's perspective and try to build up upon what has been focused on in the show for both their characters. Just some types of feedback I'm looking for is what do you think boy or girl? (I was thinking Julia for a girl since Bellamy had that whole thing with naming Octavia after Augustus and I think he is trying to model himself after him [I just quickly googled Augustus and the connections are pretty interesting]) but any ideas are appreciated thanks so much again!