Winners for last week's poll are up on the DeGrassi Saviors website and new character polls are up. This week it's Adam, Alli and Paige. Be sure and get your votes in the poll will stay up for one week.

Ch. 4 My Heart is Sold to Meloncholia

(DREW)

Adam and I run into the nursery and find chaos, shelves turned over, books and things tossed all over and in the middle of the chaos Clare lies motionless. We run to her and I turn her over thinking she hit her head or cut herself but I don't see any visible injuries.

"I think she just passed out, probably from that scream it took a lot of energy and she's barely eaten or slept at all," Adam says and I nod in agreement pulling Clare into my lap.

"Clare, Pretty Eyes wake up let me see those beautiful eyes I fell for," I insist shaking her gently.

She groans slightly and begins to move, her eyes flutter and she looks up at me. She holds hand to her head and closes her eyes again.

"I'm going to bring you something to eat, you're going to eat and then shower and then go to sleep in your bed," Adam asserts.

"No I'm not hungry and I already slept, I'm fine I'm not leaving this room. It was the scream, it made my head pound and I was throwing things because I was angry and I got dizzy and I passed out I just need a minute and maybe some water," Clare replies.

"No Clare you need food, you need a shower and you need to sleep in our bed Clare. You've slept in it only once since that night and that was because you fell asleep crying," I remind her.

"I'm not leaving this room and I'm not hungry, will you both go away? I told you I'm f…"

"But you aren't fine Clare, you lost your son and no one expects you to be fine. However you do need to eat, you need to relax in a shower and get some sleep in your own bed. You can't stay in this room forever, Ezra is not in this room Clare and staying in it every minute is not going to bring him back. Now you're going to eat and take a shower and sleep in your bed or I'm going to check you into the hospital so you can really get some rest and nutrition. You know I love you and I'm saying this because I love you but you look like hell and they would check you in immediately and keep you for several days. If you eat and shower and sleep in your bed then you can come back to Ezra's room again but you need to take a break Clare and you need some rest," Adam tells her in a firm voice.

Clare sighs and looks up at me, all I can do is look back down at her with pain and sorrow filled eyes. Clare closes her eyes and bites her lip before making a sigh.

"Okay," she gives in. Adam nods and stands up, he goes downstairs to make her food and Clare sits up a little puts her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry I destroyed the room," Clare apologizes in a very meek voice.

"It's not destroyed there's just a little mess," I reply.

"I'm angry I'm so angry he's gone and the doctors just let him die," Clare says before sobbing again.

I just hold her close and stroke her hair; I know there's nothing I can say to make her feel better. I need to be strong for her; it's all I can do to be strong for her. Adam returns with a little plate of fruit, crackers and cheese.

"You should eat in the bedroom, we'll clean up in here," I say before he hands Clare the plate. Clare picks her head up and wipes her tears, takes a shuddering breath and moves so that she can stand up. She puts her hand on the floor to steady herself and I stand up. Clare starts to stand, she gets about half way up and then wobbles almost falling to the floor again but I catch her. Picking her up I carry her into our bedroom and set her on the bed. "Eat as much as you can, I know you don't feel hungry but your body needs it Clare," I assert but I'm also begging.

Clare takes the plate and a bite of apple and I kiss her cheek then Adam and I go back to the nursery. We clean up the mess, it's mostly just tossed books and toys and one toppled bookshelf. It doesn't take too long for us to clean it up and then I go back to the bedroom and check on Clare. She's eaten everything on the plate, now she's just looking at it and turning the plate around slowly. We've lost our son and now I think my wife is losing her mind. I'm not sure I'm that far behind her, or maybe I've already lost my mind and that's why I can go back to work.

"I'll start a shower for you," I speak softly and Clare looks up at me. She doesn't say anything or even move just looks at me. I walk to our washroom and turn on the shower, adjust the water then pull my wife up by the hand and into the washroom.

"It might not be a bad idea to check her into the hospital anyway," Adam comments when Clare closes the washroom door.

"No she doesn't need a hospital she just needs time, we lost our son and I can't even describe to you how much that hurts."

"I know Drew I'm not trying to diminish that but you see her she's barely surviving. She's not eating, she sleeps out of exhaustion she doesn't do anything unless one of us commands her to. She's drowning in her grief Drew maybe a doct…"

"NO no more doctors, Clare would never go to the hospital after what happened. She'll be okay, Clare is strong she just needs time okay. I know my wife she just needs time, I'm going back to work Monday maybe that will bring her back. I didn't want to go back to work until they called and her boss came by on the worst possible day she just needs time."

"Okay we'll give her the weekend, see what happens Monday maybe you going back to work will motivate her even a little," Adam says and I nod. "I'll go downstairs see what you guys need for food, do a little clean up you should probably go in and check on her."

"Thanks Adam, I don't know how we could have gotten through this without you and Paige and the others. Things like eating, cleaning, shopping they just all seem so…meaningless now."

"If it were any of us you and Clare would be doing the same, it's what families do. Get in there though I can hear her crying over the water," Adam tells me and now I hear it too.

I turn and open the washroom door again, through the fogged glass of the shower door I see Clare sitting on the bottom of the tub. Her arms wrapped around her legs and her head down on her knees as she sobs. I slide the door back a little and try to pull her up but she pushes me away.

"Clare you need to shower the water's going to turn cold soon," I say in a calm voice.

"I'm not crazy," she replies.

"No one said you were crazy."

"Adam wants me to check into the hospital."

"No Adam's just worried th…"

"That what? I'm not over the death of my child? Tell me Drew just what is a sufficient amount of time to get over something like that because ten days is not enough."

"No one expects you to be over it Clare we just don't want to lose you to it. Ezra's death was devastating to me too, I'm not over it yet but if we keep going like this we'll end up killing ourselves or being so held back by our depression that we can't do anything else. I lost my son and now I'm watching my wife be defeated by her depression."

"Well I don't know what you want me to do, one minute you say I don't need to be over it yet and the next you're telling me I can't be like this anymore."

"You can still be sad about Ezra but you need to function Clare, go to work a…"

"I'm not ready."

"I didn't mean today or Monday even but you can't be like this anymore."

"I don't know how you can go back Drew; I don't know how you can be over it all so soon. A week ago you nearly broke your hand punching the wall out of anger for losing Ezra and now you're ready to go back to work, back to life? I don't understand how people can move on like nothing happened."

"We're not Clare, I don't want to go back to work, no one is moving on with their life like nothing happened. If I don't go back to work we're going to be evicted and you can barely leave Ezra's room if we got evicted and couldn't go back in that room you'd really snap."

"But how can you be so okay with it? How can you just decide just like that to go back to work?"

"I'm not just okay with it Clare, I don't want to go back but it will keep me busy, maybe it will help, maybe it will make it worse I don't know but at least I'm trying."

"You think I'm not trying? I carried Ezra in me, I felt him, I breast fed him and I watched him get sick and I held him when he had a fever, now he's just gone. I'm trying, I try every day but my child is gone and the only other person in the world that felt my pain and hurt as much as I did is suddenly better and able to go to work."

"I'm not suddenly b…"

"Just go Drew," Clare cuts me off.

"Clare…"

"Just go please, I'll wash my hair and sleep in the bed like I said but I want to be alone," Clare insists.

I don't want to fight with her anymore so I leave the room, when I go downstairs I see a note from Adam that he'll be back in a couple of hours with Paige and they'll make dinner. Despite having slept all afternoon I feel exhausted again, like I haven't slept in days and I go upstairs again. I don't even think about going in the room and getting in the bed I go into the nursery automatically, lie down in the nest of stuffed animals and baby blankets and fall asleep there. I sleep for a couple of hours waking up when I hear Adam and Paige coming in the front door. I get up and stretch, my muscles ache, my back is stiff, I feel heavy. I've felt heavy ever since we rushed to the hospital that night, I think it's the sadness and maybe some guilt, weighing down on me. I feel it all around me, all through the house, this cloud of sadness and depression, this fog of loss and pain and I don't know that it will ever leave. I wonder though if it's in the house or around me and Clare.

I can still smell Ezra in this room but it gets fainter every day. I don't want that smell to leave, it's a piece of Ezra, one of the few pieces we have left and I don't want it to go. I pause in the doorway looking back at the room, for a brief second a memory flashes in my mind. A memory so fresh and vivid I see it before my eyes as if it were happening right now. Clare picks Ezra up from his changing table, holding him to her chest with one hand and his little head looks over her shoulder. He sees me coming in just home from work and my son's eyes lock with mine and then he smiles at me. As fast as it came the memory fades, just a ghost of a happier time. I lean my head against the door frame a second, closing my eyes ordering myself to hold it together, not just break down because one of us needs to be semi-functional and it sure as hell isn't going to be Clare. I peek into the bedroom for a second and see that she's still sleeping, she looks rather peaceful, it is probably the most peaceful sleep she's had in a long time so I shut the door and leave her to sleep.

"Dinner will be ready in a minute," Paige tells me when I come downstairs.

"Thanks, Clare is sleeping we should let her sleep."

"Adam said you were going back to work that's good," Paige comments.

"Yeah," I nod as I sit at the table, "yeah I hope so."

(CLARE)

I hear the front door close and I know Drew has gone to work, I don't know how he can go today. It's Monday it's only been ten days since we lost Ezra and yet Drew went back to work today like it was any other day. I still don't know how he can stand to go, I couldn't be teaching other people's children all day without thinking of Ezra. I can't even look at other people's kids, not that I've been out of the house much to see other people or their children.

I get up from the floor and sit in the rocking chair, I look at the room and slowly start rocking. There are times when I can still feel him in my arms. So often as I'm in this room and in that half-dream state just between asleep awake I can feel Ezra in my arms, feel his heart beating against my chest, and inhale his new baby smell into my lungs. Then my eyes open and I see blue walls and a crib, I can still smell him faintly but I know he's gone and the whole world seems dark and cruel.

That's what I feel now, rocking gently in the chair and staring at this room. A room full of baby things never used or hardly used. A dresser full of baby clothes he never wore, a book of baby's firsts that will never be filled. Despite the sun coming through the curtains and the cheery sky blue paint on the walls this room seems eternally dark now. Clouded by sadness and agony over losing the someone I loved more than anyone. In the back of my mind in the very deepest part of me I know it's mostly my doing, I've made the room dark and filled it with melancholy. I know I'm trapped by the loss of Ezra, I do know it but I don't seem to care.

All I can think about is Ezra, what memories I have of him run over my mind and make me sad, remembering him makes me miss him all the more and even more sad. I see him everywhere in this house and it hurts but I can't bear to leave it. I want my son again, I want to hold him, to rock him and feed him. I want to be with my son but I know I can't and that hurts more than anything, it's a pain that's so bad is crippling.

"Clare," Adam's voice says from the doroway and I look over to him. "It's lunch time I'll make you something," Adam tells me and I nod. I'm not hungry but I know if I tell him that he'll argue with me, beg me to eat and I'll give in. Anyway when I do eat I usually feel hungry once I start. "Here you need to eat, as much as you can," Adam says handing me the plate. I start nibbling at the food and Adam watches me for a minute. "Clare I think maybe you should talk to someone."

"I'm not crazy Adam."

"That's not what I meant, like a grief counselor someone that can help you deal with the grief."

"I'm not going to a therapist, what good would that possibly do? They'll tell me to get on with my life, tell me that Ezra is gone and there's nothing I can do about it. They'll tell me to move on but I don't want to move on, I don't want to forget him Adam."

"We don't want you to forget him either, no one will forget Ezra, moving on does not mean forgetting. I'm worried about you, we all are Clare, we don't expect you to suddenly be happy if my child died the devastation would be overwhelming. But it's not just overwhelming it's destroying you Clare it's slowly killing you. If you can't go back to work yet that's okay, if you can't leave the house yet that's okay but do something Clare, something besides sitting in this room and staring at the walls and lost in your memories. Maybe you could write, not for work, not if you're not ready but something about Ezra or for Ezra, something that will help you move through this. You don't have to put it behind you, you don't have to move on and forget but at least do something Clare. Please or we're going to lose you too."

I set my slice of apple down and look at the plate, biting my lip and listening to what Adam said. I know this is bad for me, I know I can't stay like this and yet the thought of doing…anything really seems so laborious. Just opening my eyes in the morning, just living without my son seems impossible. How can there be life when Ezra is dead?

"I'll think about it, you can go back to work I'll be okay," I assure Adam.

"Are you sure? I can stay they can get someone to cover for me," Adam offers.

"No you need to work; I just want to be here. I just can't leave yet, I want to be here. Ezra is here, I know he's not actually here but I feel closer to him when I'm in here, we spent so much time in this room, rocking him in this chair, I can pretend like he's still here, I can smell him a…you think I'm crazy don't you?"

"No Clare I don't think you're crazy, you're hurting you lost your son and you want to be close to him. I think for someone that suffered a loss like yours it's normal. Call me at the station or call Paige if you need anything. Jenna will swing by in a couple hours and then Drew should be home around four. Paige and I will bring dinner at five but we'll be here before then if you need us."

"I'm okay go to work I'll finish eating."

Adam hugs me and leaves the room and a moment later I hear him leaving the house. I eat the rest of the food, slowly nibbling on it until it's gone. At first I think about what Adam said but I know I don't want to talk to someone. Then I think about writing, writing always did help me and maybe it would help me again and yet even thinking about what to write or how to start is too painful a thought. And then I start to become angry, extremely angry, at everything, at nothing just angry. My fists clench, I dig my nails into my palm I feel like screaming or breaking something and just as I take in a breath to scream I hear Jenna calling me and I let out a breath.

"Clare, it's me I used the spare key," she calls and a moment later appears in the doorway.

"What time is it?" I ask her.

"A little after two," she tells me.

"Oh," I reply and Jenna takes the empty plate from my lap.

"Do you need anything?"

"No," I shake my head.

"Okay I'll head back to work then I guess, Drew will be home soon right?"

"Yeah," I nod.

Jenna looks like she's searching for something to say and then she hugs me with a sympathetic look before leaving. When she's gone I go back to slowly rocking in the chair.

(DREW)

"You're actually going?"

"I'm not fighting about this again Clare, we've been fighting about it all weekend. I have to go to work, I have to at least try because if I can't teach kindergarten I have to find another job. I told them it was a trial basis, I told them I might not be able to do it. I'll be back by four and Adam will swing by probably Jenna too," I tell Clare as I stand in the doorway to Ezra's room dressed for my first day back at work.

"I don't need to be checked on," she replies.

"Well someone needs to make sure you're eating, moving, doing anything."

"Just go to work, go be with kids that aren't yours. Leave me to mourn for our son alone."

"Clare that isn't fair."

"Fair?! What the hell in this world is fair anymore Drew? Our son was taken from us for no reason at all. There is no such thing as fair, get out just leave me," Clare demands still laying on the floor in the nest of stuffed animals and baby blankets. She turns away from me and I turn around with a sigh.

I go downstairs, grab my bag and get in the car driving to the school. It feels like a million years since I've been here. Last time I was here I was so happy, last time I was here I was a father and my wife wasn't steeped in sorrow and despair and slowly going mad. I park my car and walk through the school, a few teachers are in here and when they see me they just sort of freeze and give me a sympathetic look or smile.

"Drew we're glad you're here how are you?" Alexia asks giving me a tight hug.

"I'm…I don't really know actually," I reply.

"Well the subs notes are on your desk," she tells me and I nod.

I go to my classroom and look around, the room is brightly painted, the kid's artwork and assignments are up on the walls. An alphabet banner over the blackboard and other posters are on the walls, pictures of me and the kids throughout the year and the only thing I can think about is what Ezra would be like at this age. I can almost picture him; almost see him at five years old going to his first day of school, I can almost see it but then it fades. I feel this overwhelming wave of grief and I put my elbows on the desk letting my head fall to my hands. I start to cry, weep over all the time Ezra never had, all the things he'll never do. When I hear the kids in the playground I force myself to stop, I know the kids will be in soon.

I read the subs notes and figure out what I'm going to teach today. When the kids come in most of them hug me and welcome me back. The kindergartners start later and get out earlier than the other grades because they can only be good for so long before they get restless. It's worst in the winter and when there's storms because they can't go outside to play.

I make it through the day but it isn't easy, I keep closing my eyes, pausing mid-sentence and forgetting what I'm teaching when I think about Ezra. More than once one of the kids had to call my name to get my attention but I make it through. All the kids leave and then I'm there for about an hour prepping for tomorrow before I go home.

"Clare I'm home," I call into the house but get no answer, not that I was expecting one. I know where she'll be and I walk upstairs, indeed finding her in Ezra's room but she's moved to the rocking chair. She's asleep with his baby book in her lap; I go over kneeling in front of her and taking her hands. "Clare wake up."

"Well you made it through work I guess," she comments.

"Yes but not easily, I thought about Ezra all day and it was paralyzing, it was really hard to be around the kids and not think about Ezra. There's only six weeks left though I think I can get through it. I have to try, it was good to get out I think, hard as it was it helped in a way. Did you eat?"

"Adam was here he made me lunch," she replies.

"They'll be back to make us dinner I think."

"Adam said he would be."

"I'm going to shower are you going to be okay?" I ask and she nods.

I leave her in the nursery and go into the bedroom and our washroom. I start the shower and get in; I start washing and then get washed over by another wave of sadness. Leaning a hand on the shower wall I put my head down, crying hard, my tears washed away by the water. I wonder if this pain and sorrow will ever stop, I was able to function today, well relatively function but it occurs to me that I didn't eat anything all day. At least I was able to put on a mask of keeping it together, function enough that I could teach and keep myself from breaking down around my class. It was a huge feat considering the last ten days but the pain and grief and misery have not lessened at all.

I get out of the shower and dry off, changing into a t-shirt and sweats I go back to nursery and Clare sits there rocking in the chair and staring at the baby book. I take a few steps in and she looks over at me, she's crying again I take her hands. She closes the baby book and sinks down into my lap, I hold her close and we cry together. I hear Adam and Paige come in but we can't move just huddle there and cry. I hear one of them come up and look into the room but they leave after a few seconds. We stay like that a while before Adam comes up and tells us that dinner is ready.

"We need to eat," I tell Clare wiping some tears from her face. She doesn't say anything but I get her downstairs and she sits at the table. In spite of not eating all day I barely eat anything but at least Clare eats a fair amount of food. I tell Adam and Paige about work and they both tell me it was good that I went. "Thanks for dinner again, you guys don't have to keep doing this," I tell my brother when dinner is done.

"Don't be silly we're happy to, I'd be cooking for us at home anyway. Besides we feel better checking on you," Paige replies.

"We do appreciate it, you know we wouldn't eat if you guys didn't come," Clare says.

"Did you think about what I said earlier?" Adam asks Clare.

"I'm going to lie down," is her reply, "thanks for dinner it was great."

"We'll clean up you go with her," Adam says to me. I thank them for dinner and follow my wife upstairs.

"What did you and Adam talk about?" I question Clare as she sits in the rocking chair again.

"He thinks I should write again, not for work that I should write about Ezra's death."

"You don't think it would be good for you? Therapeutic?"

"I think I don't want to think about his death. I don't want to remember him that way. I don't want to think about the fact that he died for no reason and I sure as hell don't want to write about it. I want someone to tell me why he died. I want my son back. I want the world to make sense again. I want to know why the doctors didn't do anything; I want to know why they kept telling us he had a cold or the flu and sending us home. I want to know why no one did fucking anything and let our son die! There must have been something; they didn't even know why he was sick. They let him die, they just let him die. I told you we should have gone to more hospitals, I told you it was serious that we needed a specialist. You let him die!"

"Excuse me?!"

"Get out, just get out, leave me alone," Clare hisses and then curls up with her knees on the chair and begins crying.

I leave the room going to our bedroom, trying to tell myself she didn't mean it but I think she did. She's actually blaming me, at least partially, for Ezra's death. I can hear her sobbing in the next room and I can't take the sound of it right now. I grab my keys and my wallet and run downstairs.

"Drew where are you going?" Adam calls to me.

"I need to get out; I'm going for a drive. If Clare even cares tell her not to wait up."

The next update will pick up from around here. Unfortunately the next update isn't until Tuesday July 21st. June 1st begins short story month and then there are 8 days of Clowen shots and then I have a friend visiting. For the full May-July calendars check the DeGrassi Saviors website and my page.