Thanks to everyone that has been reading. I notice there are no reviews and I would love to know what everyone is thinking. I'm sure it will help me to write this better especially seeing as this is my first fanfic. Do you think I have made Edward to dark or stayed true to his character at this point in the story? Let me know.

Disclaimer- Twilight and all its associated characters, places and events belong to Stephenie Meyer and the copyright holders. This is a non for profit fan work and no copyright infringement is intended.

INVITATIONS

Journal Entry 8

Every since I was chanced I have known that I was destined for hell but I never thought that hell would come and find me here on Earth. Being this close to someone whose blood drives me crazy, mind is closed off to me, and eyes follow me wherever I go whether she is there or not is enough to send me screaming from any building. Yesterday was the first day after the accident and Bella actually talked to me like nothing was wrong. It was like we never had an almost fight in the hospital. True all she said was hi but I wanted to talk to her so bad. I wanted to explain what had happened. To tell her that she should stay away from me because there was only death and heartache with me but the monster inside would not be stopped. He didn't just show me craving her blood enough to kill her but craving her enough to change her. I knew I couldn't let that happen. If I was to love this creature that fate had torturously put next to me then the least I could do is protect her from me. With that thought I harden my expression and turned away from the one person that I wanted to see the most and she just sat there not saying another word. It was almost harder than that first day. Then I had nearly killed myself and her with thought of her death but yesterday all I could hear was Alice's voice telling me that she loved her too. It was the too that kept running over and over in my head. When I got home I ran. I couldn't take hearing my families thought both good and bad. I didn't want to face Alice and hear how she couldn't wait to be friends with Bella. Didn't she realize that if she was friends with her then that meant I had failed to keep her safe? That the two paths were clearer than even she could see.

Yesterday had been awful but today had been worse. I had expected a repeat of yesterday with Bella trying to talk to me again and my having to turn my back on her once more, but today she said nothing. She just sat there next to me as if I didn't exist. Like we weren't being pulled together by some insane twist of fate. Yes, it was what I wanted and what I knew needed to happen but still it hurt and as I sat there I could imagine her life. High school, college, even marriage. It was perfect just as it should be and you would think knowing that this was right I wouldn't have felt the stab to my not beating heart. I ran again today. I couldn't help it. Just the thought of everyone within the house looking at me and wondering when Alice's vision would come to pass or if I could be strong enough to resist was too much. I would be strong enough and I would hold the vision at bay. I would do what I could to keep Bella away from me. That is what love is all about, isn't it?

Journal Entry 9

Three weeks and you would think that it would be getting easier to not notice Bella but no. I see her in others minds even my sister. On one hand it is strange how Alice misses her. They never even spoke but it is like she lost her best friend. But on the other hand I can understand because I miss her too. I talked to her twice and still I miss her. I miss her eyes the most. I can see them though others thoughts but it is not the same. I run everyday now just to have something to do. It has become so routine and I find that I am enthralled with the workings of Forks high school just so that I can hear about Bella. One day Jessica will love her and I get to hear how Bella helped her with a Trig problem right before class. The next I hear one of the no name boys talking about how pretty she looked with her hair pulled back. I now know more about the student population then I ever wanted to know in my long and complicated life. However, I also know more about Bella and the hardest thing is that she is just plain nice. She is understanding and giving, self-contained and non-imposing. She listens when people talk to her and is open with her responses. She is just nice. What doesn't help is having to sift through the aimless minds of adolescents to get this information. They all seem to have their own version of Bella and none's annoying me more than Mike Newton's. It's like he has made this version of her that is so generic and boring it no way even comes close to the real person that he talks to everyday. And that would be another one of my problems with Newton. He sits on the other side of her in Biology and talks like I don't even exist. I can just imagine smacking him across the room and how great it would make me feel but I have no right to do anything. I gave her up. I walked away and shut her out. True I did it to save her from a fate worse than death or even death itself but it is still hard. I know understand what Alice meant when she said that I wouldn't have the strength to stay away from her. It is like climbing Mt. Everest without any tools and just your bare hands. Basically suffocating. Falling would be easier. Falling off the mountain and falling for her. I could fall in love with her and it would take nothing. No effort, no push, no anything. Just letting myself go but what would that cost me. What would that cost her?

Journal Entry 10

Today I lost. I lost the battle, I lost control, I might have even lost my heart I'm not sure. All I know is that today I gave up the fight. Six weeks, almost two months, countless hours and ridiculous miles of runs and it was all for nothing. Because in one emotional moment I threw in the towel. I knew it was coming but I thought I could handle it. That it would be like any other day, any other situation, and any other question. I just didn't count my response as a facture and now I've destroyed all my planning and my resolve. I want to blame Bella or even Mike but the real fault lies with me and with my own jealousy.

Mike asked Bella to the dance today which I knew was coming but as she sat there next to me looking as though she wanted to turn him down she hesitated. And in that hesitation I saw a future so clear and painful that I almost doubled over from the shock. It was something I had seen before but knew it was right at the moment. Bella moving on, going to college, getting married but this time the thought that she could so completely belong to someone else was like driving a sword through my body. There was every possibility that she was hesitating just to figure out how to let Mike down easy but I couldn't read her mind and in that moment the rage that ran through me was like nothing I had ever experience. The ways that I thought of to eliminate Mike was far worse than anything I ever imagined doing to Bella on that first day and I had thought that was my lowest point. Then as she was telling him no the relief that I felt was better than the best day of my entire existence but it wasn't enough. I knew that she had said no to Mike today but someday she might say yes. Maybe it wouldn't even be Mike but it would be someone and I so desperately wanted it to be me that I let go of everything. I turned and looked at her for the first time in over a month. That alone was enough to make me fall but then she looked back at me and I wanted to tell her everything once again. The only thing that stopped me was the reflection of my eyes in her face and the fact that I could see the darkness there. I hadn't feed in quite awhile and I knew with the temptation that her blood was to me that today wasn't the best day to begin courting her. Yet I still had to speak to her. It had been to long since I had heard her voice directed at me and I needed to hear it. Our conversation was short because she actually told me that she believes that I resent saving her life. The one thing that I have done in my whole life that even comes close to making me worthy of heaven and she thinks I regret it. But how can I really blame her after the way that I have treated her. She walked away from me and my heart followed her. Everyone noticed the difference. Alice almost ruined it by asking if she could talk to her now, but I was still laughing at Bella's reaction to Eric and Tyler's dance invitation. That was priceless.

I have to hunt now. I need to be able to converse with Bella the best that I can tomorrow and the last thing I need is for the monster to poke his head out at me again. Hoping that I will give in to him and take her body to my venom coated teeth. I need to know that I won't hurt her because I now know I can't stay away from her.