So what do you think so far? This is some crazy shit, right? I know you're probably confused. That's okay…I am, too. Join the club. When I am living my lives, I really don't think about it much, you know, in the moment. I don't have the time. If I do, then I am taking away those precious moments from Colby. Or from Jon. And I never want to do that. So my time for ponder and reflection comes now…here. When I am trapped between worlds so to speak, in some kind of mystical waiting room. Don't get all freaked out. It's not science fiction or horror. There are no ghosts or aliens. It's just…well, it's just me. Me and my thoughts.

So we are clear on what happens at night. If you haven't figured it out yet, sleep is my portal. So I never take naps throughout the day or evening. Ever. I can't risk it, I am afraid to take the chance. Because when I fall asleep, I come here. The minute my eyes close and my body drifts into slumber…well my mind, my soul drifts into a living purgatory, so to speak. You dream. I don't. I sit here and think. Until it is a new day, time to wake up. And when I wake, I am somewhere else, with either Colby or Jon. I'm used to it…as much as one could get used to it. It's a routine and I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to throw anything off. I know you're asking why. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? For me, that is to find my reality, which means I will lose either Colby or Jon. I could not bear the thought.

Yeah, I said it. I don't want to know which life is real. I am happy with the way things are. I like it. I have to admit that. It is the best of both worlds, so to speak. Colby and Jon together make up the perfect man in a perfect world. In my own two worlds, they are still perfect…for the lives we lead, for me.

When I am with Colby…it's great. Who could complain with a guy like that? You know? You saw him. You know what our life together is like. What woman in her right mind would not want to be with someone like him? I mean, you have eyes, you can see how gorgeous he is. Trust me, he is just as beautiful on the inside. I swear I don't think a purer soul exists. I love talking to him. We do it all the time. And it could go on forever and if it did, that would be okay because I know we would never run out of things to say to each other.

When I am with him, I feel so safe. It is literally picture perfect. Well, nothing is perfect but it gets pretty damned close. We occasionally disagree. Just normal couple stuff. And he struggles on the road. There are some…issues and it has bruised his confidence a little. It gets hard. He deals with it though. And I am by his side every step of the way. We get through it together.

I am so proud of him. Just seeing him evolve in his career. This is his dream. He is so happy. That moment in the Gorilla when he is dressed in his trunks, his boots are all laced up…his hair is dripping wet. That passion fuels him, this tangible fire burns in his eyes. I can feel it. I feel it for him. There is like a magic in the air. Ask any wrestler from the top WWE draw to the guy having his first Indy match in front of five people out in a barn in the middle of corn country. It doesn't matter. They play your music and the adrenaline gets pumping and it's pure magic. There is no other feeling quite like it. It's magic. I see it in Colby's eyes just like I saw it in my daddy's eyes all those years growing up.

I think my dad kind of re-lives those glory days vicariously through my boyfriend. Colby will have a good match and my dad will put his arm around him and say in his heavy accent, "You did a find job, there, son." Sometimes they look like a happier couple than we do. I know I am going to marry Colby someday. We're already talked about it. That gives my family some measure of ease. They are old school Southern Baptist and very traditional. They like him a lot but they frown upon us living together. They accept it though because they know that we are made for each other.

You saw how gentle and loving and sweet Colby is. And uh…I guess you caught a glimpse of Jon as well. I know, I know. You don't even have to say it. I know what you're thinking. And I get it. You think I am a mess first of all. Yes, that offends me but I concede that it's a little true. I'm a bad girl with a good heart. Lord knows I have made my share of stupid mistakes. I try but I can't stop fucking up. Nobody understands that. They think I make excuses, that I wallow in self-pity, that I live for the drama and misery of it all. Yeah, that's what you would see, looking from the outside in, I suppose. It does look that way. But things aren't always what they appear.

You think Jon is crude. Abrasive. Sarcastic. He is all of those things. And if you're waiting for me to break the news that he has these sweet, sensitive rainbow and unicorn moments, well, you're about to be vastly disappointed. That shit only happens on TV. Not our life.

He is what he is and he is who he is and he makes no apologies for any of it. Don't get me wrong…he has some fine moments. It's not all bad. He's funny as hell and he knows how to have a good time. Nobody parties like Jon Good. I like that about him. We're compatible. He is a mess, too. A hot one. And that's why we get along so well. I know that he understands me. And nobody in my life ever understood me before, never took the time to try. But he does and it just comes natural. He is a good man in his own way and I love him for it.

And yes, I know there is more to life and sustaining a good relationship than partying and having great sex. By the way, the sex is fan-fucking-tastic! He is an amazing lover. But we talk too. We connect. We're like two peas in a pod. He tells me about his past and it makes me want to cry for him but he won't let me. Jon doesn't want my pity. He does not want anyone's pity so don't you feel sorry for him. He has come to terms with the past even though the scars still run deep. I have my own scars, my own pair. I guess it is the scar tissue that bonds us together.

My favorite thing is to see him wrestle. He's so good. The talk is, he is the next big thing. I hope so. He deserves it. He is a brawler. He bleeds and he gets hurt and does the craziest spots and sells the hell out of them, like no other. And that is actually fun for him. How many times after some ridiculous hardcore match have I literally had to pick thumbtacks out of his ass?

But he is great at what he does. He is dynamite on the mic. An unscripted phenom. People get mesmerized by his promos. He uses a lot of real life stuff. You never know what he is going to ad lib but it doesn't matter because it is all dynamite. I am so proud watching him what he was born to do. He laces up his boots, puts on those knee pads, the hair all over the place, tight trunks cling to his hips and ass and then he walks out to the ring in that jacket. Wow. No words.

But he isn't just some loose cannon. Some crazy guy that reminds people of Heath Ledger's Joker. He is a wrestler. He is technical. He has been training for this moment, perfecting his craft, learning whatever he could whenever he could wherever he could since he was a kid. Wrestling was his escape. Escape from an alcoholic mother, an absentee father, a life of crime where dreams, especially pipe dreams simply don't exist. Nobody gave him a shot. Nobody thought he would amount to shit. He was supposed to be just another statistic, in prison or six feet below in a casket. But he beat unspeakable odds.

That is the kind of story that tugs at heart strings, sells DVDs and wrestling tickets. And he is talented. And he is hot. And his girlfriend is the daughter of a very influential man in wrestling. It's all the ingredients for a Cinderella story but as long as my dad still has breath in his lungs, Dean Ambrose will never see the light of the WWE. My dad hates him with a passion. Oh he will begrudgingly admit that he has talent. Right before he tells you that he is a thug, a criminal…trash. Arn Anderson will never wrap his arm around Dean Ambrose, never call him "son". And um, I am beginning to think I will never feel his arms around me again either.

So there it is. Two worlds just as different as night and day. I need Colby. I need goodness in my life. I need safety and romance and unconditional love and loyalty. I need to have a hero. I need to have some normalcy. And I also need Jon. I need a little bad ass in my life. I need chaos, and drama and well…unconditional love. That is what I get from both of them. To find my real reality would mean I would have to give up one of them. And I can't do that. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

I need Colby…Seth…happy Daveny. And that Daveny needs Jon…Dean…crazy Daveny. Together the story completes itself. It's strange but um it's mine. My life. My lives. It's all love. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. I could go on and on but there will be more time for that later. For now, the alarm clock is about to buzz. And that means it is time to wake up.