DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, or his universe, or his owl, or even his awesome wand polishing kit. That's all the property of J K Rowling.
TITLE: Harry Potter and the Fruits of Ennui
SUMMARY: Announcements are made, tantrums are thrown, and rooftops are blown. (Oops... was that a spoiler?)
Author's note: It's my birthday. A couple of days ago. Have another chapter!
"- so far, but we have been assured that Al-Qaeda was not involved in the disturbance. The stadium has been evacuated and no other casualties have been reported as of twenty minutes ago, and- "
"Apologies Madeline, but we'll have to leave it there - we're going straight to the feed outside Downing Street to hear from the Prime Minister. Whether any light can be shed on the situation or not remains to be seen... "
"There is, of course, a limit on what information can be made public, but I will try to inform you as best as I can. The... incident... at ExCel London was widely broadcasted, and what transpired on-screen was unthinkable if not distressing. We can confirm that the single casualty, Miers Porgan, has been - er - reverted to his normal state and is in a stable condition. We have some idea of what we're working with here, and we are taking every precaution to secure all metropolitan areas against the imminent threat.
"We have gathered considerable intelligence to infer that we are, currently, only dealing with a single perpetrator, who is unaffiliated with any known terror organisation and is, to our knowledge, acting alone."
But Mr. Prime Minister, we saw Miers Porgan's head turn to solid tin! Live!
Yeah! And it was shaped like a-
"We're very grateful for your patience, and will endeavour to address any further concerns at the earliest convenience. Thank you."
Harry Potter hated water.
He undoubtedly appreciated all that the slippery classical element had to offer, but Harry still feared it like no other force of nature. Having neglected to learn how to swim properly until he began his Auror training, his track record below sea level wasn't that surprising. But after encountering angry merpeople, a lake of Inferi and almost drowning under ice, one would think that Neptune had it in for the Wizard-Who-Won.
And he probably did.
After pulling himself out of the algae-covered pond with as much deftness as a soaking wizard could muster, Harry counted his blessings as he applied a light Drought Charm to his clothes. It could have been much worse: he could have Apparated into the pond, as opposed to just above it.
The Reversal Squad never did quite manage to un-bloat MacPherson.
His eyes traced over every chip and crack of the brick house ahead. It felt like an age since he had last come here, with a wreck of a motorbike, broken ribs, and down a friend or two.
The first of many, not to mention...
Harry sidled up to the oaken back door, twirling his wand anti-clockwise before tapping the iron handle five times on the bottom, then thrice on the top. One satisfying click later, he was safely inside the kitchen, free from-
"HARRY JAMES POTTER!"
He froze for a moment. It should have been expected, but if Harry was honest, this was as far as his plan went with saying goodbyes.
"Hey... Aunty- "
"Don't you dare 'Aunty' me, young man," whispered a white-faced Andromeda Tonks, her eyes as wide as saucepans. "What on earth are you playing at this time?"
Harry let out a weak laugh. "Well I was trying to win a talent show, funny enough..."
Andromeda clearly didn't find it funny, as her lips seemed to cave in on themselves. Harry winced.
"I know, I know," he said, slouching on the spot. "It does seem kind of stupid."
"Try absolutely moronic."
He gave her a sheepish nod. "All right, I'll give you that. But believe me when I say this, Annie. We've been planning this one for years, now."
"You and who?"
After a moment of silence, Harry mumbled his humble servant's name, looking at his feet all the while.
Andromeda flared her nostrils. "You idiot." Harry looked up at her, his eyes ablaze in outrage. "Did you stop to think for one second- "
She stopped herself there, taking a deep breath and unfolding her arms as she looked over at the door behind her. When she opened her mouth again, her voice was far softer.
"You have a six-year-old godson in there, Harry. Six. Were you thinking of him? What would his mother say... don't answer that, actually," she added with a raised hand. "But what do you plan on doing now, hm? How are you going to explain to that poor boy that he can't go to school? Ever again?"
Harry guffawed. "Explain? Explain, Annie? I don't need to "explain" anything! He's free. You're free now, too. Never again will you have to "explain" to school counsellors why Teddy looks like he's been under the knife more times than Jackie sodding Stallone!"
Andromeda stared at him for awhile.
"What... who even is that, Harry?"
Harry rolled his eyes. "Never mind. Look," he said, pulling out a small silver key from his jacket pocket, "Sirius' vault key. It's his now... guess it always was, really."
As if on auto-pilot, Andromeda nodded soberly, clasping a quivering hand over his own.
Harry exhaled. "I'm heading off. With Kreacher. We'll send for you at some point - we've had this planned."
"Do you want to see him?' she asked. "Before you leave?"
Harry averted his gaze; if Andromeda was close to tears, he and Teddy stood no chance.
"We'll send for you both," he replied, his voice cracking a little as he squeezed her hand. "It won't be long, I swear."
And with that, he let go and Disapparated.
"You're having a laugh, aren't you?"
"Unfortunately not, Guv. He's Animated upwards of fifty statues in the City, not to mention the Atmospheric Charms. It's never been sunnier down there!"
"Shit. How far are we from Amber Flag?"
"D-MAC's been dispatched already - they'll have all zones on lockdown by three."
"Right... and the Hit Wizards?"
"Scouring the City as we speak, Guv. Not a hide nor hair."
"Fuck."
"Well said, Guv."
"All right Murphy, dismissed. And would you stop calling me that?"
"Calling you what, Gu- oh. Oh. Sorry."
Arching an eyebrow at the retreating young wizard, Kingsley Shacklebolt withdrew a tired breath as he twirled around the ruby ring in his left palm.
Well aware of its futility, he pressed the stone one more time.
"Potter. Report."
Following another spell of silence, Kingsley flared his nostrils as he dashed the ring into the fishbowl resting on his window-sill. But just as he made way to storm out of his office, a reedy voice tried to gargle its way out.
"Hellerrw, Minist-urrp!"
Kingsley growled under his breath.
Accio, he thought, flicking his wand. "Afternoon, Harry. Nice of you to get back to us."
The Ring-Potter chuckled. "Sorry about that, just soaking up the rays and what not! Have you been outside today, Kingsley?"
"You've got one chance, Harry. Now tell me: what the fuck did you drink last night?"
The ring just laughed harder.
"This isn't a game, Potter! We are fucked! The world is fucked! What part of fucked do you not understand?"
Only after a final wheezy giggle did Harry respond. "None of it, really. You really can't swear for shit, can you?"
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
"Wireless is down for the count, it seems. Not that it's much of a surprise... in comparison... "
Not a gnome nor ghoul dared stir at the Burrow that night. Arthur Weasley was rather used to a quiet home at this point in his life, but the shock announcement on the WWN even brought the distant Whomping Willows to a standstill.
Deciding to retire from tinkering with the box, Arthur peered over his shoulder to meet the eyes of his expectant wife.
"They can't tell us anything else?" said Molly, wringing her hands. "Surely Kingsley would think... "
He would, usually. But this wasn't a simple missing person's case. The curtains were drawn: their world had been exposed like never before.
Arthur ran a hand over his thinning scalp. "Any word from Ginny? Ron?"
Molly shook her head. "They're probably out there. Looking for H... him."
"True, true," he mumbled, drifting towards the kitchen window. "Better them than Hit Wizards, wouldn't you say?"
He didn't expect her to respond, and she didn't. He didn't expect the door to talk back either, but-
"DEPRIMO!"
"Where is he?" bellowed a voice from the hole which used to be the back door. "WHERE IS HE?"
Before Arthur or Molly could move their lips to formulate a rebuttal, a squadron of bulky-robed Ministry wizards funnelled their way through the hole, wands at the ready.
"What in Merlin- !" Molly's hair stood on end as she strode towards the nearest hairy brute of a Hit Wizard. "On whose orders have you just destroyed my property?"
"That would be mine, Mrs Weasley," called the voice from a few seconds earlier. A bald, stout wizard with a bushy brown moustache pushed his way past the muddled squadron to face the Weasley matriarch.
"Mr Savage," said Arthur with a stiff nod. "Can't say we expected you for tea."
Savage grunted in acknowledgement. "I'm here for my boy, Weasley. Where is he?"
"You didn't think to check his home?" asked Molly, her voice dangerously quiet as she cocked her head to the side.
The Hit Wizards looked at each other.
One of them coughed. "It's... er, it's not there any more."
"What do you- ?" started Arthur, stopping himself before the image of Numbers Eleven and Thirteen at Grimmauld Place popped into his head. Maybe the Fidelius Charm was back up?
"He blew it up," said Savage.
Maybe not, then.
"Kreacher is b-b-bringing everything Master Harry requests."
"Fab! You're the best, Kreach- no, don't cry, mate!"
As much as it pained him to say it, Harry didn't like seeing Kreacher like this, and it wasn't because he found the elf's snotty-nosed visage even more repulsive than the image of Severus Snape wearing a sling swimsuit. Kreacher was criminally loyal, not just to Harry but his erstwhile master too, and after doing what they just did...
"You did a noble thing today, Kreacher," he said, rubbing the elf's back as he scanned the dark alleyway for potential eavesdroppers. "First step's always the hardest and that. I'm just so sorry that you had to feel the brunt of it."
"M-master is too kind... to be c-c-caring for Kreacher..." blubbered the wrinkly elf, drenching Harry's trainers as he bent down to kiss them. "He can still h-hear her screams, Kreacher can... the smoke and the f-flames... Kreacher has failed. Kreacher is a BAD ELF!"
"No, Kreacher!" hissed Harry, dragging the elf to its feet and wrenching its hands away from its neck. "Pull yourself together this instant. That's an order!"
It was one that he obeyed immediately, but the twitch in Kreacher's ears told Harry that something else was amiss. He opened his mouth to ask, but Kreacher shushed him with a knobbly finger.
"There is a wizard coming... someone looking for Master."
Harry's head snapped left and right. "Shit! Let's go- "
"No." Kreacher stopped him with a hand. "They is knowing Master. As a good friend."
Perfect. Against his better judgement, he heeded the elf's word and waited.
Sure enough, a wispy, luminous bulb began to wade down the path of the alleyway towards them. As it gradually grew brighter, it bathed the walls in a pale blue light before bursting right in front of them.
After Harry managed to adjust his eyes from the spectacle, he was presented with none other than the most delusional Cannons supporter that the sport had ever seen.
"All right, mate?" he said, twiddling a shiny little tube between his fingers.
The Deluminator... he still has it?
Harry blinked twice. "You found me."
"Who else?" said Ron, sniggering. "This is me we're talking about."
Harry blew out a heavy breath, clutching the back of his head with both hands.
"Blimey," he said, crouching down against a wall. "You aren't angry with me?"
Ron grinned. "You said, and I quote, 'All will become clear in time.' As if it bloody did! The whole world's in on it now! The Muggle one."
He let out a belly laugh.
"It's fucking brilliant," he carried on, squatting next to Harry as he flicked the Deluminator on and off. "All out in the open... and we're on the run again!"
"We? What do you mean, 'we'?"
Ron spluttered. "You thought you were leaving without me, mate? Me? The fucking King, mate?"
Harry rolled his eyes at Kreacher, who followed suit.
"What about Hermione?"
"What about Ginny?"
Harry let out a dark chuckle. "S'pose I better let you in on the plan, then."