Chapter 4 – Firsts
A/N Life kinda hit me hard and fast for a sec there. After a breakup, change of jobs, finding God and a total lifestyle change, IM BACK!
Sorry to those who followed the story since the beginning.
All characters belong to SM. I, refreshingly, don't own anything at the moment. :)
Present time – Panama City, Panama
BPOV
I twist and turn all night. I just can't seem to find rest lately, no matter how hard I try to. So much is on my mind lately.
Will I ever date?
Will I ever freely leave my house?
Will I ever have a boyfriend? Get married? Have an intimate relationship with a human being?
Why does my dad want to take me on a date?
Why am I acting up so much?
Why do I lash out on Edward whenever I get the chance?
There's so much introspection going on that sleep seems like a waste of time. I desperately want answers as to why I'm so confused and annoyed all day.
Am I about to get my period? No, that's not it. What is it?
Am I going through late puberty?
Is that a thing?
Should I google it? No, definite no. Edward sees my browsing history. That's embarrassing. And difficult to explain. I had no idea he sees my browsing history and am utterly ashamed. There's few times I have been mortified in the presence of him. Once when I was fourteen, getting my period for the first time and he had to teach me how to apply a tampon or a pad because the maid was out on vacation. Edward is trustworthy and serious… and I was young but not too young to not understand the vulnerability of a man seeing you naked and in fear.
Second, the time I woke up peeing on my bed. At seventeen. Once again, Edward was trustworthy and serious. He ran a bath for me, washed the bed sheets and never told anyone. I was crying the rest of the night out of sheer humiliation and impotence… what seventeen-year-old girl pees in her bed? He assured me it's what happens after trauma or if you're dreaming of a toilet but I don't remember any dreams of toilets. I was so embarrassed that night I decided to just face my fears and quit crying out to Edward for help at night. It was the last time I slept in his arms.
Third, probably this. I am twenty-three years old and desperate for a date to the point of creating a false account and catfishing some poor guy with lower standards than myself. I know I'm not ugly looking but if I never put myself out there, I'll never meet anyone.
Everyday I'm closer to just accepting it.
I know Edward was just trying to help tonight but I can't help but blame him for part of my problems. I want to let go, be free and roam the world for myself but neither him nor my father let me just… be. If I could just go to the movies, on dates, work a part time job, head to the beach for a day, grab drinks with a friend… maybe I'd sleep peacefully at night and feel fulfilled with my life.
I glance at the clock and it's 7:28 a.m. Better get to it.
I get up, walk to the bathroom and begin my morning routine. Wash teeth, wash face, shower and throw on some casual clothes for a lazy Friday. I linger on my face in the mirror and look at my hair. I sigh as I remember how long it used to be. I cut it on a whim about shoulder length and feel uglier than ever. It's just hair, I guess? It'll grow back.
I walk into the kitchen and there is Edward sitting having his coffee. He turns and looks at me and smiles. There's something so reassuring about him.
"You feeling better?" He seems genuinely concerned.
"I am" I lie. I don't want to stress him out. Lord knows he stresses out.
"There's coffee and pancakes. Help yourself" He gently smiles and focuses back on his newspaper while stuffing his mouth with a huge piece of pancake. Who still reads newspapers? I forget he's thirty-four going on sixty.
"I want to go to the movies tonight."
"Okay, I'll arrange a car there and I'll escort you inside." Another huge bite of pancake.
"Come with me." And there goes the fork drop.
"What?" His mouth is full of pancake but the shock is evident even through the mouthful question.
"Come with me."
"You want me to go to the movies? With you?"
"Yes."
He forcibly swallows the piece of pancake and chugs some coffee before turning to me with full attention.
"Why?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why do you want me to go with you?"
"We always went out together."
"Key word went. Why now? Again?"
"I don't want to go alone" I say. Truthfully.
He looks sad. Here comes the pity party. I think he can tell from my face that I don't want his pity or sadness. Just his company.
"I'll be ready at 6:00 p.m. Be ready, as well."
"Yes sir." And I dive into my pancakes, trying to avoid any awkward conversation that might come from trying to fill in the silence. I hate that it's become this way, we used to be so comfortable with one another.
The situations life put us in obligated us to be okay with seeing each other in very vulnerable times. Read: me getting my period for the first time. But also, many other situations.
To give you some context on this… Edward, Emmet and the other guys frequently have to deal with life situations in this house and that's made us all bond. More with Edward than the others, but still, we all got along more as a family than friends or colleagues. Well, we used to.
6 years ago - New York City
6:00 p.m.
"Where can one get a beer here, though?" Emmet's booming voice was loud- even for a New York street where everything seems to overpower voices.
"Do you think about anything else? At all?" I giggle at Edward's comment. It's so… Edward. He's always been the serious and grown up one out of all of them, despite being of the youngest of the crew.
"I do. Nine to five usually. As soon as that clock marks 5:01 my head is on happy hour mode."
"Right, I forget you two don't work 24 hours." His comment seems bitter and my heart hurts as he says the words. Does he hate his job? Taking care of me? Dedicating all day every day to me and my life? It must suck now that I think of it.
"But I wouldn't change it for the world." He smiles as he looks over at me and throws his arm over my shoulders for a squeeze. "What's more fun than spending all day with this sweet teenager who's almost an adult." He kisses the top of my head and everything is better. He has a way of doing that.
Jasper groans and we all laugh. He's usually the coldest and most distant- also the most anti-love human on earth. Maria's death must have done that, poor man.
"Baby Isa, you're almost not a baby!" Emmet's voice, impossibly louder than before alerts almost all off New York of my upcoming birthday.
"Six hours to be exact." Edward, once again, looks over and smiles. I know he's reassuring me with every word and gesture. He knows I'm not content with where my life is at and how I thought it would be. We talked a lot on the plane here and he got me to confess my insecurities.
I didn't know what I wanted to study in college. Or where my job would take me. I thought I'd have had my first kiss by now or some hand holding action. Edward, in Edward fashion thought it was funny and gave me a peck on the cheek plus a hand hold.
"One, two, three..."
"Why are you counting?"
"Cause in about forty-five seconds our hands will start sweating and you'll officially have hit the hand holding milestone. No one should turn eighteen and not have experienced uncomfortable, sweaty hand holding. It's a part of life."
I can't contain my laugh and everything's better. It always is better with him cheering me up.
"So, miss eighteen-in-six-hours, where do we go?" Emmet is clearly on the hunt for a beer so I suggest a bar nearby. I've heard about it on Facebook.
"Isabella, that place is way too grown for you. Let's go to Applebee's instead."
"Bro, are you serious?" Emmet had to stop walking for this one.
"Yes." Edward's jaw was shut tight. Sign #1 of him getting serious. Time for me to step in
"Edward, I'm turning eighteen. Take me somewhere grown, come on. I won't drink and I always behave. My dad doesn't have to know." I cheeky smile as Emmet and Jasper fist bump and he knows I've shut down his arguments.
"Fine. But we leave at 1:00 a.m. sharp. Got it?"
"Sir, yes, sir." We all say in unity as we fake salute him like a soldier.
9:00 p.m.
In my hotel room, I dig up my best 'bar outfit' and heels. I secretly don't want to look like the child of the group even if that's what I am.
As soon as I'm ready I phone Edward's room and we meet in the suite's kitchen. My father always makes sure we all stay in the same suite to avoid danger. Sucks. I would've liked privacy in a moment like this... to just blast some music and try to sexy dance in the mirror to celebrate becoming an adult. To feel like a woman.
We all gather our stuff and head out. My heart is racing… I'm thinking of all the possibilities of a night out with all the guys letting their guard down with booze and distracted… Maybe I'll dance with a stranger… maybe he'll buy me a drink... maybe he'll-
"You okay?" Edward looks at me with a raised brow, almost as if he knew what I was thinking.
"Perfect, why?" I fake innocence. It doesn't work.
"You have that face you make when you're about to do something that will make my hair grey 30 years too early."
"Relax, Edward. Can't a girl be excited for her birthday?"
"Sure, call it excitement. Don't get me in trouble is all I ask."
"Cross my heart." And I throw him a wink. He laughs and we keep walking.
As soon as we arrive to the restaurant, which definitely was more bar than food, but let's call it a restaurant, we were seated at a booth. I look around and try to get the feel of the place. Definitely "grown" like Edward called it.
There's a lot of open space that doubles as a dance floor where there's women in revealing tops swinging their hips with friends and drinks in their hand. There's loud music that definitely doesn't promote anything but dry humping your partner. There's low lights and a certain "Texas cowboy" vibe to the whole thing. Like the bars you see in movies or Super bowl beer commercials. Yeah… those. Bull and all.
"Want some iced tea?" Edward interrupts my observation. I nod and continue.
My eyes linger on the bartender and the drink he's serving a bachelorette group. They're pink and fluffy looking, almost like cotton candy. It looks delicious and my curiosity is sparked.
"Don't even think about it." Seriously? Look at something else?
"Edward, there's like fifty other women in this place. Could you fix your eyes on them and not on me or the direction I'm looking at? It's creepy."
"I don't get paid to look at them. Would be nice though. If there's a job for that, send them my CV."
I roll my eyes and continue observing. Plus, some daydreaming.
I imagine myself hopping on the bull, swinging on it like a pro and wow-ing every guy in here. I imagine a handsome blonde coming up to me and offering a pink fluffy drink. I imagine myself with girlfriends dancing the night away with no worries but how we're going to get home. I smile as I picture it. I hang on to the hope that it will happen someday. Maybe when I run away.
"Yo boys, let's go watch the bull riders." Emmet claps his hands together- as if making a statement not a suggestion and gets up.
"Sure. I'm down." Jasper is up and following them.
Edward looks at me as I look at him. I smile reassuringly, "Go."
"Come with us."
"I like to observe, you know that. Go ahead, I'll be okay."
"Isabella, don't move from here."
"It's my birthday outing, dad. For once, don't tell me what to do."
"Your father has given me authority over you."
I roll my eyes. "So?"
"So when I give you orders, you obey."
"Fine, I'll be right here. … go!" He looks at me threateningly one more time and heads towards them.
As soon as he's far away I get up and start roaming the place. It's much bigger than I imagined. A song I like starts playing and before I know it, my inhibitions are letting loose.
Imustadmit, Ican'texplain
Anyofthesethoughtsracin' throughmybrain, it'strue
BabyI'mhowlin' foryou
I swing my hips to the rhythm and sing along to the next verse.
There's something wrong, with this plot
The actors here have not got a clue
Baby I'm howlin' for you
By now I'm in the middle of the dance floor with some other girls who have adopted me into their circle. They're so nice!
As the next part of the song comes on we all raise our hands and start twirling excitedly.
Da-da da-da da, da-da da-da da
Da-da da-da da, da-da da-da da
I feel a warm hand sit at my waist and look to my left to find a long haired blonde hottie smiling at me and singing along.
Da-da da-da da, da-da da-da da
Da-da da-da da, da-da da-da da
Despite my inmediate nerves, I smile back and quickly look around to make sure Edward is not near. Nope. We're good.
"I'm Bradley. What's your name?" He whisper-yells into my ear. Can these people turn the music down? I think I'm being hit on for the first time ever.
I panic and give a fake name just to be sure, "Lucy."
"Lucy? Does everybody love you?" He smiles as he spins me around when the second chorus rolls around.
I chuckle at the reference. "That's what they say."
"What do you say, Lucy?" He stops dancing now. "Can I buy you a drink?" I almost faint right there. This is exactly what I had dreamed of. Oh, please Edward, don't show up now.
"Sure". Not only am I being hit on, but I am gonna have my first drink! Pinch me!
We make our way to the bar and he asks me what I want. I say anything pink and he orders me a Royal Blush. It's exactly the one I saw the girls have.
I try to act cool and bring the straw o my lips and am immediately taken aback by the sweetness of it. I expected alcohol to taste like it smells but boy, this is delicious! Like a candy! We stay by the bar and dance some more but there's no more conversation due to the loud music.
He orders me a second Royal Blush as I glance over at the bul. Sure enough, the guys are still very distracted by a busty brunette swinging for her life on the mechanic thing. Edward and Emmet are laughing about something and I get weirdly jealous. And there's a strange and new feeling at the pit of my stomach. I don't like him giving attention to other women.
What's Edward like with women? I wonder. I've only ever heard of one girl he occasionally saw up until I was sixteen and then she was never mentioned again. Does he not date? Does Edward have sex? Does he have sex in the same house I sleep in?
I shake off the thoughts and focus back on Bradley and my drink. Is this thing stronger than the first one? Wow. I feel him inch closer to me as the songs pass by and I find myself not liking it. What the heck? His breath was hot on my face, his curls too messy for my taste all of a sudden and his smile started to creep me out.
Why am I turned off all of a sudden?
I was on cloud nine two minutes ago?
What do I want?
I know what I want but I'm confused. I've never wanted him before.
I blame it on the booze.
I look over and see Edward raising his head in the direction of the booze. Oh no.
"Crap, Bradley, I really have to go back to my table. Alone. I'm sorry."
"Babysitter?"
"Sort of."
"Cool. Later." He brushes me off like nothing… okay. Ego blow.
Then I have an epiphany. If I show Edward that he can just control me as he pleases, he will continue doing so. Ha! Let me show him what I can and can't do.
"Bradley!"
"Yeah, babe'" He turns to me.
I walk up and grab his hand. "Let's go dance some more. But out here." I drag him to the middle of the dance floor where I catch Edward's eye and hold the stare for a couple seconds. I can see him mouthing "What the hell" and I wave. Take that, Mr. I-Give-You-Orders-And-You-Obey-Them. How's this?
The DJ calls all singles to the dance floor and Drop It Like It's Hot starts playing real loud.
Bradley spins me so my back is facing his front and grabs my hips as we go down to the beat. I look up and am met with Edward looking at me furiously from the table. Good.
I circle my hips and try to act like I have any clue what I'm doing and I think it's working.
"You're good at this." Bradley spins me back and we do the same motions but facing each other. I smile and nod. I turn back against him, I want to see Edward see me doing this. I feel rebellious. To hell with you and your orders.
I lean forward and stick my butt out towards Brad. He takes this as an offering and palms me so he's basically groping me in public. A group of girls on the table signal me to hop on and as Bradley and I move towards them I see Edward drop everything and head straight towards me.
"Uh oh." I stop and turn to Brad.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing just-"
"Just she's seventeen which means you giving her alcohol is illegal. I suggest you step away."
"What?"
"You heard me. Providing a minor with alcohol is illegal in all states. Step. Back." He's basically growling at Brad now and all I can do is look down as he looks at me for help. Sorry, boy. I'm guilty as chaaaarged.
"Fuck this." And he practically runs off.
I haven't even looked up at Edward when he grabs my arm forcefully and pulls me towards the table. We surf through the crowd and get to the booth. He drops forty bucks, a note and gives me my purse.
"What?" I ask, annoyed.
"What? We're leaving, that's what." He doesn't even look at me and starts heading towards the door. I stand there frozen. He's really, really mad.
He looks back and yells from across the room, "We're leaving, Isabella. Come." I stand frozen, still. This time I'm embarrassed. Why is he scolding me like a child in public? On my birthday? Why can't he let me be normal?
He walks back to me and grabs my hand. Before I can object my legs are moving towards the door. He doesn't look at me or talk on the whole commute back to the hotel. I start thinking of ways to make him feel bad for the scene he threw at the bar but nothing feels quite right. Shame starts to set in ad I think back on how I danced with that guy and accepted drinks, knowing well it could get him in trouble.
The elevator ride is unbearable. The silent and tense air is thick with anger and unspoken accusations. Once we're through the hotel door, hell begins.
"What the hell was that, Isabella?" He screams so loud I think the entire building heard him.
I stay silent. He knows what it was.
"You're not an adult, you can't be out there drinking and potentially getting like twenty people thrown in jail because you felt like trying something new. You are a child and that's why your father hired me- to take care of you." He pinches the bridge of his nose and lowers his tone. "All I ever do is take care of you, take you to shool, I've braided your hair, I've done your nails, I've tried and given my life to pleasing you and making sure you're happy and safe. I wanted, fuck no, I needed a night out to just relax and have a good evening and you go and throw that show for what? What do you want from me?"
"Let me live." I keep my tone cold and indifferent. It irks him and I know it.
"That's what I'm trying to do but there are limits, Isabella. You were at a bar for crying out loud, that's already bad enough. You've gone through shit, you can't just be out there living life as if you're like anybody else." What? What's wrong with him? I'm not some freak.
"I want to feel normal, okay?" I shout at him.
"Well, you're not! There's different rules for you!"
"How am I not normal?" I'm furious at his insensitive comment. He knows I've spent my whole life insecure and feeling left out because of my past, who my dad is, how my life has played out and he says that.
"You've seen shit. You've lived throught stuff. Fuck, you peed in bed a couple months ago. How's that for normal?" The second he says it I start bawling. That was the most embarrassing day of my life and he uses it to make a point. I feel humiliated.
I turn and run to my room. I lock the door and ignore his knocking.
"I'm so sorry. I'm just mad, I don't know why I said that."
I kick off my heels and cry.
"Isabella, please open up."
I remove my tight, uncomfortable skinny jeans and cry.
"Forgive me. I'm an idiot. Please, I shouldn't have brought it up."
I hear him step away and hug my pillow tighter. I hate this.
I hear the door fumble and then it opens. And there's Edward looking crazy with a knife in his hand. He actually went and broke the lock. What's wrong with him?
He runs to my bed and hugs me.
"You're the bravest girl I know. You're worth the universe and more." He tucks me under his arm as he caresses my hair trying to sooth me. "'m sorry I used something you're embarrassed of to belittle you in a fight. Forgive me. I love you so, so much. You're my world. Don't cry." He grabs my face and wipes my tears. I'm mortified.
"I'm mortified."
"Don't be. It happens to all of us."
"It doesn't happen to you."
"Would you be freaked out if it happened to me?"
"No."
He smiles and tells me to hang on. For what? And then I'm frozen in my spot. I feel warmth invading my leg, right where its tucked in close to his. Is this guy for real? Is he-?
"Now we both peed in bed. If I laugh at you, you can laugh at me too!" I lift the covers and check… Yep. He's peeing! In the bed! My bed!
"Edward, are you nuts?"
"No, I'm just casually peeing in bed. Has it happened to you?" And he smiles. And I'm done.
That's it for the night. All fights over. We laugh and clean the sheets together. He showers and puts on his sweats. I shower and clean off all the makeup.
There was never a fight longer than an hour. There was never any pain he couldn't make go away.
A/N Hope you liked the flashback! Hopefully it gives some insight as to how their relationship used to be
Next chapter they go to the movies!
Reviewers get to eat popcorn with Edward ;)