Ch 3
It was 72 degrees Fahrenheit, sunny and warming up gently for an early fall day. The breeze was slight, yet refreshing. The birds were singing, joggers were jogging, and the world was right.
The world was right, outside of the apartment with a human and a half-ghoul inhabiting it. While the half-ghoul was still sleeping, the human was wide awake and frowning. His world was not right. It was un-right. Very, very un-right.
In his hands, he clutched a knife. It was broad with serrated edges. Very sharp, very good knife. It was also bent in a way that rendered it entirely useless.
Hide knew this knife was Kaneki's favorite. He saw him using it to chop carrots not two weeks ago. The blade was strong and sturdy with a lifetime warranty backed by a famous brand name. It shouldn't be possible to ruin it, and in such a way! There wasn't anything in the apartment capable of using the kind of force needed to bend the steel. Not without incurring significant damage. And Hide had checked.
So, what had been strong enough to push the knife? Or force the tip back in on itself?
Hide knew of only one possible answer and it was sleeping in on the futon. But, his mind shied away from the prospect. Surely not again... Kaneki had been doing so good... No signs of serious depression in months.
Behind his seat at the kitchen table, Kaneki was beginning to stir- his toes were twitching and his breathing was becoming lass automated. Time to find out for sure.
As gray eyes fluttered open, Hide fingered the curved side of the blade once more before setting it down on the table. Time to wake up little brother. And hopefully put his fear to rest, one way or another.
Kaneki woke slowly, fading into the awareness of morning sun painting his eyelids a soft pink. The rays felt warm on his exposed cheek, almost like a mother's kiss, and Kaneki was sorely tempted to drift and doze off. He had this feeling he really didn't want to remember life today.
Which reminded him why he wanted to ignore life. Crap.
And that Hide was over and if he didn't get up soon would be trying to cook- and that would make life even worse. He really didn't feel like paying the landlord for a fire hazard fee at the moment.
Kaneki opens his eyes and sits up slowly, letting the stiffness in his limbs diffuse before looking around. Hide was at the kitchen table looking at his hands with a frown. This act alone had the hairs on the back of Kaneki's neck standing up. That was an angry big brother.
Kaneki was tempted to lay back down and pretend he was asleep. Hide didn't seem to have noticed him yet. However the logical part of his brain reminded him that no matter what time he woke up at, Kaneki would still incur Hide's wrath. Might as well get it over with. ... Yikes...
Kaneki pushed himself up, wincing at the lingering stiffness arcing though the soles of his feet. Hide, despite having surely heard Kaneki, didn't look up or greet him. As he walked closer, Kaneki could see why.
The knife lay innocently on the table in front of Hide, hiding the desperation and fear that it had once been wielded with. Kaneki silently cursed himself for forgetting about it. He'd meant to throw it out as soon as Hide was gone, no harm no foul. It looked a little to late for that now.
Hide slowly and intentionally lifted his eyes from his folded hands on the tabletop to meet Kaneki's stormy grays. Kaneki shivered as he felt death stare him down. Hide was a ball of sunshine every day of the week, but when he got mad- you knew the crap had hit the fan.
Kaneki slowly pulled out a chair, watching Hide carefully for any type of objection or aggression. As he sat down, Kaneki braved a smile at Hide. His attempt to lighten the mood failed miserably when Hide's eyebrows drew closer in a scowl as his frown deepened.
"G-good morning," Kaneki tried for a casual greeting.
"Good morning, Kaneki." Hide replied smoothly, no tone or inflection.
Silence reigned for a few seconds more before Hide used his words to pounce.
"What happened to your knife? My mom just gave it to you last Christmas."
Kaneki swallowed. He couldn't lie- he was awful at it and Hide would Know- but he couldn't tell the truth either.
"It bent.." Kaneki tried to resist. Maybe if he kept Hide from the truth long enough, Hide would get bored and give up?
"No, duh, Sherlock. How?"
"Uhhh," Kaneki paled. Maybe the truth was best? "I-I bent it."
Hide lifted a pale eyebrow. "You bent it? How?"
Kaneki winced, Hide's voice was hard, tempered steel. Kaneki hoped he didn't get cut open. "I- I," Kaneki tried to swallow, but his throat had swallowed the Sahara. "I- Sepuku."
Kaneki ducked his chin against his collarbone. He fought the urge to tremble. The hair on the crown of his head prickled, feeling the weight of Hide's eyes. For a moment, a precious moment, there was silence.
"Why?!" Hide's voice rang out loudly in the early morning quiet. He was angry, so angry.
"Why, again? Kaneki, we've been over this! There are people who care if you live or die or not! I care! My parents care! You've got a good life, and you're finally away from your crazy aunt. I thought you wanted to live?"
Hide looked so upset. Kaneki felt part of himself die inside. He caused that. Because of his stupid stuff going on! Why did his troubles always hurt the people he was closest to? He was such a leech.
Hide's face softened from anger to sorrow.
"Kaneki, you know being part.. part whatever doesn't change anything, right? You're still you. And you still need to live. I would still care and be very upset if you died."
Kaneki kept lowered his eyes again. Shame curled in the pit of his gut.
"I know," he uttered.
Hide's voice grew even more distraught, Kaneki didn't dare to look up at his friend's face.
"Then, why? If you know, why would you do this? You have a life, future, people who love you!"
Hide was yelling now, and when Kaneki looked up, his eyes were yelling too. It made a small part of him tremble, that frightened, lonely, abandoned part of him that yearned for a family more than life in his veins. He hated upsetting Hide. Upsetting Aniki.
This part of him, this desperate-to-please-as-long-as-you-love-me part of him shook in fear and pain, because if you want family that bad, you do not take negative reactions well.
Kaneki shouted back, desperate to be understood, to- as he saw it- earn back his family. To not be shunned, discarded, abused, forgottenabandonedhatedignored again.
"That's exactly why!"
Silence greedily reclaimed lost ground in the tiny apartment.
Hide looked confused, eyebrows coming together over his concerned eyes.
"What?"
Kaneki felt a sob building in his throat. He tried to swallow it back as he replied, but he wasn't entirely successful, his voice rang out higher than normal.
"I can't hurt you. If I'm a ghoul, that means I eat people."
Hide tried to smile.
"Didn't we talk about this last night? We'll fix it, it'll be fine. I always did say I would help you bury a body if need be."
Kaneki could feel the hysteria rising further, like a cold flame lit in his gut that would not be extinguished. The first tears gathered in his eyes.
"No," Kaneki sobbed. "You don't get it! I'm a ghoul, I'll hurt you."
Hide laughed and Kaneki wanted to slap some sense into him. He just didn't get it!
"Chill, bro! As if I would let you. Besides, even if you did take a chunk out of me, it's not that big a deal! I mean, if you're hungry, and you'll starve to death, then I would rather you live."
Rather than calming Kaneki, this distressed him further. His shoulders shook and the tears wouldn't stop.
"No!" He seemed between screaming and sobbing. "A life where I have to hurt you to live isn't one I want!"
Kaneki wrenched himself out of the chair and away from Hide. His steps were unsteady as he tried to maneuver through blurry threw himself into a corner across the room. Kaneki buried his head into his bony knees and wrapped his arms around them, trying in vain to control his shaking.
Hide rose from the table as soon a Kaneki fled from it. That had obviously been the wrong thing to say. Hide had been going for jest and trying to ease Kaneki's worries, but apparently he had hit a little too close to home with what Kaneki was really going on.
Hide was quick to follow Kaneki and wrap him up in a hug- albeit awkward from how Kaneki had tried to press himself into the wall.
Kaneki only shook harder.
"Hey, I was kidding, that's never going to happen. We're not gonna let it come to that. We're going to fix this. Somehow, some way. Maybe we can go back to the hospital and-"
"NO! I can't go back, I don't know what they might do to me!"
"Okay, okay, we won't go back to the hospital. It's fine, It's fine. We'll just try something else. Maybe we can find something else you can eat. Something humans don't know about. We'll find a way."
"How?! How are we going to figure out the answer to something that's been going on for decades, Hide? We're broke college kids!"
"Oh, come on, don't sell yourself short. I'm sure we can find something. Just you wait and see. There is still a life worth living."
Kaneki let out a final sniff as he lifted his head from the shelter of his knees. His eyes were puffy and red around the sides. His cheeks were shiny with the moisture of his tears.
"Are you sure?"
Hide smiled. He would do anything for his cute little brother.
"You bet! You and I are going to graduate college and be successful millionaires yet, bud!"
Kaneki frowned.
"If- if- we can't do this, you have to promise not to let me hurt you."
"Pffffttt! You couldn't hurt me if-"
"Hide!"
"Okay, okay, I promise. But, it's not gonna come to that. We're gonna beat this. I know it. We're going to change the world, Kaneki!"
And indeed they would.