She grins, even as she tears up from chopping onions, as she adds them to the pan to sauté. Cosima working her way though other vegetables, before finely slicing mushrooms for their sauce.
"I like this. Just this. I don't need fancy, not all the time." Cosima assures her with a kiss to the shoulder. "This is enough for me."
And it's more than enough for Delphine herself. Maybe they both want this to just be normal. To take walks and drink tea, to watch Netflix and cuddle up on the couch, to eat overpriced takeout and try new recipes.
Love. She wants to laugh, or cry. Why now? Why with Cosima?
She remembers too well the first time someone told her he loved her. She'd felt trapped, she'd wanted to run. She'd only slept with him out of curiosity, her teenage self eager to understand why her peers were so obsessed. The results, at first, were disappointing. So she tried again, and again, repeating the experiment with the same partner. Seeing if it would get better, if her desire and attraction would grow in response.
It hadn't. Delphine scoffs at her naïvety now. She should have known better, realized that just because she had just been experimenting, learning about sex, doesn't mean they both were.
Instead, Mathieu had told her he loved her. The love of a teenage boy had been the last thing she'd wanted. Though, she thinks now that he meant it, probably. But she'd refused to sleep with him again, and didn't try with another boy until university, thinking that might be better then. That she might attach, might desire.
Instead, her heart flutters at the touch of Cosima's hand to her wrist. Love, the word remains unsaid.
"Hey, you okay?"
"I'm good. I'm happy." Delphine assures her with another gentle kiss. "Let's get this sauce simmering and I'll make you some tea.
She gets Cosima back onto her couch, and returns to the kitchen to finish up the last few things herself. It'll be a later meal, but that wasn't unusual here at all.
"Are you feeling okay?" Delphine eyes Cosima's paleness, her eyes seem off somehow. And her fatigue frightens her.
"Well, it's not a great day, but it's not a bad one either… though… tomorrow could go either way. So if you want to put me on a train back to Toronto, I'd understand."
"No. I can take care of you here." Delphine says briskly, she won't have Cosima leaving, or arguing with her.
The kettle chooses that moment to shriek, until she removes it from the heat and lets it sit a moment, spooning tea leaves, a tisane really, into the metal strainer sitting in a mug.
"Cosima. I want to know your disease. I want to know exactly what is wrong." Delphine states firmly, looking over to find shock in dark eyes.
"Like, right now?"
"Yes. Now." Delphine pours the boiling water, leaving it to steep as she returns her attention to her sauce, stirring it gently. Maybe if she doesn't look this will be easier.
Cosima looks her straight in the eye, brown meeting hazel. "Lupus."
"Systemic? That isn't necessarily fatal." Delphine tries. Perhaps, Cosima had exaggerated. Maybe a chronic illness that wouldn't necessarily end in death, after all, in this day and age most people with lupus could live normal lifespans. Drugs were getting better and better at treating it without damaging the kidneys. Perhaps, with proper medical attention and better doctors, Cosima could live a normal lifespan.
"Well, my kidneys are, not fantastic. But it's my heart they aren't happy with right now. Premature cardiovascular disease. Fun, huh? I haven't responded well to treatment, to the point where my doctors have essentially told me they are just prolonging my life." Cosima reaches into her bag and shakes her pill organizer once. "Hence all this stupid medication. I mean, there are a few other things, but it'll probably be heart failure in the end. I've already had one minor stroke last year, one more of those could end things pretty fast."
"How long?" Delphine wonders aloud, moving over to the couch to wait for the tea to steep.
"I don't know. I mean," Cosima's hands go up in the air, fingers spreading out as she shakes her hands, "I could have another stroke and like, die tomorrow. Or it could be six months, next year… I could have another flare up. There's a lot of uncertainty, but my lifespan will … it won't be normal, and I probably won't make it to 30, nevermind 40."
"They never really know," Delphine agrees, "not until it's weeks or days." There could be time, maybe even years spent with her Cosima, if she wanted to.
"Not that I expect you to stick around … if I end up kicking the bucket at like… 31. I mean, that's probably longer than you had in mind." Cosima shrugs it off, "come and cuddle."
"Tea first," Delphine returns to the kitchen to extract the tea leaves, presenting the mug to Cosima immediately upon her return. She didn't know too much about lupus, other than what she'd briefly read during a phase of obsession of learning about autoimmune diseases. Arthritis? Does Cosima already have that? Raynaud's? Skin problems? The fatigue, she has that certainly.
Cosima gratefully accepts the steaming mug, taking a long sip. "If you want, you can bail out at the next flare up."
"I won't." Delphine promises softly. "I don't want to bail out."
Cosima looks at her quizzically, as if she can assess her in this simple way. "You know, it's okay if you do. I mean, my college girlfriend bailed when I was diagnosed. I had a couple of other short relationships since, but it's made it difficult. If it were milder, maybe. You know, be in the 80% that will live a fairly normal lifespan." The brunette tilts her head in that adorable fashion she has come to love so much.
"I won't leave you." Delphine grabs for Cosima's hand with her own, squeezing it gently. "I want to stay, the rest of your life."
"And if it's 2 weeks?" Cosima probes her. Is that really the worst case scenario? Cosima having another more major stroke that takes her out near instantly? Would that be worse than a long slow decline?
"Fine." Delphine agrees, refusing to release her hands, she stares into her eyes. She must know that she is being serious.
"And if it's… " Cosima looks around if searching for a dream number, "three years?"
"Then it's three years." She nods as if this closes the subject for now. Delphine wants to ignore this now that she knows, dream of four years, ten years, fifteen. The silly dreams of an idiot in love, Delphine thinks to herself dismissively.
"Are you ...going to want to like actually meet my friends? My parents? If this drags on long enough?" Cosima wonders aloud.
She freezes, even as Cosima pushes herself into her, leaning the whole of her weight on Delphine.
"I guess so… though that could be awkward if you intend to tell them exactly how we met." Delphine grimaces, that is not what she wants at all. Delphine the escort, is that what she's told them?
"No… I haven't really told anyone anything." Cosima shrugs. "We can tell my friends whatever you like. You know, like we met, became friends, fell into bed…"
A pretty lie, Delphine muses, as she nods her consent. "Alright."
"What about your family? Your friends? What about your life?"
Sex work had made things more complicated there. There was some camaraderie with fellow grad students, wine and cheese nights with an academic bent, but she wouldn't really call any of them friends. And if she wasn't at the university, she was writing her dissertation or ...working.
She could bring Cosima to grad student events, tell her parents she now had a girlfriend. Though, they may be more surprised to hear her sharing her personal life than that she is with a woman.
"I'll tell my family about you, if you want. My colleagues at the university. Everyone." Delphine tells her softly. She suspects her scheduler at the escort agency would not be pleased, but perhaps she could keep those two worlds from ever colliding.
"Not a good day." Cosima's first words upon waking are easily heard. They hadn't made love, not since the first night - and that had been brief and quick. Instead, Cosima swallows more painkillers as she inspects her swollen hands. It did seem mornings and evenings were worse on Cosima. She could catalogue the symptoms, fatigue, painful joints, chest pains - but it wouldn't fix anything.
Delphine leans in, needing to know this too, the reality of Cosima's condition. "The hands?"
"No, that's pretty normal." Cosima answers, voice slightly strained. "Could do without the chest pain."
"Do you need anything?" Delphine volunteers instantly. Soup? Stretching? She could fetch her laptop, hang out with Cosima all day in bed.
"I think I should go home." Cosima thinks aloud. "Just get out of your way."
"Is this a flare up?" Delphine inquires as she pushes herself up intent on making crêpes, on giving something good to Cosima.
"No, just a bad day... " Cosima shakes her head, before letting herself tumble back into Delphine's soft bed. "Arthritis acting up, migraine. I'll be okay."
"I'm going to make you breakfast." Delphine informs Cosima, leaning in to kiss her forehead. Of course, Cosima wouldn't return her love. That was not the arrangement Cosima had wanted, hiring her for companionship. She suspects despite Cosima's obvious attraction, that she likes her, love may be just out of reach.
"Can I just lie here?"
"Of course, breakfast in bed." Delphine confirms moving to the kitchen. She glances over a few times, but she keeps working.
When it's ready, she presents breakfast to Cosima with a tray. She thinks briefly of running out, of jogging two blocks to the nearest florist to present Cosima with flowers, and maybe freshly brewed coffee, but she thinks better of it.
Cosima looks at the tray blearily. "What's all this? Like… you made this?" She watches dark eyes survey the tray, the perfect crêpes, loaded with now cooked defrosted berries from the freezer, drizzled with maple syrup.
"Yes." Delphine nods. It hadn't been that complicated.
"Woah." Cosima allows her to shove a pillow between her and the headboard, and reposition the tray for her.
"Go on." Delphine encourages, curling beside her.
"Aren't you going to have any?" Cosima indicates the full plate. "Why only one fork?"
She usually wouldn't. She prefers to choose less fattening meals, her body is a commodity and she intends to maintain it rather than letting the age 30 spread set in. But she smiles at Cosima, returning to the kitchen, and the extra batter she'd poured into a jar.
"I'll make a few more." Delphine calls over. She'll join Cosima in this indulgence, for the day.
"I want to shower, but I am kind of low energy." Cosima comments as she returns the tray to the kitchen and rinses the dishes off.
Delphine considers, she removes her robe, and lifts her nightgown up over her head. "Come and shower with me," she invites. It won't be about sex, Delphine rationalizes, and she can be close to Cosima this way.
Cosima stares before standing up and following her into the bathroom. She watches as Delphine sets the water temperature, leaning against the cool tile wall as the washroom warms up.
"Do you want to get in?"
Cosima awkwardly removes her nightgown, hands stiff, before stepping under the spray.
She's not used to this, but feigns confidence as she steps into the spray. Shower sex was never on her 'menu', and her clients accepted that. But Cosima merely leans against the tile, allowing the hot water to drip down her body, hopefully easing the aching of her hands.
"Come here," Delphine croons, soaping up her hands before reaching under Cosima's arms. She bathes her, enjoying the feel of Cosima's slippery skin under her fingers, of Cosima's weight when she leans back against her under the spray.
She feels more than mildly aroused by this, Cosima naked, wet, enjoying her touch. It's not the time, Delphine tells herself, waiting until Cosima decides to break away.
She leans into kiss her once, softly, before stepping out and reaching for a towel. She watches her dry off, perhaps too much.
"Are you going to stare or towel off?" Cosima teases her, managing enough energy for that.
She blushes, but laughs it off, before joining Cosima back on her bed. She fetches her laptop but her dissertation can wait. It can all wait.
It's curled up around Cosima, some silly show streaming in on Netflix, that she realizes how deep in she is. Sex may not be something that lasts in this...relationship. But her love for Cosima most certainly will.
She'd wanted to be disgusted at herself when she'd been teary at the prospect of putting Cosima back on the train, sending her back to Toronto without her. But she carried on.
When her agency calls and schedules a Friday night job, she agreed. But even as she acknowledged the unfortunate client, seeing Cosima was all she could think about. All she could fantasize about through the week.
She readies herself as usual in the hotel dressing room. Her hair straightened and up, pinned out of the way. Make-up impeccably applied. Aldous would want to take her out first, she knew that. That was his habit after all.
Except she was wrong, the tight dress never left the hotel room, and he was far too curious about the nature of her arrangement with Cosima.
In the end, he'd relented to her vague answers, but managed to bruise her wrists in the course of their evening.
She'd wanted to go to Cosima last night, craved it, needed it. But she forces herself to wait til morning, to bathe again, to pick up flowers for her. As if that might stop any questions about where she was the night before in their tracks.
Her heart is always so full when she sets eyes on Cosima. Even the text to let her up to the apartment has her heart feeling ready to burst. The love and tenderness she's expecting to share, the warmth and comfort of Cosima's embrace. All of it.
"Allô!" Delphine greets her readily, bouquet of yellow roses held out."
"Oh god… I missed you." Cosima leaps at her when she arrives at her apartment, arms wrapping around her tightly. The flowers are quickly placed aside, onto her desk.
She smiles into their kiss and Cosima pushes herself up on the balls of her feet, clinging to her shoulders to get better leverage.
"Delphine… I don't want you to talk…" Cosima swallows thickly, "just let me say this and then afterwards, if you want, we can pretend I never did. Okay?"
"Alright."
"I love you." Cosima closes her eyes, burying her face in her neck, clinging on for dear life. "I love you so fucking much and this is killing me."
Her full heart shatters into pieces, eyes stinging with held back tears. "Cosima…"
"No. Don't, just let me finish please." Cosima begs her, voice muffled. "I just need to love you. I need you to let me..."
Unable to think of what else to say, if Cosima would even let her say it, Delphine grabs her by the face kissing her soundly. She tries to pour in her love, her desire.
She begins to remove clothing, Cosima's and then her own, guiding Cosima back towards her bed.
"No.. that's not what I meant." Cosima mumbles between kisses as her bra is discarded. "Just let me love you."
"I will." Delphine breathes, laying a series of kisses down Cosima's body. I love you too, she thinks.
Her mouth reaches her prize, burying her face in Cosima's want, as she laps and sucks. She's getting better at this, she realizes, Cosima reacts faster, moans more, grips at her hair as thighs clamp around her ears.
Yes, Delphine thinks, come for me, mon amour. She's in too deep, far too deep. Losing Cosima is bound to devastate her now. Maybe she should move to Toronto, live with Cosima. They could get a little apartment, or a condo - she had enough money, even if Cosima didn't. They could have a life together. She could do this to her everyday.
Cosima comes, and she cries, tears dripping down her cheeks onto Cosima's thighs, even as she moves to adjust her weight, not to rest it on Cosima's ailing body.
"Wow…" Cosima breathes heavily, looking down at her. "Not quite what I was planning, but… very very good."
"Good." Delphine nuzzles her cheek. "I'm happy you enjoyed it."
"Enjoyed is not strong enough a word…" Cosima breaks off. "Was this supposed to be a distraction to keep me from finishing what I was saying?"
"No. It was a reaction." Delphine responds honestly. "I needed to have you."
"Why though? Why me? Why any of this?" Cosima gestures wildly in frustration. "What is this to you?"