Chapter 4
Jack sighed, nodding kindly as the doctor and a nurse left Renee's hospital room on ICU. He really had felt her hand twitch just yesterday, even though only barely. Then how could it actually be nothing had changed in her condition, whereas that little twitch had meant everything to him?
He lethargically shut his eyes, before releasing another, exhausted sigh. Jack's arms crossed over his chest while his eyes remained fixed on Renee, wondering if his lover's light blue eyes would look into his ever again; if he would perceive the sexy, soft shimmer within them again. He quietly shook his head, one hand unconsciously going up into his hair. He felt so worthless… so useless. There was absolutely nothing that he could do to enhance things. He couldn't do anything but wait. And yet every time he left Renee's room even momentarily to get something to lessen his thirst, or obey his hunger, or when other needs forced him to leave her side, to keep himself going, so that he could be there for Renee, when her condition would alter, a stitch of guilt could be felt across his chest. Jack's throat would feel just as rough and arid even after liters of water, though. And no food ever appeared to taste about the same as it used to… if it had any taste to begin with.
No one could say more than what he already had been told more than once, and that's maybe what annoyed him most. No one could give him something definite about Renee's situation, whereas he internally ached for something like that… anything. He just wanted to hear she was going to wake up soon and that she would perceive no lasting damage… though that was nearly impossible. The feel of being so worthless while Renee continued to commute in between life and death, with no one really able to say nearer to which end, brought about the most irrational sides of him. What he felt for her possibly had its role, too.
It would be reckless to think that everything could be safe now. New dangers would make their existence known sooner, or later. He had vowed to himself and to Renee, that he wouldn't ever get involved into it anymore, though. That he would allow her and himself a chance to be happy together when that whole shit was over. He had performed the hero enough times. He had saved more than fifteen people off the bus already, and now time had come to save the ones being nearest to him and maybe himself as well.
If Renee wouldn't make it through, she would just be yet another victim of the curse that lay upon him; that doomed him to lose basically everyone around him one by one, until no one but him was left. He had gotten good at disguising what he felt, because there were usually higher loyalties that weren't helped with him sobbing into a corner of the room like a child. On occasions like these, though… he wanted to and so fiercely. At this very occasion, Jack Bauer wanted to curl up into a ball like a hedgehog gazing into the headlights of a car boring down on it at full speed. Right then, Jack more than ever realized why he had pushed aside whatever he felt for years. It felt so much better. It felt so much better to let that side of him deny everything, or portray anything bad as 'inevitable'.
He looked at Renee once again: at the shut light blue eyes and her closed mouth. He pushed past memories of her into his arms with her eyes wide, blood oozing. That one particularly was hard to disregard. He couldn't say why. He slowly sat himself down on the hard, white chair next to the bed again, sore muscles arguing against the move. His hand intuitively reached to cover Renee's onto the sheet like before, thumb tenderly caressing its top.
Renee wouldn't be helped if he was lying curled up by the side of her bed either. She wouldn't be helped if he would let the many emotions come over him and torture him to insanity. No, that feeling of not being able to save her life, of the woman he loved, that lingered with him everywhere since she had gotten shot, that was more than enough torture for him right now without allowing more feelings of un-dealt with pain.
He quietly bowed his head to look at his feet momentarily before letting his eyes shut. One hand reached up to rub his eyes, and Jack sighed once again. He looked aside at the window to watch night falling. Dusk soon would penetrate their nostrils and wrap around them like a cover, and their Earth would revolve until it became day again. The Earth didn't care about losing Renee.
Right then he could feel something flinch again beneath his hand, somewhat stronger than yesterday. Jack's hand shifted aside immediately to see Renee's fingers move noticeably. He just looked at the twitching of her hand in shock for an instant, lots of things running through his mind at once. His hand hopefully recaptured hers, before letting his lips touch it, eyes moving to her face, to find her eyes wide open.
He easily rose off his seat, again ignoring the objections of his body, his hand never leaving hers. "Renee?" He whispered, but her eyes were directed to the ceiling, her chest rapidly rising and falling. This time could there be no denying. His hand reached for the button above her head again, as he continued to gaze at her, a smile unconsciously forming around his lips.
Suddenly, she redirected her eyes and looked at him, her eyes only widening and breathing getting quicker. "Renee?" He whispered once again, smile disappearing almost immediately and eyebrows confusedly knitting together. Then he could feel his heart thump hard, upon realizing that she didn't recognize even her own name… or him.