I Heart Fangirl Service
psychoanalyzing stuff since whenever
Bonus Episode:
I am not a Mary Sue!
Marianne Suzette was walking home from school in an alternate reality where Disney and Square Enix didn't exist when she tripped over her way-cool elevator boots and fell into a black hole. We're not really sure where the black hole came from, nor why it was there at the corner of 51st and West Elm Street, but there it was.
Falling through the black hole was very much like falling through the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland (Lewis Carol existed in Marianne Suzette's world, as did Hans Christian Anderson, A.A. Milne and J.M. Barrie) and Marianne Suzette, after she'd gotten over her initial shock, spent several bored minutes with empty air and the force of gravity. She played a few word games to keep herself occupied (Subject – food. Watermelon, noodles, sandwhich, halibut, etc.) until she hit the ground.
With her head.
It kind of hurt.
Getting up to her feet and rubbing the new bump on her head, she looked around and saw that she had landed on a floating bit of land between a boy with gravity-defying hair and another boy who looked majorly ticked off.
"What are you doing here?" Riku asked. He was the one who looked like he wanted to hit something and like he was possibly channeling the spirit of something decidedly malevolent, icky, and loquacious.
"Uh," Marianne Suzette began, but before she could continue, Sora interrupted her.
"Bonus video?" Sora guessed.
"How do you get the bonus video!" asked a crowd of Kingdom Hearts fanatics.
"You can unlock this special bonus video by running around in circles in the collesium for five hours without getting hit by the Ice Titan," replied a mean person with nothing better to do.
"All right!" cheered a sadly high percentage of gullible Kingdom Hearts fanatics.
"I am slightly suspicious of this information," said everyone else except Marianne Suzette, Sora and Riku, who weren't privy to any of the conversation that took place after Marianne Suzette said, "Uh" because Sora didn't remember saying, "Bonus video?" and Riku promptly forgot it because it was gibberish and Marianne Suzette was still trying to acclimate herself to the environment: a floating island! What the muffins!
"Oh," Riku said, his face full of the look of dawning comprehension. "You're a Mary Sue!"
"No, I'm not," Marianne Suzette said defensively. "I'm Marianne Suzette."
"Definitely a Mary Sue," Riku nodded sagely. "Only Mary Sues deny their Mary Suism."
"What are you talking about?" Sora asked.
Riku sort of stared into the middle distance for a moment, trying to figure out what he'd just said. Then he remembered he was mad at Sora.
"That's right, you don't care about Kairi! I've been trying to save her while you've been running around playing hero!"
Sora flushed red.
"Was not! I've been looking for you and Kairi, and you'd know that if you stopped running away all the time, you jerk!"
"Jerk!" Riku repeated, highly affronted. "Well, you're a meany-head!"
"I am not a…!" Sora began in righteous anger, but stopped short. His mouth opened in horror, and he mouthed a few choice words soundlessly before he found his voice. "Meany-head? What the… Riku, that sucked. You're supposed to be the more eloquent of us two."
Riku flicked back his hair from his shoulder.
"This game is rated ten and up," Riku said scathingly, but Sora could tell Riku was embarrassed.
Meanwhile, Marianne Suzette had wandered to the far corner of the floating island and was now brooding to herself.
"I feel ignored and unloved," she said to no one in particular.
"Ah, so you finally made it," Riku said to Sora, deciding that since his dramatic monologue had been interrupted earlier, he should start again. Sora, thinking that the beginning of Riku's monologue really had been quite dramatic and eloquent, though maybe a little confusing, didn't mind listening to it again.
"About time," Riku continued in a bland tone that revealed his Hate and Darkness. "I've been waiting for you. We've always been rivals, haven't we? You've always pushed me, as I've always pushed you."
"Riku…" Sora began sadly.
Thinking that Sora was going to interrupt his monologue, Riku hurried on. He'd been working on this darn speech ever since Traverse Town, had even gotten Maleficent to edit it for him ("An understated taunt, questioning the hero's motives, creating a parallel between yourself and your enemy… quite brilliant. Ready to be possessed by darkness yet?"), and Sora was going to hear the rest of it.
"But it all ends here. There can't be two keyblade masters!"
Okay, so there wasn't much left to the speech, but still…
Sora was obviously not understanding the brilliance of Riku's writing, however.
"What are you talking about?" he asked, much to Riku's annoyance. Then Riku remembered he was so much better than Sora, so of course Sora wouldn't have recognize the awesomeness that was Riku's monologue. Tch. Stupid Sora had been running around playing hero while Kairi…
"Let the keyblade choose it's true master!" Riku shouted. At that instant, Sora felt the keyblade tug away from his hand.
"Wh-what's going on?" he asked, and as if to promptly reply to Sora's question, the keyblade vanished from his grip, only instead of the keyblade magically appearing in Riku's hand, like it usually does whenever one plays the game, the keyblade popped into Marianne Suzette's unsuspecting hands.
"Huh," Sora and Riku said simultaneously, both trying to figure out what had just happened.
"Oh, bugger," Riku said. "I get it now. She's a Mary Sue."
He'd forgotten he'd already figured it out earlier.
"Oh!" Sora exclaimed, quite forgetting that Riku had figured it out already, too, as well as forgetting his and Riku's earlier argument. "That explains it, then."
Marianne Suzette, who was happy that she wasn't being ignored anymore and thought the whole disappearing-reappearing act was pretty darn cool, only said, "It's Marianne Suzette," in a distracted sort of way.
"No, a Mary Sue," Riku insisted. "You're nice, right?"
Marianne Suzette nodded, spinning the giant key in her hand.
"And smart?" Sora asked.
Again, Marianne Suzette nodded and tossed the keyblade in the air.
"Talented at anything you put your mind to?" Riku added.
Nod. Catch.
"And you're very pretty," Sora said.
"Thank you," Marianne Suzette replied easily, because she knew she was pretty, but she couldn't really take credit for it.
"Good sense of humor?" Riku continued.
Marianne Suzette paused, trying to come up with something witty for that, but shrugged and nodded again and held the keyblade out, testing its balance.
"You're nice, smart, talented, pretty, and funny, but..." and here, Sora paused dramatically "Despite your cheery exterior, you have a terrible past..."
"Ye- wait, what?" Marianne Suzette asked, almost dropping the keyblade.
"Something terrible happened to you in the distant or fairly recent past," Riku explained, "and it has caused you terrible pain, and you've since had to wear a mask of forced cheer in fear that someone would find out about this terrible secret."
"I'm not -- " Marianne Suzette began, but she was interrupted by Sora.
"Although everyone seems to like you, there isn't anybody you feel close to, and indeed, the few people you trusted soon took advantage of your kindness, your talent, your quiet nature…"
"Actually, my friends haven't ever --"
"And now you're in a foreign land with foreign people, unsure of how you got here," Riku continued over Marianne Suzette's voice.
"No, the black hole was -- "
"And now that you're here, you will most likely hook up with one of the more good-looking, brooding sort of characters and help him realize that he's really a good person, in his heart of hearts, while at the same time fall madly in love with him, and he you, but only if it weren't for that terrible secret," Sora spoke loudly before Marianne had a chance to finish.
"Look, I feel like you're not listen--"
"But you can't fall for Sora, because his heart is promised to Kairi," Riku said quite seriously.
"Unless the writer hooks me up with Riku, in which case you're ruining our current argument fraught with sexual tension by being here," Sora added.
"Or if the writer has Sora pining away after Squall…"
"It's Leon!" interrupted a faraway voice located somewhere in Traverse Town.
"…Yuffie, Cloud or Ansem," Riku continued as if he hadn't heard the faraway voice in Traverse Town, and considering he, Sora and Marianne Suzette were in Hollow Bastion, Riku probably hadn't.
"No, Ansem is yours," Sora said, "and you're sometimes hooked up with Sephiroth, too."
"Nobody seems to like Cid, though," Riku said thoughtfully.
"I know. I wonder why nobody really seems to like Aerith, either," Sora added.
"And nobody likes the Disney characters," Riku tacked on. "I mean, okay, I'm not complaining – as in I'm definitely not complaining, but nobody really mentions them. Take this fanfiction, for example. Aren't Donald and Goofy supposed to be in this scene?"
"We're over here!" Goofy and Donald said simultaneously. They were playing a word game (subject – animals. Duck, koala bear, raccoon., etc.) to pass the time until their dramatic part of the cinematic came up, which at the pace it was going now, wasn't likely to happen anytime soon. The Beast was also hanging out in the background, too, but since Riku had laid the smackdown on him earlier, he wasn't up to playing games and was brooding by himself.
"I'm worried about what will happen to us when Kingdom Hearts 2 comes out," Sora said fearfully. "Who knows what kind of wacky relationships and plots we'll get into then."
"Kingdom Hearts 2 is already out," Riku said despairingly.
"Oh, the horror!" Sora said in manner that was quite uncharacteristic of him.
"I feel ignored again," Marianne Suzette said to Donald and Goofy, and they were much more sympathetic and would have invited her into their word game if Sora and Riku hadn't just noticed her for the third time.
"Look, a Mary Sue," Sora said.
"I am not a Mary Sue!" Marianne Suzette exploded, much to Riku and Sora's surprise. "I am a character who shares certain traits with the writer who, because she is probably at the age where playing make-believe is no longer socially acceptable, writes so she can live vicariously through me in order to symbolically celebrate the traits she likes in herself and improve or change the traits she doesn't like. She also often hooks me up with canon characters she feels an attraction to or emotional connection with in order to – holy muffins!" Marianne Suzette interrupted herself. "I am a Mary Sue."
Sora shook his head sympathetically.
"It's okay, you've been fairly entertaining so far, otherwise the reader wouldn't have read this far into the chapter."
"What do you mean, 'it's okay'? It's awesome!" Marianne Suzette said enthusiastically. "I'm a manifestation of someone's hopes and desires and first steps to becoming an awesome blossom writer! This rocks my socks!"
Riku and Sora exchanged glances. Riku shrugged.
"Look, can I have that keyblade?" Riku asked, and without thinking, Marianne Suzette tossed it over to him, and he caught it easily.
Before anything else could happen, a black hole appeared out of nowhere!
Well, actually, a little yellow taxi had driven up onto the bit of floating island and stopped between Marianne Suzette, Riku and Sora. The black hole had stepped out of the taxi, and the taxi drove off. What we're not sure of is how the little yellow taxi got there, where it ended up, or how the black hole had managed to pay its fare.
Marianne Suzette was about to jump into the black hole again, seeing as how falling into the first black hole had gotten her here, but then Marianne Suzette realized that this logic wasn't actually very sound, and if she were to jump into this black hole there'd be no telling where she may wind up – the North Pole or Pride and Prejudice or any number of places that wasn't 51st and West Elm Street. Unfortunately, in an attempt to step away from the black hole, she tripped over her way cool elevator boots and fell in anyway.
"Yay! I'm back!" she said excitedly to the lamppost on the corner of 51st and West Elm Street.
Meanwhile, back at Hallow Bastion, Riku and Sora were trying continue the already over-extended cinematic.
"Why were we arguing again?" Riku asked.
"I think it was because I don't care about Kairi, and you're a jerk, only I think Kairi is the cat's meow, and you aren't a jerk, you're just worried about Kairi and angry at me because you wanted to protect me too but to you're utter amazement I was able to take care of myself without you which made you feel insecure because if I didn't need your guidance then you thought maybe I didn't need you at all -- " and here, Sora took a big breath because he had forgotten about commas somewhere in there and so had to add a couple of dashes and a big breath to indicate a pause in his monologue, "or something like that."
"Oh," Riku said. "That's right. Shall we continue?"
"Oh, but of course," Sora replied graciously. "Lay on, MacDuff."