AN: Thank you to all reviewers.
NB: My assumptions of how much money Edward has is based on what I read in the Manga. Edward used his research budget for just about all of their expenses and so I assume Edward probably had a lot of money saved over from his personal military salary considering he worked with the military for so many years and owned nothing noteworthy and personally bought.
Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Our Lady Peace
Pairing: Elricest (Edward/Alphonse)
Rating: T
Warnings: Language, Incest
Verse: Post Manga, Deviation From Canon
Authors Note: This is my attempt at an Elricest story, I won't say it's realistically portrayed because that depends on the readers views.
Built For Sin
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place
There's nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here
When they say you're
not that strong
You're not that weak
It's not your fault
When you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you've got
What you love
What you need
What you have is real
It's not enough
It's not enough, I'm sorry
Edward was starting to realise this was going to be harder than he thought…and not in the way he would have assumed.
When Alphonse had first told him about his affliction, Edward thought that the actual case of his brother's incestuous feelings for him would become a problem…but that was not the case.
He actually didn't feel much about Alphonse's feelings, most of the time they acted normally –give or take a few awkward moments in between – and it didn't really seem like things were so bad.
It hardly affected him, he was worried obviously and still trying to figure out a way to go about stopping or at least curbing his brother's feelings somehow, but it wasn't causing him any actual discomfort per say.
The hardest part was Alphonse's reactions to him.
Edward was so used to Alphonse that things like undressing, physical contact and all the like just came naturally to him but whenever he did anything like that, Alphonse would flinch, become quiet or light up like a red light bulb.
It was a little bothersome actually since he would have to start trying to remember all these little things in order to avoid upsetting his younger brother and his tenuous feelings.
But he would try…he would always try…
They'd just moved into the new apartment the day before and were currently sitting across from each other in a diner near the windows facing the street, the sun was out but the weather was still chilly and Alphonse would shiver occasionally beneath his coats because he'd gotten so damn skinny.
They'd always had a similar appetite, the Elric appetite as Pinako called it and they were notorious for clearing dinner tables worth of food, but lately Alphonse had almost no appetite and Edward knew why and didn't want to force the issue but he felt he had to insist the younger man ate.
As it were they'd ordered breakfast and Edward had taken the liberty of ordering the same for Alphonse as he did for himself, receiving an unhappy glare for it, Edward wasn't fazed, he'd simply smiled roguishly.
Alphonse had been looking a little upset since the morning and Edward didn't know why, they'd decided to stay in the hotel the night before since they couldn't get beds that late in the afternoon and the weather had taken a turn for 'too cold to sleep on the floor' kind of worse.
He did notice Alphonse's eyes were a little swollen that morning and he knew then that he'd been crying –it hurt him to think of Al crying so quietly just a few feet from him- but he hadn't had a chance to ask why and right then in public didn't seem like a good idea.
He'd also tried to avoid doing anything to make the other man uncomfortable, he'd specifically changed clothes in the bathroom, didn't walk too closely…he did wonder if maybe that's why Alphonse was upset.
In that case it'd either be because he wanted Edward to continue to do those things or it'd be because he thought Ed was mad at him for the previous afternoon.
He sipped his coffee as he thought about it, Alphonse had seemed like he was awfully close to kissing him…and Edward hadn't shoved him off or even opened his mouth to ask what he was doing.
All that had been going through his mind was,
'He's gonna cry, please don't let him cry…how can I make him stop crying? How can I stop him from hurting…should I…should I just…?'
He hadn't realised until after Al was sobbing on his shoulder that he'd been in a very dangerous state of mind.
He'd always known he'd do anything for Alphonse…but the fact that in that moment he would have let Alphonse…kiss him…just to make him happy…was very very bad.
For both of them.
He'd remained shaken up all of the night before and he'd done his best to keep his unease from Alphonse but he'd also automatically become more aware of Alphonse and so he'd remembered to change in private and avoid contact.
On top of all of that damned confusion he'd felt so guilty because he didn't want to avoid Alphonse just because he was a little shaken up. He had to be strong, Alphonse needed him to be strong and sometimes it was so easy…when they were just talking like normal…but sometimes it was so hard…
…when Alphonse was looking at him with something Edward clearly identified as some sort of angry need…twisted lust…
It shook him up when he'd pretend to not notice Alphonse's eyes looking over him, lingering in some places.
It was really hard to ignore…because Alphonse seemed to be accepting it more and doing it more.
Edward just wished they could go back to the way they were before…just brothers.
As it was, Alphonse had only called him 'brother' once since they'd left Risembool and it didn't seem like it was going to happen again anytime soon.
"Edward…your eggs are getting cold. You hate cold eggs." Alphonse's scratchy –cried out- voice brought him back from his daydreaming stare at the newspaper on the table in front of him.
He glanced up to Alphonse who was placing his own plate down in front of him and then to the other plate at the side of the newspaper.
He hadn't even noticed the food arrive.
"Oh, thanks Al." he took his elbows off the table and folded the morning paper up before dragging his plate over. He was picking up his knife and work while watching Alphonse scoop up a small bit of the scrambled eggs onto his fork before placing it into his mouth.
Then he picked up a slice of the toast and bit into…and then he stopped chewing.
Edward blinked and realised he was staring, Alphonse was giving him a 'stop that please' look, he finished chewing, swallowed and then picked up more eggs,
"I'm eating, you don't have to watch me…I'm not going to throw it under the table." He mumbled before taking more of the fluffy yellow egg into his mouth.
Edward noticed his lips were chapped and dry, his face was blotchy from crying and his eyes were less swollen but still noticeably red and irritated.
"Edward, please." He said quietly holding the toast almost to his mouth.
Edward averted his eyes to his cooling eggs, toast and bacon before realising he wasn't hungry…that was strange.
"…why were you crying Al?" he asked very quietly as he moved a piece of bacon around with the tip of his knife.
The place was almost completely empty since it was after the breakfast rush and before the lunch time rush, there were a handful of people scattered throughout the place and the waitresses were gossiping quite far away, he deemed it safe enough to talk quietly.
"I don't want to talk about it here." Alphonse shot him down.
Edward didn't look up, he just sighed and rubbed a hand over his forehead before tucking his hair behind his ears and then he started to eat, clearing his plate in about five minutes regardless of his lack of appetite.
By the time he was done and had ordered a fresh cup of black coffee, Alphonse had abandoned half of his eggs, a slice of toast and most of the bacon. He'd barely eaten and Edward felt irritated by it,
"You should finish that…" he said quietly and sipped his new hot coffee.
Alphonse had even abandoned his tea,
"No, thank you." He said sternly and gave Edward a look to back off.
Naturally Edward didn't,
"You are going to get sick Alphonse…" he leaned forward, his cup on the table between his arms.
"Leave it alone, Edward." Al raised a hand to rub over his chapped lips and Edward noticed he was shaking slightly as he turned a page of the furniture catalogue on the table, pretending to be interested in it.
He wanted to leave right then, drag Alphonse to some place private and demand to find out what was wrong, he hadn't been shaking since the train…something had upset him badly, it made Edward worried and upset.
But he didn't get into it, he didn't want to start an argument in public, so he'd wait.
After breakfast they found themselves in mid-town, browsing a furniture store, it was almost 11 a.m.
They walked around for a while before Edward got annoyed with the floor staff following them around smiling in a wordless question of 'can I help you', looking for a sale.
"Al…" he huffed and rolled his eyes over to the younger man, who was looking rather closely at a set of drawers, "…your taking really long you know?" He informed.
Alphonse stood up straight, turned to him and blinked,
"Taking too long to what?" he sounded genuinely confused.
Edward noticed his lips were less dry, he looked like he had a little more life in his cheeks too and his eyes were no longer swollen at all, a little food went a long way to healing the bodies weakened constitution, he smiled lazily, instantly feeling better,
"To pick out what you want." He glanced around the large store.
Alphonse frowned,
"For my bedroom…just a bed, a set of drawers…there are built in wardrobes so…" he trailed off also glancing around.
"What about everything else?" Edward frowned back.
"Everything else?"
Edward sighed,
"Yeah Al…like kitchen stuff…and uh, the stuff that goes in the living room and the bathroom stuff…" he gestured around the separated parts of the store.
Alphonse looked like he wanted to laugh but he also looked surprised,
"You want me to pick all that…stuff, Edward." His face was relaxed from its frown of all morning.
Edward liked it when Alphonse had no stress lines around his eyes, he looked so much better,
"Yeah, I do…pick whatever you like. Make the place home, your better at that sort of stuff than I am." He mumbled.
Alphonse didn't look like he agreed,
"What exactly do you base that assumption on, I've no more experience furnishing a house than you do." He laughed slightly.
Edward felt his chest warm, he hadn't heard that sound in a long time,
"Oh come on, whenever we stayed over at Gracia's you always talked about how much you liked the wallpaper, how it went well with the lounge stuff and all that crap, you know your better at it than me." He insisted.
He couldn't help smile when Alphonse smiled completely, showing some of his teeth and his eyes brightened,
"Are you, my dear brother the former Fullmetal Alchemist extraordinaire, admitting that you could not co-ordinate house furniture to match the colour of a wall." He was just short of snickering now.
Edward's smile turned into a 'so what' expression,
"Eh, I know how to make a building…but I'd rather not choose what colour the walls of it will be." He joked easily, liking the normalcy and light hearted smile on Al's face.
Alphonse looked like he was going to say something but an older, short, round woman came over to them with a salesmen smile,
"Hi there…" she extended a hand and Alphonse reached for it while Edward looked irritably at the lady, annoyed at the interruption, "…you two have been in here a while, that tells me your looking to buy and not just browse…" she turned her hand over to Edward.
Edward stuck his left hand out…old habits die hard…but was pleased that she had to change hands to accommodate him.
"Yeah, we are." Edward said lamely.
"Great, so which one of you young men are looking to buy?" she glanced between them.
Edward was irritated when Alphonse looked at him, making the woman turn her full attention on to him,
"You then, what are you looking to buy, something small, more than one thing…we have some discounts, I can talk them over with you once I know what you're interested in." she was really hamming up the sales smile.
Edward looked around the large store,
"Actually a lot of stuff, furnishing a new apartment." He drawled, hands deep in his black coat pockets and his posture lazy.
Alphonse was looking at him but it didn't seem to be one of those looks, just the kind of look he always gave Edward when he thought he was being rude.
"Oh wonderful, let's start with the kitchen, I always like to start with the kitchen…" she waved for them to follow her as she walked away.
"I'll bet she always does start in the kitchen…" he mumbled.
"Ed." Alphonse hit him in his chest with a soft backhand and Edward grinned naughtily.
They were looking over the fridges available, Alphonse looking at the prices and opening them up to check how much space they had…all the stuff Edward knew he would do well and he himself couldn't be bothered with.
"So…" the tubby lady spoke up, she was standing next to him where he leaned against one of many dryers in a row and he'd been ignoring her.
"Hm." He raised his eyebrows to the woman who was about a head shorter than him.
"Are you furnishing an apartment for a special lady, you look about the marrying age and you're a handsome young man too, you just have to have a pretty young lady…" she said overly bubbly.
Edward knew this was part of the 'build a rapport' gimmick between the sales person and the client but the words struck home…in more ways than one.
He'd made the large withdrawal from his account before he left Creta because he'd intended to buy an engagement ring for Winry and plan a proposal dinner…if she'd said yes –and he had been pretty certain she would have- he supposed that eventually he might have been doing this very thing with her.
Of course by this point it seemed insignificant because Alphonse was more important and he'd already seen change, good change, for what they were doing. Alphonse hadn't smiled at him once the entire time until earlier and it felt like he'd started to clear the dark cloud above his brother's head…slowly but surely he'd make him feel better, he'd make things right.
"Nope, no girl…" he said stiffly, trying to keep the conversation short and vague, which didn't work out so well since that lent options to the woman to speculate,
"Oh…" he saw her glance at Alphonse who was smiling at one of the fridge's he seemed to like best, "…oh I see, the young man with you then…is he the lucky guy?" she had the nerve to nudge Edward after saying that.
His heart had skipped a beat when she said that…because suddenly that's exactly what it felt like…
His brother had confessed to loving him in a very non-platonic way just two days ago, now they were moving in to a place on their own and Alphonse was practically playing the part of the…wife…
He was certain he was over exaggerating, this woman was just being a pest.
With calm he didn't feel right then he glanced at her making sure to convey how much she was annoying him,
"He…" he pointed to Alphonse who had just started coming over to them, "…is my younger brother, you nosy, old…-"
"Ed…"Al said with a half-smile when he reached them and then noticed the woman's upset frown, "…uh, everything okay?"
"No, I want another sales person…" he gave her a 'get lost' look and she glanced between them before raising her round shoulders and walking away.
Edward felt kind of bad when Alphonse looked expectantly at him for an explanation in his censorious way,
"She was being forward, asking personal questions…she's nosy…" he said irritably.
Alphonse sighed while shaking his head,
"Well, could you go and find another sales person, we still have a lot of stuff to pick out and arrange delivery."
Edward nodded and started to walk away to do just that but he stopped a few steps away and turned back, just because he felt bad for over reacting just now and when he turned around he felt a little shaken, Alphonse was standing and staring straight at him.
The look was intense and had all kinds of significant personal emotions laden into it…all directed at Edward.
He managed a small smile and nod before he turned away and sighed, a small frown on his face.
If he was really turning this into some kind of pseudo relationship…he wasn't sure just how bad it could get.
A few hours later they stood in the kitchen of their apartment, Edward had insisted they buy sandwiches on the way back and even though Alphonse showed no interest in buying them, he was glad to see Alphonse making his way through a tuna, cheese and mayo sandwich and he looked like he was enjoying it.
"You look like your enjoying that…" Edward smiled around his mouthful of the beef sandwich he'd bought.
Alphonse scowled at him and swallowed his bite,
"Don't talk with food in your mouth Ed, geez, after all these years." He shook his head in half-hearted disapproval.
Ed snickered and sipped from his soda drink before talking,
"Yeah, yeah…so is your appetite coming back?"
Alphonse had been looking over the unpacked boxes of kitchen appliances that had been delivered a half hour ago along with everything else,
"I think so…" he shrugged and sipped his cola, "…I did start to feel really hungry around lunch time, I guess that's a good sign." He nodded and smiled at Ed.
The older man smiled back,
"That's good news, you get your appetite back and you'll start feeling better…"
"Physically." Alphonse specified.
Edward chewed slower on his bite of sandwich at those words and he remembered what he'd wanted to know earlier,
"Al…why were you crying last night?" he asked quietly and put what was left of his sandwich back into the polystyrene container.
Alphonse was in between eating and so he just put his sandwich down,
"I'm not sure telling you would really make anything better, Ed." He admitted.
Edward knew that was probably true but still, they'd always told each other as close to everything as possible, so he didn't think that should change,
"Tell me…" he leaned his elbows on the plastic covered table giving Alphonse his full attention.
The atmosphere in the room shifted heavily for Edward just by the serious and dark look that came over Alphonse's face, he found himself feeling a little nervous as his younger brother also placed his elbows on the table, folded his arms and he looked at the space between them with a frown,
"Yesterday afternoon, when I hugged you…I had the…urge…" he swallowed thickly, Edward saw him hesitate to say anymore,
"It's okay, Al, you can tell me…" he said despite how his insides twisted with nervousness.
Alphonse took a breath and closed his eyes,
"I had the urge to kiss you…" he said quickly and Edward saw him squeeze his eyes shut tighter.
Edward raised an eyebrow feeling his nervousness dissipating…he didn't know if it was a good or bad thing, but that admission didn't really bother him, he'd expected worse,
"Uh…okay…that's okay…" he didn't think he should be saying it was okay but he realised it too late.
And that's when it came to his attention that Alphonse hadn't finished talking and what he said might have just made it worse because his brother's fist clenched and it only slightly hid the small tremble, Edward hated his big mouth sometimes.
This time he kept silent and as expected Alphonse continued after a moment, sounding bitter,
"Why did you let me kiss you in the den?"
He hadn't expected that question and he opened his mouth and closed it again before frowning,
"I didn't…I mean…it seemed like…" he sighed and looked away from the watery green eyes, feeling thrown off, "…I didn't think anything of it, I just thought you were happy to see me." He said honestly.
"I've never kissed you on the mouth before…no matter how happy I am." Alphonse sounded like he was scolding him.
Edward felt himself get a little angry but it wasn't so much at Alphonse, it was just in general,
"Yeah well you were sick, do you really think I cared about that at the time!?" he snapped and closed his eyes, putting his head in his hand with a sharp exhale, "…sorry for shouting…" he mumbled.
When Alphonse didn't respond he looked up, expression apologetic and he saw Al looking at the table sadly,
"Al…-"
"Did it bother you…" he said quietly, "…when you thought about it later?"
Edward ran the question over in his mind, trying to figure out what was going on in his little brother's head,
"Uh, well…when I knew what was wrong…it kind of seemed…like you shouldn't have done it." He admitted.
"But my actually kissing you on the mouth didn't bother you." He said quickly and looked at Ed directly.
Edward heard alarms go off in his head,
"Alphonse, where is this going?" he demanded, using the authoritive tone of voice he hardly ever used on his younger brother.
Alphonse's breath hitched at Ed's demanding tone but he held back whatever tears he had and got up from his chair quickly,
"I was…" he swallowed down his anguish, "…just asking."
"Why were you asking that…it sounded…it sounded like you were…" Edward heard the panic in his own voice. Suddenly it seemed like he was losing the grasp he thought he had on this situation, it seemed like Alphonse was suggesting…
"What, what did it sound like?" he asked with his back to Edward, he was near the kitchen exit.
For the first time Edward felt his chest constrict from the weight of all of this and he stared at Alphonse's back,
"…like you…were trying to determine if…if I…" he couldn't bring himself to say 'would allow you to do it again'.
Alphonse seemed to know what he wanted to say and he turned around,
"It's fine, I was only thinking about it…I'd never expect you to do that…if you didn't want to." He said quietly and then left the kitchen.
Edward felt suddenly very empty and very alone in the quiet kitchen, his breathing was faint and his mind was blank of anything except the look of hopelessness on Alphonse's face just then.
He'd only ever looked like that once before…and that was when their mother had died.
Edward had a very bad feeling all of a sudden…that this thing was going to consume him…just like his mother's death had…
…and if that happened…would he once again commit a taboo…would he sin…?
He slowly folded his arms on the table and placed his head on them, the emptiness and silence ringing in his ears.
Edward was downstairs in the lobby of the apartment building an hour later.
After the conversation in the kitchen Alphonse had retreated to his new room and Edward had heard the sounds of boxes being opened and shuffling, so he figured Al was unpacking his new stuff and making up his room.
Edward couldn't honestly be bothered with that, he's sleep on the plastic covered mattress tonight and sort out the unpacking tomorrow. It was just after six pm now and he was trying to determine whether he should wait until tomorrow to make the phone call he'd come down to make.
After some deliberation he concluded he didn't feel like going through the phone protocols of the military just to ask a question so he sighed and picked up the phone off its perch, he was standing in one of the four phone booths in the lobby. He dialled the number he'd remembered but wasn't entirely certain still worked and it rang a few times, Edward was about to hang up right when the line opened,
"Mustang." The voice was crystal clear and sounded bored.
Edward smirked, realising the bastard General hadn't changed, he always answered his work phone sounding bored too,
"General Shit, I didn't think I'd still get you on this old number, after moving up in the ranks I thought you'd have moved out of that bachelor pad." He leaned back against the dividers of the booth.
There was a pause and then Edward could almost hear the smirk,
"Fullmetal…" he sighed sounding bored again, "…to what do I owe the pleasure." His sarcasm came through uninterrupted.
Edward rolled his eyes,
"Eh, you should know, it's not like I'd call you just because I like talking to you." He said back sounding equally bored.
Mustang was probably looking a little annoyed now, Edward could picture it,
"Right, of course, what do you want from me this time?" he sounded awfully casual.
Edward smirked,
"I see you haven't gotten slow in your old age…" he snickered, "…I'm looking for work in Central, preferably long term and well paying, military contracts do pay the best." He ran a hand over his ponytail a few times.
"I see." Mustang sounded amused, "…this is very very short notice, Edward." He said pointedly.
Edward nearly yelled obscenities into the phone but there were people around the lobby and he was no longer the little brat he once was, so instead he turned his back to the lobby,
"Don't say short like that, you bastard, I'm not short." He said quietly.
"Not as short."
Edward heard his grin,
"What's that supposed to mean?" he was glaring at the numbers on the phone.
"It means you're not as short as you once were…but you're still short."
"I'm going to kick your ass when I see you."
Mustang chuckled,
"You should have a little more tolerance, Ed." He quipped.
Edward clutched the phone and took deep breaths, he knew Mustang was just doing this to get on his nerves,
"Just shut up and tell me if you have anything." He grouched.
"I can't very well do both."
"Mustang." Ed said irritably.
Mustang's amused snickers annoyed him but only superficially, he doubted this sort of banter would ever get old between them, they were stuck in their old ways far too well.
"Hmm, well it would have been better if you called me when I was at work. I don't have any of the work contracts here to say for sure…" he trailed off.
"Yeah well, I don't need it right away, in a week maybe I'll be ready to start work…I just didn't wanna have to go through ten people to ask you one question on the military lines, dumb General protocols are probably worse than when you were Colonel." He grumbled and scratched his nose.
"Fair enough…" Mustang sounded like he agreed, "…in a week I should definitely have something for you, I think I recall a building project you might be interested in…-"
"You know I can't." Edward said quietly, his face taking on an upset expression as he stared at the wall above the booth.
There was quiet and then Mustang spoke,
"Oh, no I didn't mean an Alchemy building project…I wouldn't suggest such a thing Edward…" he sounded somewhat apologetic, "…it's architectural and you're a qualified architect*, if you recall it was one of the certifications you got when you passed the state alchemist exam."
Edward frowned,
"Wait, you mean it's gonna be built…manually." He was confused by that, there were structural alchemists who could do that, Edward himself was a qualified structural alchemist…of course he could no longer do alchemy, so it didn't count.
"Yes…" Mustang sounded bored again, "…its some new program the state is backing as an incentive to encourage and empower non-alchemy users." He finished lamely.
Edward thought that sounded stupid,
"That's just stupid, what could take a day and half the money to complete with alchemy they're going to invest a shit load of money, time, manpower and resources in to…" he was shaking his head.
"Hm hm…" Mustang responded sounding half asleep, "…it's the aim of the new Amestris Military Government, empower the people…remember…Mr Peoples Alchemist…" he said pointedly, "…besides its good news for you since it means a nine month work contract."
Edward sighed, that was true,
"Yeah but…taking tax money to waste on something like that is hardly empowering anyone…"
"Perhaps you should re-join the military and then you can have a say…"
"Up yours, Mustang."
"Sorry Ed, but I don't like you that way." He joked.
"Shut up, bastard." He shot back quietly.
"Speaking of which, when did you get into the country, are you in Risembool?" he sounded awake again.
Edward blinked,
"Uh, yeah I'm back about three days now but I'm not in Risembool."
"Where are you?"
"Central."
"You're in Central right now?"
Edward made a face,
"That's what I just said, what do you need, a hearing aid?"
"Why are you calling me? You should have just come and seen me tomorrow at work."
"Maybe I don't want to see you."
"Come to the office tomorrow, I'll ask Hawkeye to find a few contracts for you to look through first thing in the morning."
"Are you deaf?"
"Don't be that way Ed, I want to see how tall you've grown."
"What!"
"See you tomorrow, come early." He said cheerily and Edward was huffing into a dead line a second later.
For Edward four years seemed like too soon to be seeing that smug bastard again, but as the annoyance faded and Ed put the phone down, he smiled somewhat fondly, some part of him had to admit it'd be nice to see everyone again, even Mustang and his big annoying mouth.
But another part of him wasn't feeling up to it, after all, he was here with Al and things were kind of bad right then, he didn't know if he could go and see them without feeling worry or guilt the entire time.
Deciding not to over think it, Edward made his way back up to the apartment, he let himself in and locked the door behind him.
He walked down the short hall into his new bedroom and sighed as he looked around the untidy mess of boxes and plastic. He was starting to take his black waist jacket off just when Alphonse spoke from his doorway,
"Where'd you go?" he mumbled.
Edward turned to look at him, his eyes were puffy again and he knew that meant he'd been crying but he also looked like he'd been asleep,
"I went down to make a phone call." He tossed his jacket onto a box near him and turned around to start shifting some stuff around to make room.
"Risembool?" he sniffed.
Edward frowned, he hadn't actually even thought about that,
"No, I called Mustang about work…"
"Do you mean contract work or actual…military work." Alphonse sounded worried now.
Edward stopped what he was doing and put his hands on his hips, he was only wearing faded jeans and a gray T shirt but the chill in the air didn't bother him, he was too distracted,
"I'm never going to re-join the military Al, although as usual Mustang always manages to suggest it to me…" he smirked, "…contract work, he said I should come and see him tomorrow to look over what he has available." He finished.
Edward pushed the base of his bed into place where he wanted it against the wall while he listened to Al,
"Did he ask why you're in Central?"
Ed sat on the base, it was low but he didn't care as he leaned back on his hands, already feeling too lazy to set the bed up,
"No, but he will tomorrow probably and when he does I'll say…we're here for you to go to University and I want long term work, that's all."
"You know he's not stupid…"
Edward sighed,
"Yeah but it's partially true, as long as we don't act…weird…he won't think much of it."
"So I guess it's a bad idea if I come with then." Alphonse was speaking in monotone, sounding drained and even a little congested.
Edward hated it, it made him so unhappy to see Alphonse like that,
"I'd say if you don't feel up to it, don't come…but if you want to…" he left the suggestion open, not sure if he wanted Alphonse to come along, it was true Mustang was no idiot and just like Pinako, if given enough time, he'd figure out what was wrong or at least that something wasn't right.
But that was just part of the reason Edward didn't want him to come, another was that Alphonse didn't know Edward could no longer use alchemy, Mustang was the only person he'd told* …he hadn't been able to help telling just one person he felt he could trust…
…also Mustang had been forward enough to ask.
But true to his word, Mustang spoke of it to no one.
They wouldn't be able to discuss work prospects properly if Al was there, but still he'd let him decide.
"I'll see how I feel tomorrow." Al finally mumbled, running a hand through his untidy hair.
"Okay, sounds good."
"Okay…" Alphonse licked his dry lips and nodded, "…I'm gonna go back to bed, good night Ed…" he turned and walked away.
"Night, Al." Edward called after him and looked around the room when he heard Alphonse's door shut.
With a sigh he stood up and started opening boxes…he didn't think he'd be able to sleep any time soon anyway.
It was almost 1 am when Edward was standing under the steady stream of the hot shower, he was rubbing lathered soap over his shoulders and down his front, massaging the back of his neck trying to relieve some tension, washing away the day from his skin.
He let the water wash the suds away as he washed the rest of his body, when he was almost done showering Edward found himself thinking about the way Alphonse had looked at him on more than one occasion, how his eyes had specifically lingered at Ed's crotch each time.
He subconsciously glanced down at crotch and then leaned his head back so the water rushed over his face. Even Winry never looked at him in such a sexual way, no one he'd been with looked at him that way…he lowered his head and opened his eyes, staring at the gray blue tiles as the water ran over his head, flattening and darkening his long blonde hair.
The way Alphonse looked at him was unnerving…it was almost intimate the way he mentally undressed him.
He shook the thought off and ran his hand over his face to clear some water from his eyes.
He didn't want to think about why Alphonse looked at him like that, he could guess though. It just seemed so weird, Edward remembered so many times he'd been naked in front of Alphonse…surely he already knew what everything looked like…what difference was there now?
Was that why when he looked at him it was so intense…because he already knew everything beneath his clothes?
He shivered involuntarily when he realised it was probably that and also because now Alphonse didn't look at him naked and see his brother, he looked at him and saw…what he desired.
Edward did a full rinse a final time before switching the water off and then stepping out, grabbing the new towel he'd left on the rack for himself before showering and wrapping it around himself.
He looked over the mess of their combined toiletries scattered over the bathroom counter top and found his red toothbrush in a cup next to Alphonse's green one, he figured Alphonse had probably taken them out of the new packaging earlier when he was downstairs in the lobby.
He went about his bathroom routine numbly, playing over the last few days events in his head…right up until that afternoon when Alphonse had all but asked him to allow himself to be kissed on the mouth.
These thoughts went round and around in his head endlessly, exhausting him but not making him sleepy.
He made his way to his bedroom and pulled out a T shirt, boxers and loose cotton pants from his luggage, trying not to think about the fear that washed over him earlier, a replay of the previous afternoon, he couldn't really be considering allowing anything like that just to make Alphonse happy.
Even if it didn't necessarily bother him –although that was an odd way to put it – it was still just wrong…
He hated how the lines were blurring.
He sighed while he pulled his hair up into a damp ponytail and tied it off, walking down the short hall to the kitchen to get some water, he slowed his walk though when he passed Al's door and heard groans from inside.
Edward sighed and his chest hurt thinking that Alphonse was still crying, all that crying was just going to make him sick.
He stepped back and raised one hand to knock and another to the handle when he heard a noise come from his brother that was distinctly a moan…and not a groan…of course, that didn't mean it wasn't a pained moan, he couldn't really tell through the wooden door.
Edward was torn between checking on Al and just leaving him be for the night, when the groan came again, low and unhappy, Edward made two quick knocks,
"Alphonse, are you okay…?" he opened the door and only popped his head in.
It had been a bad idea.
Alphonse scrambled to gather himself against the wall at the top of his bed, he drew his legs up under the sheets and through his heavy uneven breathing Edward heard him swear.
He frowned,
"Did…I…startle you?" Edward ventured hopefully.
There was nothing immediately suspicious about the situation and besides that it was dark in the room save for the light coming from the window, Central was always lit up at night.
Edward reached for the light switch next to the door,
"Please don't switch the light on…" Al's voice came out breathy and strained.
Ed paused with his fingers on the switch and then lowered his hand,
"O-okay…were you having a nightmare?" he walked further into the room.
"Edward would you just go away…you're making it worse…" he half whined half whispered.
Edward stopped walking, feeling a little hurt but he was close enough to see then that Alphonse looked a little…dishellved.
He realised it might not have been a nightmare…but another kind of dream…or not even a dream…and he was making it worse.
He quickly looked over Alphonse, legs up, shoulders visible and tense but he could see no hands and Alphonse looked very uncomfortable as he took short quick breaths.
"Oh…oh you were…" Edward swallowed and his face coloured a pretty shade of red unnoticeable in the dark, "…I'm sorry Al, I didn't know."
Alphonse knocked his head back against the wall once,
"Please go Ed…" he whispered.
He didn't say anything, instead he just left the room quickly and closed the door quietly.
He stood in the hall outside the door for a minute before he realised he was shaking, he was shaking because he'd walked in on Alphonse masturbating and it was almost a guarantee he knew who Alphonse's was thinking about while he did it.
The heat didn't leave Edward's face as he rubbed his eyes with a cool hand, right then he heard sobs coming from inside the room, hurt and broken sobs.
Edward's insides clenched and he turned around to face the door, wanting to do everything at once but not even knowing where to start or what to do.
He placed his shaking hands against the closed door listening to the scared sobs of his brother, Edward did the only thing he could of,
"It's okay, Alphonse…" he said aloud and swallowed the lump in his throat.
The sobs quieted down but didn't stop completely so he tried again,
"It's okay…I'm not upset…" he pressed his forehead to the door, "…it's…okay." He said pointedly, 'Just stop crying…whatever makes you happy…' he thought then said quiet but audibly for his brother, "…if it makes you feel better…it's okay…"
The sobbing became very quiet now and Edward felt dread fill him at the permission he'd just given.
And true enough a few moments later he heard another quiet moan in between shaken breaths and his insides clenched painfully, he turned around and closed his eyes, letting his weakening legs bend until he was sitting on the floor with his back against the door…listening to the breathless, pleasured noises his brother made…while thinking of him.
He knew this was crossing a line…this was re-writing their relationship…this was going to consume both of them.
And Edward didn't know if he would be able to go against what Alphonse wanted…if it got any worse…
Because Edward just wanted Alphonse to be happy, he wanted him to stop crying and to see him smile…and it scared him that he knew deep down…if push came to shove…he would do anything to achieve that…
* At the end of the FMA manga Mustang is the only person who mentions knowing anything about Edward's sacrifice so I'm using that.
* This is my own made up thing, considering what Alchemists are capable of and creating and drawing in my opinion it stands to reason they'd be highly qualified in various fields.