Good day! I just have a brief message forALW4who was wondering if Tobias and Tris went to his fear landscape during initiation, if they had a relationship previously, and if Tris is still afraid of him. I cannot explain it all here in the author's note so I decided to emphasize the twist in this fourth chapter. I hope this chapter will provide you some of the answers. This is for everyone. =)

Enjoy reading!

-Iris

Chapter 4: If You Only Knew

Tobias's POV

"Put all your eyes away from me." Peter says with anger in his voice, his hands on a fist. He didn't realize it was me, right? Because if he did then he must have pulled the hem of my shirt for a fight. But instead, he remains standing there, at the center of the dining hall, catching his breath.

I played it well.

Soon, when he's standing straight on his feet again, he continues his way to the refrigerator and gets himself a drink. Everyone in the room begins to ignore him, then, even me and Eliza.

"Don't you want to go to your apartment yet?" Eliza asks, insisting me to join here in getting out of this place. She remains leaning on my shoulder.

"We came here to eat, right? We aren't lasting here for five minutes yet."

"But I changed my mind. I realized that…I'm not hungry at all. So come on," she demands, her voice sounding like a little girl asking her Dad to buy her a doll. "Let's just go and get out of this place."

"Eliza, no." I say, allowing my "Instructor Four" mode work. "We must eat. You don't want to starve for food at the middle of the night."

She don't say anything. She just shakes her head on my shoulder and I know that I win.

I left her for a while and get us some food. When I go back to her side, we begin. She's also trying to start a conversation with me, the kind of conversation that couples usually have, but I find myself not paying any attention to everything that she says. As an alternative, I catch myself stealing stares on Tris who's on the opposite table with her friends. I gaze at her for so long, so long that eventually, I feel something in my stomach that I can't explain.

She's laughing. Laughing while listening to something that Zeke says. Then they all laugh together when Zeke finishes his line. He must be telling them a funny tale, or a joke. Tris is so entertained that I wonder how could she just forget about Peter and the bully that he did to her recently. And most especially, I question the most, why does it seem like she isn't aware that I'm the one who tripped Peter? Didn't she get my message when we looked at each other? Didn't she understand what my eyes were trying to say that now, all she does is to have fun with her friends? Didn't she just—

Great. I feel unappreciated. Looking at her right now tells me the fact that she didn't care about what I did. She didn't care if tripping her enemy is equal to defending her in her behalf. Have she forgotten that Peter and Drew along with the one she considers as a friend, Al, attempted to kill her that I had to save her? Just great.

"Tobias?" I hear a voice say.

But I am absent-minded, my eyes on Tris who, by this moment, is talking to Christina.

"Tobias!"

I shook my head and turn my head around quick. Eliza is raising a brow on my way.

"What?" I ask.

She presses her lips. "All this time that I'm talking you aren't listening? Are you trying to make me look like a jerk here?"

"N-no…I'm just thinking about something else."

"What something else?" She's curious.

"Uh…I'm thinking about the…the next initiation. I-I'm wondering how will we make it all through. Just that."

I realize she seems a bit convinced.

"Kay," she says, turning back her attention to her food. While I…I turn my eyes back on Tris.

Xxxx

Later, when I and Eliza finish our dinner, we begin to walk out of the hall and walk along going to my apartment. She gathers onto my arms as we make our way and it's pretty obvious that she wants me to coddle her but I don't.

"So…what do you want to do tonight?" she inquires.

"What's a good idea?"

"I don't know that's why I'm asking for your opinion. Uhm…you want to lie in bed? You know…we can just talk about stuffs and…cuddle."

"Cuddle?" I chuckle.

"Why?" she leans back, searching for my expression.

"Nothing. Well…if that's what you want."

She kisses my cheek. And I know what's coming next. She releases herself from my arms and pulls me against her, too fast, that I have not protest when she fits her mouth to mine. I don't want to frustrate her either so I just wrap my hands on her waist and kisses back.

But all of a sudden, we are interrupted.

I'm a little glad that we are.

"Four," it's a familiar voice.

I pull away from Eliza and turns my head to see that Lauren is standing few inches away from us.

"Oh, hey Lauren. How's it going? I didn't see you at dinner tonight."

"Yeah, I know," she says, crossing her arms. "Eric is really…annoying sometimes, isn't he?"

"He's always been annoying. But you have to adapt if you don't want anything else."

She inhales then exhales. "I just hope I can do that some more. He called me this afternoon while I was having a perfect time for relaxing and you know for what reason?"

I slightly furrow my eyes. "What?"

"Just to help him in the control room to manage the cameras and the files needed for the next initiation where there's going to be a new batch of initiates. Will you believe that? The initiation is not that near yet! Why does he hurry?"

"Too early." I say, my hand on Eliza's waist. "And how did it go? Have you finished helping him?"

She brings down her arms from her chest. "No. That's why I left already."

"Why so?"

"Because he's also asking for your help."

"My help?"

"Yes. Your help. He told me what once I see you, I must inform you that he needs you at the control room tomorrow night."

I put my other hand inside my pocket, and turn my head at the right, exactly at a wall.

Eric's not too excited to scare the hell out of initiates again, isn't he? If I'm not mistaken, that is his favorite part during initiation. Frightening people. Threatening people. Seeing people down, weak, and in agony. But whatever it is that he wants from me, I must go and meet him, then.

"So I'll see you around, Four. I must fetch myself some meal now."

I nod.

She turns to Eliza. "Hi…by the way."

Eliza just smile a little, probably annoyed when Lauren interrupted us. She finds things like this senseless and that's always been an attitude of hers.

Once Lauren passes our way, we prolong to my apartment.

In there, Eliza keeps my arms around her. She plainly doesn't want any other interruptions or commercials. I know what she does want right now and she's going to do something to have it.

Like what she did at the hallway, she pulls me against her and wraps her arms around me, kissing me with hunger afterwards.

I don't hesitate. I put my hands around her waist and kisses her back deeper. She starts to walk backwards, taking me with her, taking ourselves down the bed. She falls her back on the sheets first then I follow on top of her. She deepens the kiss and I just let her.

But as our zealous kiss goes on, I had the urge to pull back in a sudden and I saw frustration in her face that she tries to pull me again but I refuse this time. I rose from the bed and shake my head. I don't know what's getting into me.

"What is it?" she asks, her voice not concern but rather curious.

I don't response immediately. I just stand there, my hand on my forehead, and I shake my head again.

"This is…unfair."

"Unfair? What do you mean by unfair?"

I look at the ceiling for a few seconds then attempt to look back at her.

"You don'tunderstand."

She narrows her eyes.

"I really don't understand you. Can you please tell me what is going on?"

I shake my head again in negation. "I won't. This isn't the time."

Before she can reply, and before I can feel much more bother, I just reach for the doorknob and leave her inside the room.

I decide to go to the Chasm.

I need a time alone.

Xxxx

Eliza is my girlfriend. She's been my girlfriend for two yearsnow. But I don't why the realization is late to hit my senses. Just when we fall to bed earlier, I remember that she doesn't know everything about me at all. She has no idea at all. At all.

It was two years ago. I and Eliza are in the same class in the initiation. On the first stage, which was the fear landscape, I got ranked first and she was ranked sixth. People call me with nothing but not until my instructor, Amar, found out that I only had four fears and so he began calling me as "Four" and everybody figured out why so they joined with Amar calling me by that name.

I never tell anyone about my real name and the true story behind it. I have trust issues since then and I'm very careful with the people I choose to trust. Then as weeks pass by, I've been close with Eliza and we immediately had a growing relationship. We became a couple. And wanting to be fair with her, I earned so many guts to tell her about the story why I left Abnegation and what do my fears mean. She knew about the beating that Marcus did to me, the trapping in the closet, my fear of heights, and of killing a woman I didn't know. When I didn't see anxiety in her expression… I started to believe that maybe I can trust her, my girlfriend.

But then…just a while ago, at my apartment… I don't know what's wrong. I suddenly feel like something is wrong.

Eliza.

She…

She has not gone to my fear landscape yet and we've shared a lot already. We've shared stories and secrets to each other. We've made bonds together. But…isn't it strange that I haven't let her see my fear landscape yet then yet,she's my girlfriend and we believe that we trust each other?

And stranger thing about it is that…

I didn't let her go through it but I did allow Tris to do so during her initiation.

Primarily, the reason why I allowed her was because I wanted her to have a glimpse of how a fear landscape looks like once they get to the third stage. I wanted her to learn, even just a few things, about overcoming fears when she's on an actual scene already. But although I try to make myself suppose that that is the only reason, I find myself lying. I know that there's so much more than that. Why will I let her come with me inside my fear landscape if Lauren was willing, in her behalf, to permit the initiates to come in hers instead? Why will I? Lauren was so assure that I will never let anyone undergo my fear landscape. But still, I did. And I did it with an initiate whom I just met and I didn't with my girlfriend whom I've known for two years already.

That's what bothering me.

I'm not sure by this instant that I'm leaning against the railing if I'm right with my instinct but my instinct is that…apart from getting Tris ready for stage three, I also trusted her. I trusted her more than I did with Eliza. I trusted her with my own being, and I go confuse as I think about it now. We've just been friends when we went in my fear landscape. We have just built a friendship by that time when I rescued her from Peter, Drew, and Al. That was where it began. But I don't know what made me trust her that way and what made me think that I was right for letting her in. Maybe it was because she didn't see me differently? Or because she didn't say anything against what she knew about me?

But nonetheless, it still happened this way: I tolerated an initiate, a Stiff, to come up to my fear landscape but I didn't tolerate my own girlfriend.

I just told Eliza about my life as a kid. But I didn't show her how it went like. Eliza just heard the details about my life. But she didn't experience it with me. There's a large difference.

And now, as I watch the water hitting the rocks, I wonder if my decision of giving Tris the privilege to be in my fear landscape isright.

You know why?

Because ever since the initiation has come to an end, I noticed that something has changed on her. She rarely says "hi" or even just give a simple greeting when we meet at the hallways. I noticed that she's trying to ignore me and I can't figure out why. Then just this afternoon, when she caught me and Eliza kissing, I saw a type of face expression on her that's hard to explain. I tried to read her but she must be trying hard to hide an emotion. And just this night during dinner, I did something to at least secure her because I knew that she wanted to hold her tongue but then, it seemed that she didn't appreciate it at all. She just sit there and talk and laugh as if what I did harmed her more when actually, it was like she won because Peter went pale and appeared to be scared to death. A kind of thing he never wants anyone to see.

I can sense that something must be wrong.

Tris must be hiding something.

For now, I don't know what it is. But I have a feeling that it has something to do with me.

I hope you understood what I was trying to highlight in this chapter. =) But to give further information, I'd like to add more:

Yes, Tobias and Eliza met two years ago, during their initiation. When they got together and earned each other's trusts, they began sharing secrets and Tobias decided to tell her about his childhood butdidn't, ever, allow her inside his fear landscape. So to speak, Tobias and Tris didn't have a relationship during Tris' initiation but they were friends. It also means that after undergoing Tobias's fear landscape, their kiss at the chasm (which was truly written in the Divergent book) didn't happen in this story. That is thetwistthat I'mmaking. Now, on the fifth chapter, I will let you all know about Tris' point of view about the same thing, and you'd find out about her ownfear landscape.That is where you'd learn if she's still afraid of Tobias or not.

I'm sorry for a long author's note. =) But I would be glad to know what you think about the twist that I'm making. =)

Thank you!

-Iris