'Welcome to the dark side.' He somehow forces his hand to shake Randy's, reminds himself to grin – not snarl – and answer something both of them will buy.
'I never left.' Good. Perfect. He's totally selling this bullshit, listening to Orton flattering him while feeling like the biggest piece of trash.
He had desperately hoped to see Dean and Roman backstage today. Had been so sure that they'd be here to kick his ass and insult him because that's what they always do. It's what he needs right now.
But them being notably absent isn't something he had predicted. It's just not their style. And it thwarted his plans to talk to them privately before they meet each other in the ring. Which is where they will undoubtedly end up.
He has heard Triple H say something about Money in the Bank and Dean fighting him, and Seth's heart had been beating so violently in his chest that he was pretty sure it would give everything away.
He will never be able to forget how proud his new 'boss' has been, placing a hand on his shoulder on Raw and telling Michael in that interview how Seth Rollins has adapted.
Seth Rollins has done jack shit.
No, scratch that. Seth Rollins has made the biggest mistake of his life. Of all times.
He has destroyed The Shield, let down the two people he loved the most in the world; and the worst of it all is that he has to continue playing his part until all of this is over. Until Evolution is no more.
He has risked it all – that's what he does best – and there is a high chance that he'll end up completely alone because he failed to let Dean and Roman in on this.
When he 'helps' Randy against Big Show and hears the crowd go wild, practically spitting their hate in his face, he realizes sadly that he'll have to get rid of his beloved attire very soon. Though he can't imagine stepping in the ring without it.
The most likely scenario will be Dean ripping the vest off of him, yelling that he has no right to wear it and kicking it out of the ring, out of his life. A part of him will die in that very moment because this outfit means so much to him. It is one of the signs of their unity.
God, he has fucked up so badly.
And yet, he has to endure the heavy hand on his shoulder, the mean grin on his boss's face and play along. He can't let his guard down for just one moment. Not in front of the Evolution or the fans. The less they believe in him, the easier it'll be to not lose his goal out of sight.
He carefully wriggles out of Triple H's grip as soon as they're backstage. Seth has always loved that Dean, Roman and he had been inseparable, joined at the hips so to speak, but the constant proximity of Randy and Hunter bothered him more than he had imagined. He just wants to get out of here. He needs some space.
'I'm gonna change now, it's been a long night,' he excuses himself and bites his lip when Randy holds him back, asking if he wants a ride. The question is like a punch in the gut and leaves him breathless for a moment.
Every time someone reminds him of the fact that he no longer has any right or privilege to travel with his brothers, he thinks about ditching this whole stupid plan and crawling back to Dean and Roman, begging for their forgiveness and understanding.
'Thanks, but no thanks. Cesaro asked for a ride to New Mexico and I already said yes,' he explains – panic choking him without any heads-up, making it hard to even press the words out of his mouth. He throat feels like it's burning down to ashes right under his skin and it amazes him that he doesn't spit out any dust.
Just voicing that he has to either drive alone or with one of the other not-very-welcomed guys makes him feel sick and worthless. He grins again – it feels like someone carves a smile on his cheeks with a knife –, radiating arrogance.
It's enough to make Randy laugh out and clap him hard on the back, knocking the wind out of him for a second. He doesn't tell them that he's asked Cesaro for a night alone.
Seth needs tonight to regroup. He still feels totally miserable whenever he thinks about Monday but he's had a few days now to compose himself and think about what to do. With his brothers, Evolution, his whole damn life.
Monday night, when he lay in the too big hotel bed, silence the only thing he could hear, he had wanted to die, had puked his guts out and cried for what felt like an eternity. A few hours later, when Dean had texted him back and had broken up with him for real, the whole cycle just started anew.
He still can't keep any food inside, his world is still spinning out of control and Dean is as unattainable as the sun. Bu he has to try and get them to talk – he still can't let them in on his plan, or rather, not anymore but he does want to sort things out with his best friend. Maybe even...
He's not really sure what exactly he wants to achieve or if Dean is even willing to meet him halfway. He just knows that he is finally able to breathe again as soon as Hunter and Randy are gone.
He jogs through the arena, head ducked so no one will approach him, until he finds his bag hidden under some cables, broken camera equipment and other stuff no one would ever take a second look at.
The Shield had always been considered as some kind of gatecrasher in the locker room but the guys' behavior has changed drastically since Monday night. It's better for him to get dressed in a dark corner of the building or drive to the next hotel with his outfit on.
He feels miserable but comforts himself with memories of him and his brothers doing exactly that on their early days in the WWE.
Seth doesn't want to spend just one more second in this arena, so he grabs his stuff and tries to scurry to his car unseen, hiding under the hood of his sweater and wearing sunglasses even though it's pitch black outside.
He's already had the pleasure (ha) of meeting some furious Shield fans after Raw and he's not keen on repeating that. The death threats he gets on Instagram and Twitter are bad enough. He doesn't need to get stabbed with a fork by an overzealous fan of Dean, all the while yelling what a piss-poor excuse of a friend he is.
Though he'd totally understand. Seth is aware that he is the worst kind actually.
He has no right to call Roman his big brother anymore, nor is he entitled to hope for a future with Dean.
But as soon as Seth is in the car, he checks his phone. It has become a habit of sorts to try to reach out to Dean even though he hasn't texted him back since Monday and Seth loses his faith with each passing day. Bitterly defying previous backlashes he types a new message while starting the car.
Dean, come on, we should talk.
He has written these words in all possible variations already and he won't stop until he gets some kind of reaction out of the other.
His phone stays silent.
A few minutes later he's found the hotel the WWE has booked for him. It's nothing too fancy and unimposing enough to find some peace and quiet in there. By now, he has given up the hope to meet Dean or Roman in their designated quarters.
No one has seen them since Raw – not on the road, not anywhere. He only knows they're still alive because Dean has answered his first text on Monday night.
(Today he'd totally rephrase it after betraying them like this but back then all he could do was type these words over and over again until he finally gathered enough courage to send them to Dean.
It had been his way of saying that he was sorry, truly sorry, and that they shouldn't lose their faith in him. None of that has worked, judging by the answer he got from Dean.
The words brothers no more still haunt him whenever he closes his eyes, because they mean he has not only lost Dean as a possible partner but he has also ruined their entire family.)
And, of course, Roman's tweet. Seth had only hit Roman on the back twice, trying to take it all out on Dean because of his bruised and battered back but Randy had interfered and attacked Roman nonetheless.
He can understand that they're pissed and trying to avoid him but he still wishes he could just tell them it's all fake – even though it did start with Seth searching for a way out.
Destroying Evolution once and for all from within had not even been his initial plan but he took the bull by the horns when Hunter approached him after their Payback fallout interview.
He has made a deal with the devil, sold his soul, and there's not a chance in hell he'll ever survive this unscathed.
He can't believe he hasn't thought about all of the consequences beforehand, just jumped in front of his brothers and shook hands with Triple H, so he wouldn't even go to try and talk to the others.
The realization that Triple H had never meant to approach Dean or Roman – only having eyes for the Architect of The Shield, the so-called brain behind all of it – hit him the moment he gave Dean the curb stomp.
He has been a fool to believe he could shield his little family from any harm by walking out on them once again. Had not been able to see through Triple H's plan B like he thought he did.
The woman behind the counter looks up when he walks up to her and the friendly smile on her face freezes the moment she recognizes him. Great. He knows this expression better than he wants to.
It's not the Oh my God, I can't believe he's standing in front of me freeze of a fan. It's the What the fuck are you doing here, you traitor? Get out before I kill you stare he has gotten way too often since his heel turn.
Seth still tries to smile, though his face feels kinda stiff while doing so, and asks for his key. The woman nods, mouth a thin line and gives him his card, but holds onto it.
'There have been some disturbances and we had to call your company,' she starts and Seth tries hard not to frown. He's had enough bad news already. Can't he just get a break?
'Some outraged fans have gathered in front of our house, waiting for your arrival, Mr Rollins. Your company has ordered extra security for you.'
Just peachy. It's really a mystery that no one tried to run him over with their car or attacked him with a chainsaw yet.
She lets go of his key card and her forced smile turns cold. 'We recommend you remain in your room for the duration of your stay. Have a nice evening, Mr Rollins.'
That lady might have also just flat-out wished him a long and painful death, it's all the same these days. She has used the same distanced tone every guy from the locker room addresses him with. If they even deign to speak to him.
He's never fled to his room this fast – not because he fears the rioting fans; it can't get any worse than all the death wishes that have already been thrown at him, but because he feels trapped by the presence of other people. He wants to be able to breathe without his chest constricting, thinking he's getting stabbed by hundreds of little daggers.
He's not turning on the lights, likes the comforting darkness that never judges. If he stays hidden in the shadows, he doesn't have to face the reality of being utterly alone.
Right now, Seth can pretend he's waiting for Dean and Roman to arrive. Or he can imagine Dean showering, the sounds drowned out by the vibrant city outside. Can make himself believe Roman is out in a gym, trying to lift the combined weight of all the Anoa'i cousins Seth has had the privilege to meet.
He misses them.
It's all he can think about day in, day out and he can't believe how stupid he's been to want to get away from them. From Dean.
Maybe he really doesn't have any claim on him – them – anymore but he can't give up that easily. Which is why he picks up his phone, opens the window to let in some fresh air, and flops down on the bed.
He thinks of texting Dean once again, skimming through all the messages he has written to the other so far, until he reaches the first one he sent.
Dean, please, don't... don't think I... I can't explain right now but this is not what it seems. I hope Roman's back isn't in a too bad shape and that I didn't hurt you too much. I mean the chair and all that. You're probably pretty mad at me and I get that. I deserve that, just, I don't know, just don't throw me out of your life yet.
I will explain myself when the time is right, please believe me. I never wanted... Look, what I did tonight... you have to... no, I beg of you to not give up on me. Not yet. I don't deny that I did something horrible but I have a reason, okay? You'll probably think it's petty and it maybe is but that doesn't change a thing. Not anymore.
I just want the two of you to know that I can fix this. I just need some time. I can fix us. The three of us; you and me. Especially you and me. Dean, I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you. I'm not asking you to turn your back on Roman, I know you'd never do that, and I don't want you to do it either.
Not that you care about what I want. Just wait for me? Please. I will fix this.
It sounds pretty piteous, even to him. Like he was trying to offer an explanation but all he did say was I screwed you but I still love you. He didn't ask for forgiveness because he wouldn't get any. It is still too soon for that.
Seth isn't sure if Dean will even accept his apology in the future. (And that thought alone is enough to make him cough and wheeze, clutching his throat as if that will help him suck in much needed air.)
There's no guarantee that, even if Dean lets him off the hook, they will be able to go back and start over. He's acted selfish once again and has now to deal with the grave consequences.
If he could travel back in time just one week, he'd slap himself and tell his younger self that he should swallow down his insecurities and doubts, suck it up and be a man. Joining Evolution is the ultimate escalation of his childish fear of being left on the shelf.
Texting Dean hasn't really helped him at all so far, so he just hits the call button and buries his face in the pillows, a hundred percent sure that Dean won't pick up. For one, it's nearly three am and for two, he never accepts his calls.
'I thought I told you to leave me alone.'
Seth is so surprised to hear Dean's voice that he falls out of the bed while trying to sit up. Even though Dean is obviously not willing to talk – his voice gruff and unforgiving – Seth can't help but feel totally relieved.
He's so happy to hear Dean, it's downright pathetic. His fingers start shaking and his heartbeat goes crazy. He even has all these tiny butterflies in his stomach, making him feel nauseous and ridiculously light-headed at the same time. Thank God, he's already sitting on the floor because his knees feel like they're made of jelly.
Then why did you leave him if the only place on earth you really want to be is by his side?
And isn't that the million dollar question?
'Dean, I'm so glad you picked up. Listen, there's so much we need to tal–' He doesn't even get the chance to finish his sentence before Dean interrupts him harshly. 'No, you listen, I don't wanna talk to you. Not now, not ever.'
Dean sounds like he really means it. Seth has fucked up so badly, he'll never be able to repair any of this. Telling Dean the truth now wouldn't help either. He wouldn't understand. Seth knows for sure that his friend would just think it's a trap to put a spell on him again.
He wishes they could go back to a time before the summit, when everything had been only about them and Seth hadn't felt so... Well, it doesn't matter anymore, right? He has disappointed and hurt Dean one too many times, catapulting himself out of the picture.
Well done, Seth. Well done.
All that is left for him to do is try to fight. He has said it in his text and he means it: Seth can't lose Dean, no matter what kind of stupid things he has done to get away.
'You're angry and you have every right to be,' he says hurriedly – only distantly wondering why those words seem so familiar; it's the most vivid déjà vu he's ever had – afraid of Dean cutting him off again.
There is only silence answering him, so Seth dares to make the next move. 'But we have to talk about us. I don't want it to–'
He should have known that Dean wouldn't allow just one more word but he's still taken aback when he hears a loud smash and a wince following it, before Dean pants into the phone, 'No, I– I don't know why I picked up, okay? I don't even know why I'm still talking to you' and hangs up.
If he could just tell his brothers why he did what he did... but then he'd also have to tell Dean the whole truth and he'd never forgive Seth for that.
He'd thought he was prepared for this. That he could take on Dean and Roman in the ring without being able to listen to his heart break.
He isn't.
Standing in the ring, hearing his old entrance music and watching them walk through the crowd (and God, how he misses that too), he feels his legs go numb and has to force himself with all his willpower to not fall down on his knees.
He hasn't had the chance to talk to them backstage, hasn't even known they'd be here until a few minutes ago when he'd been told by Randy that the four of them were the main event of this house show.
(Seth knows that whatever Dean and Roman will throw in his face won't be good, but he shouldn't compare it to what awaits him on Raw. If they make him suffer at their hands today, then he can prepare himself to get completely destroyed tomorrow.
He doesn't fear Roman's vengeance as much as Dean's because the Samoan is pretty calm by nature and only hulks out if his family is in danger. Dean though... Dean has a weapon at his disposal that he can wield as if he's never done anything else and Seth knows he can't escape it.
He will get hit, no matter where he tries to hide – which he won't be able to because he has to act like he's the most arrogant bastard on earth; that's what they do in Evolution – because the range of that weapon is infinite. The only ammunition Dean needs to break and scar Seth are his words.
He'll get purgatory now and hell later.)
They don't even shy away from looking him in the eye, gaze bitter and hard. But he can't dwell on the feelings welling up inside of him – sadness, self-hatred, despair –, he has a new reputation to live up to.
The crowd hates him, calls him a sell out and traitor. Dean seems to like how they treat him and he can't blame his friend for that. He totally deserves all the heat in the world.
Seth can't say what he expected to happen the first time he has to face Dean (and the fact that they have to repeat this tomorrow makes him want to throw up all over Randy's face) but he's still shocked that Dean doesn't hold back, doesn't even look like he would ever think of going easy on him.
So stunned actually, that he tags Randy in, rolling out of the ring, trying to get away from Dean's wrath. He makes the mistake of looking at Roman, who's standing tall on the other side of the ring, watching him with eyes void of any emotion.
It's like they never have been brothers. Like they didn't share their bed at night, never fell asleep in each other's arms. Like Seth hasn't sought out Roman to confess his feelings for Dean and ask him if he felt bothered by it. Like Roman has never laughed at that and hugged him tightly in a way only a big brother could, the embrace making all of his worries go away.
Roman looks at him like he's a stranger. A stranger he happens to have to fight in the ring.
It's almost a blessing to watch Dean's eyes instead even though they're full of ire, bloodlust and mockery. He can't wait to get his hands on Seth and he should have seen it coming that he'd end up getting hit in the back with a chair after Dean stripped him of his vest, really telling him he's not worthy of it.
What do they say? Payback's a bitch.
And Dean is putting all his strength into the second shot, making Seth see stars for a while. He thinks he even screams out in pain, which is a bad mistake with Dean Ambrose as your opponent in the ring. Showing that you're affected by his actions just spurs on his viciousness.
He doesn't know what happens next; the rest of the evening is just a blur to him, his back aching almost as much as his heart, tears threatening to burst out at any moment. He feels the control over his body slip and stumbles out of the arena, only able to think of Dean's hateful blue eyes and how impossibly tight his chest feels.
It's warm outside, even for a night, but he still shudders, feeling like he's trapped in a freezer. He looks around confused, searching for his shirt and vest – his lifelines, his anchor to his brothers – but can't find them anywhere. Doesn't even remember what happened to them. But without them he feels scared and lonely; as if someone had peeled off his skin.
Thank God he somehow had enough presence of mind to grab his gear on the way out, so he puts on a thin shirt and hides his hair under a cap before he fishes out his glasses. He doesn't wear them often but right now he needs some kind of shield to protect him from the world and his glasses are as good as anything.
Seth can't drive away without Cesaro, so he just crawls into the shiny red car and cuddles up on the backseat, holding his hands over his ears to block out any sounds around him.
His heart is hammering wildly in his chest, the bumpy thrum of its beat the only thing that makes sense to him. How on earth could he think he would be able to take out Evolution without Dean and Roman?
Let's meet. Please. Just the two of us. I need to talk to you. Dean, I'm begging you.
His finger taps the send button before he can even process what he has just done, but he knows now he can't do it. Not on his own. Not without his brothers backing him up.
He doesn't want to live in a world where Dean isn't by his side. Where he doesn't wake up to Dean throwing his stinking socks into his face with the loveliest playful smile Seth has ever seen. (It actually lights up the whole room.)
In a world where he abandoned the other even though he wants nothing more than to protect him.
He deeply regrets that he hasn't stolen more kisses from Dean. He should have told him that he truly loves him, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him. Dean never knew for sure if their feelings were mutual.
He probably won't believe Seth now, no matter how many times he swears that yes, he would die for Dean in a heartbeat if that's what it takes.
To his surprise, his cell phone vibrates only a few minutes later.
I don't wanna hear it.
Apparently their match has satisfied a part of the ruthless side of Dean enough that he is willing to at least talk to him indirectly.
Seth will take everything he can get at the moment. Has to.
Then let's talk only about us.
Cesaro is making his way over to the car and Seth sits up, rubs angrily over his eyes (thankfully there are no tears, but he can't make any promises with the current conversation he's having) and shoots the other a bashful smile.
'Can you drive? I'm kinda really worn out.' He doesn't even listen to Cesaro answering whatever – his phone just buzzed, telling him Dean has replied again – with his still pretty heavy Swiss accent and just nods politely.
There is no us.
But there could be, he types, fingers moving so fast he can't even follow them with his eyes anymore.
They reach the hotel without Dean texting back. An hour later – he has roamed the building in hopes of finding his brothers at least this time; now that they've come back – he sighs heavily and retreats back to his room, welcoming the comforting darkness once again.
He checks his phone even though he expects to be let down again, only to find a message waiting for him. Seth swallows hard, hands getting sweaty like he is still a teenage boy, finally talking to his high school crush.
I won't betray Ro like you did.
Which basically means: I won't leave him for you. Ever. But that's okay. Well, it's not okay, but Seth totally gets it. He likes to regard it as a step in the right direction.
Not asking you to, I swear. It will only be about you and me.
He can't sit still as soon as he's sent the words, pacing the room like Dean usually does, unable to think straight. Hope tries to worm its way into his system and he's too exhausted to push it away. Dean is willing to talk – well, technically he hasn't agreed to a meeting yet, but Seth decides to ignore that for now.
Dean finally texts back thirty-seven minutes and eleven seconds later: Can't promise I won't punch you in the face. Repeatedly.
He has to smile at that, too thrilled to see glimpses of the Dean he fell in love with. Typing a reply suddenly is the easiest thing on earth. It's like they've never parted.
Didn't expect you to.
This time he doesn't have to wait long for an answer. His mobile vibrates as soon as he puts it on the bed to get changed.
I'm gonna regret this, won't I?
For a moment Seth isn't sure if he's really texting with Dean. This does sound a lot like Roman but beggars can't be choosers, so he pushes the irritating feeling aside and writes, Probably.
It's almost four am and Seth is on the verge of a nervous breakdown when Dean eventually replies.
Fine. You have five minutes after Raw. I wanna unleash the hound and beat the shit out of you first while the whole world watches.
He's so allayed that he starts laughing and even though it sounds foreign and weird to his own ears, he doesn't stop because that is his Dean and he's willing to see him. It's not Roman trying to play tricks on him, not just his imagination wanting to make him feel better.
Getting beaten up seems like a small price to pay for everything he has done to his family. Though he's not exactly keen on repeating tonight.
Thank you, Dean, he types still chuckling, a single tear rolling down his cheek. God has given him a second chance to make things right and he can't blow it. Under no circumstances. He has no clue what to say in those five minutes but he knows that they will ultimately decide over their fate.
He has a whole day to prepare for this, to make a plan (a good one this time) even though he is sure right now that he'll end up doing what he always does if it's about Dean: follow his heart.
Dean answers at the speed of light, making Seth cringe and smile at the same time.
Fuck off.
Hey guys, I just wanted to thank each and every one of you who has commented, favoured or followed this story so far. It really means a lot to me *hugs you all* If any one of you is interested, you can go to my WWE fic tumblr (ambrollinsgirl) for more infos, updates, little previews. See you soon =)