Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order: SVU. It is the property of it's respective owners.

Chapter Four

New Job

Walking back inside with the mail, was Elliot as he simply sorted through the mail as if it wasn't interesting. He's been relaxed since retiring from SVU and has never been this great in his life. But it turns out, now that he's available, many others want first dibs on him. In fact, the mail in his hand and the mail over the last few months have been job offers.

Sitting back on the couch reading what they had in store, his wife Kathy walked in seeing her husband looking at the mail. "What do you have there, Elliot?"

"Nothing much, only job offers." He replied, nothing more.

"I thought you weren't gonna go back to work for a while? What about your job as a detective?"

"I've been retired for almost a year, Kathy. Why else am I here all the time?" He said as a matter of fact, "Besides some of these offers are very enticing."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I've gotten offers to work for the military, to become a U.S. Marshall, to work at other police departments elsewhere, like LA or something. And this offer to become a stripper. I really don't know what the hell I'm gonna chose."

For a moment, Kathy thought she misunderstood him when he said 'stripper' so she asked, "Why would you consider being a stripper of all things? I seriously don't think switching from detective to stripper is a good idea."

"Who said I was considering it?"

"You, Elliot."

"Oh that's right."

The hours following their little conversation, Kathy catches notice of Elliot in a suit and something very strange in his hand, walking out the door. Well into the evening.

"Where are you going, Elliot?" She asked him.

"Going to my new job as a vampire. See you in the morning." He answered him as he slammed the door behind him. Kathy didn't know how to react to this, in fact she couldn't even understand it either. But she sighed and shook her head, acting as if that didn't really happen.

Very Weird

Last night was very crazy for Fin, much more crazy than usual. He didn't know who to talk too, Munch wasn't really a good person to talk too, he wasn't sure if he should tell Melinda, or even George (even though he was a psychiatrist). So instead of turning to any of them, even the captain, he went to the only people that could possibly understand.

"Hey Elliot, Olivia? Can I talk to you guys for a second?"

"Sure." Olivia agreed, "What is it, Fin?"

"Well last night, was strange as hell. Not like Elliot dancing in the intersection in his underwear strange, but more what the hell just happened strange."

"There's nothing wrong with dancing in the intersection in your underwear." Elliot remarked.

"So what happened last night?"

-Flashback-

Apparently, in Alex's apartment, she went over to answer the door because she was prepared to meet someone. And it was only Fin; and this didn't look so good.

"What are you waiting for? Come on in."

"So I hear you want to talk about the case? If you want us to find more evidence, you could call."

"I'm sorry, but I brought you here on false pretenses." Alex told him; which made thing more suspicious.

"Well why did you call me here?"

He was caught be surprise when Alex pushed him on the couch and sat down beside him. This made him very uncomfortable, like the time Munch talked about his sexual conquests. Oh wait, this didn't even top what that was. Seriously, it didn't. But it began to progress when she picked up a glass of what ever it was inside. It pretty much looked like white wine.

"Now I brought you here because we don't get to spend a lot of time together."

"Is that even necessary?"

"Yep. Now sit back and taste this delicious wine I picked up the other day." She said, while trying to have him drink it, but he wouldn't budge. In fact, he didn't move at all to be honest. When he didn't drink any of it, she got a bit frisky, "Don't worry, we don't have to do anything that you don't want."

She had no problem saying that while she had her hand on his leg. He looked at her as if she was crazy, but it got more creepy when she leaped on top of him. In his head, this was completely messed up. And the only thing in front of him was Alex smirking at him.

"What are you doing?" He inquired, but before he could say anything else, she placed her fingers on his lips and whispered:

"Shh. The calmer you are, the quicker this will be over."

-End flashback-

After telling Elliot and Olivia about his weird moment with Alex of all people, they stood in silence for what seemed like a minute or two. And all of a sudden, they start laughing at him. He couldn't believe that they were actually laughing at him, and this was the second time in a week that he's shared a story and people have laughed at him.

"Alex? Our Alex? Came on to you?" Olivia laughed, taking breaths between each word.

"That's about as believable as Huang saying he's gay." Elliot also laughed, however... that was true.

"He is gay, remember?"

"Oh really? Damn how long has it been?"

"Few months ago."

Once again, it got silent in the place and it didn't take long for them to leave, chuckling at what he told them earlier as if it was merely a joke. He still couldn't believe that this keeps happening. And all of a sudden, he heard this weird voice come out from a distance.

"I told you that they wouldn't believe you..."

Rock Out!

Another one of those days where none of them had anything better to do. For Elliot, Olivia and Munch, they tried to find something to do with their time. While justice never had a day off, they usually did sometimes but today wasn't one of those time however.

And with the arrivals of Detective Tutuola and assistant DA Cabot, perhaps they could have some harmless fun with the "rookies" of the weird entourage that they call SVU. They waited until they got off work so they could tell them to to stay for a while. Even though Alex didn't have the time to be messing with them.

"Hey guys. We wanted to know if you two wanted to join us with something?" Olivia asked them, in such a suspicious tone.

"Sure. Whatever you say, sexy." Alex responded, looking down at her 'assets'.

"What?"

"Nothing. What is it do you guys wanna do?"

Within an hour later, Alex and Fin were face to face with music equipment that Elliot had in his possession. Neither of them couldn't believe how they managed to trick them so easily and after what seemed to be nearly a minute of silence and blank expressions, Fin opened up and said:

"What the hell is this?"

"I though we should start a band. You know the five of us." Elliot explained.

"Where did you even get all this equipment?"

"I don't know. I came down here and found it one day."

Also trying to keep them there, Munch came over and pleaded. Yep, "Come on you two. If we're gonna work together, then we should at least play music together."

"Alright fine. Got nothing else to do, might as well." Alex sighed. She and Fin dragged their feet over the the multiple equipment that was in front of them but there was one thing that wasn't really resolved.

"Wait a minute?" Olivia wondered, "What roles are we suppose to have?"

"Well my idea was that you do the lead vocals, Munch plays the keyboards, Fin plays bass, Alex plays drums and I play guitar."

"Quick question, Elliot?" Alex curiously inquired, "But do any of you know how to play these things? I mean of course Fin can play bass but the rest of you I'm more concerned about."

"We practice in our spare time." Olivia explained, "And of course Fin can play bass, he's black."

"What?" He exclaimed. They all agreed with that pretty stereotypical fact and he didn't want to bother telling them otherwise. After all that, they started practicing and rest assured, you wouldn't want to hear it even if you could.

Gender-bent!SVU

**Imagine all the SVU characters with switched genders. And there you go...**

Obvious

How to make a good story with Elliot and Olivia?

One: Always have a obvious plot to it.

Two: Always have some sort of rape occur (typically Olivia).

Three: Add a somber moment between Elliot and Olivia, bitches love that.

Four: Make Olivia pregnant, with like a million kids. Who knows? It's up to you!

Five: The baby daddy is never Elliot. Make it the rapist.

Six: To fully pair them up, kill Kathy or Dani. Hell both of you want.

Seven: Rarely use the other characters. It's all about them.

Eight: Add a unnecessary sex scene to the story. Adds tension.

Nine: Go crazy with the story. Who cares, amirite?

Ten: Make a "unpredictable" ending to the story, always angst.

Eleven: ?

Twelve: Profit!

If you follow these steps, them you'll be considered one of the best SVU fic writers in the history of forever, and ever! Results may vary. Don't get your hopes up.

Fan Mail

In some weird set in the middle of nowhere; at least that's what Elliot thought, he and Alex got themselves ready to do some unusual and/or unnecessary ploy without giving any notice to their coworkers and so so. Why did they decide to go in to a set in the middle of nowhere? Here's why.

"Welcome, you know who the hell I am so I'm just gonna cut the introduction short and just get on with it."

That's when Elliot wondered, "Hey, Alex? What exactly are we doing?"

"Glad that you asked. As you may know people send lots of fan-mail these days and finally I decide to answer them against your own will."

"That makes no sense."

"Doesn't have too. Let's move on..." She said, shuffling a bunch of papers in her hand, "Okay, Elliot. Do you mind giving me the questions?"

He looked around a bit dazed before he walked over and gave her the questions that she has to ask. "These will be good. I hope."

"Okay, first question is from 'better than before'. Hmm? Were you better at all, maybe?"

Question: Do you carry a little dog in your purse like Elle Woods from Legally Blonde and do you watch that movie often?

"Actually I don't own a dog. Let alone keep it in my purse." She answered, "I have too many important things in my purse. Like lipstick, my wallet, a gun- Okay I'll just stop before I say anything else. But interestingly enough, I WAS the inspiration for that movie. Not a lot of people know that; but I don't watch the movie a lot anyways."

"I saw that movie. You mean you're a snobby lawyer bitch?"

"Shut up." She scowled his way, "Okay next question..."

"Um, Alex. That was the only question we got."

"So that question was the only one people sent to us?"

"Seems like it."

When hearing this, Alex wanted to either throw something or walk out of the building. But she just said, "Okay, just cut film."

"Wait a minute," He told her, finding another submission, "Somebody else sent a bunch of questions."

"Really? Then I guess the show must go on then." She sighed in great relief. Who knew you could do that?, "Well this person is called Not So Normal. Need I have to ask?"

Question: Have you and Olivia ever kissed?

At that point, Alex felt a little conflicted in answering that question so she whimpered, "No, we haven't. But I wish we did..."

Question: What would you want to do if you didn't have a career in law?

"In full honesty, I would be a detective. Watching these guys do their jobs everyday, being there for the victims, shooting bad people, and that's not everything about it. So if I wasn't a ADA, I would be a detective. That or a pimp."

Question: What do you REALLY think of Elliot?

"If getting to look at his fine ass right now in those tight pants and large muscles how I think of him then yeah. That would be it."

Looking down at his pants, Elliot exclaimed, "My pants aren't THAT tight."

Question: Do you want children?

"Maybe. Next question."

Question: Are you aware of how attractive you are?

"You people think I'm attractive? Well, I guess you aren't the first to think so."

"Now who would that be again?" He smirked.

"Bite me."

Question: If you could pick nicknames for all the guys, what would they be and why?

"Hmm? I think that would be easy. First I would call Elliot 'unstable' because...well you know. And as for Cragen it would be 'chrome' since he's bald. Munch I would call, Munchies. And for Fin, I can't exactly figure out a nickname for him however. But George, let's just say it's not pleasant."

"Well the fact that he's a shrink, Asian and gay, what else did you expect?"

"True. True. Well, that's a wrap for this bit. We'll do this again soon, but next time won't involve me. You can still submit question at the end, and hopefully you guys will this time. Happy greetings and good night, or something."

Bad Timing

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Olivia was on her "flow"? Of course you wouldn't. But this day was something else for the detectives, because while everyone was working, Olivia was late once again. This time proved to be the last time that she would do this. Now there was a few stages to this time of the month, they get more deadly as each stage goes. Well, not "deadly" but let's just say that you'll need lots of stitches when she's through with you.

Stage One: Unusual crying.

While they had to handle a very brutal rape case, for some reason while everyone worked, Olivia sat at her desk crying. Walking to see how much progress in catching the bastard responsible, Cragen notices her sobbing on her desk, so at first he thought this was getting too much to her.

He looked down at her for a few moments until he finally asked her, "What are you doing?"

Answering in place of her, was Nick Amaro, her partner with..."She's been crying for... at least an hour now."

"Why are you crying?"

Breathing heavily between her words, she said, "I...broke...a nail." And she kept crying even harder. Both of them looked at her as if she was either stupid or she was literally crying about a nail. It soon got very awkward for all of them so to avoid things being more awkward as it was, Cragen walked away slowly then ran right back to his office and locked the door.

Stage Two: Abnormal cravings.

One day, still at the precinct, while Fin was heading back to his desk to pick something up he notices Olivia with barbeque sauce and planks of wood on her desk. He normally didn't bother when it came to this kind of thing, but due to the fact that she is surrounded by rib bones, chicken bones, chocolate wrappers, pizza boxes, empty bottles of beer, empty bags of food in general and toothpaste for some reason, he had to figure something out.

Because clearly, she wasn't brushing her teeth with that stuff. And the strangest part is, she gained NO weight whatsoever. At some point in her eating bender, she once stabbed Munch in the hand with a fork, when he leaned for some of her grub; he didn't panic or even worry knowing that there was a fork in his hand, so he pulled it out of her desk and went along with his business.

Anyways, moving on... "What the hell are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

Noticing that she's pouring barbeque sauce on wood, he exclaimed, "You are not about eat wood right now, are you?"

"Watch me." And from then, all Fin could do was watch Olivia bite down on that plank, in an attempt to actually eat it. Worst of all, she was actually managing to bite into it and rip off a huge chunk off, chewing into tiny bits. Fin wasn't sure if her jaw was made out of metal or she was THAT hungry.

"No matter how hard I try, I still will never understand white people." He sighed. All he could do was walk off.

Stage Three: Uncontrollable Rage

This was the worst of them all, because while she was also known for her tough attitude, she was a force to be reckoned with in her "period" stage. Frankly, nobody could either tolerate, handle or even be near Olivia when she angry. And as in angry, let's just say that she's Elliot's kind of angry... times ten.

There were many ways she expressed her anger. Well, not many only two at best. But those two were different in many ways. The first one was how she showed herself at work and how she handled herself when around a possible suspect. Example:

When catching word of something that went on during questioning, Cragen looked for answers no matter where they came from. So the first person he went to was Olivia. The results weren't pretty.

"Liv!" He yelled towards her.

"What?" She replied... but with a deep, dark and evil tone in her voice as she said that.

At that exact moment, Cragen panicked and tried to improvise his way out, "No, no, no, nothing. I was just seeing where you were. That's all, go back to work." He wished that never happen again.

Now the other side was much much worse, when she and Amaro went to question a possible suspect at a apartment building in Brooklyn she was fully prepared to bust some ass right then and there. When they actually got there, she stomped her way to the apartment room and they managed to find the place. Or so they thought.

"Um, Liv? Are you sure about this?"

"Someone must give that little girl some justice. And he's about to get a taste of jack!" She answered him, slamming her fist in the palm of her hand. He knocked on the door, and in some moments a woman opened the door, and that's when she stormed in there.

"You! Get up!" She yelled at the man sitting in the couch.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm a cop and you better tell me why you raped that girl?"

He got out of the couch and defended himself, "I did not rape anybody. Girl, you are crazy."

Then at that moment, she started chuckling under her breath... until she snapped, "I'll show you crazy!" That's when she picked up a lamp and threw it against the wall; meanwhile, while he kept his wife out of the way, Amaro noticed the sign on the door and then the address he and Liv got. The number on the door was 431, the number on the address was actually 413. Which meant that they were far off.

While he noticed the apparent mix up, Olivia still proceeded to tear up the apartment and threw things at the man, whist yelling at him. "I did nothing. Do you understand me?"

"I'll shoot you in your lying fucking face if you don't tell me the truth!" She yelled again, this time throwing the couch at him. When Amaro tried to keep her from doing more insane things, the guy ran out of the building in order to avoid being killed.

"Somebody help me!"

"Don't you run from me, bitch."

Olivia proceeded to chase after him, while Amaro then mumbled under his breath, "Wrong apartment. Damn it."

Much later, all he could do was watch as Olivia effortlessly chased after a innocent man. He still stood his innocence and still cried for help, "This bitch is crazy! I didn't do nothing! I didn't do nothing!"

End result, she somehow managed to keep her job. Let along stayed out of jail for what she did.

The Power of Wigs

Like everyone, Olivia and Amanda were working just like everybody else. Though one day, while sorting through multiple papers which they considered never ending torture, Cragen came out of his office and decided to call them over.

"Liv, Rollins, could you two come in my office for a minute?"

A little curious, she asked Olivia, "What could the captain want?"

"Beats me. Come on, Mandy." She replied, but Amanda was a little struck when she heard her.

"What did you call me?"

"I called you Mandy. Something wrong with that name?"

"No it's just... no one's ever called me that before."

"Well come on then."

"Okay." She murmured, while in her head, she was letting out many fan girl-level squeals. She was clearly happy. Anyways, they went into his office and tried to figure out what their captain wanted. But he got the point before they even asked.

"Do you two think I'm bald?"

In her best attempt to try to make him feel good, Olivia answered, "Noooooo. You're not bald, captain. You look wonderful."

Amanda didn't really know what she was doing, which was why she rebutted, "Oh yes, you are very bald, captain. What Liv is telling you is a lie, you're bald."

"That's what I thought. Thanks, Rollins for being honest. But still, it sucks that don't have any left on my head."

"Well if it'll make you feel better, we'll all go bald so you don't feel left out."

"Oh no," Olivia quickly disagreed, "The farthest I'll go is butch, bald is unacceptable."

"Girls, I appreciate the offer but I'd rather not see Munch with no hair, he a sad, sad joke as he is. But what do you two consider?"

And in a instant (sort of), the three were right outside a shop that just happens to sell wigs. Cragen wanted to know what the hell is going on and why they dragged him to a freaking wig shop of all places.

"Why are we here?"

"Well," Olivia began explaining, "Since hair products are basically useless and we can't make wigs ourselves, this was our only option."

"Are you sure any of the wigs in place is any good for me?"

"Sure of it. We found the place when we did this drug bust."

"We don't do narcotics."

"We worked with them in this one case." She said, "Any who, we are here to help you, so let me and Mandy help you."

*Amanda starts squealing inside her head again, she felt very happy inside when she did it again*

"Okay then. Come on, Liv. Come on, Mandy."

*She is displeased when she heard Cragen call her that.*

They walked into the store and were almost immediately greeted by an employer that worked there. Everybody that used to work there are likely in prison. "So what you I like to do for you three?"

"Oh, our captain needs a wig." Amanda told her, "What's the best you got?"

"Let's see."

For the next half hour, Cragen tired multiple wigs with different styles. One was a mohawk wig, which the two laughed at, they also laughed at a bowl cut wig, a long haired one and the list went on and on. There were some wigs that they thought looked good on him, but he didn't like them. And there was some wigs that he liked but they thought would look ridiculous on him. With now an hour passed, it seems as though he finally found a wig he might like.

"Hey, how about this?" He asked them, this time he was wearing a afro.

"Really?" Olivia exclaimed, but she was tired so, "Might as well. Let's go."

When Cragen purchased the one he wanted, the question was how would others react to it. So that's why Amanda asked, "Are we really gonna let the captain go out into the streets with a wig like that?"

"Hell no." Olivia replied, "We'll let him wear it at home or maybe at the precinct but we are not letting him go out with that."

"I guess you're right. For once." All they could do was avoid being with him if he did.

End of Chapter Four

Note: Please note that for anyone who ships Elliot and Olivia, I only did that as a parody. No offense to any writers but hey, don't feel bad, just laugh. I'll parody any pairing if I want too, or unless someone asks. If you ask on some agenda against it, then I won't do it.