(Alright, this thing is officially a monster. Wow. Keep sending questions, people; you think of points to a story I never consider! Cool. Okay, um, I don't own pokemon. But the nice nail gun in the story is mine, which probably wasn't a good idea.)

Lolita chewed on her pencil. Some new kids were coming today.

The old ones had apparently been killed by Regigigas, and she figured she might as well feel guilty, but the South Park episode HAD been 'Cartman gets an Anal Probe', so she wouldn't have done anything anyway.

She heard a banging on the door. "Come in!" A group of teens, every one of them terrified looking, inched in. "Hey, I'm Lolita. Wanna cookie?" They looked uncertain.

"I didn't poison them, I swear. I bribed Harley for them."

They sat and ate, as Lolita stood up. "Okay. You're my new group. Please don't die on me; the last one did, and it was not pretty. Anyway, Mary-Sues. They are evil. And I am going to teach you how to avoid them."

She took a breath.

"For starters, I didn't go into a lot of detail about eye and hair colors to avoid. First, never make your hair to your feet. You'd trip so many times, it's not frigging funny.

Next, don't do a too complicated hairstyle. A bit is okay, but not fifteen spikes. Those need gel, which you can't have. Hair colors themselves you shouldn't have are:

Full-on pink, or any other non human color. Highlights of pink, purple, blue, and any other color are fine, and make your OT much better and more realistic.

Actually, any color or two, or even three, is fine, but no more than that. You should basically monitor how much time you spend commentating on your OT's appearance.

A bit is fine, but over two paragraphs is SUE-NESS. Eyes can be any regular color, and if your character is an albino, they must be red or blue. No exceptions.

And one eye differently colored than the other is okay; just not blue and green, mostly. Some exceptions, but maybe black and green? I think that'd be cool. Alright, now..." She flipped through her notebook.

"Oh, more questions on starters! Which are overused... and pokemon in general..."

She stood up.

"Well, for starters, Pikachu. My god, I hate that goddamn yellow rat.

Oh, and... Charmander. I love, love, LOVE Charmander, but if you do have one, give them a very good nickname. Not anything fiery. And pokemon that are just goddamn over used.

The number one is obviously Eevee, but I love the little fox, so just give a legitimate reason you have Eevee, okay? Are your parents rich? Did you get it from Bill?

Try not to 'find them in the wild,' because the only place where that's possible is Sinnoh.

Any sort of 'cute' pokemon, e.g., Marill, Skitty, Totodile, and anything else cute and fuzzy.

Any type of dragon. (Really, it's just because they are 'OMGz soooo pwrfl!!111!)

Some pokemon I'd love to see on a team; Tyranitar, Skarmory, Raichu, Scyther/Scizor, Gengar, Arcanine, Umbreon,

(They're Eevee evs, but I NEVER SEE THEM. WTF? I love Umbreon, but everyone just keeps their Eevee an Eevee, or turns it into Vaporeon or Espeon, godamnit!),

Gyrados, Raticate, Mightyena, Crobat, (it IS a friend ev.), and the list goes on and on.

The only pokemon that exist are not just the cute ones.

And any Legendary, especially Mew, is overused.

Can you have them travel with you? Yeah. (see below.)

Can they fight for you?

Only with other Legendaries.

Regular pokemon often believe fighting a Legendary is sacrilege.

And Mew doesn't fight, period.

And Mewtwo would probably go batshit and try to kill you.

And Suicune, Raikou and Entei are too fast to keep in a pokeball for very long.

And Celebi can just travel through time.

And Lugia would just f-ing kill you. Same with Ho-Oh.

And Articuno, Moltres, and Zapdos CANNOT BE ON THE SAME TEAM.

They tried to KILL each other, people.

I don't see many others, so these are the ones I'll mention.

If they go with your OT as a guide/friend/mentor, okay.

Which brings me to this; can you have a Legendary looking over you? My answer would be yes. I actually like the idea of all of the Legendaries getting together in some sort of Council, to judge worthy Trainers."

She looked around. "Questions?"

One girl raised her hand. "What about magic pendants? Too Sue-ish?"

Lolita shrugged.

"Well... cursed pendant that kills the user if they don't solve the puzzle; cool.

One that gives you about every power the author can think of at the time; not cool.

See, maybe do something with a riddle hidden in the gem.

Or just do something else.

Jewelry's sexist, as 'every girl would want a magic pendant' is bullshit."

They nodded, and scribbled this down. She was a good teacher. Even if her students kept dying or being put into asylums.

Hey, some survived and were declared 'sane', right?

"Okay, now... what about Japanese names, if your character is a real-world from Japan?" One boy asked. Lolita nodded.

"Well, duh. If your character's from Japan, give them a Japanese name. If they're from France, give them a French name. And so on. If they're a normal pokemon world trainer, then refer to my first seminar. And names from different countries are fine, if they're from that country/ have parents interested in culture."

She looked around. "Anyone?"

A girl raised her hand.

"Yes, um... what about it's Mary-Suish if your OT is a bit of a klutz? Like, they trip over nothing, they stumble every once in a while..."

Lolita blushed. "Um, yeah. I do this all the time. I fall up stairs, too. So, no, it's okay... in small doses. Not 'OMG I just tripped and fell into Ash OMGz!11!" Then I'd sic Azrael on you."

A Houndoom on the couch rolled his eyes.

"And are there any personality traits to stay away from? Like, 'girly-girl', 'tomboy', and so on?"
Lolita nodded.

"Yeah. Those are good examples. Every person has many different sides to them. They don't all fall into categories; they have interests not defined by stereotypes produced by describing your characters only as something like that."

The class was silent. That was the most deep, inspirational thing she'd said all class.

A male voice sounded, "You're only saying that because you need an excuse to like Fall Out Boy!" Lolita stood up. "Please excuse me for a moment; that would be Aiden."

She stormed off, and soon enough, screaming, crashing, and a nail gun being used was heard.

When Lolita came back, the closet was nailed shut, and an empty box labeled, 'SPIDERS" was empty. "...Um... Lolita, is it too Sueish to have a character hospitalized by a pokemon attack?"

Lolita shook her head.

"Nah, as long as it's not Beedrill, Spearow, Pidgey, or other stereotypical pokemon. Never see herds of Butterfree attempting to kill people in fics, right? Not fair!"

Lolita continued, "Oh, and on the topic of looks, again, your character's all right if they look like you a bit, but not totally. Hair color, eye color, height, and a bit of personality are good things to change."

"Miss Lolita?" One of the younger ones raised her hand. "Um, what about pairing with a major canon character?"

Seeing Lolita's eye twitch, she added, "Not Ash! Like, maybe James?"

The girl relaxed. "Oh. Yeah... I guess... he's cool. Just. Not. Ash. EVER."

They decided to let it be; she looked ready to shove them in the closet with that boy.

"Seriously, it's okay, as long as you don't try to 'convert' him from... well, trying, really, to be evil. Keep him in character."

"What about reviewer's OTs? Can you use them?" A boy asked. Lolita shrugged, and said, "I guess. If it's the basis of your story, okay.

Ideas, mostly, for a trainer. Like someone suggesting using a pokemorph OT that knows pokemon moves. Really, take suggestions, sure, but I'm not too sure about total trainers, unless the reviewer agrees."

A boy raised his hand. "Um, Lolita? What about TMs and HMs?"

The girl thought.

"For stuff that's pretty much game-exclusive, I say this; when in doubt, turn to the game. Check and see if the TM you're teaching is a possible move for the pokemon. And have them buy it, or get it from a Gym Leader. Not find it on the ground."

One girl with blonde hair raised her hand. "What about chapter length? Long or moderate, or short, to the point, and suspenseful?"

Lolita shrugged, and said, "It depends on what you're trying to write. If it's a horror story, and there's a perfect cliffhanger five paragraphs in, don't ruin it.

Just publish two chapters at once. Long or moderate is okay, so as long as something good is happening. Not a two-chapter trek through Ilex forest." She turned away, and glanced at the closet. "Damnit, I forgot whether or not those were poisonous ones."

"And what about items in your bag?" Lolita turned around, and grinned. "Shut. Up."

The girl blinked. "But—" Lolita laughed. "No, I mean when you're writing. The bag most trainers carry could not fit all the crap you'd need for what might be a five-year journey. So don't say anything about it.

It's not Sue-ish, really. It's just being logical. The basic OT did not receive survival skill training, and therefore, would have no clue as to surviving.

If you feel you must, put a collapsible tent, some water, and lots, and lots, and lots, of money. That way, you can buy food whenever you're in a town.

And items for your pokemon are imperative.

Maybe carry a separate bag? If you have a pokemon that might want to handle that, okay, but make sure to take it off before they fight." They all nodded.

"Okay, this was one more lesson on Sue-killing! However, if you do come across a Sue in real life, do not attempt these tips. Just flamethrower it into oblivion."

They all nodded. "Right, class dismissed. Stay alive, okay? I need to keep a class for more than one day!"

They nodded, waved, and left. Lolita watched them. "They're good kids. Hope they don't get killed on the way home."

She turned to the nailed-shut closet.

"Well, on one hand, someone important to me could die. On the other—"

She was interrupted by the theme song of 'South Park'. "Oh my god, screw that! This is the Timmy 2000 episode!"