Going after him!!
Chapter 4: Research
BPOV
So here I sat at my decrepit computer. Edward use to always try to get me to let him buy me a new computer. Like I would ever do that. I loved everything about Edward, except the fact that he was so rich it was disgusting. He could probley buy this country. I loved it for him, that way he got whatever he wanted. The expensive cars he loved so much and the thousands upon thousands of CD's he owned. He probley owned every CD that has ever been made; except rap music of course. Like he would listen to that crap. The stereo system in his room alone probley cost more than everything in my whole room, hell probley my whole house. I loved that he was rich for those reasons. Because I wanted Edward to have everything he wanted, anything that made him happy. I hated that he was rich because he liked to buy me things and not just little cheap things here and there. No no not Edward he always wanted to buy me expensive things, like a brand new car. It took all I had to get him not to go out and buy me a brand new car. Not that I didn't love it when Edward did those things for me or that I didn't appreciate it. I just didn't think that I deserved it was all. I didn't even deserve him let alone him spending outrageous amounts of money on me. I already always felt inadeqoute next to Edward because of his looks and brilliance. Than on top of that he was so wealthy. That just made me even more below him. I never told him I felt this way. He would of flipped out. Even though I was just a distracion to him he would never want me to feel that way. He was a gentleman no matter what. I'm sitting here staring at this computer screen wishing I wasn't so nervous. I feel like I am going to go into a panic attack. All I am doing is looking up a damn university website. I mean damn it's not like I'm gonna find him on there (though he is smart enough to be a professor). If I find anything at all it will just be Carlisle. Which I guess if I am honest with myself that is exciting, that means I am closer to Edward. But was that really a reason to be going into a panic attack. Maybe I was just afraid that my dream was wrong and I had no clue to where any of them were. Yes, that does sound more like a reason to have a panic attack. STOP IT BELLA! He's there, think about it you know it's true. You can feel it. Probley cause where ever he is my soul is there too, following him around like a dog waiting for me to be there too. Be where I belonged. Which was where ever he was. Why didn't he see that. Or why was he so determined to ignore it. I've wasted enough time. So I click on the desktop icon for the internet and wait for it to load; than I went to my favorite search engine. Google of course.
I typed in Cornell University, hit enter and waited. Thats when the what ifs hit me. I wasn't changing my mind to fight for him; no I had done made up my mind on that. It was just now I was thinking of all the possible ways that could come up so that I don't find him or still don't get to be with him. What if my feeling is wrong and their not in New York. What if I can't find a way to go there? What if Charlie gives me hell? What if Alice sees this and they leave before I get there? What if they are not happy to see me? What if Edward is furious when he sees me? What if I can't be with him even after I find him? So many what if's. But I decided I didn't care and that I would just have to deal with the what if's when and if they happened. Now that I had made up my mind nothing was going to stop me from fighting for what I want. The website for Cornell came up and I skimmed throught the site looking for faculty and staff. I knew I was close to having my feelings confirmed. I came to an icon for professors and clicked on it, as soon as the screen page came up I seen him. How could you miss his beauty, even though I have seen him numerous times his beauty still stunned me. He was right there, the first Professor listed and it told a little about him. Carlisle Cullen 30 (yeah right) newly instated Head Professor of Medicine and Chief of Surgery. Professor Cullen has a wife Esme Cullen and four children Jasper, Alice, Emmett and Rosalie. He likes to spend his free time camping and hiking. I let out a breathe I hadn't realized I was holding in and smiled. Seeing him there on that page gave me a sudden boost in my determination and thankfully some more courage. I was curious and a bit freaked out to why Edward was not listed as one of his children. Where was he? Does this mean that he is not with the Cullens, that if I go there I still won't get to see him? Would they help me find him if he wasn't there? Oh well no reason to freat now, I will just deal with it as it comes. I wasn't gonna let this little thing stop me. I was so close. I closed my eyes and whispered Edwards name. It felt good to be half way me again and to actually think about my Edward. It still hurt a little but every step I took closer to finding him the less it hurt. Cause that meant not only would I be near him again but I would be complete. Now I just got to deal with Charlie.
I decided to go ahead and get together everything I intended on bringing with me. I know I still had to deal with Charlie; but I know me and as determined as my resolve is to fight for Edward, this will definitely become a time when I am my most stubborn. I would fight Charlie for Edward too. As much as I love my father and I do not want to hurt him this is just something I have to do. He will either be okay with it or deal with it. Luckily next week was spring break so I would be off of school. I would miss as much school as I needed for this trip. However the fact that it was Spring Break gave me more hope that I would not have to have a fight with Charlie and have to just leave. So I packed my comfy pajamas (sweats and a holey tee), and i'll admit some more rather girly ones (just in cause). Grabbed a couple change of panies and bras, couple change of clothes and socks. Got underneath my mattress and retrieved all the cash I had been saving and stuffed it in the bottom of my bag underneath my clothes. Than I grabbed my bag of toiletries and my copy of Wuthering Heights. Shoved all that in my bag and than I sat back down at my computer. I hadn't closed it down yet so I went to to see what the cheapest and quickest flight to New York was. I decided on the one that was leaving the next morning. It was going to cost me about $600, but he was worth it and I had money saved up so I could handle it. It was going to take me just about 12 hours to get to New York. I could of got a cheaper flight, but it would of took longer to get there and I would of had to make more stops. I would pay an extra $200 to get there faster. Now I was all set to go except Charlie. Everything packed: check, flight booked: check, telling Charlie: not checked. Well I gues theres no better time than the present. I was a stubborn person but I also did not like to upset people. That was going to be hard, I am so use to going out of my way to please people and not upset people that right now I am just gonna have to drop all that and for once just worry about myself. Better just get it over with that way I can at least get a little bit of sleep before I have to leave for the airport. My flight was at 8:55 am and I would be getting in New York about 8:30 pm. I decided that once I got there I would rent a car and check into a hotel. That way I could get more sleep and nice an cleaned up before I show up at Cornell to see Carlisle. Man I bet he is gonna be surprised. Nothing left to do now, so I closed down the computer and placed my bag by my bedroom door. I walked out the room and down the stairs without falling once believe it or not. Charlie was sitting in the living room watching a baseball game and eating pizza.
Charlie didn't even notice when I walked into the room. So I went over to the couch and sat down, he still didn't notice. So I loudly cleared my throat; that finally worked.
"Hey Bells, what cha doin? I'm just watching the game. Do you want some pizza?" he says
"No Dad and thanks anyway; but we need to talk. Can you turn the game off for a minute?" He looked apprehensive. He had no idea what he was about to hear and I know he won't like it.
"Sure, what do you wanna talk about?" he asks while picking up the remote and turning off the tv.
"Well Dad I know that I have kind of been a little out of it lately, and I want to apologize to you for that. That couldn't of been easy to see."
"I was just so worried for you sweety. I was afraid that you would never come around and be yourself again."
"Well I am still not completely myself again but I am working on that, and thats what I wanted to talk to you about. Just keep in mind that I love you Char.. Dad and I don't want to argue with you. But you also have to keep in mind that I am an adult now."
"Your worriing me a little Bells."
"I'm going to New York Dad. I am leaving tomorrow and I hope to be back by the end of the week before school restarts but I can't say for sure."
At first he was just looking at me like I was speaking some foreign language, or maybe I said it so fast and all jumbled together that he didn't understand it. I was nervous after all. After a couple minutes he was still quiet so I decided to add some more information in there for him. I might as well get it all out there in the open.
"Dad, I have decided that I am not okay with being without Edward. I know that he is in New York with the rest of the Cullen's and I am going there to talk to him. I miss him and every since the day he left I have felt like I was not complete. "
"NOW YOU WAIT JUST A MINUTE..... Isabella Swan are you seriously telling me that 1 you expect me to be okay with you going alone across the country for an indefinite amount of time, and 2 that you are chasing after that BOY!!!" he yelled. "After he up and left you the way that he did, with barely a good bye and no way to contact him. You are seriously going to go to him. And what Isabella, beg him to be with you? He left remember." Those words stung more than he would ever know but there was no way I was going to let him yell at me and treat me like a child; or talk about Edward.
"WAIT" i yelled. "Stop yelling at me right now. First off again I am an adult and technically I can go where I please. Second, you have no idea what hapened with me and Edward before he left. And it is not like he left me cause he didn't want me, his family moved away remember (i had to stay with the human cherade they played, even though they did leave cause Edward didn't want me anymore, does not mean Charlie needs to know that). Do you think maybe this was hard for him as well, maybe he didn't want to force me into a long distance relationship. Maybe he thought it was best to just end it now. Do you know what Edward Cullen was thinking? No, Charlie you do not. You have no idea how he is feeling right now." I was pretty sure he was fine; off with more distractions. But I was still resolved to fight for him and hearing Charlie yell at me and talk about Edward that way brought out my attitude and defiance tenfold. There was no way I was giving in. I was going and that was that.
"Now, Dad I told you I did not want to fight with you, so are you really going to make me continue to do that?" he was just looking at me like I was some strange creature.
"Listen Bella this is my house and you live under my roof and if I say you are not going to New York, thats it; your not going." he smirked. Did he really think I would back down from him.
"Fine, Charlie! Do you want me to move my stuff out now or can I do it when I return?"
His mouth dropped! I didn't want to do this but I would. He just didn't understand how I just didn't function right without Edward.
"Look, Dad I love you, I do and I don't want to move out of your house, but I am going to New York. I know you probley think it is stupid and that I am to young to know that I am suppose to be with Edward but I am not. I do not function right without him Dad. Before I met him and any of the Cullen's for that matter; I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Like I didn't fit with anyone, not even with Renee or you. I love you both and your my parents but I have always felt that way. I never had any real friends at all. When I met Edward and than the rest of the Cullen's, it was the first time ever in my life I had real friends. People who actually understood me and liked me for me. Being with Edward is the only time I have ever felt truly happy and accepted my whole life and he made me feel that way. I know being with him is where I am suppose to be. I can't be without him. And if I have to beg, as you said; well, I might. Right now I would probley do anything to have him back in my life."
At first he just looked at me with this look on his face, like he was sad or depressed or something in that area. When he started talking I almost cried. Charlie is like me and not one for big emotional displays so I knew this had to be awkward for him.
"Bells, I guess I didn't realize that was how you felt. I honestly thought you were just upset over being dumped, not meaning to sound so harsh. I guess I should of knew better with you huh? I seen the two of you together, and honestly I was quite surprised when he left like that. It use to scare me the way you two were together. I could see it in both your eyes how much you both meant to the other. I ignored it most the time because I didn't want to think about you in that serious of a relationship. I made myself believe it was nothing. What a fool I was!"
"It was love Dad, really. I don't mean to sound cheesy but I have no other way to say it except: My heart is gone, it is with him. It's like I can't properly breathe, I'm suffocating Dad. I need him. And I am going to see what I can do to fix that. My heart will always be his, no matter what the outcome of this trip is. My heart will go on, and beat for him only."
"Okay, I can see how much this means to you, but Bella please be careful. Try to come back whole. I miss my daughter. I love you Bells."
I honestly couldn't believe it was that easy to convince Charlie to agree with me. Most of all though I couldn't believe I had just said all that to him. I was kind of embarassed. All those things I had just said to him I had never admitted to anyone. They were just feelings and thoughts I had and kept to myself. I went upstairs to get some sleep. I was exhausted. I had a very emotional day. Charlie told me before I came up here that he was proud of me for fighting for what I wanted and that if I needed anything while I was gone to just give him a call. He also said he would go into work late and take me to the airport. I had to get up at 5 to be able to get dressed, eat and be in Seattle on time. I was so excited, I was afraid I was not going to be able to sleep. So while I was laying here in bed thinking about Edward I cheated and did something I hadn't done in over 7 months. I started humming my lullaby that he wrote me. It felt so good to hear that familiar tune. I loved it so much, of course it was way better when Edward hummed it, this would work for now though. Hopefully soon I would be able to hear his perfect voice hum it. I fell asleep humming my lullaby thinking of my Edward. And I have to admit it was nice thinking about him. I missed him so much.
A/N: I just want to say sorry that the fourth paragraph is so long. I got into their converation and next thing I know it was that long. Please review!!!! And thank you to all the excellent reviews I have got so far and tips. It means alot to me.