Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over any Transformers Franchise.

There are good apartments and there are bad apartments. Bad ones could be identified with their newspaper packed walls and tendency towards infestations. The neighbors cooked up explosives in the kitchen. On occasion the roof would leak all the way down to the bottom floor. The usual stuff. You had lived in bad apartments in your time. Once you lived in a place that turned out to be a front for a cult. Thankfully you got out before the FBI raid.

You had never lived in a good apartment.

Your current place was the best by a long shot. The only issue with your abode now was that it was on the small side. Which was totally alright! It was nice and cozy for a singleton like you. It could even accommodate a friend or two when you wanted to have company.

It just wasn't really made with giant robots in mind.

Ratbat actually fit just fine at your place. He was, at most, the size of two year old. Having him around was like owning a talking cat who liked daytime court dramas.

Ravage was alright. He took up the entirety of whatever furniture he lounged on, but was actually pretty lazy. Once he settled down there was no worry about him getting up to no good.

Really it was the twins and the birds that liked to get in the way. They just always took up so much space. Either nesting with all your good blankets or putting up their feet on your furniture, they were awful guests no matter how you sliced it.

This didn't even account for their constant infighting. Maybe a spaceship could survive their drama, but the apartment was not so fortified. Ever since the gang started hanging around it was like your house was one step away from a brawl. You couldn't even begin to count the amount of times one of them would tug Ravage's tail to spook him or harass poor Ratbat to pink, watery tears.

Why he cried pink no one really explained, but that was neither here nor there.

You could not go on living like this.

"How did you even get that inside?" You asked from your spot in the front hallway. It was impossible for you to move any further.

Ratbat clutched your leg. "They took window off its rails! I tried to stop them!"

Taking up most of your living room was a half assembled pool table. It was missing two legs and being propped up with an elaborate arrangement of pieces stolen from your kitchen and what looked to be the end table from your bedroom. The actual billiards were scattered across the floor. One was embedded deep in a dent in your lamp. A cue was snapped in two from where Frenzy had tried leaning on it dramatically as you arrived.

"I appreciate your effort." You sighed and scooped Ratbat up from underfoot. "Where did you guys even get this?"

"We grabbed it from one of those human oilhouses." Frenzy explained as he tugged at the green felt that covered the tabletop. It ripped off in a long strip.

"An oil barge?" Rig workers needed entertainment too.

"No, it's like from that show- Cheers ," Rumble looked up from trying to collect an eight ball from under the couch. He was holding one end completely in the air, but Ravage was giving him a dirty look over the armrest. "A bar!"

They were good at covering their tracks in and out, but, "Please don't bring stolen goods into my home."

"They weren't usin' it." Frenzy laughed, "Least not by the time we were done with 'em."

He didn't bother to look at you and see the strained look on your face. You redirected it at Ravage.

"I warned you she wouldn't be pleased." The cat swiped at Rumble's head.

The mech dropped the couch so fast you bounced off the floor. You were definitely getting a noise complaint from your downstairs neighbor tomorrow. "You're just jealous can't play because you don't have servos."

"I have no interest in playing in the first place." Ravage sniffed. "If I did I could figure out how."

Rumble waved him off as he tried to fit around the table to reach you. He snatched your arm before you could dodge him. His grip was like a manacle. "Don't worry, I'll teach ya how to play."

"No you won't; I'm getting rid of it." You tried to keep Ratbat from snapping at his hand.

This made both the twins glare. "How come?"

"The room has started to sag." You tried to tug away, but to no avail. "That thing probably violates code for the building. I don't want my floor to cave in."

"That's your scrappy habsuites fault."

"Maybe so," You agreed.

Ravage felt this was the correct time to intervene. He set one massive paw over Rumble's hand. "The human has a point. You are not about to blow our cover over a game."

Rumble was massive and scary in comparison to a human, but he had nothing on Ravage's steely gaze. He lasted five seconds before snorting and letting go of you. "Fine."

And so a battle was won, but the war was far from done.

Your stuff would not survive if these robots continued to act like they owned the place. Plus, you would probably drop dead from stress. You had to take action.

"So what do you need this for again?" Raoul leaned heavily in his door frame as he scooped brownies off the plate you brought by.

"My place has some serious negative energies I need to deal with." You offered him the entire platter.

He accepted the food better than your explanation. "You do know I fished it out of the dollar bin, right? If this thing could contact ghosts so could fast food menu."

"Yeah, I figured as much. This is more to make a point, you know?"

"Fair enough, girlie. It's your funeral." He reached out of view to grab something from the side table in the entryway. You knew from experience it was decorated some incredibly intricate doilies that his mother made. He tossed you the box. "Hope it's up to snuff."

'Ouija Board™'. Copyright Hasbro. The device inside the box made a plastic on cardboard squeaking sound as it slid around.

You leaned forward to give him a brief hug. He ruffled your hair and definitely left chocolate crumbs behind. "Thanks again! It's just what I needed."

It was time to give the terror twins a taste of their own medicine.

It was later that evening when you broke out your new toy. The boys had commandeered your couch and were arguing with Laserbeak, who was sitting in a nest on your nice wicker chair, about what they should watch. Ratbat was wrapped around your shoulders like a metal shawl. You walked across the room, stood directly in from of the TV, and shut the blinds to cut out the streetlights.

"In case you weren't aware: humans ain't see through." Frenzy chucked a pillow at your back, but ended up hitting Ratbat.

"I know," You replied, setting the candle you found under your sink on top of the television. Mood lighting.

"We're going to perform a human ritual." Ratbat snootily told his fellow Decepticons.

Rumble frowned. "Like that one where ya' light your energon on fire and chant?"

"What? No. Are you talking about a birthday party?" You should get Rumble children's dictionary so he can learn what he's talking about. "Never mind. Ratbat and I have decided to hold a seance."

"The frag is a seance?" Frenzy asked as you tried to push his feet off the coffee table. It was like dragging an anchor.

"A seance is when living humans talk to dead humans." Ratbat glared over your shoulder.

"Yeah, some strange stuff has been going down around here, so I figured I should get to the bottom of it." You shrugged, almost dislodging your companion. You smooched him on ear in apology.

The twins swapped a look then burst into hyena laughter.

"Oh, you can't be serious!" Rumble looked at you like you had just said you were going to go stage a hostile takeover of the Autobots. "Ghost aren't real, fleshy!"

Frenzy was laughing so hard he shook the couch. "Yeah, those are just stories to scare sparklings. Guess that explains why'd they work on you!"

Laserbeak wasn't laughing, but he did look unimpressed. "Are you honestly trying to contact the Well of Sparks with a few candles?"

"No, Laserbeak." You stuck your tongue out. "I'm trying to pierce the veil with this!"

It was the piece de resistance, the 'Ouija Board™'. You had been keeping it tucked under one arm but now you tossed it dramatically onto the table. It landed with a 'plap' noise. Your house guests stared.

The five of you stayed in place for a good thirty seconds before Rumble broke the silence, "Um, are we supposed to know what that is?"

You grinned at him. "This is a Ouija board; it's basically a keyboard of the dead. They can use it to commune with the living."

No one appeared to believe you, but it got Frenzy thinking, "Bro, didn't we watch a movie about that? What was it?"

"Ah, slag, I know what you're thinkin' about." Rumble rubbed his chin, " Glitchboard ? No that wasn't it."

"You're thinking of Witchboard, which we were all forced to endure when you two insisted on having that ridiculous human horror movie night." Laserbeak chuffed.

"Oh yeah!" Rumble snapped his fingers. "You trying to get your house haunted, squishy?"

"Kind of the opposite." You took the time to set up the board after the dramatic reveal. "Some weird stuff has been going down."

Both the boys snickered. You pointedly ignored them.

"Things have gotten too ridiculous to be normal. I figured that this place probably has got to some bad energy and I'm going to investigate." You held up the planchette. "Want to help?"

The cassettes' reactions were mixed, to put it gently. Laserbeak was suffering some robot conniption over how stupid you were. Frenzy, as always, looked stuck between how little he liked you and his desire to cause trouble. Ratbat was smiling against your neck. Rumble-

He was hyped .

"Let's do this!" He grinned wide and hopped up from the couch.

"You cannot be serious." Laserbeak dealt with so much bullshit. You honestly felt bad for him sometimes. No wonder he was always so grouchy. "You want to help an idiotic human summon the spirits of the deactivated with a board game."

Frenzy was equally confused. "Yeah, bro, everyone knows fleshy ghosts ain't real. They don't even got a spark; when meat dies it's dead."

Rumble was not to be dissuaded. He had already snatched the planchette out of your hand. That was fine. He was supposed to buy into it. "Whatever, man, I know you're just sayin' that because you're scared of ghosts."

That wasn't a smart thing to tell the maniac mech. Frenzy stood up and whipped his brother around by the shoulder. "You want to say that again to my face?"

"You know it's true! Not my fault you're a cyber-chicken." Rumble laughed in his face.

Well, Frenzy was ready to throw down now. His hands seemed to shift in slow motion and if you weren't terrified of the damage he could do once they were drills you would think the transformation sort of pretty. It was a bad call to get in their way, but this fight was not what you were aiming for.

You weren't about to wedge yourself between them, but you did grab Rumble's bicep before he could bring out his own weapons. "How about slowing down for a second? Please?"

Rumble shoved his free hand in your face. "Gimme a second, squish. If Frenzy wants to tumble with Rumble I'm game."

Ratbat took a swipe at Rumble with the pointed tip of his wing. "Don't touch us! I know where your servos have been!"

"Guys-"

"You'll be scared by the time I'm done with you!"

A full scale fight was only stopped by the god-awful screech Laserbeak made. It was like a red tailed hawk trapped in an airplane turbine. The twins clutched each other and Ratbat buried his face in your hair. You're pretty sure you suffered a temporary blackout.

Laserbeak leveled the twins with a glare. "I'm not about to be caught in one of your spike-measuring contests. Either help the human play their game or be quiet."

That was helpful of him. "Thank you, Laserbeak. Anyway, do you guys want to do this with me or not?"

You were close enough to hear the clicking of mechanisms sliding into place as Frenzy put his drills away. "Can't be any worse than having to watch Beaky's dumb soap operas."

You clapped. "Great! Get comfortable then, because it's time to enter the great beyond."

Ratbat made a spooky noise for ambiance. What a darling.

You sat on one wide side of the table, back to the television. Surprisingly, Rumble joined you instead of sticking by his brother who was across the way. Sitting down you didn't quite come up to his shoulder. Laserbeak hopped down off his chair to settle beside Frenzy. Ratbat clambered over your shoulders onto your lap.

It was time to put those high school drama classes to work.

"I'm not sure how much experience you all have with the mystical, but it goes like this." You place the planchette over the 'G'. Ever the helper, Batty put a wingtip on it with you. "We each place a finger on the planchette. When I ask a question, whatever spirit is talking to us will move it. Normally I'd write down whatever letters it picks, but don't you guys have computer brains?"

"You mean processors?"

You nod. "I figure you guys should be able to keep track of it."

"I'll do it!" Ratbat chirped.

"Suck up."

Name calling aside, the boys did what they were instructed. Rumble and Frenzy each placed a thick metal finger on the little wooden triangle. Laserbeak used his-

Face.

"Unlike Ratbat, my wings aren't meant for grasping." When he caught you staring.

Whatever worked for him, you supposed. You cleared your throat. "We have gathered today to welcome whatever specters might be watching over us. We seek your guidance and answers from beyond this life. Please, give us your wisdom."

Laserbeak mumbled something about how you 'could not be serious'. He wasn't the one you were trying to impress.

"Now what do we do?" Rumble was leaning over the table to look through the hole in the planchette.

"Now I ask the ghost questions and it, hopefully, will answer."

"What are you going to ask it?" You couldn't tell whether he was being sincere or just screwing with you.

You shrugged. "It's name, for starters."

Ratbat glared at him. "It's called being polite."

You patted Batty with your free hand. "Oh, great spirit, please tell us mortals your name."

A moment and then:

"You're moving it!" Frenzy accused.

"Am not." It was Ratbat, actually.

"If you start arguing again I am going to tell Soundwave that you were the one who broke the datapad with the footage from the Fall of Iacon on it." Laserbeak stated.

Boy did that strike the fear of god into him. His visor flashed and he snapped his gaze down to the bird. "You wouldn't!"

"Try me." Laserbeak's beak moved when he talked and you could feel the edge of it graze your fingertip. Sharp as broken glass.

"Guy's shut up!" Rumble exclaimed, "It's trying to spell somethin'!"

"Unimportant." Laserbeak deadpanned. "Just like this ridiculous charade."

"Clearly it wants us to get to business." You sniff. If he wasn't a walking weapon you'd bop him right on the face for that. Unfortunately, before you could actually ask anything Frenzy interrupted you.

"No, but which one of you is this? I know the human isn't strong enough to push something if I'm holding it down."

"You're not supposed to be keeping it still; the spirits are moving it."

"The spirits."

"That's what I said." Whatever he was up to you didn't like it.

"Okay, then I want to ask 'em a question. Let's see how much it knows."

Rumble made a head motion that implied he'd be rolling his eyes if he had any. You smiled serenely. "Go ahead."

"Hey all knowin' spirit, tell me which one of the guys swiped the high grade I was saving?" He gave Rumble a knowing look.

Rumble huffed, "I told you it wasn't me! You probably drank it when you were already overcharged and don't remember."

"I did no-" But the planchette was moving again.

"None of them. It was Skywarp."

Both the twins blinked, a flash of dark on their visors. Frenzy stared down with a ridiculously puzzled look on his face. Rumble hummed.

"Told you I didn't do it."

"Now can we please get to the real questions?" Your free hand petted Ratbat's stomach in a job well done gesture.

Frenzy was still squinting at the board. "I guess."

"Wise ouija board, who broke the latch of the window?"

"Rumble."

The mech in question looked away. "It's not my fault that your window's too small to get through without pushing it all the way up."

"Bro, don't admit to it! This is just some made up human thing she's trying to catch us with." Frenzy snapped.

Laserbeak wasn't having it. "It wouldn't be a problem if you actually admitted to the disasters you cause."

"We claim pranks. That was on accident."

"Rumble!" Frenzy complained.

"Let's move on to another question." You shushed. "Oh powerful ghosts, who flipped all the books on my shelf backwards?"

"Fre-"

Before it could finish Frenzy cut in, "I did it."

"Why? That was such a dick move."

He shrugged. "The TV was fritzing out and I was bored."

"Okay. Anyway. Moving on. Spirit of orthography, please tell me who ordered 12 pay-per-view movies on my credit card?"

Rumble shot Frenzy a nervous look, but his brother just sulked.

"Rumble bought seven, Frenzy three," It continued with, "Buzzsaw two."

That would explain Roman Holiday and Paris When It Sizzles . The twins didn't strike you as Audrey Hepburn fans.

"See, we're not the only ones getting up to stuff around here! You're whining at us but I bet if Ratbat had done it you wouldn't be mad." Frenzy snapped.

"If Batty wanted to watch a movie he would ask politely and I would have gotten it for him." You pointed out. "I would do the same thing if you were ever polite a day in your life."

"Sorry I don't want to go beg an organic for permission."

"When it's the organic's house you ought to."

"Really?" Frenzy snorted, or made a noise somewhat similar to one. "Oh squishy spirits, why should I let a fleshy tell me what to do?"

To your suprise, the planchette did move.

"Because you are no better than her."

Frenzy glared around the table. "Which one of you said that?"

No one claimed it, until, "I did."

Frenzy barked out a laugh, "And you the frag are you?"

"Jhiaxus."

That shut everyone up. You mostly from confusion, but the others were strained.

Laserbeak pulled away so he could look at all of you. "That is not something to joke about."

"Who's that?" You asked.

"He was-" Rumble leaned over to whisper, but Frenzy cut him off.

"Oh, really? Prove it!"

You could not keep up with the sudden frantic things that the board began spelling out. It moved almost too fast for you to track, making an unpleasant plastic squeak as it went. Whatever it was saying had the mechs enraptured, though. The twins were letting their arms get jerked around as they followed it. Laserbeak had pressed back his swan neck into his body. You could feel Ratbat tensing in you lap, but also Rumble heating up beside you. In fact the whole room was so hot with energy you could hardly breathe.

Still, they all watched with glowing red eyes as it gradually slowed. When it stopped you all pulled your hands back without a word.

Frenzy was the first to speak. He was half-hearted. "That doesn't prove slag."

A low voice came from the window. "What doesn't?"

It was amazing how fast several tons of metal could move. You hadn't even the chance to flinch before Rumble grabbed your collar and pulled you with him as he vaulted the coffee table away from the threat. Frenzy had a gun from nowhere aimed at the window. Laserbeak was off the ground, massive wings spread nearly touching both walls.

Everyone was screaming.

It petered out once you all registered who you were looking at.

"Good evening, Ravage." You waved.

The cyber-cougar only just fit on the fire escape. His tail was nowhere to be seen and you hoped the downstairs neighbor were not by their window. "What are you idiots doing now?"

"Just," You took a deep breath, "Playing a game. What are you doing?"

"I came to inform Rumble and Frenzy that Soundwave is aware they skipped monitor duty to play videogames with Dragstrip. Then I planned on getting some deserved recharge. I didn't intend to arrive at the madhouse."

"Yeah." Your voice was a bit thick. "I think things went out of control back there."

Ratbat looked embarrassed, then pouted. "I probably shouldn't have done that last part."

"Do the-" Rumble squinted, then whipped around to yell at you both, "You tricked us!"

"Yeah." You hoped that it was nerves cutting off your air and not Rumble tightening his grip on your shirt. "I can explain."

"Let's hear it."

"I was getting fed up with you walking all over me in my own home, okay? I know you're bigger and stronger than me, but I live here. I can't do that if you insist on treating me like toy. So I asked Ratbat for help getting back at you."

Laserbeak regarded you coldly. "You thought it was a good idea to intentionally upset mechs who could rip you to shreds with a flick of a talon."

"Yes." You nodded. "That was not my smartest move."

Rumble frowned. "It was pretty dumb."

"I know." Ratbat was pressing hard against your stomach. You couldn't tell if he was nervous or trying to cover you. Or both.

Before things could escalate even further, though, Frenzy started to laugh.

It wasn't that nasty way he usually laughed at you whenever they managed to upset you. For once Frenzy sounded genuinely delighted, in peals of laughter as he leaned on Rumble for support. "Primus, squishy! I didn't think you had it in ya!"

"Bro?"

"Come on! It's not everyday someone actually has the bearings to try and pull one over on us." He grinned at you.

Rumble smiled slightly. "True. Wasn't expecting it from our organic."

You tried to look at Ravage to ask what was going on, but the cat was as inscrutable as always.

Frenzy managed to get himself back together even if he was still shaking with mirth. "Look, femme, normally I'd slag you for trying to frag with us, but just this once I'm going to let you off. Call it even, ya know?"

You nodded.

Laserbeak cocked his head. "You got off lucky this time."

You nodded.

Rumble slouched, back to lazing around now that there wasn't an active threat. "I guess I get why you did it. Let's make a deal: we'll quite bullyin' you and you don't ever try that again."

You nodded. "Agreed."

It was early the next morning when you remembered to ask Ratbat what had been bothering you. The two of you were tucked under the covers, one long metal wing draped over your hip. Pressed this close you could smell the hot electronics scent that the cons often gave off, but by this point it was something close to comforting.

"Who was that guy? Whatshisface? Jhiaxus?"

It was dark, but the flicker of his optics let you know he was still awake. The red light cast an odd blush over both of you.

"Jhiaxus was a very evil mech."

"I could tell; he was scaring the hell out of everyone. What did he do?"

Ratbat hummed, clearly trying to think of a way to explain it to an alien who had no context. "Mechs can form bonds in ways that organics can't. Not that there's anything wrong with the way you are, but we have these things called sparks. When we really love each other we put our sparks together and if we really love each other we'll make them connected forever."

Did you just get the talk?

"But Jhiaxus was a scientist. He thought that he could use bonds for something. So he forced a bunch of mechs to bond. It hard to explain what happened next but they all went so crazy from it that they became a mech called Monstructor." He sighed a whistling noise through his fangs. "That's not the only bad thing he did, but it is the story I told today."

You dragged your fingers along the smooth metal of his cheek and he nuzzled in.

"Things were very bad in back on Cybertron, but even then we knew better than to try and to things like that."

Author's Note: I love how harsh the Transformers Franchise is. Jhiaxus is a real character. In some universes he mentored Shockwave.

Review to tell me what you think!