Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Cardcaptor Sakura, Fatal Fury, King of Fighters or Street Fighter.
Chapter 2: Enter the Dumpling.
An hour after leaving the "An" Gates of Konoha, Wang Wei and Naruto, both filled to the brim of their stomachs, kept talking of the glories of China until the subject went stale. After that, for little more than half an hour, the two walked on in silence. The two were making pretty good time, considering that they finally left the village two hours later than they should have.
It was four in the afternoon of an unusually hot day, and Naruto found himself sweating his balls off--figuratively speaking, of course. But carrying a pack full of six months worth of stuff (ramen, spare boxers and shirts, not to mention his shurikens, kunais and other shinobi equipment, and miscellaneous items) was hell on the kid's back. That much stuff weighed about a hundred pounds, something only Rock Lee could manage on the day-to-day basis. Wang Wei had just a little more than half that weight in camping gear slung around his shoulders in a large pack, and already he was beginning to tap out. After trudging under the shade that provided a little relief from the sun, but seeing no village to rest in, they decided to camp out for the evening by a quiet spot a little ways from the road, near a thicket of trees for a wind-breaker. The tent was set up and finished with the last spike driven into the ground. And done by six in the afternoon, an early supper was in order--only instead of Naruto's usual binge of ramen, Wang Wei introduced him to Chinese dumplings.
"I've never had dumplings before," said Naruto.
"Then you have been missing out on a real treat, Naruto," replied Wang Wei, waiting for the pot to come to a boil on the campfire. "Dumplings are one of the great traditions of China."
"Really? How many flavors are there?"
The man smiled at him like he had no idea. "Endless. You can stuff them with fish, pork, vegetables, shrimp, and other things, and boil them, steam them, and eat them like plump pieces of ramen. You can even saute them, fry them, roast them, even barbecue them, and dunk them into a bat of soy sauce, and other dips, like pot-stickers. You know what pot-stickers are?" And seeing the boy nod no, he continued, "You'll know soon enough, once we get to Hong Kong. Truly, Naruto, there is no limit to what mankind can do with dumplings."
Drool started to drip from Naruto's grinning mouth, as the pot of dumplings started to boil. Once the lid was off, a wonderful odor of dumplings filled the camp and enveloped Naruto, hitting him like a punch in the nose. It smelled so good, it made his nose bleed--it smelled that good. Then Wang Wei set a few bowls of steaming dumplings on the small table between Naruto and himself, and thanked to the Lord Zao Shen before feasting.
"Uh, Mr. Wei," said Naruto, "who is Zao Shen? Is he an ancestor of yours?"
"No, no. He is the Kitchen God, or Stove God." Then seeing the boy look a him strangely, he went on, "He's an old custom some of the Chinese observe when we come together to eat, usually at supper or dinnertime. You going to eat those dumplings?"
"Oh. Yeah, I will," and his first bite into a genuine dumpling exploded into his mouth molten hot. He swallowed in agony. "AH, THAT'S HOT!"
Wang Wei could not suppress his laughter saying, "Blow on it before you eat it. You know it just came out of the pot."
"You could have warned me earlier," said Naruto, fanning himself with his hand.
"Yes, I know, but it's funnier this way. Ah, don't pout that way. Every novice goes through that. I did. Consider it a right of passage. You can never truly enjoy a dumpling, until you've tasted its burning sting. Take another bite, you'll see."
Looking at the dumpling half still pinched between his chopsticks, Naruto looked at him skeptically, then ate it. And it tasted like heaven, steamed pork stuffing, broth and utter delight, all of it going down easy this time. "Mm-mm-mmm!"
"I told you," said Wang Wei, before taking another bite.
"Do they serve more of this in your place?"
"Indeed, Naruto. And many other things, I assure you."
It goes without saying that they went on feasting, blowing the dumplings cool, eating and savoring them, just as they did with the ramen back in the Ichiraku Bar. So in splendid eating, Naruto took a moment for reflection.
Kiba, thought Naruto, when I come back, I'll kick you so hard, you'll freaking piss blood for a week, for what you made me do! But I got to hand it you, man. Without your help, I would've never gotten this awesome mission--or this awesome food. Man, I can only imagine the look on your fuzzy face, when you find out I'm off to Hong Kong. Yep, the ultimate payback, believe it! Try sucking on those apples, Dog Breath, he-he-he!
"Naruto," said a smiling Wang Wei, the blond taking a moment to collect himself. "What happened to you back there?"
"What do you mean, Mr. Wei?"
"I mean, why do have a black eye? You don't have to answer, but I'm just curious."
"Oh, this?"--pointing to the eye in question. "You'll never believe me. I mean, it's kind of funny but it's kind of not. You get me?"
"I'm a man of quite a few years, Naruto. Try me."
"Well, all right. It kind of happened like this. First I was cutting up the vegetables, you know, minding my own business and all. Then Kiba came around and helped with sorting out the fruits, because some of them were rotten. We were sorting them, you know--making the preparations for the Daimyo to come to the village for some celebration. I think it has something to do with some kind of honoring ceremony for the dead--I don't know, something like that. Then we got into an argument over which was rotten and which wasn't. I think Kiba needs his nose checked or something, because that one apple didn't have a single wart on it. Anyway, then we argued some more, and threw fruits and vegetables at each other. It was kind of fun, actually. Then I threw an orange at him, and he ducked, the bastard, and it ended up hitting Sakura in the eye. She has a black eye now, and she blames me for it--but it's all Kiba's fault!"
Wang Wei raised his eyebrows. "But you explained how she got a black eye, not you."
"I'm getting there...Well, after that I got sent to the Hokage's office, you know, Lady Tsunade up in the tower, to explain everything that happened, and I had to apologize. So I did apologize before I met you, but Sakura punched me in the eye anyway saying, 'An eye for an eye.' It was an accident, you know. I mean, I guess I deserved it."
"Of course you deserved it, accident or not. Trust me when I tell you, when it comes to women, a true man never disputes any wrong he had done to them."
Naruto Looked at him like he was Pervy Sage from the way his last five words came out. "And how do you know about that?"
"I know," said Wang Wei, "because I am obligated to one. My life is full of them, I assure you. First, the wife of a deceased friend. Then their four daughters, and then a most impetuous niece, all of whom I look after--All. Living. Under. One. Roof."
"Whoa!"
"'Woe' indeed."
"How the hell do you handle that, day in and day out?"
"I don't know. I guess you just get used to it, though getting used to it is not the right way to put it," but one look at Naruto made Wang Wei say more. "Ah, but don't worry, Naruto. You and I are not the only males to live under that roof. I have a step-son about your age, Syaoran, living there too. Though he denies it, I can tell he is in need of a brother, for I fear he is getting a bit effeminate. He spends more and more time on the phone, talking to his sweetheart in Tomoeda. It's a bit of a long story, but I'll tell later. Maybe he'll find that long-lost brother in you." The blonde smiled, but it disappeared just as quickly. "Ah, don't be that way. Surely, you must have a brother or a sister or someone waiting for you back in your village."
"Nope, not anymore."
"A cousin? A mother? A father?"
"Nope."
"A foster family?"
"Nope. I live alone."
Wang Wei barely caught himself from choking on a dumpling. "Nobody! You're an orphan?"
"Yep. I don't even know what most of them look like, let alone know them. I have no family photos. Well--one, I guess. I only know what my father looks like, because I see his face every day--you know, the fourth face on the mountain, next to the Fifth Hokage's."
Wang Wei didn't notice the dumpling still in his chopsticks, after hearing what he said. "Blind me now! Your father was a Hokage?"
"Yep, and that's what I'll be when I grow up, believe it! I'll be a Hokage like no other!"
"But how on earth did you lose such a father?"
"I didn't lose him," said Naruto, his blue eyes softening momentarily. "He was taken away from me--him, and the rest of my family--when the Nine-Tailed Fox attacked the village."
After hearing the tragedy, Wang Wei placed a hand on Naruto's shoulder, the way a father does to comfort a son. "I'm sorry, Naruto. I never thought it would be that way;"--now pausing. "I'll tell you what. You work on becoming the best Hokage you can be, and I promise to pay for all the meals from here to Hong Kong. Is that fair?"
Naruto beamed at him. "You mean it, you really mean it?"
"I never go back on my word, Naruto."
"You're on! Wait a second, but with Chinese money?"
"I'll try my best, I assure you," and Wang Wei ate his neglected dumpling.
They continued eating into the evening, talking of other things all the while, until a good number of bowls and two stomachs full of dumplings later, the two called it a day and went to sleep in their sacks. Only, one of them wasn't sleeping too well.
While Wang Wei slept peacefully in his night sack, Naruto couldn't sleep a wink of peace. He found himself sweating for no apparent reason, turning over in his sack for a better position. He felt uneasy. Why? Not because of the heat. Not because of the dumplings. Not even because of his mission. It was because he felt something rumbling in his ears, a low flood of murmurs from a distant crowd. Then he blinked and thought he saw something moving in the shadows. He couldn't move, either. He blinked again and thought he saw the faintest of lights from above. He kept blinking, and the lights became brighter. And when he shut his eyes once more, he at found himself on some sort of elevated platform. He wondered what it could be used for, until the glare of the lights over him let him know where he was: an arena. In this arena were rows of old seating around him, and in half of those seats were human-sized dumplings--talking, eating, betting, arguing, thinking, and watching. Pretty soon, Naruto felt like the observed of the observers, as many in the dumpling crowd watched and considered him. Then they booed him.
When Naruto opened his eyes again, he was immediately in his sleeping sack, beneath the tent, and next to a snoring Wang Wei. But when he closed his eyes again, he was back in the arena with these talking dumplings filling the seats around him. Naruto thought it was all in his head (and technically it was, since he was dreaming it), but it sure as hell didn't feel like a dream. He breathed the musk of dumpling, stood well enough on the platform, and saw and heard the dumplings booing him; and no amount of self-pinching, self-testing or self-denying brought him back in his sleeping sack. Then he thought about all the booing dumplings, and how they were all getting on his nerves.
"Oh, yeah, you think you can boo me, the next hokage?"
The dumpling crowd booed louder.
"Well why don't you just come up here, if you have any guts, you pork-filled douche bags!"
Some of the douche bags were pissed off enough to get off their seats, and actually challenge the blond shinobi, had not their fellow dumplings restrained them. Naruto went on taunting them until an unexpected hush fell over the arena. Though he didn't know why at first, the blond soon knew when the dumplings broke into a booming cheer, as somebody, presumably the dumpling champ, came in. Naruto could hardly believe his eyes at the sight of this titan of a dumpling (the Dumpling of Dumplings, for all he knew), who was twice his height, and five times the bulk of the other dumplings, and around it's waist was an apron with a dumpling and the kanji of "rikishi" on it. On top of that, especially when he saw it step onto the platform, the immensity of its girth and height besides, the blond saw something he didn't expect. Unlike the other dumplings, this one had a hide of gritty sandpaper, and Naruto knew that punching that would scrape against his knuckles.
Then the crowd simmered down into silence before a smaller dumpling in a green imperial-looking attire, maybe the referee, entered the platform. Then another dumpling, this time in a tuxedo (if you could call it that) came up and made the introductions. It said, "Ladies and gentleman, we have here a peculiar exhibition match tonight, one that I know will be remembered. For the first time in the history of this tournament, you will see our champion, Jiaozi the Huge, face off against this scrawny little meatball of a non-dumpling."
The arena full of dumplings laughed their douche bags off.
"Say that to my FACE, you tuxedo douche bag!" yelled the blond, an arena full of boos aimed at him.
"I already did," replied the Tuxedo, to the laughter of the crowd.
"Oh yeah? Say that again and I'll beat you to a pulp, believe it!"
More booing.
"That's the spirit, but save that for the fight, kid. So with--"
"Backing out so soon, eh? Well you picked the wrong--" but before Naruto completed the sentence, and amidst more booing, the platform shook beneath his feet. "What the Hell?"
Naruto turned and saw the massive dumpling named Jiaozi. The arena was silent.
"Did you do that?" he told him.
Jiaozi, believe it or not, acknowledged with a nod of his...uh, head.
"All righty then. So without further interruptions, LET'S GET IT ON!" said the Tuxedo, getting off the platform before the blond pounced on him. The crowd was roaring.
The two contestants then stood at the center of the platform, with the referee saying, "Now I want a good clean fight. No head-butts, muay-thai elbows, or nut-jabs. Is that clear?"
Jiaozi the Huge nodded yes, but Naruto was dumbfounded.
"How can this guy have elbows?"
"Trust me, kid. He has everything you have," explained the referee. "Including nuts, so don't get any ideas. Now, are you ready?"
"Yeah, sure," he said, and the match started with Naruto staring in awe--in awe!--at the enormous dumpling, swinging from side to side like a jiving punching bag.
He wasn't sure how to approach this guy, so without another minute's thought, Naruto rushed at him. Bad idea. He ran straight into the hardest punch his head could sustain without losing consciousness, staggering back like a drunkard before recovering. The dumpling audience gasped. Undeterred, the blond yelled, "Shadow-Clone Jutsu!" confident his clones would overwhelm his opponent, but they didn't. When they got close enough to land a blow, they were picked off with boulder-fisted punch after boulder-fisted punch. Those punches were not only accurate, but felt like actual boulders. Naruto tried more of his clones on him and got the same result.
Then Naruto noticed something. Jiaozi was a dumpling with no obvious limbs to keep track of, his rough hide acting like a curtain hiding his punches. That left out any direct attacks. But he couldn't use any long-range attacks inside an arena full of spectators, either, if he didn't want to cause a bigger scene than he already had. He needed to beat him somehow, to get an upper hand on him, but how? Then he had an idea. Then the crowd of dumplings gasped in utter horror.
Naruto used his ninjutsu to transform into an orange version of Jiaozi the Huge. Then the blond cloned himself, and the murmurs went flying around the arena, from "Holy Eggnoggin!" to "That's not fair! He's cheating!" The crowd notwithstanding, Naruto and his clone double-teamed the opponent, taking him to the ground in a crushing tackle. Then the dumpling-shaped Naruto leaped in the air and fell, landing his best dumpling elbow into the softest part of his opponent's body, not realizing it was poor Jiaozi's nuts. A cry of pain echoed through the arena, and the third and loudest gasp of shock sounded through the crowd; then they booed Naruto like hell this time, stomping on the seats with their douche bags.
Despite this, Naruto got off of his opponent, and his clone helped the fallen dumpling to a vertical base, before releasing his jutsu and saying, "You okay, man? I hope I didn't--"
"You landed on my family jewels!" cried a high-pitched Jiaozi, tears streaming down his dumpling face from wincing eyes. The crowd kept on booing.
Naruto was about to say something, when the dumpling in the tuxedo came up and announced, "Due to the despicable--" Then seeing the boy clench his fist at the word, he said, "I meant unintentional low blow," the crowd throwing curses and trash at the blond for this, "the contestant is hereby disqualified," at which the crowd roared with approval.
"It was an accident, for God's sake! How was I supposed to know where his nuts were?"
Then came the loudest uproar of boos from the infuriated crowd. They were throwing rotten lettuce and tomatoes at him, now.
"Oh yeah, well I'll show you where your eyes are with my fists, if you don't believe me!" continued the young shinobi.
Too bad for Naruto, he wasn't paying attention to Jiaozi, who, seeing the perfect opportunity for vengeance, leaned back his head as far as he could and swung it like a catapult onto the boy's head, head-butting him into oblivion. The last thing Naruto heard was the fading cheer of the crowd, as he slid into unconsciousness.
When Naruto opened his eyes, he found himself in his sleeping sack with the most apocalyptic headache he ever had since God knows when. Not even Sasuke could dish this out, and he could dish out one hell of a headache. Then Wang Wei came in with a boiling pot of you-know-what saying, "Naruto, you're finally awake. Care for another round of dumplings for breakfast?"
Naruto gulped, a look of horror on his face.
*** *** ***
Laughter, nothing but laughter came from Wang Wei, when Naruto told him why he did not want any dumplings for breakfast. If you want to know why, well, here it is. For Wang Wei, just the mere thought of any mortal challenging the great Jiaozi the Huge (also known as Jiaozi the Avenger to offending mortals who enjoyed too much the taste of dumplings--like Wang Wei, for instance) and surviving was an impossibility; but if he took Naruto's word as fact, which he did, then he was looking at a prodigy. He was amazed, to tell the truth--amazed, but still laughing.
"That's not funny. I said that's not funny; it really hurt when he head-butted me!"
"I know," said Wang Wei. "Ha-ha-ha! But your actions certainly were. Who'd ever thought you would make Jiaozi cry uncle like that?"
The boy grinned at the thought. "If you say so. I guess I showed him a thing or too."
"Ah, but that's where you're wrong."
"Yeah? How so?"
"You see, Jiaozi is not only called Jiaozi the Huge, he is also called Jiaozi the Avenger. He always gets his revenge, even after you subdue him. Case in point, he head-butted you after y-y-you elbowed him" he said, laughing at that particular detail. "I can't believe you actually did that!"
The boy was laughing too. "Then, we're even."
"Indeed, you are. Just pray you will be on friendlier terms, when you see him, again."
"WHAT! I don't--"
"Just kidding, you'll never see him, again," said Wang Wei--Naruto sulking at being played with. "Ah, don't be the way. Jiaozi will not return, I promise."
"How do I know you're not pulling my leg?"
"Trust me. I was barely half your age, when I had my run-in with Jiaozi. I was standing on that very platform, surrounded by that very crowd and scared beyond my wits. In fact, I was crying so hard that Jiaozi came to comfort me and granted me amnesty. He is not only vengeful, he is also compassionate; remember that."
"I'll stick to ramen, though. Just for a little while."
Wang Wei laughed, again.
A/N: I'm sorry I haven't been updating lately. School is a killer, let me tell you. Anyway, don't think this is just a filler chapter; I don't know, maybe it is, but take this chapter with a grain of sugar. Consider this a funny preview to the fighting that will take place as this story goes along. Also, Zao Shen is the Chinese god of the hearth or kitchen, and Jiaozi is a Chinese word for pot stickers. If you don't believe me, look them up at Wikipedia. Anyway, read and review. For God's sake, review--I NEED them!