"So guys, what special infected do you think you'd turn into?" Kelly asked.
"Now's not the time Kelly." Joe replied. The four survivors and Ted continued walking through the streets of L.A. as the sun rose; stopping every few seconds to kill the occasional zombie.
"I'm just trying to make some conversation…" Kelly whined.
Joe shook his head and said, "We're all alone, surrounded by zombies. I think we should be focused on other things than what zombie we would…"
"I'd totally be a Tank." Fred cut in.
"Doubt it fat-ass. You'd definitely be a Boomer. I think to become a Tank you need to do more than sit on your ass and eat Cheetos," Kelly said.
"Maybe Tanks like Cheetos," Fred said.
"Doubt it," Kelly said. She paused for a minute and looked at Fred before she said, "You know, I change my mind. You'd make a fantastic Charger," Fred smiled and stood triumphantly.
"Well, I am pretty strong." Fred said as he flexed his muscles. Kelly made sure that Fred wasn't looking, then turned around and looked at Chris, who was walking behind her. She clenched her right hand into a first and started shaking it up and down, mouthing the word "wanker" to Chris, Chris laughed.
"I think you'd be a Smoker, Chris. You're a pretty tall guy, and you've even got the same jacket," Kelly said.
"I don't smoke," Chris said.
"Neither did Ted," Fred said.
"Well Ted already had the freakishly long tongue." Chris argued.
"How many of those things have we killed, like 200? Do you think all of those poor bastards had tongues like Ted?" Fred asked.
"So nobody's asked me what infected I think I'd be," Kelly said. Chris decided to humor her.
"Gee Kelly, what zombie do you think you would be?" Chris said in a monotone voice.
"Why thanks for asking Chris! I'd definitely be a Hunter." Kelly said gleefully. Fred got a confused look on his face.
"All Hunters are male. So unless there's something you're hiding, I see you more as a Spitter." Fred said.
"Oh please, I'm too beautiful to be a Spitter. Besides, who says that all Hunters are male? Have you seen their cocks? Have you Fred? Are you gay? Are you gay for zombies?" Kelly said.
"No, I'm not. But I'd love to hear your reasoning behind you becoming a Hunter." Fred said while wearing his hat that is red.
"Well, the Hunter is a pretty cool guy, and I'm a pretty cool girl, he's wearing a hoodie, and I'm wearing a hoodie, the Hunter wants to pounce on top of Chris and rip his nipples off, and I'm about to pounce on top of Chris and rip his nipples off."
Kelly turned around and leaped into the air and on top of Chris, she knocked him to the ground and kept him pinned. She smiled and said, "I are teh Hunter. Watch meh pownce."
"'K Romeo and Juliet, get up, we need to keep moving," Joe said.
"Sir yes sir!" Kelly replied. She got off of Chris and extended her hand out to him to help him up, Chris was about to grab it when Kelly turned her head and saw a rotting corpse holding a katana.
"HOLY SHIT NINJA SWORD!" Kelly yelled as she ran over to it. She tried to pry the sword out of its hand, but it wouldn't let go. She pulled on his wrist to try and get it out and accidently pulled his hand off with the sword. She continued to try and pry it off until the rotting hand finally fell to the ground.
"See Chris, I told you I'd be a ninja one day! That day has come!" Kelly said triumphantly.
"Outstanding. I feel so much safer now," Joe said as he sighed and shook his head, "Fred, do you know where we're going?"
"Yeah, this way, to the left," The rest of the team started walking that direction while Fred stopped and thought to himself. Joe noticed Fred wasn't following them and turned around. Fred said, "Actually, I think it's this way."
"You sure?" Joe asked. "You know, we need to get to CEDA's evac station in case this doesn't work."
"Positive." Fred replied as he walked in the opposite direction of the team. The other four started following him. They walked down the street, clearing out all of the zombies around them before Fred went into a tall skyscraper.
"Where is he going?" Joe said.
"Should we follow him?" Chris asked.
"No! Let him get pounced or charged or smoked or jockey'd or whatever," Kelly said.
"Sorry Kelly, but he's the only one that knows how to get to the stadium. We better go get him." Joe said as the other two humans and Ted the Smoker followed him inside. They saw Fred enter an elevator, and they ran to get inside before the door shut.
"Alright, you guys are coming too!" Fred said gleefully.
"Where are we going?" Joe asked.
"To meet Foo Quizzy Q! He's at the top floor of this hotel, Room 909. Don't ask me how I know that." Fred said.
"What about the stadium? What about rescue?" Joe yelled.
"We'll go there next, but maybe Quizzy can fly us out of here in his private helicopter!" Fred said. Joe slapped as forehead as the elevator reached the top. The doors opened and Joe, Chris, and Kelly walked out of the elevator. Smoker Ted started to follow them, but Joe directed him back into the elevator.
"Maybe you should stay here Ted, I don't think this Foo Quizzy Q guy would take too kindly to Smokers." Joe said. Ted smiled stupidly, nodded, and walked back into the elevator. Joe saw Fred still in the elevator unzipping his supply bag.
"You coming Fred? This was your horrible idea after all." Joe said.
"You guys go ahead, I have to get ready. I had all this stuff ready for Q-Fest before the infection hit." Fred said.
"Q-Fest? I… never mind. Chris, Kelly, let's go." Joe said. The three walked down the hall, looking for room 909, when they found it, they saw the door was slightly cracked open. Joe opened it completely and walked inside. When Chris walked in and saw, to his surprise, that Foo Quizzy Q was sitting on his bed. He had to try hard to not laugh. Quizzy looked like he was about 100 years old, he had the most wrinkled skin Chris had ever seen, and he was round. Like, REALLY round. Like 600 pounds round. His teeth were either yellow or rotting, and the icing on the cake was the ridiculous, gray, cube shaped hair.
"Who you foos?" Quizzy said.
"Are you Foo Quizzy Q?" Joe asked. Kelly stood behind Chris, biting her lip. Chris noticed.
"Don't you dare say anything," Chris whispered.
"Yeah, das me. Whaddya want?" Quizzy asked.
"We were wondering if you could somehow get us a ride out of here." Joe said. Foo Quizzy Q rubbed his chin in thought.
"You foos here for Q-Fest?" Quizzy said. Kelly opened her mouth to say something, but Chris elbowed her in the side to shut her up.
"You want a ride out of this city or not?" Chris whispered to her.
"Absolutely! We love your songs!" Joe exclaimed.
"What's yo fav?" Quizzy asked.
"Oh… that's hard… there are so many great ones…" Joe stammered.
"Straight Down Her Cerebral Column!" Chris yelled.
"Damn, you got some fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine taste son. Awright, Imma let you guys on my choppa. Let me call my choppa pilot and ask if he's got room for three mo" Quizzy said as he pulled out his phone.
"Thank you gramps!" Chris thought as Quizzy started dialing his phone.
"Shit, fucking phones, how do they work?" Quizzy said. At that moment Fred ran into the room wearing a monocle, a duck bill, and a top hat.
"Foo Quizzy Q! I… OH MY GOD! YOU'RE OLD!" Fred screamed. Joe's face turned bright red and Chris slapped his forehead.
"Das right foo. I must say I like yo style a whole lot." Quizzy replied.
"But that 'How to Become a Rapper Video…?'" Fred said, Quizzy laughed.
"Foo, I made that vid back in the '40s… man that takes me back." Quizzy started laughing more, but his laughter soon turned into coughing. He then started clutching his chest and dropped to the ground; he started rolling around and coughed more. He grew disgusting boils on his face and started making disgusting sounds, as if he was about to throw up.
"He's infected! Don't worry guys, I got this!" Kelly yelled as she ran over to him, brandishing her katana.
"Kelly, wait! I think he's a…" Joe started. But it was too late; Kelly had already swiftly brought her sword to Quizzy's plump body. Quizzy bloodily exploded and knocked everyone backwards, covering them in a disgusting slime."
"Boomer." Joe finished, as he started wiping the puke out of his eyes. They listened as they heard knocking on doors, there were still infected in the hotel.
"Run back to the elevator!" Joe ordered as the team clumsily stumbled out of Quizzy's old room. Chris couldn't see a thing; he stumbled around and tried to find his way to the elevator. He had gotten separated from his team, and with all sorts of special infected around, that was the worst thing possible. He could hear the horde coming, but he couldn't see them. Chris was frightened; he checked his jacket pockets for anything that could help him. He felt around until his hand came over a metal object with some sort of glass surface on it. He pulled it out and tried to get a closer look at it. The glass surface was a light bulb, and the metal object was a pipe bomb.
"Perfect," Chris thought. He raised it over his head, and pressed the button that made the alarm go off.
"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" Chris yelled as he threw the pipe bomb. It started beeping, and he could hear the horde gathering around it. He couldn't see a thing, and the beeping was getting faster and faster, he was about to run away from the beeping when he felt a tongue wrap around him.
"SMOKER!" He yelled as it started dragging him. After a few seconds though, he felt the tongue let go, his vision returned, and he looked up and saw Ted standing there, smiling as he stumbled into the elevator. Chris ran in after him without hesitation. Joe slammed the "lobby" button as he got in and heard the pipe bomb explode.
"Thanks Ted," Chris panted. The team was silent for a few seconds; Fred felt the need to break this silence somehow.
"So, I've been thinking; let's assume we're the last people on Earth. We're gonna have to repopulate once all this is over…"
"Fred, I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth," Kelly interrupted.
"That can be arran-" Fred started.
"Point your gun at me and I'll fucking drop you." Chris and Joe said in unison. Fred sighed as the elevator opened. The team walked out and back onto the streets from which they came.
After going all the way back to where they were, the group of five finally ended up at the stadium Quizzy was going to perform at. Fred gleefully ran in and started babbling as he ran to the light switches.
"Alright guys, we can use Quizzy's sick sounds and lights to call for a helicopter! I'm gonna turn it on, you guys ready?" Fred shouted.
"Fred, I'm not so sure about this!" Joe shouted back. Chris wasn't paying attention to either of them, because his worst fears had come true, he completely drowned out the two brothers arguing, he drowned out Ted's coughing, and he drowned out Kelly's voice, asking him if he was OK. He was focused on one sound entirely: crying.
And it was coming from the stage.