FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE REVIEWED THANKS, AND TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T PLEASE DO I REALLY REALLY WOULD LOVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK GOOD OR BAD.
SORRY THIS CHAPTER TOOK SO LONG TO POST I REALLY WANTED IT TO BE GOOD SO I HAD TO REWRITE IT.
HOPE YOU ENJOY LEARNING A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT PUCK! :)
Beth
Puck remained in the parking lot after Mercedes drove off muttering to himself about his ineptitude. Once he was finally able to move, Puck crossed the street completely in a daze nearly being run over by two cars. Opening the door to his apartment, he couldn't help but wish that there were someone there to welcome him home. Instead, there was only this open empty studio apartment with minimal furniture and a coldness that made him shiver every time he entered. Sadly, this time felt more lonely and cold than ever. At least before, this dismal place offered hope of a new beginning, but somehow, his altercation with Mercedes had taken all of that away. Puck wished he could just erase this day. Wash it away and start all over.
Before, nothing bothered him, and if it did he never let anyone know about it. He was tough. He had to be untouchable, thus Puck. Puck and not Noah could get away with indifference about being fatherless. Puck had to be a bully in high school and public disturbance to keep Noah a secret, only present late at night when Puck was all alone with his guitar. Eventually, those nights were filled with random women and too much alcohol, rendering Noah a diminished miniscule voice in the back of Puck's mind that was barely audible. Having to resurrect, to Puck, what had become a relic was proving more difficult than he had imagined. He was never as perfect as he wanted to be. Tonight proving this very fact to him yet again. Without fail, Puck would perpetuate behavior stereotypical of the him he hated, verifying internal doubts he longed to disappear but could not absolve. Each time, Noah gained a bruise and a setback. Puck saw Noah as broken and battered; abused by neglect that he deemed necessary to survive the life that he had been dealt. He desperately wanted to overcome the demons of his past, and when things were good, Puck knew that he could. Unfortunately, the good days were few and far between. Noah needed those good days, yearned for someone to share them with, someone to be there with encouraging words when he messed up. Dolefully, Puck had no close friends and had possibly ruined any chance of having Mercedes as a friend. Noah knew Mercedes could be good for him and could help him in many ways. In high school Puck had been put in his place allowing Noah to make an appearance, if only momentarily. There was something about her honesty and sensitivity that puzzled Puck and awakened Noah. Noah "Puck" Puckerman needed her. Nevertheless, Puck was resolved that that door was closed welded shut and cemented to the top. He would have to do it all alone, become the man he wanted to be, dreamed he could be, independently. Puck couldn't care, so he didn't. However just like before, Noah begged to differ, and wouldn't allow Puck to let a good thing go.
Often at day's end, Puck was left alone with only his thoughts for camaraderie. Considering these were plagued with hurt and despondency, his thoughts felt more like enemies than friends causing him to desperately crave a warm body and a night of drunkenness. Currently, he had learned to quell these desires.
As a child, Noah discovered guitar; his mother felt he needed something to occupy his time. Therefore, she decided to enroll him into the guitar classes at the Y. He was a natural; catching on with ease, the music always took him away of which he was grateful. Noah practiced hours on end honing his inherent talent. By the time he had reached adolescence, he had begun composing his own songs. Songs he never shared with anyone. He never needed or relied on his friend, his guitar more than when his daughter was given up for adoption. Puck was consumed with such regret and grief that he couldn't permit to destroy him. So, he played every night for a year hoping, to no avail; he couldn't eradicate his helplessness and free himself from his loneliness. Abandoning his friend and Noah to forget, Puck forced Noah deep down inside and only used his guitar for trapping prey, which he found all too easy. Only after leaving Lima did Puck pick up his guitar simply for himself. Rediscovering a passion he had long forgotten, he was reminded of a time where his music could rock him to sleep and make everything okay. As he played he could feel his old self resurfacing, his feelings arising, and he didn't mind. He wanted to feel, to be alive again. He wanted to be Noah.
The barren room beckoned sorrow and depression. A twin bed stuffed in a corner accompanied a rugged couch that couldn't have been worse for wear, which was sad because no one had been to Puck's place during the year he had been living there. There were no pictures on the walls, which were painted a bile brown color that greeted him morbidly each time he entered the room. The one redeeming quality was the large window looking out over the city that opened the room and reminded Puck of the opportunities that awaited his newly found self. His most prized possession sat by the window near his old stool. Beth had been there for him years ago, and she was his everything now. Beth was his escape. She could warm his coldest nights with just one strum. The sound fills the room and paints the walls with sunshine pushing the darkness out and clearing his mind of every depressing thought. Puck hums the melody to a song he hadn't completed, unable to find the right words. He wanted to play until his fingers bled. Until he went back in time and righted all his wrongs. He feels something rising in his throat and can't deny the sinking in his stomach. The song becomes louder and more complex matching the emotions rushing to the surface tempting to boil over. A tear hits the floor simultaneously causing his fingers to freeze. Jolted from his trance, Puck wipes his face and checks the time. Hesitantly, he puts Beth on her stand wishing he didn't have to; unfortunately, he had no choice because tomorrow and every day after required him to rise early and toil the day away until long after the sun had retired. Turning over a new leaf involved legitimate work and lots of it.
Standing in from of the mirror after showering, he looks at the reflection observing himself. His life's troubles lined his face and the sorrow he carried reflected in his eyes giving him a solemn appearance. Despite these indiscretions, he retained his good looks. Walking into the room, warmth he had previously created had vanished causing a chill to run up his spine. After fixing himself dinner, waffles because that's all he bought, he got into bed intent on getting a good night's rest before an early morning. Upon closing his eyes and quickly falling to sleep, Mercedes appears in the distance. Puck calls her name, but she doesn't respond. Thinking she can't hear him, he yells. In response, she turns her back to him. He feels the urge to run, so he does feeling as if it is taking him a lifetime to reach her. Once within reach of Mercedes he turns her around and they are face to face. Something is wrong. Her face is not the beautiful, kind, welcoming one he remembers perfectly from high school; however, it's the one expression he knew he never wanted to see from her, even back then. Failure fills his heart as he sees her disapproving glare. He awakens drenched in sweat, in spite of the fact that he fell asleep on top of the sheets in his boxer-briefs in the winter. He goes to the bathroom and splashes cold water on his face to relieve the tension and scourge the haunting image from his mind.
Lying in bed Puck can't help but think about Mercedes
When I saw her, I hoped this would be my chance to reaffirm my transformation.
She had seen the real me beyond everything else.
I was a complete prick to her at McKinley. Forced her from my life completely.
After that week, she never even looked at me again.
MAN!I wanted… needed…I have to prove to her, to anyone, to myself that I have changed…am changing.
He drifts off to sleep this time proclaiming declarations, inwardly hoping he is free of the ghosts of Mercedes past and present. So much for hoping. Nightmare after nightmare keeps Puck tossing and turning all night. Opening his eyes in the morning, he notices he has developed a slight fear of blinking, terrified that Mercedes' death stare may be branded to the inside of his eyelids.
Retrieving his uniform from the closet, he hastily dresses eager to get to work early. He mounts his motorcycle and heads to the first of his two jobs. Driving down the road, he weaves in and out of traffic with purpose, and the thought brings a smile to his face.