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I woke up the next day around noon. I sat up in bed, stretched my arms and checked my phone for text messages or missed calls. Two texts. One was from Mercedes from around eight in the morning, which said, 'Visited finn wid brittany, n was hoping u'd be there. I'll call u later.' The other was from Finn which read 'thx 4 stayin with me last nite. :) im rly happy u guys did.' That made me grin like an idiot. Now that I felt refreshed, I decided it would be a much more pleasant visit. I took a quick shower and pulled on a colorfully striped polo shirt and white jeans. I turned on the straightening iron, combed my hair into the usual side-parted style, and straightened it a little. A cabinet in the kitchen held cereal, and I pulled a carton of milk out of the fridge. Tea was also a must. I decided to eat in the living room, and sat down on the couch in front of the TV. Desperate Housewives was on. I'd missed half the episode but I watched the rest anyway while devouring the cereal. I ended up having two and a half bowls.

I couldn't help but think about the events of yesterday. I wished that Finn hadn't left for Rachel's. I wished that he'd stayed with me. He would be in top shape, and no one would have had to worry or cry. Too much drama last night, I decided, drama that only looks good in the movies or on TV. I wondered if Rachel actually regretted something. Maybe she wished she hadn't called him over. Or maybe, more probably, she wished that she hadn't let him leave. I don't even know what I'd do if Finn actually spent the night at Rachel's place. I knew they had sex, but neither of them ever talked about it. If Finn spent the night with her, it would just enforce everyone's suspicions. I could go into a rant about how I was a better match for Finn than Quinn or Rachel, I could say that I had so much love for Finn, I could say that he was the person I wanted to grow old with, and I could say that life was unfair, life was unjust. But what would complaining about the situation accomplish? There was nothing to be gained from being desperate. So I'm biding my time, hoping for the moment when Finn realizes that I was always right here for him. He would see that I wouldn't sleep with his best friend, or break up with him for a guy from the rival team, or force him into sex.

I parked on the far end of the parking lot, and walked briskly towards the building. When I entered Finn's room, sure enough, Rachel was already there. She was sitting up on the bed with Finn with her head on his chest. Finn was wearing a sturdy-looking neck brace today and his arm was in a cast, same as yesterday. I smiled and waved to both of them. Rachel was in a great mood, and said 'hey' a little too enthusiastically.

"How you feelin', soldier?" I asked Finn playfully.

"Fine," he replied casually. "Even the headache's gone."

"That's wonderful," I said in my suggestive but innocent voice. It made him grin, so I got the desired result. "When are you getting out of here?"

"The doc said I'd recover at home just as well, so they might let me leave today, or maybe tomorrow," he said.

There was a knock on the door and Quinn poked her head inside and smiled. She walked in with a very large and expensive-looking bouquet and skipped over to Finn to give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek that lasted longer than it should have. Rachel looked displeased. She sat next to him on the bed and they exchanged the usual pleasantries. She had barely said three sentences when she turned to Rachel.

"Would you mind leaving us alone for a little while?" she asked very politely.

Rachel nodded quietly, and started towards the door. I followed. Outside in the corridor, she closed the door behind us.

"Take a little walk with me," Rachel said seriously and I couldn't think of a reason to say no. We started walking across the corridor.

"Listen, Rachel, is this about what I did last night?"

"No, Kurt. Although I didn't particularly enjoy that, I know that trying to keep you from doing it won't stop you, so I won't bother with nagging anymore. I know Finn, I know he won't betray me."

I thought the word 'betray' was a little dramatic. But then again, Rachel was the queen of drama queens. "Is that so?"

"Yes," she took a deep breath. "Finn isn't the most perceptive person in the world, Kurt. And you're very subtle. You don't have the confidence to say something to him outright. He probably doesn't even notice your little hints."

There it was again, a jab at my confidence. I didn't know what to say to that. "Okay."

"Kurt, why do you think I'm the bad guy here?" she asked, exasperated.

I honestly did not have an answer. The only reason I disliked her was because Finn liked her, and that wasn't very mature of me. I couldn't blame Finn for being straight, I couldn't blame him for liking her. She had tried too hard to get him after he ended his relationship with Quinn. As hard as I had tried. But in the end, she'd won. I knew that I, inevitably, would have to face the reality; that Finn was simply not into guys. Not into me. I sighed audibly.

We reached a wall, and turned to walk the other way.

"You don't know what it's like, Rachel," I said, my temper rising. "But I don't hate you, and I don't know what to say beyond that. Can you blame me for loving him? Can you?"

"And it's perfectly all right for you to blame me for getting jealous when you make your little moves?" she yelled out, but then took a few deep breaths. "There is nothing we can do to settle this, is there?"

"You could just sit back and let me have my try," I suggested, glaring at her.

"And you expect me to be comfortable with that?"

"No," I answered honestly. "You said you were confident that Finn would never cheat on you. Least of all with me. So you don't have anything to lose."

She thought it over but couldn't disagree. I could tell she was extremely uncomfortable with this conversation.

"Rachel, look," I said and closed my eyes. "It's not easy for me to see you hugging, holding hands, and making out with him right in front me. Don't you remember when he was with Quinn and she flaunted him in your face? Don't you remember how that hurt you?"

"But I-"

"Let me finish," I said more loudly than I should have. "He is no one's property. And the only way for me to get over him is to have my go at it, without you telling me not to. If I can't have him, I'll give up. If you continue it like this, he'll be the desirable forbidden fruit for me. You'll be gone for a few weeks anyway, and you don't have to see any of it."

"This is insane, Kurt! You're actually suggesting I gamble with the fidelity of my boyfriend. Do you have any idea how unreasonable that is? And how do you think he would react if he found out we were talking about you winning his love, like he has no choice of his own?"

"He will have a choice, Rachel. I won't impose anything on him. It will be his decision to make."

Her answer came after much thought. "Fine, have your attempt. I know for a fact that he won't cheat on me," she finished arrogantly.

"I appreciate it, Rachel," I said sincerely.

If I gave my best and still did not win his love, then I would simply get over him. There would be no more point in trying. I could tell that it took a lot of effort on Rachel's part to accept what I'd suggested. I was aware of how desperate I sounded, too. I was begging for someone who wasn't and probably wouldn't be mine. I wanted Finn with all my heart but I just as badly wanted to get over him if there was no chance of us being lovers. I probably wouldn't have even discussed this matter if I were in her place. I tried to think how I could show my gratitude, and decided to hug her. She was shocked and when I let go, she looked at me like I'd grown a second head. But I genuinely appreciated her open-mindedness to this matter.

I respected her a lot more after that conversation.

"Tell Finn I'll visit him in the evening," I told Rachel cheerfully and started making my way to the end of the corridor.

"Where you going?" she asked with intrigue.

She was possibly wondering what was more important to me than spending time with Finn.

"Something I gotta do," I called just before the elevator door closed.

It had been about two months since I had visited my mom's grave. The last time I came was when I was upset when we had lost the Regionals. Coming to her grave calmed me. It was sentimental of me, and the people who were used to my sassy and snappy side would be surprised at how serene I felt when I came here. Just to sit next to her grave and hum a song or two. Maybe voice my thoughts out loud, and laugh or cry out loud. It had been a long time since mom died. Ten years. It's a long period of time but I still remember her as she was. There was no chance I would feel any less for her, there was no chance I would ever forget about her. I had a habit of clinging to my emotions and to my memories. I couldn't let go of my mom in the same way I couldn't let go of Finn. It was simply not possible for me to give someone my love and then forget about them.

The cemetery was located on the outskirts of the city, and the far part of the graveyard merged with a forest. It was a quiet place; there was rarely any traffic on the road outside the cemetery. The sense of seclusion was relaxing. I parked my car near the gate, picked up the rose I'd bought from the dashboard, and locked the car up. Reaching my mom's grave took a few minutes; it wasn't near the entrance. It wasn't one of those new styled grid-like graveyards. There were graves in random arrangements. The area was grassy and there were lots of trees around but there was plenty of room to walk between the graves. I walked up my mom's and seated down on the grass next to it. There was a light summer breeze and the place was shaded by a tall tree. I was always comfortable when I sat here. I put the flower in the middle of the solid marble covering, kissed my hand, and placed it next to the rose. I pulled out my phone and turned it off, wanting nothing to disturb me for as long as I was here. I didn't say anything, but started humming the tune to One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey. I thought it was fitting.

Usually I said something silly into the air when I was here. I would tell mom about my day, if I had nothing else to talk about. Pretending she could listen, pretending like she was here. But today I said nothing. I had a lot to think about. I was happy, but not terribly excited. It was an odd state of emotion, but full of contentment. I knew I had a chance now, but didn't know how likely I was to succeed, so I wasn't counting on anything. I did, however, decide it was a good time to plan things out. Obviously, I couldn't be too blunt in making moves. Finn wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed but he wasn't stupid. He would notice it if I was too upfront, and he didn't take too kindly to obvious displays of affection from me. I wouldn't get another chance like this, though, so I needed to play this to the best of my ability. Ideas came and went through my head; ideas on how I could maximize my spending time with him. Of course, I would accompany him to all the physiotherapy sessions for his arm. Maybe I could take him out for shopping or movies, since he wouldn't be able to drive by himself 'til his arm mended. He would be dependent on me for a while, and I had no intention of letting this opportunity go. Maybe I was thinking too much about this, or maybe I wasn't thinking it through enough. I had no one to guide me on this and Finn was my first crush to whom I had this much access.

Truth be told, I could have gotten over him in a few months anyway. I could have made peace with that but some part of me would probably regret for a long time that I hadn't given it my all.

"Mom, I wonder if you'd like him," I said lightly and continued to hum.

I always kept my journal in my bag. I couldn't leave it lying around the house out of fear that my dad, or now, Finn or Carole would read it. Of course, what deep, dark secrets could a sixteen year old boy's journal contain? But everything in it was my own. If I had wanted everyone to know, I would have written it on my forehead. It wasn't a diary to me. Instead of writing about my day, I wrote random thoughts. I picked up my bag from the backseat of the car and pulled it out. The cover was plain, brown leather held together by a spiral binding. I wasn't in the mood to write anything, so I flipped through the pages, looking over random entries I'd made over the last year. I stopped at one entry I had made about five months ago...

People all over the world are connected by their actions. It sounds like a very comical hippy concept, but I have full belief in it. The truly stupid are the ones that don't learn from the mistakes of their predecessors, my dad told me. But I'd never looked at anyone else's experience. Learning has always been a big part of my life, but learning from the consequences of my own actions. But I had read somewhere that 'the proof that experience is of no use, is that the end of one love does not prevent us from beginning another.' Will Finn be one such experience? It seems like I'm obsessed with love, and I want to be 'somebody's somebody' very desperately. I'm not proud of that but I know I'm no good alone. I'm amazed at the people who don't seem to care for love. Yesterday, I bought a small pack of razor blades. I wanted to cut myself. To bleed the pain away, as dramatic and emo as that sounds. It reminded me of the time when I was twelve and caught a sparrow with a small trap I'd made with a cardboard box. I don't remember why I'd caught it but I do remember holding it in my hand and looking at it closely. Then I had used my other hand to break its neck. What was I thinking? I took a life. It was an animal's life, but it was a life, nonetheless! I conclude that I was a troubled little kid. But it takes a special kind of disgust in life for self-mutilation so, of course, I didn't cut myself. I threw the blades away. That was one learning experience for me. And that is something I am proud of.

I closed the journal and looked out in front of me. I was in the car, still parked outside of the cemetery. I pulled out my phone and turned it on. The time was five P.M.. There was one voice mail message from Mercedes from an hour ago. I opened it and put the phone to my ear.

"Hey, Kurt. Where are you? First I didn't catch you at the hospital and now you've turned your phone off. Everything all right? Or are you ignoring me? I'm gonna assume you are if you don't call back. 'Bye."

I called her back.

"Hello, Mercedes," I tried to force myself to sound happy.

"Hey!"

"Sounds like you're in a good mood."

"I am. I'm at the mall right now with Tina and some of us from the club are gonna go to for pizza and then movies. You in?"

"I don't really feel like hanging out tonight."

"You sound like you need some cheering up. Even Rachel's coming, you know. It's actually for her. She's leaving tomorrow night for the first show in Cleveland."

"You guys have fun. I'll be with Finn," I said automatically.

"Okay, have your alone time with Finn," she said teasingly. Nothing could ruin her mood when she was happy enough.

"Thanks, Mercedes. Love you."

"Love ya, too. 'Bye."

I put the journal back in my bag, and started the car.

The ride to the hospital didn't take long and when I went up to Finn's room he was there alone. No Rachel, no Carole, no Quinn. No one to disturb the conversation I was thinking to make. I didn't want to waste any more time keeping things from Finn. I had to wait until Rachel left the city, though. And I didn't want to spring anything on him. I was thankful that Finn was alive and it had made me realize how unpredictable life is, how short it is to think everything through. Sometimes impulse was the best way to go.

His eyes were closed but I could tell that he was awake. I walked in and sat next to him. He opened his eyes.

"Kurt," he said with a smile. "Where were you?"

"Had to go clear my head," I replied softly.

"Hmm."

"So, Rachel's leaving tomorrow, huh."

"Yeah. Sure am gonna miss her."

"That makes one of us."

Finn chuckled.

I took his hand into mine, but I could tell from the expression on his face that he wasn't comfortable with that, so I let it go.

"You kissed me last night."

The abrupt statement made me cringe. "Yes."

"Was it to annoy Rachel?"

"Not entirely," I blushed and I could feel my heart going a mile a minute. "Did you like it?"

"Your lips are soft."

I don't remember blushing harder in my whole life. "That's the drugs talking, Finn."

"It's true," he smiled sweetly.

I held his hand again and this time he didn't show any sign of discomfort. I rubbed the side of his hand with my thumb.

"Don't tell anyone I said that," he said hastily. "Not even Mercedes."

I was taken aback by his need to hide. If Finn had one flaw, it was that he took what others said too seriously.

"I wish I could go home with you tonight," he said thoughtfully. "But Carole talked to the doctor and he said I had to stay until tomorrow. I miss our room."

I smiled at the longing in his voice. "What's another twelve hours? I can stay with you 'til then, if you want me to."

"Nah, it's okay," he said honestly, and part of me wished he'd insisted I stay.

"Fine, but I'll at least stay for a few hours."

"I'd really like that."

I decided not to flirt with him for the rest of the night. I didn't want to make him feel awkward. Finn was coming out of his shell to me and I wanted to make it easy for him. So, for the next two hours we talked about movies, music, the club, and made some plans for after his neck healed. I let Finn take the conversation in any direction he wanted. Finn couldn't play sports until his arm healed, which would take at least a month, which meant he wouldn't be seeing much of his friends from the school team. And Rachel wouldn't be taking up all his free time. There was lots of room in his schedule. I wanted to make the most of it.

It was the best conversation I'd ever had.

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