How To Kill Spiders

How To Kill Spiders

Author's Notes: Unlike my other fan fics, this story will have several story arcs. This whole Night Elf invasion thing is just the introduction, though. Now prepare yourself for Oriental martial arts despite a medieval setting! Also, I'll still be writing my PsychoEd stories. I'm just going to write a few chapters for this story first.

After running into Eddy, Double D had gone back to the Mage College. Despite being there two months, he still was unable to open the doors and needed help from the inside.

The large doors opened and Double D stepped in. The doors closed quickly behind him, as per usual. There were several groups of mages walking up and down the stairs, filling up the large building.

"I got the spell components!" Double D yelled out. One mage noticed him and took the items he had purchased before walking away. Double D stared at the people, unsure what to do next.

Then there was the explosion.

It came from outside, but it was loud enough that it could be heard in the college. Several mages recognized the sound as a Jump Spider teleporting and quickly backed away from the door. Double D was not fortunate enough to do so.

The doors to the college were suddenly blown down by an outside force. They were sent flying by the blast, soaring a foot above Double D's head before crashing to the ground before him. A sudden blow to his head knocked him aside and made his world start spinning.

"Look at the stupid little mortals toying with magic…" A warbling voice mocked before Double D was knocked out.

RED RIVER:

As Idovi and his spider leapt from building to building in the city of Red River, the Night Elf watched the scurrying masses of humans running for their lives below. Was there really a point? The humans could only live to their sixties, maybe seventies, and those were a Night Elf's youth.

Idovi jumped off of his spider and landed amongst the panicked crowd. Following orders, he took his blade and thrust it into one screaming man. The crowd immediately began trying to run around the Night Elf, but a spinning blade attack made quick work out of several of them.

Such fine killing. You turn the seas red with blood.

There was the voice again. Idovi sheathed his sword and looked around fearfully. Lately, whenever he had killed, that voice had been there. Was he insane? Possibly; it was quite common in Night Elf culture.

With a quick mental command, Idovi's spider teleported to his side, knocking down several innocent bystanders. "Let's get out of here." Idovi said to his spider. In a puff of black smoke, the killer and his beast teleported somewhere else in the town.

MAGE COLLEGE:

Double D opened his eyes groggily. His head was pounding from being hit on the side of the head with a spear. He wasn't quite sure where he was… he heard voices, screaming. Was Eddy getting chased by the Kankers?

Double D soon remembered he wasn't in Peach Creek. He sat up and realized his Mage's Robes had been taken from him. He was wearing a simple pair of pantaloons and his hat. His staff was lying several feet away.

Rubble covered the Mage College. Double D didn't see any people around… had that person who had come in chased them all out? Double D stood up, wondering what on Earth had happened to his clothes.

"Edd!" A familiar voice called out. Double D felt Leopold Snagaplakdangletripper's hand on his shoulder. "Thank Savyah you're alive!"

Double D dizzily turned around to face the dean. Dean Snagaplakdangletripper's robes were badly scorched and one of his earrings was missing. He still had his staff, though, so that was something.

"A Night Elf Mage attacked us." Dean Snagaplakdangletripper explained. "It was horrible. Her and that giant spider of hers!" The dean shuddered at the mere memory of the huge, armored beast. "There are Night Elves all over the city!"

Double D wasn't sure if he should be afraid or concerned that there were actually creatures like 'Night Elves' in this world. Well, considering that there was magic, the existence of elves probably wasn't too farfetched. Of course, when Dean Snagaplakdangletripper said 'elves', Double D had immediately thought of Santa Clause and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Leopold walked past Double D and picked up the shirtless boy's staff. He handed it to him and sighed. "It looks like the Elite Guard will be taking care of the Night Elves and their disgusting spiders. Still, it's not safe for you to stay here."

Double D couldn't help but agree with this. His magical abilities were roughly on par with that of someone who hadn't even been in the college for a week. The thing with magic was that it wasn't numbers or words or theory but something else altogether.

"I want you to run out of here, down the street, and to a big, brick building." Leopold instructed as he walked Double D over to the door. "There'll be a big, ol' sign out front that reads 'The Bat's Path.' I have friends there who can protect you."

"Are you daft?" Double D asked in exasperation. "What if I'm attacked by one of these Night Elves? One of them already stole my shirt!"

"Just run as fast as you can." Dean Snagaplakdangletripper ordered. "The Night Elves are completely merciless killers. You're real lucky that whoever attacked you just stole your shirt!"

Double D groaned irritably. "I can't even cast any spells; why do I need to carry my staff around with me?"

Leopold groaned irritably. He reached into the sleeve of his cloak and pulled out a crumpled-up piece of parchment. "This is the spell Wing of Spark." He explained as he forced it into Double D's hand. "Just concentrate on the writing and point your staff at your target."

Double D opened the paper and saw that it was written in archaic runes. He placed it in his cloak's sleeve and looked at Leopold questioningly. "If you can cast a spell just by reading a piece of paper, then why is there a college?"

"Magic is like science; it needs to be studied." Leopold answered. "Now get out of here! Qi isn't going to wait forever!"

THE SEWERS:

"I understand that you sell illegal, magical artifacts here." Akaci said to Hopaol and Eddy deep beneath the battles above. The two thieves stood in front of a large, wooden door. Akaci was on his giant spider so as to avoid getting dirty.

"I wouldn't call them 'illegal' so much as 'limited-edition'." Hopaol responded. Eddy couldn't help but grin. That sounded like something his older brother would have said if he was a back-alley thief in a bizarre, magical world.

"My lord Zixoc is a member of an elite group called the Council of Thirteen." Akaci explained to the thief. "An accomplice of his, the Ogre King Kogolt, is looking for an item called the Gods' Crown."

There was a loud, exploding noise from above. Eddy and Hopaol both looked up in confusion. "It's probably just you stupid humans playing a stupid human sport." Akaci said quickly. "Definitely not an invasion. Or the twisted workings of Night Magic."

Hopaol nodded at this seemingly-acceptable answer. "I'm afraid we don't have this crown the ogre's looking for." He apologized. "Not sure what an ogre would do with a crown, anyways. Eat it, I'm guessing?"

"They are stupid." Akaci agreed as he stared forward thoughtfully. "Ogres are stupid… just like everyone who isn't a Night Elf."

Hopaol chuckled. "I should have recognized you as a Night Elf; you're way too pale."

Akaci gritted his teeth at this comment. "I'm not going to have a Half-Human bastard criticizing a superior species." He said as he thrust his spear in Hopaol's direction. Hopaol somehow manage to grab the spear's shaft before it reached him and yanked it out of Akaci's hands with such force that it pulled him off of his spider.

Akaci landed in the filth of the sewers with a dull squish. He stood up, his front half almost completely covered in water and excrements. "Stupid human waste-system." He muttered as he turned and jumped back on his spider. In a puff of black smoke, the two disappeared.

"I'm keeping this." Hopaol chuckled as he observed the spear he had taken. "This thing has to be worth at least 85 gold."

A quiet rumbled came from Eddy's stomach. "I'm getting kind of hungry." He told his mentor. "I'm gonna go up to the city to steal some food."

"Watch out for the guard." Hopaol advised as Eddy began to head out; completely unaware of what was going on in Red River.

RED RIVER:

THE BAT'S PATH SCHOOL

Punching things hurts them

Double D stared at the strange wooden sign that hung above the wooden door of the building Dean Snagaplakdangletripper had told him to find. The streets of the city were deserted, save for dozens of dead bodies lying in pools of their own blood. Hesitantly, Double D knocked on the door.

"Stop punching the door!" A voice hissed from inside. "I keep telling you idiots you can't hurt doors!"

The door opened and Double D was shocked to see green-skinned snake-creature at the door. It had a snake's head and the lower half of a snake and its body was covered in scales. It also wore what looked to Double D like a black, sleeveless karate gi over a male torso.

"If you're one of the invaders, this isn't the palace." The creature hissed. "I'm training my disciples in the Bat's Path and I don't want to be bothered!"

Double D opened his mouth to speak, unsure how to treat this creature. "Leopold sent me." He explained. The snake arched an eyebrow (Or the flesh above one of its eyes) and looked at Double D curiously. "Who?"

Double D realized that this man probably didn't know Leopold's first name.

"Dean Snaga… Snagaplak… Snaga…" "Snagaplakdangletripper sent you, did he?" The snake asked, helping Double D by saying the dean's name. "If you're a mage, doesn't he think you can handle yourself?"

"I'm a newcomer." Double D answered as the snake let him into the small building. There were ten men in martial-arts uniforms in the large, brick room. There were several training dummies, weights, and motivational posters littered around the room.

"I am Qi; teacher of the Bat's Path School in Red Wing." The snake introduced after he closed the door behind Double D. "You should be safe here, hopefully."

"Nope! Can't open the safe!"

Double D's eyes widened at hearing the all-too-familiar voice. Standing in a corner in the back of the room, dressed in the same, black martial arts uniforms as everyone else was the messy-haired, flat-headed, back-of-head head of one of Double D's best friends.

Ed turned around, the typical goofy grin still on his face. "Hiya, Double D." He greeted as if they had just seen each other yesterday. With the blissful ignorance of his mind, Ed had adapted to this new world in a matter of mere seconds.

Double D was overjoyed at seeing his friend. In the past twenty-four hours, he had found both of his best friends. Maybe the other Peach Creek kids weren't that far off…

Qi chuckled when he saw the two boys' familiarity. "I take it you are this student's friend? Well, nobody's been paying for his lessons since he got here, so I hope you've got 400 gold pieces on you, because nobody's been paying for his lessons."

Double D wasn't really paying attention to what Qi had said. He was just happy to have found Ed. "Ed, what happened to you?"

"Well, after the nice man in the suit brought me here, I started learning how to kill zombies!" Ed exclaimed. Double D chuckled. It had been two whole months since he had heard Ed's idiotic sayings.

"Ed has been learning the martial arts style known as the Bat's Path." Qi explained. "He's a bit of a slow learner, however, so he's only learned a single technique."

"Yes, that sounds like Ed." Double D confirmed as Ed raised his sleeveless arm and scratched it. "Did you say you teach martial arts?"

Qi nodded as he signaled for his students to resume training. For everyone except Ed, this seemed to mean sparring. For Ed, it meant staring at the wall.

"The Bat's Path is one of the 8 Studies of Beasts." Qi explained to Double D. "The Studies of Beasts is actually a school of magic, focusing more on the magic of the living body than that which lies in other planes of existence."

Double D was quietly fascinated by this. He didn't know there were different schools of magic.

"By incorporating animalistic movements into battle techniques, as well as focusing amount of a unique, magical life-force into different points of the body, a punch or kick can be much more devastating." Qi explained. "It is no small thing to master techniques both mentally and physically, however."

Double D looked at Ed. He knew what Qi was saying. Ed had the physical strength to fight, but not the mental ability to learn magic.

The door to the building was suddenly opened and closed by someone, clearly panicked. Double D turned and was surprised to see Eddy, his back against the door, panting heavily.

The short thief looked at all of the men in martial arts uniforms in confusion and wasn't too surprised by the snake-creature. Dy was the same species, but the one with Double D seemed much more snake-like. Eddy was more surprised to see his friend Ed at the back of the room and his friend Double D, shirtless and talking to the Naga.

"Eddy?" Double D asked in confusion. "What are you doing here? Did you escape that man you were with earlier?"

Eddy chuckled. Despite remembering Eddy had been with a man, Double D wasn't going to be able to remember any details about Hopaol. Not even Eddy could remember what his mentor looked like right now.

"Hopaol sent me to get lunch when I was attacked by some creep riding a spider." Eddy explained to his friend. "I saw someone else riding a spider down in the sewers earlier, but he was looking to buy something."

"Spiders are like tiny octopuses, only the ink is webs." Ed compared as he turned around to face Eddy. "Good to see you, lumpy." Eddy greeted stiffly. He was completely unaware of the fact that the door was slowly melting.

Double D gasped in horror and Eddy backed away from the door. When he turned around, the door had almost completely melted to the ground. A female Night Elf, wearing a black-and-purple cloak instead of armor, rode an armored spider just outside the door.

In a puff of black smoke, the Night Elf and her spider teleported into the room. Qi's students immediately took fighting stances, except for Ed, who muttered something about 'calamari'.

The Night Elf had long, black hair. Her eyes seemed a much deeper red than others of her species. Double D and Eddy both noticed she was disturbingly beautiful; almost unnaturally so. She carried a large, steel staff with a piece of black stone perched on top.

"I am Erael Abigobride." The Night Elf mage greeted with a mocking smile towards the entire room. "My god, Abigo, has given me the power to murder each and every one of you. This power will be used in his mighty name."

Double D quickly reached into his hat and pulled out the piece of paper Leopold had given him. He opened it up, pointed his staff at Erael, and began concentrating on the writing. To his surprise, they began to form words he could make out.

Before he could read the spell, a strange, skull-shaped blast of darkness was blasted from Erael's staff. The blast hit Double D, knocking him down and knocking the paper out of his hands.

Ed's brain wasn't able to fully grasp what had just happened, but he knew when his friend had been hurt. He also knew his friend had been hurt by the Spider-Centaur of the 13th Realm.

Ed found himself running underneath Erael's spider and striking one of its legs with his elbow as he ran past. By the time he reached the other side, the spider's leg had been severely damaged and it had fallen on it.

Eddy looked from Ed to the injured spider in surprise. Since when could Ed do that? In seconds, the rest of Qi's students were upon the spider, attacking with simple punches and kicks instead of martial arts techniques like what Ed had just used.

"The Shadowy Swoop?" Qi asked under his breath. "When in Vari's name did he learn that?"

As the martial arts students attacked Erael and her spider, Erael silently twisted the air into a protective field around her. This was getting tedious. She had expected to get in, kill everyone, and get out. Those had been her god's orders when he had sent her to accompany Akaci's group.

Muttering some words of command, Erael expanded her protective field until it flung the martial-artists off of her and her spider and into the walls. Quickly, the Night Mage caused hands to grow from the walls and grab those who had dog-piled her.

Double D opened his eyes and almost immediately dove for the paper. Erael saw this and quickly jumped from her spider onto Double D's back. Double D painfully realized that Erael was wearing metal boots.

"Human magic is so weak and flimsy." Erael mocked as she pressed Double D's head to the ground with her staff. "The same goes for all other species; you merely tap into the forces of nature. We twist them to our wishes."

Erael felt cold metal rub against her neck. She turned around to see Eddy, his dagger in-hand and bloody, staring at Erael in confused horror. Erael hesitantly reached for her neck and felt her own blood trickling from a cut.

"You inferior rat." Erael hissed as she lifted her staff from Edd's head and pointed it at the shortest Ed's feet. The floor beneath Eddy instantly took on the properties of quicksand, and Eddy grimly realized he was stuck and sinking.

"We Night Elves are a heartier race than you." She mocked as Eddy struggled in vain to pull his feet out from the viscous ground. "The Seven Gods we worship allow us to survive almost anything."

Ed charged the Night Elf, attempting to repeat the attack he had made against her spider. Unfortunately, the spider wasn't dead yet, and it extended a leg, tripping Ed. Ed laughed stupidly, unaware that he was probably going to die.

"Do you see the futility of your actions?" Erael asked Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Qi merely stood in the back while Erael mocked the group, her back to the door. "It is foolish for the weaker species and gender to attack one who is superior."

"SURPRISE ATTACK!"

Erael turned towards the door upon hearing the contradictory declaration. Two young men in red-and-silver armor ran into the room, swords and shields drawn to attack. The taller one, who had yelled out 'surprise attack', thrust his sword into Erael's spider, killing it. The shorter one charged Erael, stabbing her through the stomach.

The Night Elf coughed up a disgusting combination of blood and bile as she staggered back. The attack wasn't capable of killing her, but it still hurt her badly. When she took a step back, Double D grabbed the piece of paper and hastily read what was written on it.

Then, he broke the biggest rule in the world of Mages: Never mispronounce anything.

As soon as Double D had misread the incantation, a large, red portal opened up in the ceiling. Erael stared at the portal in wonder as it seemed to suck all of the magic out of the room; Eddy was freed from the quicksand, the hands holding the students all disintegrated, and even Erael's dead spider was sucked into the vortex.

After a few seconds, a large, red dog fell from the portal. Erael gave an audible gasp and quickly got down on her knees, bowing. The dog growled and sniffed at Erael before turning towards Double D.

Edd stared at the hound in utter terror. The knights held their swords at the ready to kill the dog, but were too terrified to move. The dog approached Double D and sniffed him over before biting his hand.

Double D screamed in agony as he pulled his hand back from the dog. It felt as if someone had stabbed knives into his left hand, which sported three, red bite-marks in the form of a triangle. Double D looked at the dog in confusion before it vanished.

Erael got up and looked at Double D, clearly confused. She turned and ran out of the building. Why had one of the Hounds appeared to that mortal? Why had it given him the mark? She pondered these questions as she ran into an alley.

"Shouldn't you run after her?" Eddy asked the knights. "I'm kinda shaken by that giant dog thing." The larger knight explained. His voice was deep, guttural, and with a thick, Cockney accent. "'Sides, shouldn't we get your ugly friend to an 'ospital?"

Double D looked at his three bite-marks; they seemed to have healed completely. They were still visible, however, and glowing bright red. That was odd.

"You dorks are always getting intro trouble." The shorter knight said, shocking the Ed's. "It's probably your fault we're in this dimension in the first place."

Eddy and Double D's jaws dropped at the familiar knight's voice. He removed his helmet, revealing Kevin, hatless and with a small beard.

Author's Notes: No, this isn't a Double D fic. It'll focus on all of the Cul de Sac kids. Even Jimmy. And, yeah, I gave Kevin a beard. He's sixteen in this story, remember? Will I keep it or should it be temporary? You decide and I might listen!

Next Time: An Audience With The King