Hack and Backslash

Disclaimer: The following segment features excessive crass and crude humor. You have been warned.

Also, I love the nation of Israel.

There is a base Herefordshire, England. During the Second Great War, the base had been used by the English Commonwealth forces as a staging and training camp for their special commando units against the overwhelming Nazi threat. Although it held no airfield or means of quick transportation, the base had been used to train for and plan operations that would eventually lead to the end of the war and dispel the dark shadow that loomed over Europe.

In the heart of the base was a multiple story red brick building. At the time, it had been the command central of the base, filled with officers, secretaries and top secret documents that could change the fate of the world. Yet, as time went on, the old building would be left behind as a relic of an age gone by. Pen and paper would be replaced by keyboards and monitors, canvas maps would eventually be turned into electronic images on floppy discs, and in turn, they would turn to CD's and eventually electrons on server spaces. Yet all the while, the old brick building would sit vacant.

But then, a new use was discovered for the structure: close quarters combat, live fire range simulator. Today was no different, live rounds were being used, but it was not for training. That is for sure.

Defending a compressed air container full of noxious fart gas, Sataya Vaswani, or better known by her preferred name, "Symnainini" was busy laughing incoherently as she waddled in circles around the room. Wearing an adult sized Spongebob themed diaper, a full-sized bathtub helmet, and a blue shirt that read, "Please be patient, I have autism." Symmetra stumbled her way to the entrances of the room with her hands up by her shoulders with her elbows locked shut. While not breaking the seal of her locked elbows, she reached her hands down into her diaper and pulled out an automated turret, before using tard-strength to fling it and plant the device into the wall. The action of throwing the expensive piece of equipment at the wall caused her to laugh in a way that make the common man think that it was the punchline to the funniest joke in the world.

Finished with first doorway, Symmetra was about to move on to the next opening when a shot rang out. The savant looked up at her work and saw that her turret had been destroyed. Taking a deep breath, the Indian woman's face became as red as a freshly cooked sugar beet as she let out a Short-Bus-Battle cry.

She turned, ready to unleash all trisomy 21 kinds of hell after whoever destroyed her toy, but then another shot went out, smearing her extra chromosomes against the opposite wall.

Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the complex, a rather obese Italian man was lying on his back, phone in one hand and salami in the other while a big toothy grin was spread across his face. He tapped the corner of his smudged phone with his minestrone covered thumb, and on the other side of the connection, a young Japanese woman who was attempting to lay a breaching charge on a wall was immediately shocked in the ass, forcing her to turn around in search of the perpetrator.

His current chorus of chuckles caused his bread rolls to jostle as the woman fired repeatedly at his bulletproof camera, but to no avail. He was about to continue the game once more when his phone went dead and the only thing on the image was a purple skull.

He started shouting at his phone in Italian, saying, "Beepityboppitybeededeybloppodybloppedy boo!" causing such a commotion that he couldn't get away from the wall in time before the woman he tormented earlier detonated her charge, turning him into one spicy meatball.

Bombsite clear, Grace "Dokkaebi" Nam pressed the mag release on her DMR, pulling the magazine up out of the action and then releasing it, letting gravity take it to the ground. Reloading, she inserted another one before sliding the rifle over her back on its sling and pulled her suppressed SMG from its enlarged leg holster. Like she had trained to do countless times, she spun around on the rappel line on the outside of the building and felt a wave of relief as the blood flowed away from her head. Without hesitation, she jumped away from the window and swung into the opening, landing squarely into the room with the freshly iced autist at her feet.

She checked her corners, making sure one final time that the area was clear before crouching down. From behind her back, she pulled out a military briefcase and popped the case open. Using one hand, she adjust her hipster shades and combed her black and white stripped hair across her forehead while preparing the defuser for the bomb.

"Easy…" the Korean woman thought, "Almost too easy…"

By the power of convenience, the display on the large computer went dead, and in its place was a bouncing Calavera skull.

Immediately, Dokkaebi stood with her gun at the ready, and standing before her was another aggressor, but for as in-the-zone as she was, she paused at the sight of the intruder. She had never met the person standing before her in person, but she had heard of her through the internet. It was Sombra, supposedly the best hacker in the plannet.

The black clad Korean Commando and hot pink and purple popping Mexican stared each other down and came to a silent conclusion that- while probably the fastest way to solve the problem- guns were not the proper tool to deal with this issue.

The two mirrored each other, slowly lowering the business ends of their guns and inspecting the tools of their trade.

Obnoxious hairstyle: Check

Stupid eyewear: Check

Computer on hand at all times: Check

Undeniable scent of Dorito dust: Check

Sub Machine Gun: Check

Diversity Hire: Check

Repressed Daddy Issues: Undoubtedly

Oh, it was on.

At the speed of a vapid White Knight coming to M'lady's aid, both shot to their virtual devices. Sombra spread out her hands and created a virtual desktop made of light while Dokkaebi pulled her tablet from the insert on the front of her breastplate. Without any prompt, "Running in the 90's" began playing from both of their devices as their fingers shot across the keyboard at speeds uncharted by mere man.

They both dashed at each other virtual throats with a direct hack and failed, after that, they attempted to compromise each other's VPN, to find each other's armor impenetrable. They sent fake bomb threats to each other's workplace, doxed each other's mother, and even tried to use free Hotpocket ads as Trojan Horses.

But it was at that moment that both came to the understanding that neither was just a normal Script Kiddie. The only way to take their opponent down was the same way God killed the dinosaurs. To cause the greatest fucking Scorched Earth shitshow the World Wide Web had ever seen. The Chinese bridge troll and the 1337 Illegal were going to have to pull out all of the stops for this one.

They dug into their computers and rallied their armies across all of the chans and somethingawfuls and prepared their troops for the Gay Ops to end all Gay Ops. Consequences would never be the same.

Like Archduke Ferdinand getting capped by a damn peasant, Pornhub was the first victim of the war, not being struck down by a 9mm, but a DDos strike causing the biggest case of blueballs since the end of The Fappening.

Next was Reddit, its pseudointellectual debates by neckbeards about incest and the age of consent being completely purged from the internet forever.

Then, every video on Youtube, from the disguised Cheese Pizza channels, to nude "Art" livestreams, and every dog and cat video were deleted and replaced with Never gonna Give you Up by Rick Astley.

DarksydePhil was swatted, and every other Thot on Twitch was arrested by the IRS.

Every single auction across EBay, Craigslist, and Gunbroker was bought, finalized, and sent to George Soros' residence.

The homepage of Tumblr was brought down and replaced with a blank screen with the words, "There are only two genders".

Every Resident Evil forum was spammed with the topic, "Ashley is Best Waifu."

The logo for the Federal Bureau of Investigation was photoshopped and replaced with the words, "Female Body Inspectors".

Trojan horses were simultaneously sent to Microsoft and Sony which immediately bricked every console hooked up to their respective online services.

President Donald Trump's Twitter account was mass flagged and deleted.

All of Nigeria was taken offline. Nobody noticed until 16 months later when spam filters were unusually vacant.

Every LGBTQ support group was hacked and their logo was replaced by the name, "Let God Burn Them Quickly."

Minecraft servers were taken offline and a false developer update was made instructing users to delete System32 to fix compatibility issues.

The search algorithms for every major search engine on the internet was corrupted and answered every query with the response, "Are traps gay?"

All of Anonymous was revealed, arrested, and brought before a United Nations Human Rights tribunal for their crimes of dramatic faggotry.

Your (yes, you.) Fanfiction account was hacked and all of your shitty shipfics were purged for degeneracy.

Messages were spread amongst all white nationalist and identity related websites calling for funding in order to "Send the sandniggers back where they came", and all proceeds went directly to funding the Military Industrial Complex of Israel

Furaffinity, Deviantart and inkbunny were taken down and their web domains were purchased and replaced with a gif of FilthyFrank saying, "Its Time to Stop!"

An announcement was made on Steam revealing the long awaited demo for Half Life 2 Episode 3, but when booted up, the file was revealed to be an unmodded version of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.

Back in Herefordshire, England, both Dokkaebi and Sombra prepared their last resort for each other. Booting up " " both wizkidz activated the program and hit enter at the same time, causing the processors of both of their units to go into overdrive and causing both to explode in stunning showers of sparks simultaneously. But they didn't even notice that their weapon of choice had been disarmed, for as sure of their victory they were that as soon as they slapped enter, they discarded their portable computers, stood up and pointed at each other and shouted, "HA!"

Perfect mirrors of their other, both Sombra and Dokkaebi were frozen in their places as they both claimed victory over each other. Sweat was rolling down their brows and chests were heaving over the display of Aspergery that the world had never seen before, but regardless, their pointed fingers remained transfixed on each other, for giving up an inch at this point would make all their effort be for waste.

The world outside of the lonely brick building in Hereford was in complete shambles. /pol/ Nazis were marching in the streets, /b/tards were raiding their local electronics shops and uploading farm animal porn onto the demo computers. Red Pilled MRA's and blue haired feminists were engaging in mortal Kombat at their respective slam poetry bars. Dogs were fucking cats, and news anchors all over the world were giving interviews to individuals claiming to be "The Infamous Hacker known as 4 Chan". Incels were rising up all over the globe on a crusade in the name of Saint Elliot of Isla Vista. Pools all around the world were closed due to aids in the water, and Internet Talkshow hosts were upset that the Government was found to be putting chemicals in the water that caused frogs to become homosexual. Without provocation, Vladimir Putin had authorized Tactical Nuke strikes against the server farms in India in order to "Purge the gay off the Internet."

But none of that mattered to our two superhackers. No, all casualties in their internet war were justified at this point as long as they were the one to win in this final game of Chicken.

Then, with the same synchronization that their retarded internet war had been waged with, two shots rang out, bullets colliding with both of their heads in unison and making their internet greymatter collide in their air as both combatants fell to the ground in a draw.

From around opposite entrances to the room, two men entered and looked down upon the bodies of the tech wizards at their feet. One wore black cargo pants and a white sports jacket with the number "76" on the back. The other had a shield attached to his rifle, wore desert camouflage and a big bushy beard on his chin.

The two gave the dead bodies of their respective tech specialists a kick before looking at each other with a look that could only be described as casual ignorance as to what was going on. The masked man in the sports jacket lowered his rifle and reached into his coat, pulling out a pressurized can filled with a highly caffeinated beverage and cracked it open, saying, "Ghost in the Shell was a pretty cool cartoon." Before taking a long sip of his even longer beverage.

Joining in, the man with the big black beard opened his own silvery can and added, "Yep, and Deus Ex was a pretty good game, too." Before taking his own sip.

Cast your votes for next week's story; BoomerBeard and Boomer:76 go on a race war with John Deeres or Sledge and Reinhardt compare hammers in the Sauna.

Be sure to leave your comments below.

I am so going to hell for writing this…