It Ain't No Sin To Be Glad You're Alive
Chapter 4
Rick found himself eating breakfast alongside Hershel and Daryl. The atmosphere was strained and awkward, with none of them able to meet each other's eyes. Their only company was a table full of children, old folks and Karen. When he was sure that their attention was distracted, Rick leaned in and spoke to his two companions.
"We need to go someplace quiet where we can talk," he whispered.
"I don't think you'll have anything to say, that I'll care to listen to," Hershel said dismissively.
"Look, we all know what this is about, and we need to clear the air," Rick insisted.
"Man, I knew this was gonna cause trouble," Daryl growled.
They all got up and found a place out in the yard that was away from the others.
"Hershel; firstly I need you to know that I never intended any disrespect towards you. I was going to speak with you about Beth and me, but I didn't get the chance," Rick explained.
"You didn't intend any disrespect? Just what did you intend when you decided to seduce my seventeen year old daughter?" Hershel angrily asked.
"You know that's not how it was," Rick said defensively.
"I do know she didn't call time on your shenanigans, even though she swore up and down to me that she had. My Bethy isn't a very good liar, you see," the older man said with sadness.
"I hate to say, I told you so, but I did," Daryl said wearily.
"Hershel, I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused you, and Daryl, I'm sorry that you got caught up in all this. But what I'm not sorry for is what's happened between Beth and me. I've got Carl and Judith to keep fighting for, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep this group safe, I always have. But I need something more than that to remind me why life's still worth living. I had Lori, and I'll never forget her, or how much I loved her, I love her still. And I know Beth is half my age, and I should probably be ashamed of myself, but I'm not," Rick explained.
"You've got a lot to say, but what you don't say, is whether or not you love my daughter," Hershel queried as he scrutinised the younger man's features.
"I gotta be honest with you; I wasn't sure how I felt at first, other than I knew being with her made me feel good. But I guess I realised that I wouldn't be putting up a fight for her, if I didn't," Rick said.
The older man sighed, and looked unconvinced.
"Beth told me about how you met her mother while you were still grieving for your first wife. I don't suppose you set out to find someone else to share your life with, either. But it happened, and I'll bet you weren't sorry that it did," the younger man argued.
Hershel sighed again and contemplated everything he'd just heard.
"I'm only asking that you give us a chance, and have some faith in us," Rick appealed to his two companions.
"And what about Carl?" Hershel questioned.
"I'm gonna talk to him, just as soon as we're done here," Rick vowed.
"Well, I'll tell you what. If you can convince him that all of this is a good idea, then I'll give you and Beth my blessing," Hershel promised, knowing it was unlikely and he began to hobble back to the cell block.
The younger man realised the enormity of that challenge, and also that he was expected to fail, but he nodded in agreement anyway.
"Are we okay?" He asked Daryl before they went their separate ways.
"The heart wants what it wants, I guess," he replied noncommittally before walking away.
Carl was hanging out in his cell when Rick caught up to him. He was staring up at the ceiling and his face was blank. Whatever he was deep in thought about was not registering on the outside.
"Hey, mind if I join you?" Rick asked.
"Guess not," his son replied without enthusiasm.
It was hard to know where to begin, but he had to find some way in.
"Will you come take a walk with me?" Rick requested.
Carl reluctantly agreed, and he followed his father out to the part of the prison grounds where they had set space aside for burying their dead.
"What are we doing out here?" Carl asked.
"You know how I met your mother, right? You heard that story more than a few times, I know. Your Uncle Jeff used to take all the credit, but if your mom hadn't decided at the last minute to go to that party, then who knows what would've happened. I sure was grateful for it being New Year's Eve, because it gave me the perfect excuse to kiss her," Rick reminisced.
His son kept on glaring at the graves without betraying any emotion.
"I didn't tell your mom often enough how much I loved her, and I didn't get the chance to tell her that I forgave her for what happened with Shane. I never was very good at saying the important stuff. I realised too late, that none of those other things mattered anymore. You always think there's gonna be time to put things right, but there never is. The way the world is now, we have to keep fighting, not only to survive but to remember why we should even want to," he paused to take a deep breath.
"I brought you out here because I have something to tell you, and I'm guessing that you might not like it, but you need to know," Rick said.
Carl looked up at his father, but his face was still a blank mask. Whatever he might have been feeling on the inside, he didn't let anything show through.
"Beth and I... Well, she's become pretty special to me, and we, well, I guess we're together."
Rick fudged his words a little, but he'd finally got out that he needed to say.
He looked to his son for a reaction, but none was forthcoming, and so he continued to nervously chatter on.
"She'll never replace your mom, and she's not trying too. You and Judith will always be my main priorities, but I need Beth too," he explained.
There was silence for a long moment, and then his son began to chuckle which soon spiralled into hysterical laughter. Rick looked on in horrified bemusement.
"Carl?" He shouted.
He tried to snap his son out of his mania but he just kept on laughing. The boy eventually calmed down slightly, and took a few deep breaths before he was able to speak.
"Beth is nearer in age to me than she is to you. This is just so hilarious, and so pathetic," he said throwing a look of disgust at his father.
"Hey, I know you're upset, but..." Rick was interrupted before he could rebuke his son.
"I don't even care. Just do what you're gonna do, okay?" Carl said and then started to walk away.
"Get back here," Rick commanded.
The boy stopped in his tracks, and he turned around.
"Shane woulda killed the prisoners, and the Governor. If you hadn't killed him, then maybe mom would still be alive now," he shouted angrily.
Rick gasped as if he'd been punched in the gut.
"If I hadn't killed him, then I'd be dead now too," he finally managed to say.
"Sometimes I wish you'd never come back. Mom and me were doing alright with Shane, and he woulda done whatever it took to keep us safe," Carl kept twisting the knife.
Rick felt his anger rising to the point of boiling over, and he started to march towards his son. But he knew he couldn't strike his own flesh and blood, and so he stopped and let him walk away.
"Well I really fucked that up," Rick said as he rubbed at his face and beard.
Beth was cradling Judith but she reached out a hand to cover his.
"It's been a big shock to them, they'll come around," she said more with hope than genuine expectation.
He gave her a sceptical snort to confirm that he was just as doubtful as she was.
"There's no going back now," he said with a hint of regret.
"Do you want me to try talking to Carl?" Beth asked.
"No, no, best let him be for now," Rick cautioned.
Their father/son relationship had been fractured for a while now, and he didn't know how to put it back together again. He tried giving Carl more responsibilities, but he was always truculent and sometimes, downright hostile. Rick's confession; about his relationship with Beth, certainly hadn't helped matters. The things Carl said about Shane, really stung him, and he hoped his son's cruelty had been a heat of the moment kind of deal. He couldn't bear to think that his boy really had such a low opinion of him. It didn't seem like the rift between them could be easily repaired, but he knew he would never stop trying.
Rick took his daughter into his arms as Beth moved to sit behind him on her cell bunk. She began to gently massage his shoulders to try and relieve the many knots of tension.
"I talked to daddy again, and Maggie and Glenn," she said.
"What did they say?" He inquired.
"Daddy said we've made our bed, and now we've gotta lie in it. Maggie and Glenn were a bit shocked, I think. They just wanted to know that we were being, you know, careful," she explained.
"Are they?" Rick was momentarily annoyed by the implication.
Beth sighed, and decided not to mention her sister's barbed comment, about how she hoped she wouldn't be called upon to slice her open in nine months' time.
They had done the hard part of facing their families' wrath, but a few hurdles still remained.
"Do you think we should make like, an announcement to the rest of the group, or something?" She asked as she continued her tender ministrations around his shoulders and neck.
"We ain't exactly been subtle, if we carry on the way we are doing, we won't need to say a word," he sighed at the sensual feel of her hands working his aching muscles.
Rick was glad of the distraction from his darker thoughts. He resolved to talk to Carl again the next morning, when they'd both had a chance to cool down.
He moved to carefully place his daughter into her crib, and then he swung around to capture Beth in his arms. He gently pushed her back against the bunk and kissed her without any regard as to whether or not they would be discovered. His increasing arousal pressed against her as he ran his hands over her body.
"I wish I could have you, right here, right now," he drawled in her ear.
"Me too," she gasped.
"But for now, maybe it's enough that we can just be here together, without having to sneak around," she reasoned.
"Yeah, maybe, although it's gonna drive me crazy," he said with a grin.