Chapter 4

March 27th, 2:20 p.m.

The road to Flemington, Pennsylvania was peaceful and quiet on this cool March afternoon; just what Neal needed to try to make sense of the jumbled thoughts competing for his attention. He knew that by going outside his radius, one of two things would inevitably happen: the Marshalls would show up to arrest him or Peter would come looking for him. Either way, he didn't care; all he knew for certain was that he needed to quiet his mind and figure things out. He was feeling caged, not by his new status as Hope's daddy, but by the realization that he was still on the damn anklet, a constant reminder of his criminal past, something he was beginning to think he was doomed to repeat.

His heart spoke, urging him to turn around and run back to the hospital, to the safety of Sara's arms, to their beautiful newborn daughter who needed her daddy. His rational mind responded with an even more compelling argument – he needed to think things through and stay away from his family until he figured out what was best for the two people he loved so much.

He wasn't thinking clearly - he was still reeling from the all consuming love and overwhelming sense of responsibility he'd been feeling since Hope had entered the world. He'd had similar, although more muted, emotions as he'd watched Sara's belly expand over the past few months, aware that their baby was growing inside her and marvelling at how her body was changing in response. Sara had always been beautiful - but pregnant, she'd practically glowed and he'd felt as if the two of them shared a secret no one else in the world would ever understand.

Watching Hope come into the world, however, had brought things to a whole new level – the realization that this little person was whole unto herself and no longer a part of Sara's body had hit him like a ton of bricks. There was no longer any way to completely shield her from life's inevitable ups and downs, no matter how hard they tried. She would become her own independent person in time and their job as parents was to keep her safe and secure while she discovered the world.

There were things that they could protect her from, though – and Neal was starting to believe that he, Neal Caffrey, conman and criminal, might be one of those toxic 'things'.

WCWCWC

Elizabeth Burke parked the car in the multi-level garage at Lenox Hill Hospital and began to make her way inside. She was carrying a large stuffed panda, the first of many gifts to come for her new goddaughter whom she'd already fallen in love with.

It had been difficult for her to watch Sara and Neal during the first few weeks of Sara's pregnancy; they had fallen into this quite by accident whereas she and Peter had wanted a baby for as long as she could remember. Life seemed unfair in that way. Early on, Sara had decided to terminate the pregnancy, unsure whether or not Neal was truly ready to commit to such an enormous life changing experience. But the man had proven over the past few months that he was up to the challenge and El had enjoyed watching them both grow into their roles as expectant parents. Now, seeing the two of them interacting with the baby, all doubts had vanished and all that was left was joy at welcoming this little one into the world and the excitement of having front row seats to watch her grow as the years passed. She and Peter had been thrilled to be asked to be Hope's godparents and the night before, when Neal had introduced Hope Elizabeth Ellis-Caffrey to everyone, she'd grinned from ear to ear at the realization that she would always be a part of this little person's life.

She made her way up to the maternity ward, taking a detour to see if the baby was in the nursery.

'You're here for Ms Ellis, aren't you?' asked the nurse who hovered nearby

El nodded in response.

'She's got the baby in her room with her' said the nurse pointing to the nearby room

The sight that greeted Elizabeth as she stood in the doorway to Sara's hospital room took her by surprise. She watched in silence as Sara spoke to her daughter in a soft, calming voice she'd never heard the young woman use before – a well hidden side of the strident Ms Ellis that Elizabeth was just learning to discover. The baby made soft, cooing noises as she lay content in her mom's arms and El fought back a tear as she finally stepped into the room, causing Sara to look up.

'Hey Mom! How are you doing?' Elizabeth asked as she stepped in

'Oh, Hope, look it's your Auntie Elizabeth and she's spoiling you already' Sara said with a laugh as she took in the large marsupial in El's arms

El made her way closer, her eyes drawn to the baby. She hadn't held her since the night before, mere minutes after her birth, and she was looking forward to cradling her in her arms again. Sara saw the look of anticipation in her friend's eyes and without hesitation, offered up her daughter to her.

'She might need her diaper changed' said Sara looking down fondly at Hope 'She just drank an awful lot'

'I can do that' Elizabeth said without hesitation as she took the infant from her mom's outstretched arms

Hope was already starting to nod off now that she was satiated and El got a quick glimpse of her blue eyes before they closed, the baby letting out a contented sigh.

'I thought I'd have to fight Neal off to hold her' said El

'He went home to change and have a nap. He should be back anytime' Sara said as she glanced at the time

She grabbed her phone, calling Neal – now that she was returning to her previous self, she was craving a latte and when the call went to voicemail, she placed her order.

'...oh, and don't forget – low fat milk. I've got to get rid of this baby fat if I'm ever going to fit into a wedding dress. See you soon, Dad' she said with a soft smile as she ended the call.

'So how did you sleep?' asked Elizabeth

'Well, Neal and I fell asleep at around 4:30 this morning after you all left and she slept for a good three hours. When I woke up, I found the two of them canoodling over there on the rocking chair' she said fondly as she recalled hearing her boyfriend singing softly to their daughter

Elizabeth laughed at the thought. Cool, unflappable Neal Caffrey going all goo-goo eyed over a baby – she loved the image.

'He's been pretty incredible, huh?' El asked, knowing full well the answer

'You have no idea' answered Sara as she sat up 'He's been my rock. You should have seen his face when she was born. I like to think I can do things to that man but... I've never seen him look quite like he did when he first laid eyes on her. He's totally smitten. I'm going to have to stand my ground to keep him from spoiling her rotten'

Elizabeth looked down at her namesake, obviously in love herself.

'It's amazing isn't it? One day you have a great big belly and the next...' she said, recalling the intense cab ride to the hospital as she'd sat by her friend's side

Sara just nodded in agreement. Her thoughts returned to her baby's daddy, and she couldn't help her next comment.

'Well, Neal better get here soon. I'm surprised he's taking this long...' she said as an after thought

It had been a struggle to get him to leave in the first place and for him not to rush back seemed out of character for the brand new dad. Sara shook off the passing thought and turned her attention back to her friend.

WCWCWC

By the time Neal pulled up outside the old building that housed Mozzie's safe house, it was almost 4:00. He knew Sara would be starting to worry by now and part of him wanted to reach out to her but frankly, he had no idea what he could possibly tell her that would explain his failure to return to her side.

'Honey, I'm just holed up in one of Mozzie's safe houses while I figure out if I'm more of a help or a hindrance in raising our daughter for the next twenty years ...but don't worry...'

Yeah, that would go over well. It was better to just work things out; sooner or later Peter would come looking, of that Neal was certain. His mentor's insights into his current dilemma would certainly help him see things more clearly. For now, the sheer physical distance he'd created between himself and his new family was essential if he was going to make the best rational decision for Hope's future... and for Sara's.

If Sara raised their daughter on her own, he knew Hope would have a strong role model and that she would grow into a wonderful, confident young woman like her mom. But that required him to stay away and the thought of a life without the two of them was just unbearable. He took in a long, unsteady breath as he made his way up the building's staircase to the third floor towards the apartment he'd visited a couple of times before his stay in prison. He vaguely remembered the place and wondered in passing why Mozzie felt the need to have so many of these hideaways – surely overcompensation for never having had a home of his own while he was growing up.

The key (or keys since there were six locks) unlocked the door and within moments, Neal found himself in a well appointed flat, complete with a high tech security system. The place was decorated in a sleek urban style - all of Mozzie's homes had a theme - and he looked around at the chrome and glass surrounding him, marvelling once again at Mozzie's high end tastes in home furnishings. Surprisingly, when he went to the fridge to see if there was anything to drink, he found it fully stocked with alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages as well as the staples necessary to prepare a great meal – something he had absolutely no interest in at the moment. Neal grabbed a glass of wine and made his way over to the white leather couch which dominated the wide open space.

What the hell was he doing there he wondered as he tried to get his brain to shut off for just a moment. His body ached for Sara, for their baby and he let out a choked noise that turned into a soulful moan as his mind reverted back into overdrive once again.

Planning a heist was easy – you simply got to know your mark's weaknesses and you planned things step by step, making sure you had a sound contingency plan, followed by a second then a third. In comparison, trying to sift through conflicting emotions when other people's welfare was at stake was unbearably challenging and so heart wrenchingly personal.

Neal had often acted impulsively in his life and it usually got him into trouble (as Peter was quick to point out); going back to the hospital to Sara's waiting arms would be just that – an impulsive, reckless move that might provide instant gratification but did little to ensure he was doing what was best in the long run for her and little Hope.

Before he could go back to the life he longed for, he needed to be certain he could refrain from falling back into a life of crime. His track record in that regard was abysmal; the allure and attraction of 'the life' had been irresistible for so many years now and he still struggled on a daily basis with doing the right thing. Now, there was so much more to consider and he knew for certain that he could never live with himself if he ended up leading his daughter down that destructive path.

He'd spent most of his life camouflaging his true feelings under a veneer of false bravado and it was only in recent months, with Sara holding a mirror to his face, that he'd been able to be truly honest with himself, to understand what it was he really wanted and the price he would need to pay. Now, more than ever he had to be brutally honest with himself.

The voice returned, unbidden:

'You're a criminal Neal. That's all you'll ever be' it said 'You don't deserve to be happy'

He stood to look at himself in the large mirror nearby, searching his eyes for the truth, forcing himself to stare deep into his soul.

The battle raged on in his muddled mind.

TBC