Sacrifice of Angels
By ChrisTR
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From fairest creatures we desire increase,
That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decrease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light's flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.
Thou art now the world's fresh ornament,
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content,
And, tender curl, mak'st waste in niggarding.
Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.
-William Shakespeare, Sonnettes
****************************************
Part 4 - Secrets
As they walked down the corridors to her quarters, B'Elanna Torres tried to figure out what had happened to Tom. When he had come to SickBay to pick her up, she expected the usual cocky remarks. But, on the contrary, Tom had showed nothing but genuine concern for her. He has asked her to trust him. But however hard she tried, however much she wanted to trust him, she couldn't. She just couldn't trust a man with a reputation like Tom's- But she had to admit that he had changed. Over the time, she had learned that the arrogant, uncaring and sometimes even rude womanizer Tom Paris the rumours described was not his true self. Under the mask that he wore, was a caring, sympathetic, sometimes even vulnerable man. It just wasn't too often that he let down that mask and exposed that side of his soul. She wondered why now.
When they arrived at her quarters, B'Elanna tapped in her authorisation code, and the door opened. She stepped through it and when she heard Tom enter, she turned and looked at him.
'Okay, Tom, I'm gonna be fine. You don't have to waste your time on me. Thanks for your help.'
'You're not a waste of time for me, B'Elanna. Besides, I'm not going to leave until I have you in bed.'
B'Elanna could feel the blood rushing through her temples.
'What?!'
Tom winced when he finally noticed how...supspicious that must have sound.
'I mean..oh, hell, you know what I meant. It's not that…' *Yes it is* **Shut up** 'I didn't mean it that way, I just..I'm worried about you…and…'
Tom could feel her uneasyness, or at least, his own. He turned half-way around. 'I'll come to see after you tomorrow. Goodnight B'Elanna.' he said briskly.
He quickly turned and started walking, but was rather startled when he felt her holding him back.
'Tom, I..' He turned to face her and looked at his feet. After a few seconds he finally had enough courage to look straight into her eyes.
'I..I want..to..Tom! stop it! I can't concentrate when you look at me like that!' she exclaimed.
'B'Elanna,...' Tom began, but she softly put a finger over his lips.
'No.' she said gently, but firmly. She took a deep breath. 'I'd like to apologize, Tom. I wasn't fair to you, I didn't even give you a chance after..' Her voice trailed off.
'It's okay B'Elanna. I understand your reaction. I mean, you were heavily injured after all, and that *did* sound a bit..'
'Tom, I'm not talking about what happened in SickBay or right now.' She sighed.
'After the incident with the Cataati and our little..talk, well, I have avoided you, and I have been a bit..rude. I just wanted to..' she stopped suddenly when she saw Ensigns Wildman and Kim walking past. When they were past them, Harry looked over his shoulder and watched his friends. He saw that B'Elanna was looking embarassed and couldn't help it. He laughed softly.
When Harry and Samantha were around the corner, B'Elanna started talking again.
'Um..would you mind if we discussed this somewhere more private?'
'Allright. Your quarters or mine?' he said with a boyish grin, immediately switching to Paris-the-Pig mode.
B'Elanna grunted in disgust, but Tom could see the humour in her eyes.
'Pig.' she snorted entering her room, but nevertheless invited him to join her.
'Yes, ma'am. I'm all yours.' he retorted and followed her.
Inside her quarters, B'Elanna gestured to a couch, told him to sit, and headed to the replicator.
'Want something?'
'A RakhT'hagino?'
She turned to the replicator and activated it.
'Two RakhT'haginos, charge on account Torres-Beta-1.'
'Computer, cancel that.' She heard Tom's voice and looked at him in surprise. He shrugged. 'Your quarters, I pay the drinks.' he said with a smirk.'Computer, charge on account Paris-Charlie-3.'
Seconds later, two cups materialized on the pad. B'Elanna took them and went over to the couch. She passed Tom one of the cups and sat on the other end of the couch.
For the moment, there was silence. B'Elanna looked a out of the windows, watching the stars flash past them. *The stars...*
She still couldn't believe it. They actually were back in the Alpha-Quadrant at last, and she didn't really care. She had accepted the fact that they were never going to return home, and now here they were. *Home..* she thought bitterly *for the past 4 years, Voyager has been my home, and I liked it. Hell, I'm probably the only one onboard who's not happy to be here.* She glanced at Tom, seeing that he too was miles away. He stared at his cup. *At least *he*'s got a family and a live to return to; like most of the crew. And unlike me; mother probably won't even speak to me.* she thought bitterly.
Inside Tom's head reigned utter confusion. He wondered what it was what B'Elanna had wanted to tell him. He loked over at her, and saw her watching the stars, an odd expression on her face. He shuddered. It was more comforting to look at his cup.
When after a while, she still hadn't said anything, his mind started wandering. So, they at last made it back home. The whole crew was on a joyride. Well, not the whole crew, anyway. *She doesn't seem too happy to have returned neither. I wonder why; at least she's still got her mother.* An image of his own mother came to his mind. She had died some time ago, and he missed her. *I wonder if Dad will talk to me now. Probably not.* he thought miserably. *At least I have Lissie to look forward to meating.* His younger sister Elizabeth would be 22 by now. *I wonder what she's been doing all this time.* He hadn't talked to her since before he joined the Maquis. During his time in prison, she had wanted to visit him, but their father had prevented her from doing so. The only way he could talk to her had been the letters they sent each other regularly. During his years in
prison, he had learned to really value his sister. *She has always been there
for me. Yes, I definetively look froward to meeting her.* He smiled.
He turned to look at B'Elanna, and when their eyes locked, she quickly turned away. Tom reached over and put a hand on B'Elanna's arm. He felt her shudder.'What is it?' he asked softly.
She turned to look at him, and her brown chocolate eyes met his.
She shrugged.
'I..was thinking of my mother.' She tried to keep her voice casual, and failed miserably.
Tom could hear the anguish in it. He shifted nervously. Knowing about her somewhat unusual relationship with her mother, he didn't quite know how to react. Finally, he finished by moving closer to her and taking her hand. He squeezed it reassuringly. B'Elanna looked at their hands and for a moment felt a bit better. *Strange,* she thought to
herself *of all the men, Tom, the womanizer, the traitor, is the only one who can make me feel safe and comforted. Apart from big brother Chakotay of course. I wish I could trust him..* But nonetheless she decided that, only tonight, she would allow herself to open up
a bit. She never had liked the idea of talking about her feelings. Especially to men. Especially to Tom Paris. But, funny enough, she had a feeling that he would understand her, more than anyone else. She softly ran her thumb over his hand and when she looked up to meet his eyes, she noticed that he was staring at his hand.
When Tom noticed her smile, he blushed slightly and looked into her deep eyes. He felt a wave of joy and contention crush over him. At last, it seemed that she was willing to let down her walls a bit. The fact that she did it in *his* presence made him happy and nervous at the same time. Oh, he had no illusions about how this would end. He did not know what she had lived through before Voyager, but what he did know was that she had problems trusting people. Especially men. Especially Tom Paris, himself. Over the past 4 years, and especially over the past few months he had worked hard to earn her trust. He had suceeded in so far that she was one of his best and closest friends. But he had a feeling that she did not trust him completely, with her heart. He knew he loved this woman. He had admitted it to himself a long time ago. Whenever he saw her, his heart started beating
faster and faster, his pulse, and his hormon glands as it occurs, accelerated. But he knew, he hoped, that this was not just a fling. He wanted a lasting relationship. But, before, he had to prove her, and himself, that he was ready for one. And he intended to do so.
After some long minutes, he spoke again. 'What about your mother, B'Elanna?' he asked
softly.
'I…don't know how she will react when -- if -- I return to her.' She surprised herself by saying, 'I don't know if I should return to her. I'm not really sure if I'm that happy that we have returned.' Tom was surprised to hear this. *Now, this is something new* he thought. B'Elanna breathed deeply. ' I've got nothing to look forward to. Ever since my..my father left us, my relationship with my mother was..difficult. She got more Klingon every day, and I tried more and more to hide my Klingon side. I think she dispised me for that. I think she still does.' She said, on the verge of tears. She loved and missed her mother, even if she pretended not to.
' 'Lanna, she's your mother! She still loves you, and you know that too.'
Suddenly, B'Elanna was filled with anger. 'Who are you to tell me this?' she raged. 'It's easy for you! You have a family, a life to return to. Your father's an admiral. He'll look after it that StarFleet promotes you to Commander before the end of the year!'
Now, Tom was enraged too. *How dare she do this?* 'Oh, you think so? Well, in case you forgot, the *Admiral*, my father, disowned me after I was sentenced to New Zealand Prison. We haven't talked a word to each other for years. He will hardly support my dashing Starfleet career.' He grunted 'He'll probably just convince his high-ranked friends to kick me out. You can't seriously believe that, once we have returned to the Federation,
I'll just leave Voyager and the only real friends I have, and start hob-nobbing with the cream of StarFleetCommand. Nothing awaits me in the Alpha-Quadrant. Except for my sister, I haven't got any family left whom I enjoy thinking about, my *friends*' , he practically spat the word out, 'dumped me when I was sent to prison, and among the Maquis, I'm not that popular either. Perhaps StarFleet won't imprison me again, but it's
unlikely that they let me keep my rank or even let me stay on this ship. If it weren't for the rest of the crew, I wouldn't have minded if we had stayed in the Delta-Quadrant. Hell, I liked it there, it gave me the chance to start a new life.' He stood up and walked over to the window, furious with the world itself, furious with everyone, but mostly with himself.
*Fool!* a surprisingly soft voice sounded in his head. *What have you done? You just yelled at the only person who you care about more than about anyone else.*
He felt the tears in his eyes, and fought hard to hold them back. Apparently, it was of no use, for he heard the sobbing only seconds after. It took him a while to realize that it was not him. B'Elanna sat on the couch, her face covered in her hands. *Paris, you idiot! See what you have done?* He walked over to the couch, and kneeled in front of B'Elanna. His
arm reached out to touch her hands. She struggled at the beginning, but stopped when she realized that he *did* want to help her, and finished by snuggling up next to Tom. He wrapped his arms around her, and cradled her softly, rocking her forth and back. His hand run up and down her spine in what he hoped was a comforting way. With the other hand, he held her head against his shoulder and pressed his face against her soft hair, inhaling her scent. He could hear her gently sobbing. He didn't exactly know why she was crying, and he didn't really care either. All he wanted was to comfort, to hold her, and to never let go of her. 'Shhhhhh...it's okay. I'm here; it will be fine.' he whispered in her ear. He could hear her whisper something.
'Don't...leave me..please...'
'I won't. I promise I won't; I'll be here whenever you need me.' It was a promise he intended to keep. 'It's allright. Let it out. It's allright…'
He cradled her in his arms until he didn't hear her cry anymore. Then, he reluctantly released her out of his embrace. He could see her tear-stroken face, the pain in her red eyes, and it almost broke his heart. His hand reached under her chin, and gently forced her to look at him. 'I'm sorry, Tom. I didn't know you...' she began.
Tom shushed her. 'There's nothing you need to be sorry about, 'Lanna. It's me who should apologize. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that, I'm sorry. I really am.' He caressed her cheek with one head and wiped the tears and hair out of her face. He could feel her frown. 'You...you mean too much to me, and...'
'Oh, Tom...I...'
'...and I never wanted to hurt you. It's just when you mentioned my father and my family, I just..snapped out' He could feel a single tear running down his face. 'Please, 'Lanna, please forgive me. It was wrong, and I didn't want to do that, I really didn't. I...'
*Tell her! Now's the time. Tell her that you love her. Tell her, you fool!* But B'Elanna beat him to it.
She wiped the tear of his face and he let her caress it slowly. He took her hand and kissed it gently.
'It's allright Tom, it was not your fault..I..didn't want to hurt you. You have always been there for me. In that Vidiian Prison, in the caves on Sakari..please, I really didn't want this to happen.'
'I know, B'Elanna, I know.' He murmures softly.
She put her arms around him, and held him tightly. Tom was grateful for it, for he could feel the tears in his eyes. He could feel her running her hand through his blonde hair. When he felt he could trust his eyes again, he softly pulled away and looked in her eyes, slowly leaning down, wanting to kiss her. When he noticed her frown, he stopped himself. He did not want to pressurize or push her to something she didn't want to.
Instead he leaned his forhead on hers, and looked in her dark eyes, their faces nearly touching each other. B'Elanna closed her eyes, enjoying this special moment. A comfortable silence embraced them.
Tom looked at her, a dreaming look in his eyes, and a genuine smile on his lips. *She looks so peaceful..* he thought dreamily. He could feel her warm breath against his face, and he sensed the smell of her shampoo. *Gods...*
The little voice in Tom's head came to life again. *Tell her. Tell her, now.* **I can't** *What do you mean you can't? You love her don't you?* **Why, yes I do** *Then tell her you jerk!* **Now, don't get personal. I warn you** *What you mean don't get personal! Gods, I don't believe I'm actually talking to you, instead of...* **instead of..?**
*Oh, be quiet* Nontheless he decided he had to say something to break the silence. With her face so near to his, he could only think of one thing.
'You are the most beautiful woman I ever met, B'Elanna.' he whispered, so low that B'Elanna couldn't possibly hear it. She opened her eyes slowly and looked at him. 'Sorry, did you just say anything?'
He gazed at her dark, brown eyes, and he thought he looked right at her soul. 'I said you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met.' he said softly.
For a moment she looked at him, in amazement. But quickly the joy he could see on her face turned into shock, and an hurt look came to her eyes. Suddenly, she stood up. Tom noticed the change in her tone when she spoke after a few seconds. 'Don't.' she said coldly.
Tom was scared by the bitterness in her voice. He didn't understand what had gone so wrong.
'Don't what?' he asked, totally confused.
B'Elanna looked at him in a strange way, before she turned her head and stared at the floor.
'Don..' she gulped nervously. 'Please, don't…lie to me.' Her voice sounded hurt and pleaful. When she heard no reply, she gathered all her klingon courage, and looked at him. She saw the confused look he had on his face.
Tom was utterly at a loss of words. He tried to figure out when he supposedly lied to her. He shot a quick glance at B'Elanna, and he saw the tears in her eyes. When the meaning of her words slowly dawned to him, he felt as if someone had punched him right in the face. *How can she seriously…*
He felt the urge to wrap his arms around her and to comfort her, but he decided he would regret it, if he did it right now. Instead he just stood up.
When B'Elanna noticed Tom's painful look, she couldn't stand it anymore. She turned to the window and looked at the stars again, a single tear running down her cheek. Through the tears she saw Tom's reflection in the window, coming nearer.
He made his way slowly, until he stood behind B'Elanna. Uncertain of what to do next, he put his hands on her shoulders and played with a single curl of her dark hair. Tom could feel her tensen at his touch and stopped himself. 'B'Elanna, I did not lie to you. You are beautiful. Everything about you is.' he whispered.
Apparently that did not convince her at all. She jerked away and positioned herself in front of him.
'You are not saying you find these beautiful, are you!' she challenged, vaguely gesturing towards her klingon ridges. Tom hardly heard the next words at all. 'No-one does...no-one.' she whispered bitterly.
The pain in her voice almost broke Tom's heart. Slowly he walked closer to B'Elanna, who kept avoiding any physical contact with him, until she could feel the wall behind her back. Ignoring her frightful expression, Tom gently cupped her face with his hands, caressing, and effectively pinning her against the wall with his body. B'Elanna tried to speak, but he placed a finger on her lips. Intuitively, she wanted to fight him, fearing that
he might decide to take advantage of her in this situation. B'Elanna could not imagine Tom would do anything like that, but it left a nagging doubt, nervertheless. She was to weak to fight, and she was not entirely sure if she should or not..or if she wanted to.
Their faces merely inches apart, he could see her scared look. He slowly leant over to her, and placed a soft, loving kiss on her forehead. Then he looked into her wonderful eyes, and waited for a reaction. When none did come, he wiped the tear from her face and lovingly caressed her cheek. 'I don't care about the others, B'Elanna. To me they are beautiful. They are, because they are a part of you, of what you are. And to me, you truly
are the most beautiful beeing in existence. Believe me that.' His lips gently touched her forehead again.
B'Elanna could not speak. She could not think coherently. All she could do was to stare at this man, who was telling her she was the most beautiful thing in the universe. She wanted to say something, but all she could do was to stutter.
'Shhh.' Tom said softly, 'it's allright. I really mean it.'
'Oh Tom…' B'Elanna put her hands on his chest, and rested her head against it.
Tom felt as if a heavy burden had been taken away from him. He had some doubts that she fully believed him, but for now, it was enough being able to hold her, to comfort her. He put the nagging doubts in his head aside, and fully concentrated on the here and now. He placed his chin on her head, and he heard her sigh contentedly as he enfolded her in a loving embrace.
'B'Elanna Torres, did you just purr at me?' he asked silently, unable to stop himself from smiling softly.
The only response were some other approving noises from her throat.
*Gods, this is heaven!* he told himself.
'There's something I have to tell you..' he said after a while.
'Hm?'
'I..I have to tell you the truth...'
'The truth about what?'she asked confusedly, her voice nothing more than a soft whisper.
'I..I..'
*Christ, I thought this was getting easier in time*
Unfortunately, he was saved.
*Chirp*
'Bridge to Lt. Paris'
*Captain, you have the worst sense of timing!* Tom thought angrily, then the full impact of her voice speaking to him became evident *So, she's in command again.* He sighed. He would miss the Boss' chair.
'Go ahead' he said, never stopping looking at B'Elanna's eyes.
'We have just arrived at StarBase 89. Please report to the Conference lounge, we have some guests here who want to talk to you.' Janeway's voice had a strange tone.
'Acknowledged. I'm on my way. Paris out.'
Tom sighed. He looked intensively at B'Elanna, and then decided that she could only kill him once. He leaned over, lifted her chin and lightly brushed over her lips with his own, carefully, as if to see how she would react. When he pulled away, she gently caressed his face and looked at him. B'Elanna could see the love in his eyes. She said nothing, but only smiled warmly. For Tom, that smile, full of emotion, meant everything.
Reluctantly he freed B'Elanna from his embrace and walked to the door.'We'll talk later, B'Ela.' And then he stepped through the doorway and left.
When he was gone, B'Elanna Torres' smile grew. He had called her B'Ela. Only her father had called her this way before, and she loved it.
Her lips still tinkled from that soft kiss Tom had given her
She went back ton the couch, and sat on it, turned to the stars, and watched them. They seemed so beautiful now. After only a few minutes, she fell asleep. Eventually, SB89 came into sight, slowly drifting accros space, when Voyager docked. They were home at last. Perhaps it hadn't been such a bad day after all.
************************************************
Thy voice is on the rolling air;
I hear thee where the waters run;
Thou standest in the rising sun,
And in the setting thou art fair.
What art thou then? I cannot guess:
But tho' I seem in star and flower
To feel thee some diffusive power
I do not therefore love thee less
My love involves the love before;
My love is vaster passion now;
Tho' mix'd with God and Nature now;
I seem to love thee more and more.
Far off thou art, but ever nigh;
I have thee still, and I rejoice;
I prosper, circled with thy voice;
I shall not lose thee tho' I die.
Alfred Tennyson, In Memorian A.H.H
************************************************
By ChrisTR
****************************************
From fairest creatures we desire increase,
That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decrease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light's flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.
Thou art now the world's fresh ornament,
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content,
And, tender curl, mak'st waste in niggarding.
Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.
-William Shakespeare, Sonnettes
****************************************
Part 4 - Secrets
As they walked down the corridors to her quarters, B'Elanna Torres tried to figure out what had happened to Tom. When he had come to SickBay to pick her up, she expected the usual cocky remarks. But, on the contrary, Tom had showed nothing but genuine concern for her. He has asked her to trust him. But however hard she tried, however much she wanted to trust him, she couldn't. She just couldn't trust a man with a reputation like Tom's- But she had to admit that he had changed. Over the time, she had learned that the arrogant, uncaring and sometimes even rude womanizer Tom Paris the rumours described was not his true self. Under the mask that he wore, was a caring, sympathetic, sometimes even vulnerable man. It just wasn't too often that he let down that mask and exposed that side of his soul. She wondered why now.
When they arrived at her quarters, B'Elanna tapped in her authorisation code, and the door opened. She stepped through it and when she heard Tom enter, she turned and looked at him.
'Okay, Tom, I'm gonna be fine. You don't have to waste your time on me. Thanks for your help.'
'You're not a waste of time for me, B'Elanna. Besides, I'm not going to leave until I have you in bed.'
B'Elanna could feel the blood rushing through her temples.
'What?!'
Tom winced when he finally noticed how...supspicious that must have sound.
'I mean..oh, hell, you know what I meant. It's not that…' *Yes it is* **Shut up** 'I didn't mean it that way, I just..I'm worried about you…and…'
Tom could feel her uneasyness, or at least, his own. He turned half-way around. 'I'll come to see after you tomorrow. Goodnight B'Elanna.' he said briskly.
He quickly turned and started walking, but was rather startled when he felt her holding him back.
'Tom, I..' He turned to face her and looked at his feet. After a few seconds he finally had enough courage to look straight into her eyes.
'I..I want..to..Tom! stop it! I can't concentrate when you look at me like that!' she exclaimed.
'B'Elanna,...' Tom began, but she softly put a finger over his lips.
'No.' she said gently, but firmly. She took a deep breath. 'I'd like to apologize, Tom. I wasn't fair to you, I didn't even give you a chance after..' Her voice trailed off.
'It's okay B'Elanna. I understand your reaction. I mean, you were heavily injured after all, and that *did* sound a bit..'
'Tom, I'm not talking about what happened in SickBay or right now.' She sighed.
'After the incident with the Cataati and our little..talk, well, I have avoided you, and I have been a bit..rude. I just wanted to..' she stopped suddenly when she saw Ensigns Wildman and Kim walking past. When they were past them, Harry looked over his shoulder and watched his friends. He saw that B'Elanna was looking embarassed and couldn't help it. He laughed softly.
When Harry and Samantha were around the corner, B'Elanna started talking again.
'Um..would you mind if we discussed this somewhere more private?'
'Allright. Your quarters or mine?' he said with a boyish grin, immediately switching to Paris-the-Pig mode.
B'Elanna grunted in disgust, but Tom could see the humour in her eyes.
'Pig.' she snorted entering her room, but nevertheless invited him to join her.
'Yes, ma'am. I'm all yours.' he retorted and followed her.
Inside her quarters, B'Elanna gestured to a couch, told him to sit, and headed to the replicator.
'Want something?'
'A RakhT'hagino?'
She turned to the replicator and activated it.
'Two RakhT'haginos, charge on account Torres-Beta-1.'
'Computer, cancel that.' She heard Tom's voice and looked at him in surprise. He shrugged. 'Your quarters, I pay the drinks.' he said with a smirk.'Computer, charge on account Paris-Charlie-3.'
Seconds later, two cups materialized on the pad. B'Elanna took them and went over to the couch. She passed Tom one of the cups and sat on the other end of the couch.
For the moment, there was silence. B'Elanna looked a out of the windows, watching the stars flash past them. *The stars...*
She still couldn't believe it. They actually were back in the Alpha-Quadrant at last, and she didn't really care. She had accepted the fact that they were never going to return home, and now here they were. *Home..* she thought bitterly *for the past 4 years, Voyager has been my home, and I liked it. Hell, I'm probably the only one onboard who's not happy to be here.* She glanced at Tom, seeing that he too was miles away. He stared at his cup. *At least *he*'s got a family and a live to return to; like most of the crew. And unlike me; mother probably won't even speak to me.* she thought bitterly.
Inside Tom's head reigned utter confusion. He wondered what it was what B'Elanna had wanted to tell him. He loked over at her, and saw her watching the stars, an odd expression on her face. He shuddered. It was more comforting to look at his cup.
When after a while, she still hadn't said anything, his mind started wandering. So, they at last made it back home. The whole crew was on a joyride. Well, not the whole crew, anyway. *She doesn't seem too happy to have returned neither. I wonder why; at least she's still got her mother.* An image of his own mother came to his mind. She had died some time ago, and he missed her. *I wonder if Dad will talk to me now. Probably not.* he thought miserably. *At least I have Lissie to look forward to meating.* His younger sister Elizabeth would be 22 by now. *I wonder what she's been doing all this time.* He hadn't talked to her since before he joined the Maquis. During his time in prison, she had wanted to visit him, but their father had prevented her from doing so. The only way he could talk to her had been the letters they sent each other regularly. During his years in
prison, he had learned to really value his sister. *She has always been there
for me. Yes, I definetively look froward to meeting her.* He smiled.
He turned to look at B'Elanna, and when their eyes locked, she quickly turned away. Tom reached over and put a hand on B'Elanna's arm. He felt her shudder.'What is it?' he asked softly.
She turned to look at him, and her brown chocolate eyes met his.
She shrugged.
'I..was thinking of my mother.' She tried to keep her voice casual, and failed miserably.
Tom could hear the anguish in it. He shifted nervously. Knowing about her somewhat unusual relationship with her mother, he didn't quite know how to react. Finally, he finished by moving closer to her and taking her hand. He squeezed it reassuringly. B'Elanna looked at their hands and for a moment felt a bit better. *Strange,* she thought to
herself *of all the men, Tom, the womanizer, the traitor, is the only one who can make me feel safe and comforted. Apart from big brother Chakotay of course. I wish I could trust him..* But nonetheless she decided that, only tonight, she would allow herself to open up
a bit. She never had liked the idea of talking about her feelings. Especially to men. Especially to Tom Paris. But, funny enough, she had a feeling that he would understand her, more than anyone else. She softly ran her thumb over his hand and when she looked up to meet his eyes, she noticed that he was staring at his hand.
When Tom noticed her smile, he blushed slightly and looked into her deep eyes. He felt a wave of joy and contention crush over him. At last, it seemed that she was willing to let down her walls a bit. The fact that she did it in *his* presence made him happy and nervous at the same time. Oh, he had no illusions about how this would end. He did not know what she had lived through before Voyager, but what he did know was that she had problems trusting people. Especially men. Especially Tom Paris, himself. Over the past 4 years, and especially over the past few months he had worked hard to earn her trust. He had suceeded in so far that she was one of his best and closest friends. But he had a feeling that she did not trust him completely, with her heart. He knew he loved this woman. He had admitted it to himself a long time ago. Whenever he saw her, his heart started beating
faster and faster, his pulse, and his hormon glands as it occurs, accelerated. But he knew, he hoped, that this was not just a fling. He wanted a lasting relationship. But, before, he had to prove her, and himself, that he was ready for one. And he intended to do so.
After some long minutes, he spoke again. 'What about your mother, B'Elanna?' he asked
softly.
'I…don't know how she will react when -- if -- I return to her.' She surprised herself by saying, 'I don't know if I should return to her. I'm not really sure if I'm that happy that we have returned.' Tom was surprised to hear this. *Now, this is something new* he thought. B'Elanna breathed deeply. ' I've got nothing to look forward to. Ever since my..my father left us, my relationship with my mother was..difficult. She got more Klingon every day, and I tried more and more to hide my Klingon side. I think she dispised me for that. I think she still does.' She said, on the verge of tears. She loved and missed her mother, even if she pretended not to.
' 'Lanna, she's your mother! She still loves you, and you know that too.'
Suddenly, B'Elanna was filled with anger. 'Who are you to tell me this?' she raged. 'It's easy for you! You have a family, a life to return to. Your father's an admiral. He'll look after it that StarFleet promotes you to Commander before the end of the year!'
Now, Tom was enraged too. *How dare she do this?* 'Oh, you think so? Well, in case you forgot, the *Admiral*, my father, disowned me after I was sentenced to New Zealand Prison. We haven't talked a word to each other for years. He will hardly support my dashing Starfleet career.' He grunted 'He'll probably just convince his high-ranked friends to kick me out. You can't seriously believe that, once we have returned to the Federation,
I'll just leave Voyager and the only real friends I have, and start hob-nobbing with the cream of StarFleetCommand. Nothing awaits me in the Alpha-Quadrant. Except for my sister, I haven't got any family left whom I enjoy thinking about, my *friends*' , he practically spat the word out, 'dumped me when I was sent to prison, and among the Maquis, I'm not that popular either. Perhaps StarFleet won't imprison me again, but it's
unlikely that they let me keep my rank or even let me stay on this ship. If it weren't for the rest of the crew, I wouldn't have minded if we had stayed in the Delta-Quadrant. Hell, I liked it there, it gave me the chance to start a new life.' He stood up and walked over to the window, furious with the world itself, furious with everyone, but mostly with himself.
*Fool!* a surprisingly soft voice sounded in his head. *What have you done? You just yelled at the only person who you care about more than about anyone else.*
He felt the tears in his eyes, and fought hard to hold them back. Apparently, it was of no use, for he heard the sobbing only seconds after. It took him a while to realize that it was not him. B'Elanna sat on the couch, her face covered in her hands. *Paris, you idiot! See what you have done?* He walked over to the couch, and kneeled in front of B'Elanna. His
arm reached out to touch her hands. She struggled at the beginning, but stopped when she realized that he *did* want to help her, and finished by snuggling up next to Tom. He wrapped his arms around her, and cradled her softly, rocking her forth and back. His hand run up and down her spine in what he hoped was a comforting way. With the other hand, he held her head against his shoulder and pressed his face against her soft hair, inhaling her scent. He could hear her gently sobbing. He didn't exactly know why she was crying, and he didn't really care either. All he wanted was to comfort, to hold her, and to never let go of her. 'Shhhhhh...it's okay. I'm here; it will be fine.' he whispered in her ear. He could hear her whisper something.
'Don't...leave me..please...'
'I won't. I promise I won't; I'll be here whenever you need me.' It was a promise he intended to keep. 'It's allright. Let it out. It's allright…'
He cradled her in his arms until he didn't hear her cry anymore. Then, he reluctantly released her out of his embrace. He could see her tear-stroken face, the pain in her red eyes, and it almost broke his heart. His hand reached under her chin, and gently forced her to look at him. 'I'm sorry, Tom. I didn't know you...' she began.
Tom shushed her. 'There's nothing you need to be sorry about, 'Lanna. It's me who should apologize. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that, I'm sorry. I really am.' He caressed her cheek with one head and wiped the tears and hair out of her face. He could feel her frown. 'You...you mean too much to me, and...'
'Oh, Tom...I...'
'...and I never wanted to hurt you. It's just when you mentioned my father and my family, I just..snapped out' He could feel a single tear running down his face. 'Please, 'Lanna, please forgive me. It was wrong, and I didn't want to do that, I really didn't. I...'
*Tell her! Now's the time. Tell her that you love her. Tell her, you fool!* But B'Elanna beat him to it.
She wiped the tear of his face and he let her caress it slowly. He took her hand and kissed it gently.
'It's allright Tom, it was not your fault..I..didn't want to hurt you. You have always been there for me. In that Vidiian Prison, in the caves on Sakari..please, I really didn't want this to happen.'
'I know, B'Elanna, I know.' He murmures softly.
She put her arms around him, and held him tightly. Tom was grateful for it, for he could feel the tears in his eyes. He could feel her running her hand through his blonde hair. When he felt he could trust his eyes again, he softly pulled away and looked in her eyes, slowly leaning down, wanting to kiss her. When he noticed her frown, he stopped himself. He did not want to pressurize or push her to something she didn't want to.
Instead he leaned his forhead on hers, and looked in her dark eyes, their faces nearly touching each other. B'Elanna closed her eyes, enjoying this special moment. A comfortable silence embraced them.
Tom looked at her, a dreaming look in his eyes, and a genuine smile on his lips. *She looks so peaceful..* he thought dreamily. He could feel her warm breath against his face, and he sensed the smell of her shampoo. *Gods...*
The little voice in Tom's head came to life again. *Tell her. Tell her, now.* **I can't** *What do you mean you can't? You love her don't you?* **Why, yes I do** *Then tell her you jerk!* **Now, don't get personal. I warn you** *What you mean don't get personal! Gods, I don't believe I'm actually talking to you, instead of...* **instead of..?**
*Oh, be quiet* Nontheless he decided he had to say something to break the silence. With her face so near to his, he could only think of one thing.
'You are the most beautiful woman I ever met, B'Elanna.' he whispered, so low that B'Elanna couldn't possibly hear it. She opened her eyes slowly and looked at him. 'Sorry, did you just say anything?'
He gazed at her dark, brown eyes, and he thought he looked right at her soul. 'I said you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met.' he said softly.
For a moment she looked at him, in amazement. But quickly the joy he could see on her face turned into shock, and an hurt look came to her eyes. Suddenly, she stood up. Tom noticed the change in her tone when she spoke after a few seconds. 'Don't.' she said coldly.
Tom was scared by the bitterness in her voice. He didn't understand what had gone so wrong.
'Don't what?' he asked, totally confused.
B'Elanna looked at him in a strange way, before she turned her head and stared at the floor.
'Don..' she gulped nervously. 'Please, don't…lie to me.' Her voice sounded hurt and pleaful. When she heard no reply, she gathered all her klingon courage, and looked at him. She saw the confused look he had on his face.
Tom was utterly at a loss of words. He tried to figure out when he supposedly lied to her. He shot a quick glance at B'Elanna, and he saw the tears in her eyes. When the meaning of her words slowly dawned to him, he felt as if someone had punched him right in the face. *How can she seriously…*
He felt the urge to wrap his arms around her and to comfort her, but he decided he would regret it, if he did it right now. Instead he just stood up.
When B'Elanna noticed Tom's painful look, she couldn't stand it anymore. She turned to the window and looked at the stars again, a single tear running down her cheek. Through the tears she saw Tom's reflection in the window, coming nearer.
He made his way slowly, until he stood behind B'Elanna. Uncertain of what to do next, he put his hands on her shoulders and played with a single curl of her dark hair. Tom could feel her tensen at his touch and stopped himself. 'B'Elanna, I did not lie to you. You are beautiful. Everything about you is.' he whispered.
Apparently that did not convince her at all. She jerked away and positioned herself in front of him.
'You are not saying you find these beautiful, are you!' she challenged, vaguely gesturing towards her klingon ridges. Tom hardly heard the next words at all. 'No-one does...no-one.' she whispered bitterly.
The pain in her voice almost broke Tom's heart. Slowly he walked closer to B'Elanna, who kept avoiding any physical contact with him, until she could feel the wall behind her back. Ignoring her frightful expression, Tom gently cupped her face with his hands, caressing, and effectively pinning her against the wall with his body. B'Elanna tried to speak, but he placed a finger on her lips. Intuitively, she wanted to fight him, fearing that
he might decide to take advantage of her in this situation. B'Elanna could not imagine Tom would do anything like that, but it left a nagging doubt, nervertheless. She was to weak to fight, and she was not entirely sure if she should or not..or if she wanted to.
Their faces merely inches apart, he could see her scared look. He slowly leant over to her, and placed a soft, loving kiss on her forehead. Then he looked into her wonderful eyes, and waited for a reaction. When none did come, he wiped the tear from her face and lovingly caressed her cheek. 'I don't care about the others, B'Elanna. To me they are beautiful. They are, because they are a part of you, of what you are. And to me, you truly
are the most beautiful beeing in existence. Believe me that.' His lips gently touched her forehead again.
B'Elanna could not speak. She could not think coherently. All she could do was to stare at this man, who was telling her she was the most beautiful thing in the universe. She wanted to say something, but all she could do was to stutter.
'Shhh.' Tom said softly, 'it's allright. I really mean it.'
'Oh Tom…' B'Elanna put her hands on his chest, and rested her head against it.
Tom felt as if a heavy burden had been taken away from him. He had some doubts that she fully believed him, but for now, it was enough being able to hold her, to comfort her. He put the nagging doubts in his head aside, and fully concentrated on the here and now. He placed his chin on her head, and he heard her sigh contentedly as he enfolded her in a loving embrace.
'B'Elanna Torres, did you just purr at me?' he asked silently, unable to stop himself from smiling softly.
The only response were some other approving noises from her throat.
*Gods, this is heaven!* he told himself.
'There's something I have to tell you..' he said after a while.
'Hm?'
'I..I have to tell you the truth...'
'The truth about what?'she asked confusedly, her voice nothing more than a soft whisper.
'I..I..'
*Christ, I thought this was getting easier in time*
Unfortunately, he was saved.
*Chirp*
'Bridge to Lt. Paris'
*Captain, you have the worst sense of timing!* Tom thought angrily, then the full impact of her voice speaking to him became evident *So, she's in command again.* He sighed. He would miss the Boss' chair.
'Go ahead' he said, never stopping looking at B'Elanna's eyes.
'We have just arrived at StarBase 89. Please report to the Conference lounge, we have some guests here who want to talk to you.' Janeway's voice had a strange tone.
'Acknowledged. I'm on my way. Paris out.'
Tom sighed. He looked intensively at B'Elanna, and then decided that she could only kill him once. He leaned over, lifted her chin and lightly brushed over her lips with his own, carefully, as if to see how she would react. When he pulled away, she gently caressed his face and looked at him. B'Elanna could see the love in his eyes. She said nothing, but only smiled warmly. For Tom, that smile, full of emotion, meant everything.
Reluctantly he freed B'Elanna from his embrace and walked to the door.'We'll talk later, B'Ela.' And then he stepped through the doorway and left.
When he was gone, B'Elanna Torres' smile grew. He had called her B'Ela. Only her father had called her this way before, and she loved it.
Her lips still tinkled from that soft kiss Tom had given her
She went back ton the couch, and sat on it, turned to the stars, and watched them. They seemed so beautiful now. After only a few minutes, she fell asleep. Eventually, SB89 came into sight, slowly drifting accros space, when Voyager docked. They were home at last. Perhaps it hadn't been such a bad day after all.
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Thy voice is on the rolling air;
I hear thee where the waters run;
Thou standest in the rising sun,
And in the setting thou art fair.
What art thou then? I cannot guess:
But tho' I seem in star and flower
To feel thee some diffusive power
I do not therefore love thee less
My love involves the love before;
My love is vaster passion now;
Tho' mix'd with God and Nature now;
I seem to love thee more and more.
Far off thou art, but ever nigh;
I have thee still, and I rejoice;
I prosper, circled with thy voice;
I shall not lose thee tho' I die.
Alfred Tennyson, In Memorian A.H.H
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