The story continues! Sorry for the delays, my motivation is in a fickle place right now. Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this one.
The next morning we just get up like we always do and take up training. I can assemble a gun without a problem now, and both our stamina is better, so the trainings aren't such a hardship anymore. Instead, the trial during training appears to lie in something entirely different. I stick close to Katniss, but she distracts me, much more than before. Before, I could center myself by reminding myself that she didn't really care about me. Now, I don't know what to think of her. Of us. But we don't talk about it, and I try my hardest to keep my ears open for orders, and my eyes open for obstacles in the obstacle course, while not looking at the straining muscles of my sweaty training partner. It's a whole new kind of torture.
At the end of the day, we move to our compartment and she plunks down heavily into a chair. She groans with fatigue as she chucks off her shoes, and I can't help a small smirk as I take off my own shoes. She sniffs. "Okay, I'm going to take a shower," she says, picking up a towel. Just as she opens the door to head into the bathroom, she leans back in. "Feel free to join me." There's a mischievous glint in her eyes, and I think I might just melt.
I don't join her that day. It would be too much, too soon. I just wash myself as I usually do. When Katniss returns, I try not to look at her too much, but I can tell she's a little put out that I didn't take her up on the offer. I roll my eyes at her. Seriously, she couldn't really expect me to face that horror again, after yesterday. But then, yesterday was more than just the shower. Annoyed with her because she's so insufferable, and annoyed with myself for more things than I can name all at once, I throw a towel at her.
"Hey," I say, and she looks up. "If you stop being so insufferable, I promise I'll try a shower once a week, okay?"
Her response is a genuinely happy smile, and it does things to my stomach.
I roll my eyes. "Don't get smug, Mockingjay."
Her eyes crinkle, but the smile is still there. "Wouldn't dream of it."
When we lay in bed together that night, Katniss speaks up for the first time. "You know, I do have a name."
"What?" I look at her in confusion. I'm curling into her side, and she's softly caressing my still short hair.
She shrugs. "It's just... You always call me 'brainless'. 'Mockingjay,' if I'm lucky. But I do have a name, you know."
She smirks at me to say she's just kidding, but I sense a deeper seriousness. I lift myself a little so I can look at her. "Katniss," I say.
And there it is again. That wide and happy smile. "See? That wasn't so hard, was it?" She cocks her head as she continues toying with my spiky hair. "Johanna."
Hearing her say my name—my full name—almost makes me squirm, and I hate it. I hate she can do this to me, so I do what I always do. I roll my eyes and lie back down. "Whatever," I say. "Let's just get some sleep."
But she lifts up my chin, so I have to look at her again. "No," she says. "I want you to say it again."
"Say what?" I say, feigning irritation, but my nerves tell me she's back in that strangely intense space that she was in yesterday evening.
"Say my name," she whispers, and then she drags my chin towards her and we're kissing, and I don't have it in me to resist, because she feels just so damn good. And when she touches me, I say her name, over and over again. Katniss, Katniss, Katniss.
We don't talk about this much, either. It's a new level of intimacy, but I keep telling myself this doesn't mean anything, either. First we held each other, and now we fuck. It's good, but it's just a comfort thing. We're just using each other to ward off the badness, I tell myself. No more, no less. During the day, we train together, and have lunch together. Once a week, Katniss takes me to the shower. It's still tough, and I'm still shaking like a leaf when she takes me, but she stays with me the entire time, and we always have sex afterwards, which certainly helps to motivate me. But sometimes Katniss is called up to command for her Mockingjay duties, and she still goes out with Gale for hunting trips. I try not to get jealous about it. Someday soon, this war is going to end, and either Peeta is going to get better, or if he doesn't she'll probably end up with Gale. She's straight, I tell myself. Soon she'll realize I'm not what she wants, and she'll drop me. I can't care about her. Everyone I care about leaves.
The one other great thing about being discharged, though, is that I get to see Finnick again. I don't care much for the other people here in 13, but I've always liked Finnick, and now Annie's safe and sound back at his side, he looks truly transformed. I am really happy for him. And even though Annie takes up a lot of his time, he always makes some time for me too now, either at lunch, or after a day of training. It's nice. But what with the wedding preparations, I hadn't counted on him being so observant. When Katniss leaves with Gale to go hunting after lunch, therefore, I'm completely caught off guard as he asks me how Katniss is.
"What do you mean?" I say, trying for a puzzled smile. "You just had lunch with her, you could've asked her that. I don't know where she is with her head these days."
Finnick gives me an infuriatingly knowing smile as he leans his chin in his hand. "Oh, I have an idea where her head is these days. I think you do too."
Something in his tone tells me he's not talking about the rebellion. My cheeks burn red and I grit my teeth, looking down at the remains of my lunch. They've been assigning me bigger portions than most of 13, since I need to gain weight. It seems to be working.
"It looks good on you, you know," he says, and I look up abruptly.
"What do you mean?" I say, whiny now because he's obviously figured it out. And if he did, then how many others have? My face burns brighter. I decide to direct all my annoyance at Finnick, though, of course, I'm only annoyed with myself.
"Oh, you know, the whole glowing thing," he says, gesturing vaguely at his face. He smirks. "Really bring out your eyes."
I glare at him. "Jerk."
"Wow. Not one of your more brilliant insults, Jo. Need to work on that."
"Fuck you."
"You know, I would, but I think you've found someone to do the job already." He lowers his voice to a whisper. "And she seems to be doing a good job, too."
I feel my cheeks heating up again, but this time I can't stop a smile from spreading, too. Katniss Everdeen is great in bed, and I'm the only one who knows it. The thought, however pleasant, stops me short, and I look up at Finnick, unsettled.
"Why?" I ask him, my voice low. "Why do you think she's doing it?"
Finnick frowns bemusedly. "Well, I don't know, but I'm guessing it must be because she likes you."
"No she doesn't," I say, prodding a chunk of meat with my fork. "It's just a comfort thing."
"O-kay. You just basically answered your own question, but I'm going to ignore that. How do you know?"
"Well, what else could it be?" I say, stabbing the chunk. Finnick frowns, and he pries the fork from my fingers. I groan and drop my head on the table with a thunk. I drag my hands through my hair, and they land in my neck. I lift my head again, and fix my eyes somewhere on Finnick's chest. "I feel like such a cliché," I say. "Half the country's in love with her, for God's sakes. She's got her fake cousin, and I'm sure she'll run back to Lover Boy if he ever gets better..."
"Johanna..." Finnick says, and I resent the pity in his voice.
"No, Finnick, I can't do this again," I say, and my voice is shaking. He says nothing for a while, and I lift my head further to look at his face. Apparently eye contact was what he was looking for, because when our eyes meet, he speaks.
"If you don't want to do it again, Johanna, then don't."
"So what do I do, turn her down?" I say, almost aggressively. I have to remind myself that people might be listening to our conversation.
"No," Finnick says. He shrugs. "You just make sure she stays."
I blink at him blankly, and for a moment I can't grasp what he just said. Then I frown, and shake my head at his absurdity. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means, Johanna, that you don't let her leave."
"But... How wouldn't I?" I say, perplexed.
"Johanna..." Finnick says, and he almost laughs. He shakes his head. "You always do this. You think in advance that it's a lost cause. Why?"
"Uhh, I don't know, because she's straight?"
"Sure. And do straight girls routinely put their heads between your legs?"
"Finnick!" I whisper angrily, though I can't stop the color from rising in my face.
He chuckles. "I just mean, Johanna, that maybe you should consider that she's allowing you to do what neither Gale nor Peeta have ever done with her. And why would she do that if she didn't at least like you?"
"I told you," I snap. "It's a comfort thing."
"Hmm. Have you talked about that with her?"
"No," I say. "Of course not. Do you think I'm stupid?"
"Yes, actually, I do think you're stupid."
"Ugh. Cut the crap, Finnick. It's not because you and Annie get your happily-ever-after that everyone else will have theirs, too. Katniss..." I sigh, suddenly miserable. "Katniss is straight. There's nothing lasting there."
"You don't know that."
"So what should I do then?" I say, half kidding.
"Maybe nothing yet," Finnick says. "Just... Don't give up on her before you're absolutely sure that you don't have a shot."
"I don't have a shot," I shoot back.
"Why?" Finnick asks, and I'm surprised to hear that there's an edge of anger in his voice. "Johanna, why is it your standard assumption that you're always going to be second? That you're not even a contender here?"
"Contender?" I say, snorting. "Can you hear yourself right now? It's..." I shrug. "It's futile. Gale's her best friend since childhood and Peeta... He saved her life so many times."
Finnick raises his eyebrows. "Didn't you?"
"That was different," I say, "I was doing it for the rebellion. Besides," I add, rolling my eyes. "I don't think I'll score great points by digging my knife into her arm."
"To save her!" Finnick says, looking at me like I'm not making any sense. "And it was you who held onto her when the cornucopia started spinning. If it hadn't been for you, she'd probably have drowned. And you killed Cashmere when she was about to attack Katniss. In fact," he says, narrowing his eyes, "I'm pretty sure that whenever Katniss needed saving in the arena during the Quarter Quell, it was you who did it."
"I couldn't save her from the jabberjays," I say moodily. I don't want to admit Finnick is right, but as I rack my memory, I can't immediately find any evidence to the contrary. Ever since we teamed up with them in the Quarter Quell, it was me who was there with Katniss whenever she was in danger. The jabberjays, though...
"The jabberjays weren't lethal," Finnick says, grimacing. "They were nasty, but they weren't meant to kill us."
"Still, I wasn't there."
"Whenever she was in mortal danger, Johanna," Finnick says, and it's clear he's getting impatient with me. "At the cornucopia, and then when you cut out her tracker and led off the Careers." He lifts his eyebrows as if I can't possibly argue with him. "It was you, Johanna. Not me, not Peeta. It was you. If she's not as brainless as you appear to think she is, she won't have forgotten that."
That idea just makes me more disgusted. "So she's here with me because she feels like she owes me?"
Finnick throws up his hands. "No, Johanna!" he hisses. "In fact, I think that's exactly what it isn't. I just said it to prove that you don't have to consider yourself any less important to Katniss than Peeta, or Gale, or whomever else."
I want to yell at him. Instead, I lay my head back on the table. "So if it's not because she feels like she owes me, then what is it?"
A grin slides over Finnick's lips. "I think you ought to ask her that."
I groan. "You're useless."
Finnick chuckles. "You'll thank me one day. Anyway." He gets up from the table. "I need to get back to training. And you need to finish your food."
"Fuck you."
"I think we've already established that you don't need assistance with that."
I glare at him, and he chuckles again, patting me on the back before he leaves. I eat the rest of my food quickly before I join him. Katniss isn't there, because she's out hunting, but thanks to Finnick I go anyway. I'm annoyed with him, and annoyed with myself, and I'm sulky all through the afternoon, but I'm grateful he's there. He's my best friend, after all.