Potter Wars!!!!!!!!!!!
By Thomas Park (a.k.a. person who desperately needs more sleep)
When we last left our heroes, they were falling down a garbage
chute.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaa," screamed Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Hagrid. They had to
stop and take a breath to continue.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh
hh!" With a tremendous thud, they landed inside a stinky pit.
"Oooff," cried Ron as he smashed head-first into a broken
radiator. The group looked around
themselves. The place stunk, and pieces of broken metal along with
thousands of coke bottles littered
the floor. Evidently, the Imperial army was in desperate need of
entertainment, since the floor was also
littered with heroin needles and old pornographic magazines.
"Geez, what a me-" Harry's words were cut short as a thick
tentacle reached up, coiled around his
neck, and dragged him under.
"Harry!" screamed the group. They looked for any sign of him under
the thick sludge. The place was
silent.
* * *
Meanwhile, McGonagall was searching for a way to shut down the
tractor beam.
Sleathily creeping along, McGonagall consulted the map Pigwidgeon
had printed for her. The
controls for the tractor beam should be right ahead. She turned
the corner and groaned. The controls were there alright, but they
can only be reached by a narrow ledge about 3 inches long.
With great focus and control, McGonagall stepped on the swaying
bridge that connected to the ledge. A piece of the plank broke off
and fell into the endless abyss. Finally, after avoiding near
death numerous times, McGonagall reached the ledge. The controls
were on a pillar, with the narrow ledge running around it. She
slowly walked over there, but quickly side-stepped around the
pillar when she heard a voice.
"Lousy Moff Malfoy. `Modify the tractor beam' he says, `modify the
tractor beam!' Stupid dumbass, oh why did he have to make the
ledge so narrow? I mean, he could have put the controls on a wall.
But no, no. Poor Ernie has to work the controls on a goddamn
ledge, in the middle of nowhere. Oh, why must life be so
cruel?!?!?!" screamed a pitiful man who was holding the
instructions to the tractor beam.
Listening to the man complain, McGonagall had a sudden idea. Using
her wand saber, she conjured up a banana peel. The man, who was
busy grumbling, slipped on the peel, and fell screaming into the
abyss. As he fell, he let go of the instructions, which fluttered
into McGonagall's hand.
"Let's see now," she said. "To turn off the tractor beam, open up
the C++ program. Well that should be easy enough," said McGonagall
as she double-clicked on the C++ icon. "Then, change the constant
integer variables from 1 to 3, not 2, because 2 will go back to
the original program. After that, change the Add, Sub, Alpha,
Beta, and Gamma functions by subtracting the mean from the square
root of their total parameters. Then change the set width, along
with the showpoint to scientific notation. Make a second main,
with bool type and character type. The characters shall be `A',
`6', and `4'. After that, fry a banana on a canteen, after gutting
the mudskipper. Then open the "LETSGETITON" virus to erase all the
work you do. After that, read "War and Peace" and write a
comprehensive analysis. Merge your data into the works of Charles
Dickens, and rescue Oliver Twist from the clutches of the evil
Fagin."
McGonagall stared blankly at the instructions she had just read
out loud. She then proceeded to follow them as best as she
could."There, that should do it. Now to run the program." She hit
the activate button, and immediately she was bombarded by error
messages. Messages that look like this:
error- syntax function missing from main
error- possible use of char `A' without definition
error- banana not properly fried
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph
error- Gamma functions missing definitions
error- mudskipper still alive
error- definiton missing
error- syntax missing
error- missing variables
error- variables missing definitions
error- function Oliver not found
error- HTML format not proper
error- you're an ass
error- hahaha
error- syntax function missing from main
error- possible use of char `A' without definition
error- banana not properly fried
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph
error- Gamma functions missing definitions
error- mudskipper still alive
error- definiton missing
error- syntax missing
error- missing variables
error- variables missing definitions
error- function Oliver not found
error- HTML format not proper
error- you're an ass
error- hahaha
error- syntax function missing from main
error- possible use of char `A' without definition
error- banana not properly fried
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph
error- Gamma functions missing definitions
error- mudskipper still alive
error- definiton missing
error- syntax missing
error- missing variables
error- variables missing definitions
error- function Oliver not found
error- HTML format not proper
error- you're an ass
error- hahaha
error- syntax function missing from main
error- possible use of char `A' without definition
error- banana not properly fried
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph
error- Gamma functions missing definitions
error- mudskipper still alive
error- definiton missing
error- syntax missing
error- missing variables
error- variables missing definitions
error- function Oliver not found
error- HTML format not proper
error- you're an ass
error- hahaha
error- syntax function missing from main
error- possible use of char `A' without definition
error- banana not properly fried
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph
error- Gamma functions missing definitions
error- mudskipper still alive
error- definiton missing
error- syntax missing
error- missing variables
error- variables missing definitions
error- function Oliver not found
error- HTML format not proper
error- you're an ass
error- hahaha
McGonagall panicked. There were millions of error messages, and
they kept popping up in little windows. She pressed the escape
button numerous times, but it failed. Finally, in a fit of anger,
she slashed the computer with her wand saber. It short-circuited,
and then exploded in a hail of sparks. Then a computerized voice
rang out, "Tractor beam, shut down."
* * *
Our heroes are valiantly looking for Harry.
"Harry?!?! Where are you!?!?!" screamed Hermione.
A ripple shook the sludge, and Harry burst out gasping. "Kill
*choke* the.gasp..damn
thing!!!!" he garbled.
"What Harry?" said Ron. " I can't understand you. You have to
speak more clearly."
"Kill.choke..the..gasp.the.damn..Devil's Snare!!"
"Kill the Devil? Oh, you must mean Diablo. Yeah, it's a great game
Harry."
"He means `kill the Devil's Snare' you moron!" shouted Hermione.
She grabbed Ron's wand,
and with a burst of flames, destroyed the Devil's Snare.
Harry got up, gasping for breath. He said, "Thanks Hermione,"
before giving a nasty glare
towards Ron. Ron shrugged sheepishly.
" `ell you guys. `e betta mov' out a her'!" said Hagrid.
"Oh Hagrid, no one wants to listen to your nonsense. Well you
guys. We better move out of
here," said Ron.
"That's the first good idea I heard from you. Where's the exit?"
asked Harry.
"Here it is," replied Ron, refering to a heavy metal door. " Hmmm,
seems to be made of a heavy material. No biggie, a simple Blasting
spell would do."
Harry shouted "No, wait!" but it was too late. Ron shot the door,
and the spell immediately
bounced off. It ricocheted off the walls, zinging everyone, until
it finally it bore itself into the ground.
Hermione screamed hysterically, "Are you MAD!?!?! You could have
killed us all!!"
" Oh come on. Don't be such a bitch. How was I supposed to know
they put a repelling spell
on it?"
" Well it can't get any worse."
A deep rumble shook the scene. " It just got worse," said Ron.
* * *
" No Pigwidgeon. Moves your Zealots near the entrance. Thats way,
theys can help your
Photon cannons," chirped Dobby.
Pigwidgeon had just hacked into the Dark Mark's mainframe by
jamming a fork into the outlet.
After a slight shock, Pigwidgeon was in the computer, and now he
was playing Brood Wars on Battlenet.
Pigwidgeon gave a rude chirp to Dobby, when the computer rang out
"your base is under
attack!" His opponent, Krazyie_Saiyan, had just sent an army of
Guardians that were destroying Pigwidgeon's Photon cannons.
Luckily, Pigwidgeon had just finished building a squad of
Corsairs, and they were now driving back the Guardians.
" Dobby? Pig? Are you guys there??" Harry's voice shouted from a
walkie-talkie Dobby held.
" We's here sir," replied Dobby.
" Listen, a Robotic Richard Simmons just came out of the door, and
he's driving us nuts!!!
Open the garbage doors in, what's that say? Section D, 1423."
"Ok sir. Pigwidgeon, sign off, and open the door in D 1423. Oh
no!"
" What's going on?" shouted Harry.
" Pigwidgeon is experiencing some lag sir."
" Listen, I don't give a damn. In a minute, we're all going to
die! Open the goddamn door in
Section C, 1432!"
Harry and company were slowly being forced to exercise as Richard
Simmons made them
move their legs and jump up and down to the tune of bad music. "
Come on people, work those buns!! Ok now, time for leg lifts!!!"
Hagrid walloped the evil thing with a piece of metal, but it
regenerated itself. Soon, they were going to die. "Dobby!" he
shouted. "Hurry the hell up!!!!!"
"Oh, short-circuit everything!" whined Dobby.
Pigwidgeon gave a turn with his fork, and the entire base went
black. In a tiny bathroom stall,
Moff Lucius cried out, " Oh great. The fan and the lights turned
off. How am I supposed to see Ms. December 99?" He fumbled around
in the dark, and felt the thing feared by everyone. "Nooooo!!!!
I'm out of toilet paper!!!"
Harry felt the pressure in his stomach stop. There was an immense
explosion and Richard
Simmons blew up. The music stopped, and slowly, the door opened.
He gave a great whoop, and the whole group let out a cheer.
" Dobby, good job!" He shouted into the walkie-talkie.
" Tis nothing sir."
* * *
McGonagall quickly ran back to the ship. A sound made her turn.
She looked around to see a
hooded figure with a mask.
" So, we meet again," the figure said.
"Severus Snape," McGonagall slowly replied.
" When we last met. I was but a mere. aah screw this, I just want
to kill you!" Pulling out his
wand saber, Snape ignited it, and lunged forward.
McGonagall ignited hers just in time and blocked the attack. Snape
went back, and lunged
again. The sabers met and crackled with energy.
* * *
"Everyone out? Good, let's go." With fury, Ron charged down the
corridor, blasting everything
that moved, including an innocent cleaning droid and several
toilet-cleaning trolls.
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!" he shouted as he chased down two Imperial
Wizards. He ran right into a
room, filled with thousands of Death Eaters.
"Whoops. Sorry to burst in like that. Ummmm. so how about those
Backstreet Boys? I hear
they're pretty good."
The responses were millions of hexes fired at Ron. With a great
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!" Ron ran
down the opposite way.
The whole group ran until they met with Dobby and Pigwidgeon.
Together they all sprinted
towards Ron's ship. Everyone boarded but Harry, who noticed a huge
crowd gathered in the corner. The crowd was hooting and placing
bets. Harry, peered forward, and saw McGonagall clashing with a
hooded figure.
Snape shot a spell that rippled the air as it flew. McGonagall
leaned back and threw her arms
wildly behind her. She then ran up the wall, kicked off it, and
landed behind Snape, bashing him on the head. He went down.
McGonagall was about to deliver the finishing kill, when Snape
yelled out, "Purple-monster-
people-eater!" She turned around going "Where!?!?!?!?" then Snape
stabbed her with his wand saber.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Harry screamed. With fury, Harry began
shooting down the
Death Eaters. Finally, he decided to run back to the ship when
Hagrid bashed him on the head and dragged him in.
"Ok," said Ron. "I know what button to press. Mmmmm. eenie meenie
minnie moe, catch a
tiger on his toe. If he hollers let him."
"Shut the hell up and GO!" screamed Hermione. And with that last
word, Ron closed his eyes and slammed a random button. The ship
shot out of the Dark Mark and into space.
Hagrid looked back and moaned. The Dark Mark was following them. "
`on, tha' `uge
`attlestation is followin' us."
"Oh Hagrid. I don't want to talk about the Backstreet Boys. Now
don't bother me, I'm flying."
Ron then lapsed into a nap.
* * *
The ship landed on the planet Rainforest. Ron, being the great
pilot that he is, snapped 10 trees, and scraped the ground when he
came in for a landing. Princess Hermione descended first, and was
hugged by an old man, who was later revealed to be a great
general. The whole group marched into the Viewing Room, where the
general was giving a lecture on how to destroy the Dark Mark.
" The Dark Mark is a huge battlestation. So big, it makes Marlon
Brando look small."
"Wow, that's big," shouted one of the pilots.
"Yes. But despite all these strengths, we have found a weakness."
"There's a weakness in that thing?" asked one of the pilots.
" Well, anyways, using the plans."
"Hey General, you didn't answer my question!"
". stolen by Princess Hermione." At these words, Hermione blushed.
" we discovered a tiny button,
labeled "Bite Me" which, when activated, will destroy the
battlestation."
"What the hell? A button that will destroy the battlestation?"
questioned of the Rebel soldiers.
"You didn't answer my question," shouted another.
" Yes. We believe the designer got into an argument about a raise.
Anyways, the button is only
a millimeter wide in diameter, and only a direct hit will activate
it."
" A millimeter? That's impossible!" shouted another soldier. " You
still didn't answer me!'
shouted the persistant soldier.
" It's not that hard," said Harry. " Back home, I had to destroy
the fleas on my dog. They aren't more than a millimeter wide."
" Yes, well, anyways, one of you people must fly down this trench,
and shoot these mini-
torpedos, since the button is ray-shielded. You will use
fighters."
" What good are fighters against that huge thing?" interrupted
another pilot.
"And you can't stop ignoring me like that. What kind of general
ignores his men's questions?"
" JUST SHUT THE FU(censored) UP!!!" screamed the general. The room
finally became
silent. The general panted, regained his breath, and resumed
talking. " The Rebel Alliance is too poor to afford good ships. So
you assholes have to make do. Got it? No? Good. May the Power be
with you." With that last statement, everyone left the room,
except for the soldier who didn't get his question
answered. The general's answer was a shot to the head.
* * *
" We will reach the rebel base in 30 minutes," said a Death Eater.
" Excellent. Soon, we will crush the rebellion, and I can finally
open up my own line of fast-food joints," replied Moff Lucius
Malfoy. " Oooofff, that new Border taco doesn't sit too well with
my system."
" Yes. This will be a glorius day for the Empire," said Lord Snape
as Moff Lucius ran into the
bathroom.
* * *
" Owl 1 to Owl group. You guys hear me?" questioned their leader.
" Yes sir!" cried Harry enthuasiastically. Finally, here was his
chance for glory and honor. Since the Alliance was short on
pilots, and Harry had experience flying, he was allowed to pilot
the new Nimbus 2000 starfighter. In superb formation, the group
flew towards the Dark Mark.
Harry's only regret was that Ron refused to fly with them,
stating, " I got my money. I'm not going to get myself killed on
some suicide mission. Besides, she hates me." Ron motioned towards
Hermione.
" She doesn't hate you Ron," said Harry. Hermione waved towards
Harry, then gave Ron the finger. " Ummm. she's just not used to
guys like you."
" Really?" Ron said.
"Ummm. no. But I'm sure, given time, she'll grow to like you."
" Hmmm. that may be true. But anyways, I need to pay off Dudley
the Fat, so I gotta go. See ya."
"Bye."
Harry shook these thoughts out of his head. It was time for the
battle.
" All fighters in attack formation. Let's go!" screamed Owl
leader.
" Yee haw!" yelled Owl 3.
* * *
" Sir? Rebel fighters are attacking the base. Should I prepare you
escape vehicle?" queried the young attendant.
" Run away? In our moment of truimph? Hell no," answered Moff
Lucius. He was sitting in a
toilet stall, with an almost endless supply of toilet paper.
" Well then, should I send out the fighters?"
" I said no."
" Well how about let the gunners shoot them down?"
" I said NO!! And if you ever bother me again, I'll have you
jettisoned."
* * *
" I don't get it sir. There's no sign of fighters, and none of the
gunners are shooting at us," said
Owl 8.
" Don't worry about it. It's a classic case of The-bad-guys-think-
the-good-guys-can't-
possibly-win-so-they're-not-going-to-do-anything-about-it
syndrome. Just look for that trench."
* * *
Lord Snape marched out into his comet 260. It's been a long time
since he flew, and Snape
was planning to do something rather than refill Lucius's toilet
paper.
* * *
Despite the lack of enemies, the Rebel group couldn't find the
trench. Worse, Ron came to visit.
"Aaaahhh, unidentified ship coming in at 12 o' clock!" yelled
Harry.
"Harry, Harry, Harry. Please don't get your sense of time mixed
with your sense of direction.
Only an idio-aaahhhh" screamed Porkchops as Ron accidentally
smashed into him.
"Whoops, sorry. The controls are a bit sensitive."
" You dumbass. Watch out men. Incoming!"
Everyone tried to avoid Ron's bad flying, but it was just too bad.
Then Snape entered the fray. Like the bull in a china shop, he
destroyed everyone he encountered. There were now only five
fighters left. " Aaahhhh!!!" Whoops, scratch that. Four fighters
left. Harry, Wedgie, Hammie, and Owl leader.
" Well men. I guess we have no choice but to fly down that
trench. I'll cover you guys. Harry,
Wedgie, Hammie, fly down that trench," stated Owl leader.
" What?!?!?!?" all three pilots yelled.
" Don't question orders. Now go!"
The three pilots dove into the trench, zig-zagging wildly back and
forth to avoid fire from the
Comet that was behind them. " Owl leader? How's our cover?" Harry
asked.
" Aaaahhhhhhh!!!!" came the reply.
" Ok, I think that answers my questions. I do believe we're
doomed."
As if in response, Hammie's ship blew up. Wedgie took a hit, and
his ship had to leave. Or so
he says.
" Well thank you guys!" screamed Harry. " Just remember this
Wedgie the next time you need
toilet paper."
" Hey, I saved your life!" replied Wedgie.
" Damn!"
Meanwhile, Snape was trying desperately to target Harry's ship. "
Hmmmm.the Power's
strong in this one. Nevertheless, I got you now!"
Snape was about to fire when a clunky junk ship crashed into his
own ship, which then went off course. He went careening into
space, screaming " What the hell was that?!!?!?!!?!?"
Ron whooped in reply, and Hagrid gave a great roar.
" Ron! You actually did something useful!" said Harry.
" Actually, I tried to wave to Snape and lost control of the ship.
Oh well. Now's your chance
kid. Blow this station up, and let's get the hell out of here!"
Harry was about to reply, when a voice in his head shouted " Use
the Power Harry." Harry
went "Huh?" then turned on his targeting computer.
" No Harry. Use the Power. Use the Power."
" I don't know what you're talking about!"
" Listen, use the Power or I'll kick your ass!"
All of a sudden, Harry realized what he must do. He turned off his
targeting computer, and.
" Harry? What the hell are you doing??? You're flying away from
the battlestation!"
" Trust me Ron, we have to get out of here before the
battlestation explodes."
" But you didn't do anything yet!"
" Trust me."
Harry finished typing the last part of his program. He then hit
the Send button for his e-mail.
* * *
" Rebel base is within range, " intoned the computerized voice.
" Finally. Target the base, and prepare to fire," commanded Moff
Lucius.
Elsewhere in the battlestation, a lonely man by the name of
Gilderoy Lochart sat crying at his
desk. He had once been the greatest playboy ever, but that was
then and this is now. Now, he's just a *sob* washed-up has-been.
" You've got mail," shouted the only voice that'll listen to him.
Lockhart looked up. What was this? Mail? For him? He clicked on
the icon. Hmmm. the mail
was titled LETSGETITON. Who could it be? Maybe it was one of his
old lovers, willing to rekindle their former flame. He double-
clicked on it.
* * *
The Dark Mark, floating ominously in space, exploded in the most
fantastic display of sparks
and fireworks. Everyone on the rebel base gave a great cheer. As
soon as Harry, Ron, and Hagrid returned, they were mobbed by a
great crowd.
Hours later, in the Great Hall, Harry, Ron, and Hagrid marched
down the line between the
Rebel soldiers. Why Ron, the person who killed all their men, got
a medal, was unexplainable, but no one cared. Hermione fixed her
hair, and she was beaming as she gave them their medals. She had
to slap Ron though, because he was trying to peer down her low-cut
dress. Everyone whooped, cheered, and clapped. The Rebels threw
the longest party ever, complete with booze, and lots of people
going
into bedrooms and coming out looking ruffled, and all was well in
the galaxy.
The end, or is it?
Far away, Snape's ship drifted until it was picked up by another.
He walked out, looking very
gaunt and tired. He trembled as he fell down his knees, and
crawled to his master.
" Master, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry for my failure."
"Get up," commanded a cruel voice.
Snape slowly stood, but he still trembled.
" Though the loss of the Dark Mark disappoints me, I have a new
goal for you."
" What is it my master?"
" There is a new player in the field. His name is Harry Potter."
" Yes?"
" Kill him. Oh, and go pick up a bag of Doritos will you?"
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Star Wars.blah blah blah blah.too tired
to write. Oh well, let's just say
that J.K. Rowling and George Lucas deserve credit, not this tired
loser here.
A/N Yes. I finished it. Whoopeee. I may or may not write a sequel
to this, it all depends on the reviews I get. Hope you guys liked
it. My friend didn't. So I rewrote the whole damn thing. Oh well.
Tried the HTM thing, didn't work for some stupid reason. Oh well
again.
By Thomas Park (a.k.a. person who desperately needs more sleep)
When we last left our heroes, they were falling down a garbage
chute.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaa," screamed Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Hagrid. They had to
stop and take a breath to continue.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh
hh!" With a tremendous thud, they landed inside a stinky pit.
"Oooff," cried Ron as he smashed head-first into a broken
radiator. The group looked around
themselves. The place stunk, and pieces of broken metal along with
thousands of coke bottles littered
the floor. Evidently, the Imperial army was in desperate need of
entertainment, since the floor was also
littered with heroin needles and old pornographic magazines.
"Geez, what a me-" Harry's words were cut short as a thick
tentacle reached up, coiled around his
neck, and dragged him under.
"Harry!" screamed the group. They looked for any sign of him under
the thick sludge. The place was
silent.
* * *
Meanwhile, McGonagall was searching for a way to shut down the
tractor beam.
Sleathily creeping along, McGonagall consulted the map Pigwidgeon
had printed for her. The
controls for the tractor beam should be right ahead. She turned
the corner and groaned. The controls were there alright, but they
can only be reached by a narrow ledge about 3 inches long.
With great focus and control, McGonagall stepped on the swaying
bridge that connected to the ledge. A piece of the plank broke off
and fell into the endless abyss. Finally, after avoiding near
death numerous times, McGonagall reached the ledge. The controls
were on a pillar, with the narrow ledge running around it. She
slowly walked over there, but quickly side-stepped around the
pillar when she heard a voice.
"Lousy Moff Malfoy. `Modify the tractor beam' he says, `modify the
tractor beam!' Stupid dumbass, oh why did he have to make the
ledge so narrow? I mean, he could have put the controls on a wall.
But no, no. Poor Ernie has to work the controls on a goddamn
ledge, in the middle of nowhere. Oh, why must life be so
cruel?!?!?!" screamed a pitiful man who was holding the
instructions to the tractor beam.
Listening to the man complain, McGonagall had a sudden idea. Using
her wand saber, she conjured up a banana peel. The man, who was
busy grumbling, slipped on the peel, and fell screaming into the
abyss. As he fell, he let go of the instructions, which fluttered
into McGonagall's hand.
"Let's see now," she said. "To turn off the tractor beam, open up
the C++ program. Well that should be easy enough," said McGonagall
as she double-clicked on the C++ icon. "Then, change the constant
integer variables from 1 to 3, not 2, because 2 will go back to
the original program. After that, change the Add, Sub, Alpha,
Beta, and Gamma functions by subtracting the mean from the square
root of their total parameters. Then change the set width, along
with the showpoint to scientific notation. Make a second main,
with bool type and character type. The characters shall be `A',
`6', and `4'. After that, fry a banana on a canteen, after gutting
the mudskipper. Then open the "LETSGETITON" virus to erase all the
work you do. After that, read "War and Peace" and write a
comprehensive analysis. Merge your data into the works of Charles
Dickens, and rescue Oliver Twist from the clutches of the evil
Fagin."
McGonagall stared blankly at the instructions she had just read
out loud. She then proceeded to follow them as best as she
could."There, that should do it. Now to run the program." She hit
the activate button, and immediately she was bombarded by error
messages. Messages that look like this:
error- syntax function missing from main
error- possible use of char `A' without definition
error- banana not properly fried
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph
error- Gamma functions missing definitions
error- mudskipper still alive
error- definiton missing
error- syntax missing
error- missing variables
error- variables missing definitions
error- function Oliver not found
error- HTML format not proper
error- you're an ass
error- hahaha
error- syntax function missing from main
error- possible use of char `A' without definition
error- banana not properly fried
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph
error- Gamma functions missing definitions
error- mudskipper still alive
error- definiton missing
error- syntax missing
error- missing variables
error- variables missing definitions
error- function Oliver not found
error- HTML format not proper
error- you're an ass
error- hahaha
error- syntax function missing from main
error- possible use of char `A' without definition
error- banana not properly fried
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph
error- Gamma functions missing definitions
error- mudskipper still alive
error- definiton missing
error- syntax missing
error- missing variables
error- variables missing definitions
error- function Oliver not found
error- HTML format not proper
error- you're an ass
error- hahaha
error- syntax function missing from main
error- possible use of char `A' without definition
error- banana not properly fried
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph
error- Gamma functions missing definitions
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McGonagall panicked. There were millions of error messages, and
they kept popping up in little windows. She pressed the escape
button numerous times, but it failed. Finally, in a fit of anger,
she slashed the computer with her wand saber. It short-circuited,
and then exploded in a hail of sparks. Then a computerized voice
rang out, "Tractor beam, shut down."
* * *
Our heroes are valiantly looking for Harry.
"Harry?!?! Where are you!?!?!" screamed Hermione.
A ripple shook the sludge, and Harry burst out gasping. "Kill
*choke* the.gasp..damn
thing!!!!" he garbled.
"What Harry?" said Ron. " I can't understand you. You have to
speak more clearly."
"Kill.choke..the..gasp.the.damn..Devil's Snare!!"
"Kill the Devil? Oh, you must mean Diablo. Yeah, it's a great game
Harry."
"He means `kill the Devil's Snare' you moron!" shouted Hermione.
She grabbed Ron's wand,
and with a burst of flames, destroyed the Devil's Snare.
Harry got up, gasping for breath. He said, "Thanks Hermione,"
before giving a nasty glare
towards Ron. Ron shrugged sheepishly.
" `ell you guys. `e betta mov' out a her'!" said Hagrid.
"Oh Hagrid, no one wants to listen to your nonsense. Well you
guys. We better move out of
here," said Ron.
"That's the first good idea I heard from you. Where's the exit?"
asked Harry.
"Here it is," replied Ron, refering to a heavy metal door. " Hmmm,
seems to be made of a heavy material. No biggie, a simple Blasting
spell would do."
Harry shouted "No, wait!" but it was too late. Ron shot the door,
and the spell immediately
bounced off. It ricocheted off the walls, zinging everyone, until
it finally it bore itself into the ground.
Hermione screamed hysterically, "Are you MAD!?!?! You could have
killed us all!!"
" Oh come on. Don't be such a bitch. How was I supposed to know
they put a repelling spell
on it?"
" Well it can't get any worse."
A deep rumble shook the scene. " It just got worse," said Ron.
* * *
" No Pigwidgeon. Moves your Zealots near the entrance. Thats way,
theys can help your
Photon cannons," chirped Dobby.
Pigwidgeon had just hacked into the Dark Mark's mainframe by
jamming a fork into the outlet.
After a slight shock, Pigwidgeon was in the computer, and now he
was playing Brood Wars on Battlenet.
Pigwidgeon gave a rude chirp to Dobby, when the computer rang out
"your base is under
attack!" His opponent, Krazyie_Saiyan, had just sent an army of
Guardians that were destroying Pigwidgeon's Photon cannons.
Luckily, Pigwidgeon had just finished building a squad of
Corsairs, and they were now driving back the Guardians.
" Dobby? Pig? Are you guys there??" Harry's voice shouted from a
walkie-talkie Dobby held.
" We's here sir," replied Dobby.
" Listen, a Robotic Richard Simmons just came out of the door, and
he's driving us nuts!!!
Open the garbage doors in, what's that say? Section D, 1423."
"Ok sir. Pigwidgeon, sign off, and open the door in D 1423. Oh
no!"
" What's going on?" shouted Harry.
" Pigwidgeon is experiencing some lag sir."
" Listen, I don't give a damn. In a minute, we're all going to
die! Open the goddamn door in
Section C, 1432!"
Harry and company were slowly being forced to exercise as Richard
Simmons made them
move their legs and jump up and down to the tune of bad music. "
Come on people, work those buns!! Ok now, time for leg lifts!!!"
Hagrid walloped the evil thing with a piece of metal, but it
regenerated itself. Soon, they were going to die. "Dobby!" he
shouted. "Hurry the hell up!!!!!"
"Oh, short-circuit everything!" whined Dobby.
Pigwidgeon gave a turn with his fork, and the entire base went
black. In a tiny bathroom stall,
Moff Lucius cried out, " Oh great. The fan and the lights turned
off. How am I supposed to see Ms. December 99?" He fumbled around
in the dark, and felt the thing feared by everyone. "Nooooo!!!!
I'm out of toilet paper!!!"
Harry felt the pressure in his stomach stop. There was an immense
explosion and Richard
Simmons blew up. The music stopped, and slowly, the door opened.
He gave a great whoop, and the whole group let out a cheer.
" Dobby, good job!" He shouted into the walkie-talkie.
" Tis nothing sir."
* * *
McGonagall quickly ran back to the ship. A sound made her turn.
She looked around to see a
hooded figure with a mask.
" So, we meet again," the figure said.
"Severus Snape," McGonagall slowly replied.
" When we last met. I was but a mere. aah screw this, I just want
to kill you!" Pulling out his
wand saber, Snape ignited it, and lunged forward.
McGonagall ignited hers just in time and blocked the attack. Snape
went back, and lunged
again. The sabers met and crackled with energy.
* * *
"Everyone out? Good, let's go." With fury, Ron charged down the
corridor, blasting everything
that moved, including an innocent cleaning droid and several
toilet-cleaning trolls.
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!" he shouted as he chased down two Imperial
Wizards. He ran right into a
room, filled with thousands of Death Eaters.
"Whoops. Sorry to burst in like that. Ummmm. so how about those
Backstreet Boys? I hear
they're pretty good."
The responses were millions of hexes fired at Ron. With a great
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!" Ron ran
down the opposite way.
The whole group ran until they met with Dobby and Pigwidgeon.
Together they all sprinted
towards Ron's ship. Everyone boarded but Harry, who noticed a huge
crowd gathered in the corner. The crowd was hooting and placing
bets. Harry, peered forward, and saw McGonagall clashing with a
hooded figure.
Snape shot a spell that rippled the air as it flew. McGonagall
leaned back and threw her arms
wildly behind her. She then ran up the wall, kicked off it, and
landed behind Snape, bashing him on the head. He went down.
McGonagall was about to deliver the finishing kill, when Snape
yelled out, "Purple-monster-
people-eater!" She turned around going "Where!?!?!?!?" then Snape
stabbed her with his wand saber.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Harry screamed. With fury, Harry began
shooting down the
Death Eaters. Finally, he decided to run back to the ship when
Hagrid bashed him on the head and dragged him in.
"Ok," said Ron. "I know what button to press. Mmmmm. eenie meenie
minnie moe, catch a
tiger on his toe. If he hollers let him."
"Shut the hell up and GO!" screamed Hermione. And with that last
word, Ron closed his eyes and slammed a random button. The ship
shot out of the Dark Mark and into space.
Hagrid looked back and moaned. The Dark Mark was following them. "
`on, tha' `uge
`attlestation is followin' us."
"Oh Hagrid. I don't want to talk about the Backstreet Boys. Now
don't bother me, I'm flying."
Ron then lapsed into a nap.
* * *
The ship landed on the planet Rainforest. Ron, being the great
pilot that he is, snapped 10 trees, and scraped the ground when he
came in for a landing. Princess Hermione descended first, and was
hugged by an old man, who was later revealed to be a great
general. The whole group marched into the Viewing Room, where the
general was giving a lecture on how to destroy the Dark Mark.
" The Dark Mark is a huge battlestation. So big, it makes Marlon
Brando look small."
"Wow, that's big," shouted one of the pilots.
"Yes. But despite all these strengths, we have found a weakness."
"There's a weakness in that thing?" asked one of the pilots.
" Well, anyways, using the plans."
"Hey General, you didn't answer my question!"
". stolen by Princess Hermione." At these words, Hermione blushed.
" we discovered a tiny button,
labeled "Bite Me" which, when activated, will destroy the
battlestation."
"What the hell? A button that will destroy the battlestation?"
questioned of the Rebel soldiers.
"You didn't answer my question," shouted another.
" Yes. We believe the designer got into an argument about a raise.
Anyways, the button is only
a millimeter wide in diameter, and only a direct hit will activate
it."
" A millimeter? That's impossible!" shouted another soldier. " You
still didn't answer me!'
shouted the persistant soldier.
" It's not that hard," said Harry. " Back home, I had to destroy
the fleas on my dog. They aren't more than a millimeter wide."
" Yes, well, anyways, one of you people must fly down this trench,
and shoot these mini-
torpedos, since the button is ray-shielded. You will use
fighters."
" What good are fighters against that huge thing?" interrupted
another pilot.
"And you can't stop ignoring me like that. What kind of general
ignores his men's questions?"
" JUST SHUT THE FU(censored) UP!!!" screamed the general. The room
finally became
silent. The general panted, regained his breath, and resumed
talking. " The Rebel Alliance is too poor to afford good ships. So
you assholes have to make do. Got it? No? Good. May the Power be
with you." With that last statement, everyone left the room,
except for the soldier who didn't get his question
answered. The general's answer was a shot to the head.
* * *
" We will reach the rebel base in 30 minutes," said a Death Eater.
" Excellent. Soon, we will crush the rebellion, and I can finally
open up my own line of fast-food joints," replied Moff Lucius
Malfoy. " Oooofff, that new Border taco doesn't sit too well with
my system."
" Yes. This will be a glorius day for the Empire," said Lord Snape
as Moff Lucius ran into the
bathroom.
* * *
" Owl 1 to Owl group. You guys hear me?" questioned their leader.
" Yes sir!" cried Harry enthuasiastically. Finally, here was his
chance for glory and honor. Since the Alliance was short on
pilots, and Harry had experience flying, he was allowed to pilot
the new Nimbus 2000 starfighter. In superb formation, the group
flew towards the Dark Mark.
Harry's only regret was that Ron refused to fly with them,
stating, " I got my money. I'm not going to get myself killed on
some suicide mission. Besides, she hates me." Ron motioned towards
Hermione.
" She doesn't hate you Ron," said Harry. Hermione waved towards
Harry, then gave Ron the finger. " Ummm. she's just not used to
guys like you."
" Really?" Ron said.
"Ummm. no. But I'm sure, given time, she'll grow to like you."
" Hmmm. that may be true. But anyways, I need to pay off Dudley
the Fat, so I gotta go. See ya."
"Bye."
Harry shook these thoughts out of his head. It was time for the
battle.
" All fighters in attack formation. Let's go!" screamed Owl
leader.
" Yee haw!" yelled Owl 3.
* * *
" Sir? Rebel fighters are attacking the base. Should I prepare you
escape vehicle?" queried the young attendant.
" Run away? In our moment of truimph? Hell no," answered Moff
Lucius. He was sitting in a
toilet stall, with an almost endless supply of toilet paper.
" Well then, should I send out the fighters?"
" I said no."
" Well how about let the gunners shoot them down?"
" I said NO!! And if you ever bother me again, I'll have you
jettisoned."
* * *
" I don't get it sir. There's no sign of fighters, and none of the
gunners are shooting at us," said
Owl 8.
" Don't worry about it. It's a classic case of The-bad-guys-think-
the-good-guys-can't-
possibly-win-so-they're-not-going-to-do-anything-about-it
syndrome. Just look for that trench."
* * *
Lord Snape marched out into his comet 260. It's been a long time
since he flew, and Snape
was planning to do something rather than refill Lucius's toilet
paper.
* * *
Despite the lack of enemies, the Rebel group couldn't find the
trench. Worse, Ron came to visit.
"Aaaahhh, unidentified ship coming in at 12 o' clock!" yelled
Harry.
"Harry, Harry, Harry. Please don't get your sense of time mixed
with your sense of direction.
Only an idio-aaahhhh" screamed Porkchops as Ron accidentally
smashed into him.
"Whoops, sorry. The controls are a bit sensitive."
" You dumbass. Watch out men. Incoming!"
Everyone tried to avoid Ron's bad flying, but it was just too bad.
Then Snape entered the fray. Like the bull in a china shop, he
destroyed everyone he encountered. There were now only five
fighters left. " Aaahhhh!!!" Whoops, scratch that. Four fighters
left. Harry, Wedgie, Hammie, and Owl leader.
" Well men. I guess we have no choice but to fly down that
trench. I'll cover you guys. Harry,
Wedgie, Hammie, fly down that trench," stated Owl leader.
" What?!?!?!?" all three pilots yelled.
" Don't question orders. Now go!"
The three pilots dove into the trench, zig-zagging wildly back and
forth to avoid fire from the
Comet that was behind them. " Owl leader? How's our cover?" Harry
asked.
" Aaaahhhhhhh!!!!" came the reply.
" Ok, I think that answers my questions. I do believe we're
doomed."
As if in response, Hammie's ship blew up. Wedgie took a hit, and
his ship had to leave. Or so
he says.
" Well thank you guys!" screamed Harry. " Just remember this
Wedgie the next time you need
toilet paper."
" Hey, I saved your life!" replied Wedgie.
" Damn!"
Meanwhile, Snape was trying desperately to target Harry's ship. "
Hmmmm.the Power's
strong in this one. Nevertheless, I got you now!"
Snape was about to fire when a clunky junk ship crashed into his
own ship, which then went off course. He went careening into
space, screaming " What the hell was that?!!?!?!!?!?"
Ron whooped in reply, and Hagrid gave a great roar.
" Ron! You actually did something useful!" said Harry.
" Actually, I tried to wave to Snape and lost control of the ship.
Oh well. Now's your chance
kid. Blow this station up, and let's get the hell out of here!"
Harry was about to reply, when a voice in his head shouted " Use
the Power Harry." Harry
went "Huh?" then turned on his targeting computer.
" No Harry. Use the Power. Use the Power."
" I don't know what you're talking about!"
" Listen, use the Power or I'll kick your ass!"
All of a sudden, Harry realized what he must do. He turned off his
targeting computer, and.
" Harry? What the hell are you doing??? You're flying away from
the battlestation!"
" Trust me Ron, we have to get out of here before the
battlestation explodes."
" But you didn't do anything yet!"
" Trust me."
Harry finished typing the last part of his program. He then hit
the Send button for his e-mail.
* * *
" Rebel base is within range, " intoned the computerized voice.
" Finally. Target the base, and prepare to fire," commanded Moff
Lucius.
Elsewhere in the battlestation, a lonely man by the name of
Gilderoy Lochart sat crying at his
desk. He had once been the greatest playboy ever, but that was
then and this is now. Now, he's just a *sob* washed-up has-been.
" You've got mail," shouted the only voice that'll listen to him.
Lockhart looked up. What was this? Mail? For him? He clicked on
the icon. Hmmm. the mail
was titled LETSGETITON. Who could it be? Maybe it was one of his
old lovers, willing to rekindle their former flame. He double-
clicked on it.
* * *
The Dark Mark, floating ominously in space, exploded in the most
fantastic display of sparks
and fireworks. Everyone on the rebel base gave a great cheer. As
soon as Harry, Ron, and Hagrid returned, they were mobbed by a
great crowd.
Hours later, in the Great Hall, Harry, Ron, and Hagrid marched
down the line between the
Rebel soldiers. Why Ron, the person who killed all their men, got
a medal, was unexplainable, but no one cared. Hermione fixed her
hair, and she was beaming as she gave them their medals. She had
to slap Ron though, because he was trying to peer down her low-cut
dress. Everyone whooped, cheered, and clapped. The Rebels threw
the longest party ever, complete with booze, and lots of people
going
into bedrooms and coming out looking ruffled, and all was well in
the galaxy.
The end, or is it?
Far away, Snape's ship drifted until it was picked up by another.
He walked out, looking very
gaunt and tired. He trembled as he fell down his knees, and
crawled to his master.
" Master, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry for my failure."
"Get up," commanded a cruel voice.
Snape slowly stood, but he still trembled.
" Though the loss of the Dark Mark disappoints me, I have a new
goal for you."
" What is it my master?"
" There is a new player in the field. His name is Harry Potter."
" Yes?"
" Kill him. Oh, and go pick up a bag of Doritos will you?"
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Star Wars.blah blah blah blah.too tired
to write. Oh well, let's just say
that J.K. Rowling and George Lucas deserve credit, not this tired
loser here.
A/N Yes. I finished it. Whoopeee. I may or may not write a sequel
to this, it all depends on the reviews I get. Hope you guys liked
it. My friend didn't. So I rewrote the whole damn thing. Oh well.
Tried the HTM thing, didn't work for some stupid reason. Oh well
again.