"Why are you so distressed Sirius? You act like a whore anyway; why is this any different? … Act like a whore…. A whore…. A whore…"
Sirius woke with a jolt, his father's voice still ringing in his ears. He lay, eyes staring vacantly at the ceiling, feeling his heart banging quickly in his chest. He shook his head quickly to wake himself up and forced the memory of that awful conversation back down. He never thought about these things if he could possible avoid it. Instead, he sat up carefully, trying not to wake Ollie, who lay sprawled beside him on the dingy mattress. He pushed himself to his feet, checked that Ollie was still unconscious, and crept from the room, attempting to knead a knot from his lower back.
He had crashed for the night in a squat just off Commercial Street in Shoreditch. It was one of the rougher ones, used by anyone and everyone and he had been lucky that Ollie had been there already, saving a space on the mattress. He walked through piles of empty and moulding food debris, scattered with used needles and drug paraphernalia, realising with a grin of irony how quickly he had come to take such grime as the norm. His mother would be appalled. The grin quickly fell from his face. He followed the sound of conversation downstairs, remembering to jump the rotten ones in a move similar to dodging the sinking stairs at Hogwarts. Again, he pushed the thought of Hogwarts down, not ready to face that which he might never see again.
"… she looked like a right fuckin' mess mate. Blood everywhere…"
He recognised the voice as that of Sid, one of the many squatters he now knew. Reaching the ground floor of the disused house, he saw Sid sitting in the open doorway with another man who he didn't recognise from behind. Hearing movement behind him, Sid glanced back and absently waved his spliff in the air as a greeting. Sirius walked over, jumping a pool of water from the leaking roof.
He sat down heaving on the step next to Sid, squinting his eyes at the sudden brightness of the light outside. "Morning."
Sid passed him the spliff and Sirius took a drag. "Not quite. It's about 1 mate."
"Oh is it?" asked Sirius, surprised he's managed to sleep for so long. He took another drag.
"Yeah, we heard the bells go." Sid nodded in the vague direction of Christ Church, next to the market. "This is Mitchell. Dunno if you know him."
Sirius looked past Sid to the man sitting next to him. He vaguely recognised the dreadlocked hair and the tattoos which crept up past his collar.
Mitchell grinned, baring his gappy teeth. "Alright mate! Haven't seen you since that party at Julia's. Mental night."
Sirius smiled back, realising why he recognised Mitchell. "Mental. That MD you sold me was off, you know? I was out for two days." He handed the spliff back to Sid.
Mitchell shrugged but had the decency to look slightly guilty. "Ah you know how it is. Can't control everything that comes my way." He rummaged in the inside pocket of his well-work jacket. "Look, have this here. Would hate to lose an esteemed customer like yourself."
He passed over a small 5g bag of coke with a slight florish, making a passing reference to the unlikely poshness of Sirius' voice. Sid laughed.
Sirius took it, dipped a finger inside and gave it a quick taste. The citrus tang was about right. "Thanks." He scooped up a small mound on the back of his thumb-nail, glanced up and down the street to check it was clear and snorted it quickly. The buzz was instantaneous and wiped out all lingering jitters from his nightmare. He pushed the bag into his pocket and fished out £20. "Might as well take a bit more off you."
Mitchell grinned and fished a larger bag out of his pocket. "Pleasure to do business with you, Sir." He passed it over and took Sirius' money with a grubby hand. "Right, what were you saying Sid?"
"Oh yeah. Well, she was just screamin' and screamin' at him. Looked mental. Calling him a druggy cunt and all that."
"Who's this?" asked Sirius, leaning back against the doorframe and stretching his legs out to catch the summer sun.
"Maud, friend of Julia. Had a nasty fight with her fella last night."
"I know Maud," said Sirius.
"Bet ya do," said Mitchell, grinning. "Sounds like half the men in London know Maud."
Sirius grinned, not really listening but enjoying the coke buzz now whistling through his system.
Sid barked out a laugh, flicking the butt of his spliff out into the road and pulling out a pouch of tobacco to roll another. "Sirius? Not likely."
Mitchell caught on and laughed too. "Oh yeah… spose not mate. Forgot about your sexual circumstances. Yeah, so some bitch on the other side of the road called the police and everyone scarpered fast like."
Sirius lit a cigarette. "Where were they?"
"We were at a party at her fella's. You ever met Kaz?"
"Yeah. Huge guy, just out of Wormwood, right?"
"That's the one. He doesn't like you, just thought I'd point out."
Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "And why not. I've never spoken to him."
Sid grinned, lighting his new spliff. "Don't need to. He took one look at your pretty little face and said he didn't want you around Maud. He doesn't care that you're a fag mate," he added, guessing Sirius's next question.
Sirius grunted an unimpressed reply, but decided that keeping away from this Kaz was probably a good idea. He looked like the type you wouldn't want to pick a fight with.
Mitchell continued. "Yeah, so Maud bursts in to the party, completely mashed and picks a fight with 'im. Stupid fuckin' idea if you ask me. So he slapper her round the face coz he's just been told that she's been fucking this guy he used to be mates with. Turner nasty though, he threw her out into the street, which is where this woman saw Maud with all the blood and phoned the cops."
"Where you there?" Sirius asked, knowing that Mitchell's stories tended to be exaggerated.
"Yeah. Wish I wasn't though. We was all just sitting in silence, not sure whether to get involved or not. Can never tell what Kaz is thinking. Yeah, so the cops turn up and Julia's still high. We're all getting' out of there fast, but we can here her from the other end of the street, screaming that Kaz has a pound of grass in his warbrobe. So they pile up the stairs and find it and four of them have to drag Kaz into the back of the cop car. He's only been out of prison for a month."
Sid was shaking his head. "Wouldn't be surprised if Maud turns up in a body-bag."
"Me neither,'` said Mitchell.
Sid offered Sirius the spliff again, but he waved it away. He was enjoying his high enough. They sat in silence for a few moments before Sirius' restlessness became too much and he got up suddenly. "Right, got to love you and leave you."
"That was a bit gay Sirius," muttered Sid.
Sirius laughed, hopping back up into the building and leaving them to find his jacket and see if Ollie was awake. He knew that the guys tended to be wary around some of the openly homosexual guys who occasionally hung about, and sometimes expressed open dislike. But they liked Sirius as he was funny if he was high, and more importantly, he didn't come across gay at all. Sirius knew this, but also knew that his sexuality often made guys dislike him more purely because they saw his straight persona as a deception and a threat. James, Remus and Peter hadn't though. He frowned as his thoughts trailed to when he had told them…
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He had known for sure for about a year. Ever since he had lost his virginity at aged twelve to a family friend while on holiday in Bavaria. The boy had been three years older, and very experienced. It had been the perfect first time in many ways. Instructive, not too painful, and with no emotional or awkward consequences. Sirius' family had been staying with an important German wizarding family in their Bavarian castle. There had been some flirting, mostly on the other boy's side. Then there had been some stolen vodka, a little fumbling in the downstairs bathroom and on the second from last night of their stay, he had been fucked for the first time in one of the numerous guest bedrooms.
This brief encounter solidified for Sirius a supressed desire for other boys. He had been aware of his feelings while in his second year at Hogwarts, especially due to what James jokingly called his 'unhealthy obsession' with Muggle footballers. James clearly didn't realise how spot on he had been. Or, as it turned out, he had been very aware.
Sirius returned to Hogwarts for his third year with this new realisation hanging over his head. He remembered now sick with nerves he had been the night when all four of them were lounging in their dormitory and discussing Alicia Turner's newly developed breasts. Well' three of them had been avidly discussing the joys of female puberty while Sirius had sat awkwardly, knowing on his lip and restlessly fiddling with the corner of his quilt.
"You alright, Siri?" Remus had asked, and Sirius had been sure there had been a quick exchange of a knowing look between him and James.
He had been extremely aware that it was now or never. He had felt physically sick. But in his typical bluntness, he had just said it. "I'm gay."
He remembered the absoluteness of the silence that had followed this statement. And he was aware of no one looking at him, but rather James and Remus gazing at each other in stunned silence.
"Oh my god," James had said. "We were right!"
This had snapped Sirius out of his miserable silence. "What? You knew?"
James and Remus had laughed suddenly, with Peter joining in. "We suspected something," admitted Remus. "Why else were you always so disappointed if you got a detention with Slughorn rather than his handsome assistant?"
They all laughed again, and the tension broke. Sirius felt slightly hopeful, feeling for the first time that his revelation could go well, rather than cause the resentment, anger and expulsion from their dorm that he had imagined. "Don't you care?"
"Nah," said Remus. "As long as you promise not to try and seduce us in the middle of the night. Or give us too many details when you finally sleep with a man."
He laughed along with James and Peter, but Sirius silenced them when he said, " I already have."
The silence that followed this revelation was somehow more absolute than the previous one.
"What?" Peter had asked, as though it had never occurred to them that Sirius could have had sex so young.
"Why didn't you tell us?" cried James indignantly.
"I just did."
"That doesn't bloody count! When? Where? With who?"
Smiling despite his fading nerves, Sirius had sketched out the vague details.
The others had been stunned, and rightly so. They debated whether Sirius was the first in their year to lose his virginity, decided that he was and then a well timed question from Peter caused a heated discussion over whether losing it to a guy even counted. But Sirius hadn't cared. What mattered was that they knew, and they didn't mind.
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Sirius realised now, and too late, that this acceptance of his sexuality was extremely rare, especially within a group of straight boys. He knew that this secret, combined with their acceptance of Remus' lycanthropy that had been revealed six months later, was partly why their friendship was so strong. Had been so strong, Sirius thought bitterly, until I fucked it all up when… he snorted another mound of coke to fight back these far more recent and uncomfortable memories.
It was time to wake up Ollie, make some dirty money, and if it all went to plan, get hold of a little heroin so he could spend his night in a haze unaffected by memory.
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Sorry about the delay! More soon I promise!