For those sharp eyed people put there, you may have noticed that my chapter headings are shakespear quotes. ive tried to find quotes that sum up my thoughts on the chapter. i may have to deviate from shakespeare at some point. but in the mean time...
chapter 4 - Of all base passions, fear is the most accursed.
Elizabeth found time to be alone with Jane the morning after she arrived.
"Oh Lizzie, tell me everything that you were unable to say in a letter."
Elizabeth just looked at her dearest sister and felt her eyes fill with tears.
"Oh Lizzie, I am so sorry" and Jane put her arms around her sister and held her whilst she wept. It seemed an indeterminate time later, but eventually the tears stopped flowing. Elizabeth wiped her nose with a handkerchief and sat back.
"I know I should be grateful that he was not hurt more, and I am, so grateful" she stopped and took a deep breath "Jane, do you recall how Fitzwilliam acted when we first met?"
Jane frowned slightly, "I recall you did not seem to get along well, he is always uncomfortable in the presence of strangers, even now."
Elizabeth smiled a half smile "oh Jane, that is how you would see it. Darcy was insulting and disdainful and he looked down on most of Hertfordshire. Oh I know him better now" she said waving at Jane to stop her protest "I know he was having a difficult time, due some issues with Georgiana and he did not like assemblies, as well as hearing all of our neighbours gossiping about his wealth. I know he had good reason for being detached, but he appears to feel like I was a mistake. Or something. He obviously only remembers me as being tolerable and cannot see that his feelings changed"
"Surely, dear sister, you could explain to him how things came to be?"
"I have tried" she exclaimed with feeling "everytime I suggest we discuss the last three years he claims a headache, or a pressing matter of business. We have had naught but the barest discussions of our past"
Jane sighed, and covered her sisters hands with her own "dear one, do not fret. Think how you would feel if you awoke to find yourself married to Mr Darcy and unable to remember the time between that night at the assembly, where you were convinced he did not like you, and now when you are married with a child and living a completely different life. Can you see how difficult that would be?"
Elizabeth smiled a grim smile. "You are correct, of course. I am expecting too much"
"And fearing much?"
"Indeed. I fear losing" a sigh escaped her lips "So much"
Jane frowned "How so?"
Elizabeth looked at her dearest sister, not knowing if she should share her fears, the ones that plagued her as she lay a-bed at night, alone and acknowledging that even if she weren't alone she would still be lonely. She looked over to the window, the clouds outside were grey and moving with an unusual restless energy. They were heavy, but the rain seemed to be waiting for something, as if it was not quite ready to fall. She shivered, wondering if a storm was coming. She thought on what was worrying her.
Her marriage was unique, she was not naive enough to to think she was the only woman who enjoyed a unique relationship, but she was certain that hers was the only type she would love as she did. Darcy listened to her and respected her intelligence and sought her opinion, he supported her in times of need and, most importantly, enjoyed her company. She knew what her sister would say, what the doctor would say, likely what everyone would say. Give it time, allow him to heal and recover and, hopefully, remember. But her fear was that he would not. He seemed to hold so much resentment over their marriage, so much animosity towards her, and he seemed so unwilling to talk about it with her.
Jane was watching her with anticipation writ across her face. Elizabeth decided to open up, if not fully.
"I fear he does not trust me, and the more he acts this way the less I trust him. How can we have a marriage without trust?"
Jane smiled in sympathy, "Just give it time, and continue to show him why he chose you as his wife"
Elizabeth could not help the thought that drifted through her head, what if he does not let me? And she shivered as a draft blew through the room. She smiled and nodded as she rose and moved to close the open window, resolving to try to put her worst fears to rest. For now.
...
Twas not far away, in the garden, that Mr Darcy was strolling with Miss Bingley on his arm. He looked at the tall lady by his side and felt, again, the objective acknowledgement of her grace. She moved well, in the manner that gently bred ladies did, displaying their figures to the greatest advantage. He thought of Mrs Darcy, she had a figure that was light and pleasing and he was certainly attracted to her. He did not wish to acknowledge his attraction, focussing instead on the thought that it was possibly this lustful side of him that had been responsible for their marriage.
He had been pondering on the likelihood of Elizabeth having compromised him, but he had to acknowledge that it was possible he had compromised himself. These lustful thoughts could have driven him to offer for her, she could have drawn him in. She would not have refused an offer from the master of Pemberley, not with her background and family situation.
It was possible that was how things had progressed, he feared it was so.
He pushed away such negative thoughts and turned to the woman at his side.
Miss Bingley had be delighted with his offer for a walk, hoping it showed his good opinion of her, and she was waiting for a chance to find out if there was any way of separating Elizabeth from Pemberley, for her benefit of course.
"Miss Bingley, I wonder if I might beg a favour of you?"
She smiled, coquettish, at him "Why Mr Darcy, you may ask me anything. We have always been good friends, and not just for my brother's sake I hope"
Darcy nodded in acknowledgement of her statement. "Might I ask you," he hesitated, looking up at the grey rolling clouds trying to focus his thoughts "might I ask you some, likely impertinent, questions regarding the past four years?"
"Of course" she murmured, laying a hand on his arm in comfort "it must be so distressing for you to find yourself here, surrounded by relative strangers, with so much time having passed. I am so sorry for what you have endured"
"I thank you" Darcy did feel exceptionally adrift, he glanced again at the rolling clouds, feeling much like the leaf he viewed being tossed in the wind. "I wonder, would you tell me of changes to yourself? What have you been doing these past years?"
Caroline talked a little about staying with Louisa and Bingley, and connections she had made. Darcy found himself drifting, not really interested in names and dates.
"How have you remained unmarried? You are a lovely woman, if you do not mind my saying so?"
Caroline laughed and pushed him lightly "oh you flatterer," she took a deep sigh and affected a look of pained acceptance "I am afraid tis a sorry tale. I did entertain hopes of a gentleman of excellent connections and fortune, but he married elsewhere and I have yet to find a suitable replacement." She sent a flirtatious look his way "I have had a few offers but none who have replaced him in my affections." She sighed as if wounded, pressing her hand to her heart, drawing his attention to her décolletage.
"I see, I am sorry." He did not know how to continue.
"Tis no concern. I am perfectly content" Caroline affected a wounded look.
"Might I ask." Darcy sighed "I feel somewhat lost, and I find that when one looses ones way he best action is to start at the beginning"
Caroline smiled at him, although she was not sure she was following. "How may I help?"
"Would you tell me what happened at Netherfield, how long did I stay? What did we do?"
Of course Caroline simpered, exceptionally pleased she was able to tell the story with her own slants on it.
"You remember the Lucas soirée?"
Darcy nodded, remembering commenting to MIss Bingley about Elizabeth's eyes.
"I assume you are most interested in the Bennet family? We had such a merry party, the five of us. You gentleman had some excellent sport and the evening dinners were intimate but such fun" she sighed, pressing her hand to his arm again.
"One evening you gentlemen were to dine with the officers and Louisa and I felt that we would like to know more of dear Jane, she was a sweet girl, and so invited her to dine. However she was sent on horseback, despite the threat of rain and the poor thing was soaked through. I remember you commenting later that it was likely engineered by her mother."
Darcy made a noise which could have been one of disgust or merely an invitation for her to continue.
"Well the poor dear became ill, and the next day Elizabeth walked three miles in the rain sodden ground to see her. She looked quite wild, we were, all of us, quite shocked by her appearance, for we had not long sat down to break our fast. It was likely by design also, but she stayed to care for Jane."
"I see" he wanted to ask if Miss Elizabeth had sought him out, or tried to entice him, but he knew he should not dishonour his wife with such questions. He was already bordering on inappropriate by allowing Caroline to speak freely of Elizabeth. She had not said anything disparaging, and he would not allow insults of course, but he needed to know how they had acted, when and how their courtship had began.
"I recall finding her eyes rather fine, that night at Lucas lodge."
Caroline grimaced, but Darcy was looking at the horizon "yes, we did speak of it. Although at that time you said nothing of deeper feelings. In fact you rarely spoke much of her, although when you were both in a room together you would occasionally debate with her."
Darcy frowned "might you give an example?"
"I remember a discussion about accomplishments. Forgive me I do not recall the details, however you and I were talking of accomplishments and Elizabeth was rather contrary when claiming how difficult it was to find women of superior accomplishments, such as those you and I are familiar with. It was rather tiring"
Darcy agreed, arguments were tiring, and to claim that women could not be accomplished? Showed a rather small town mentality, he thought, with resignation. It all fit with what he had expected.
"How long did they stay?"
"Not quite a week" Caroline directed their steps to circle the formal gardens again "I remember thinking that Jane seemed recovered after a few days, but somehow they stayed longer. It is possible Elizabeth wished to stay longer" she affected a look of puzzlement "I recall her saying something of the kind. But I am afraid tis too long ago for me to remember the details."
Darcy nodded, inviting her to continue with the story.
"After that the house went back to its blissful quiet. Twas so pleasant to have ones house to ones self when guests overstay their welcome"
Darcy grimaced, thinking on the concept of unwanted guests.
"We did not see much of them for the week following that. They had a cousin staying. He was courting Miss Elizabeth, I believe, but he offered for Miss Charlotte Lucas, as was. I believe Elizabeth took that rejection as quite upsetting. The cousin was to inherit Longbourn and I certainly overheard Mrs Bennet forwarding the connection."
They turned again and continued on another manicured path. Darcy looked around. The formal gardens were well maintained, but Darcy longed to turn his feet to the wilder paths. He could see beyond the gardens that there were some new paths leading to spots he had liked in his youth. One led throughout a small copse of woods and he knew there was a little stream that ran through the trees. He could make out some wild flowers growing either side of the path leading towards the trees. His attention was drawn back to Caroline who clearly favoured the even paths of the manicured garden.
"We held a ball at Netherfield a week later." She stopped as if concerned and ducked her head.
"Pray continue"
"I am sorry Mr Darcy, but I cannot continue without speaking ill of your in laws and I do not wish to do so." She affected a look of concern.
"I would ask for your forthrightness on this occasion"
Caroline looked intently at him, as if to consider his words, she then gave him a small smile, hiding the smirk she wished to display "if you insist. Unfortunately the whole ball was a disaster due to the Bennets. The younger two ran wild, and I believe over indulged in the punch. The middle sister, I forget her name, insisted on playing poorly during the dinner. Mrs Bennet was loudly enthusiastic about the match between my brother and Jane" she turned as if concerned "you must understand that at that stage they were merely friendly, no proposal had been made." Darcy nodded.
"We left Netherfield the following day, Charles had business in town and you did not wish to stay longer. A Mr Wickham had joined the militia, and you wished to leave. I know he had used your family ill and you wished to be away"
"Whickam!" He exclaimed. "Will I never be rid of him"
"Not now he is your brother"
Darcy stopped moving and Caroline jolted to a stop.
He breathed in through his nose, nostrils flaring as he attempted to contain his anger.
"My brother?"
Caroline resisted another urge to smirk
"Oh, Mr Darcy I am so sorry. How foolish of me. We have been asked to be cautious of what we speak so as not to shock you. I ... It just came out. The whole situation was so shocking." She trailed off, as if at a loss for words.
"I believe we should return to the house"
"Yes indeed" she murmured. She thought through the last half hour with satisfaction. She had feared being asked about their time in London, and their attempts to keep Bingley from Jane. 'Twas likely a story that would be better told by her brother, she was not certain how to spin it to her advantage. Dropping Wickham's name had seemed the best way to deflect further questions. It had the added benefit of making her look good and his wife, God how Caroline hated that woman, seem bad.
...
Darcy fumed, Wickham was his brother? Which one of the Bennets had he married? And how had he allowed it? He could not envision a situation where he would willingly marry someone connected to Wickham. Had he been engaged before Wickham had chosen one of the other Bennets? But why would he not have stopped it? Had Elizabeth kept this from him? Oh! And Poor Georgiana, how did she feel about this?
He paced his study, each thought darker than the next, his temper matching the darkening clouds outside the window. What should he do? He knew he needed to speak to Elizabeth, but he was so angry right now that he did not trust himself. The anger he felt was unusual for him. He felt a sort of blind rage build in him, he wished to hit something, anything, and he could not seem to control it.
He breathed deeply, in through his nose, out through his mouth. One. Two. Three. The anger started to abate, the clouds affecting his vision clearing. A throbbing pain started to intrude upon his notice. A deep pain in the back of his head, shooting sharp piercing jolts of pain forward through his skull, his eyes, his neck. The pain was all he could focus on, all that seemed to matter.
He sat down heavily in the chair behind his desk and dropped his head in to his hands, clouds once again intruding on his vision, these were clouds of pain and could not be overcome by breathing.
He barely took note of the rustle of skirts.
"Fitzwilliam, what has become of you?"
The cool cloth pressed to his head felt amazing, he did not take note of the whispered words of instruction as Elizabeth frantically gave orders and moved to draw the curtains, plunging the room in to darkness, nor did he note the gentle hands that encouraged him to stand and guided him to lie on his settle. Another cool compress and encouragement to drink a tea, bitter underneath but sweetened with honey.
The effect was fast, the pain started to recede, and the soothing words of comfort started to have an effect.
He allowed himself to fall asleep.
A/N - so, first off many thanks to the reviewers out there. i am glad you are enjoying the story. I would reply to everyone but my attention was caught by someone (huh?) suggesting there is another copy of 'Mr Darcy forgets' out there. my original notes are under 'forget me not' (which of course, i have copies of) i changed the title as i started uploading after doing a search of ffn to check there were no other stories called this. I certainly have not copied another story, but if there is another out there i would rather not tread on anyones toes. Can anyone say if there is or not? Should I stop posting? I dont really intend to publish (occasionally i think about it, but nothing serious so far). So, lovely readers, please tell me what to do!