Disclaimer: We don't own anything, and aren't making money out of this. If we are making money outta something, you can bet there'll be sex scenes, car chases, and needlessly complicated plots.
Additional Note: Any offence caused by the fic is purely accidental, and we apologise to anyone concerned. This fic is meant for humour only.
Additional Additional Note: It has come to our attention that an increasing amount of readers are choking on their drinks due to laughter while reading this. It is therefore recommended that you do not consume any beverages within an hour after reading this, and during reading this.
Joe: Sorry about the last chapter, with the gangster stuff and all.
Gromit: We were just following advice from our corporate advisors.
Joe: Well, you'll be glad to hear that we fired them. Gromit got kinda angry with them, due to the lack of reviews (they said to follow the new 'urban' trend), and he… well… the same thing that he's gonna do to those that don't review… he ate their souls…
Gromit: Well…
Joe: …yeah…
Gromit: hmm…
Joe: … yeah…
Gromit: So, now we're following the advice of our new advisors.
Joe: Yeah! War in Iraq! Kill them terrorists! USA! USA! USA!
Gromit: Even though we're Irish. And I don't support the war anyway.
(A smacking noise is heard)
Joe: Gromit! Don't talk like that to the reviewers! I had to type that in, as it was part of the conversation. I can't be bothered to take it off, but you're gonna have to delete that part where you said you didn't support the war later. You'd better remember, or we're in deep shit, right? You have to remember! Got that Gromit? Re-Mem-Ber!
Gromit: Yeah, yeah, I'll take it out later, before you submit the document. Jeese, of course I'll remember, I'm not a total idiot…
Joe: Great. Now, just to make sure that you all read our author's note, we're gonna start the fic IN the authors note, so those that didn't BOTHER to read the authors note skip the start of the story, and have no clue what's going on! (We'll put the title of the fic in later, to confuse the scumbags who didn't read the author's notes…)
Gromit: KILL THE NON-BELIEVERS!
Joe: Yes, Gromit, that too.
Dante gave a heavy sigh as he pulled the zipper on a travel he had packed. He needed a holiday.
And as for Agni & Rudra?
Dante shrugged the thought out of his head. Trish could take care of them.
He foolishly left his bag under the weapon rack as he left upstairs to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich and say goodbye to Trish.
"So!" Agni hollered from his perch on the wall. Although it could not be seen, all the other living weapons on the wall flinched at the sound of his voice (apart from Rudra, of course)
"Where are you going, homo? - I mean, homie?
He got no response as Dante shut the door.
"Brother, this gangsta thing doesn't seem to amuse me as it once did…"
(Cue sigh of relief to all readers of this worldwide)
Agni turned his gaze to his twin.
"Yes, I quite agree, if I have to say 'mofo' one more time, I'll set this place on fire!"
said Agni.
The two were quiet for a moment, a rare occurrence for them, both of them looking at the bag on the floor.
Breaking the godsent silence, Rudra stated:
"It looks like Master is going on holiday. He would be terribly lonely going by himself."
"Yes, I see your point," Agni remarked "I say! We should go with him!"
"Excellent idea! Let's ask him now!"
"No! No!" Agni exclaimed "It'd be much nicer if it was a surprise! Imagine; him, thinking he's going to have an unfulfilled week of staring at inappropriately dressed ladies by the pool-"
"You mean lady Trish?"
"No, not this time, but, anyway, instead of all that boring stuff, he open his bag looking for a change of clothes, but instead finds no boring clothes, but finds the friendly dynamic duo there to save the week! Oh, we'll have lovely walks, and hikes, and picnics, and-"
"Go to the beach?" Rudra inquired.
"No! There'll be women there! We're going to have a boy's week out!"
The other weapons telepathic conversation:-
Alastor: He's going to-
The Life & Times of Agni and Rudra: ch.4
Snap them in half, isn't he?
(Readers Voice: WTF? This doesn't make sense?
Joe: You didn't read the author's note, did you?
RV: No! That's a load of crap!
Gromit: Well, good for you then! 'cos we're not telling you where the story started! Good luck finding it, without our help!)
Beowulf: …what the hell was that?! There were these voices interrupting Alastor! All Joes, and Gromits and readers voices! I ask you, what the hell is a readers voice anyway?!
Nevan: Oh, no, dear, those were the narrators.
Beowulf: But that would mean that we live in a fictional world and-
Rebellion: No! No! It was nothing, it was nothing, everything's fine, just go on with the conversation!
Beowulf: You mean that there's no chance that we only exist as words in a fan fiction of some Capcom game?
Ifrit: Of course not! That's ridiculous.
Alastor: So, back on track, Dante's probably going to snap the two in half for doing that, isn't he?
Ifrit: Well, it's their own fault - look at them now, they're setting his clothes on fire in the bag to make room for themselves!
Cerberus: Oh well, more room on the wall for us.
Sparda: (old, frail voice) does this mean that I can come on now?
Rebellion: Shove it, Gramps! You're staying in that home!
Sparda: But, it's not even a home, it's just a really dusty shelf. I'm cold and lonely. Can't I come up-
Ifrit: Shut up! You're staying in your home.
Sparda: ohh….
(Joe: back to the actual plot, which we kinda forgot.
Gromit: Yeah, we get carried up on stuff sometimes)
Hours Later, at the airport:
Dante walked through the metal detector without incident, after putting his bag in the x-ray thingie.
He turned to face the security guard. His face dropped.
Before him, in uniform, was a heavily moustached, overweight man.
"You…" hissed the man, raising his fist.
Dante raised his hands in a signal of peace.
"Look, I don't want any trouble, I'm sorry for that last misunderstanding, I was drunk."
"So you had s- uh, never mind, but I'm still gonna kick your ass!"
His workmate pulled him back.
"What do you think you're doing, do you wanna get sued? You can only attack him if he has something like a sword in his bag, and, I mean, there's a million-to-one chance of that happening, so cool down!"
There was a cry from the man working at the x-ray thingie.
"OH MY GOD! HE'S GOT TWO SWORDS IN HIS BAG!"
The fat man, seizing his opportunity, leaped in Dante's general direction.
Dante whimpered as a giant shadow covered him. He murmured a silent, swift that went something like this: 'God, you there? Yeah, it's Dante. Sorry for the whole being a demon thing, but there's this fat guy about the jump on me, and I wondered if, maybe, you could make him lose a few pounds before he lands on me. Yeah, bye, I'd really appreciate it if -"
His prayers went unanswered.
Dante was knocked unconscious and brought into a room for questioning.
When he opened his eyes, a sharp pain was brought to his attention in the back of his head.
He realised that his feet and hands were bound to a small metal chair that he was sitting on.
Two security guards were facing him with grim faces.
Dante sighed. He was not in the mood for this. With a heave, he ripped the chords and got, then turned to the door and left.
The Junior Guard turned to his senior.
"Uh…uh, sir, you, eh- I mean, he's uh, get my keys, he shouldn't those, should he?"
He queried.
"No," said his superior, looking baffled.
The Junior turned to Dante, who paused to look at them.
"You-you give those back!" he demanded sternly.
Dante ignored him.
"He's not giving me my keys back, sir!" he wailed.
The superior rammed into the now locked door.
"Dammit, he locked us in!"
"He locked us in, sir!"
"…yes, I just said that."
"Yes you did sir!"
"… …you really are a lickass, you know that, Perkins."
"Wow, golly, sir, you got that really fast!"
"..Are you mocking me?"
"No, sir."
… …
"Wanna play cards, Perkins?"
"Okay."
"So…got any aces?"
"Go fish"
"…do we have any cards?"
"uh…no, no we've no cards."
…
"I gotta poop, sir."
"Well, you'll just have to hold it in Perkins. It's your fault anyway, I thought you tied that guy down."
"I did. Nylon and everything. He broke through. It's almost as if he's some demon in some famous video game!"
"Now, now, careful Perkins, that's twice in the same fic someone said that!"
"… … …what?"
Dante left the two in the room and retrieved his bag, which was outside the door. He was still groggy from the blow, and sat down in an empty wheelchair that was nearby. His plane to Barbados would not leave for another two hours. He slung the bag on the back of the wheelchair, and dozed off.
Unbeknownst to Dante, a retirement home group nearby were on a special trip to Australia, and were missing one pensioner.
A nurse holding a clipboard was signing off names as the old people entered the plane.
After the last one entered, she noticed an unticked name.
"Agni Delaney?" she called out.
There was no answer. She sighed. She knew this guy. He was short of hearing, and tended to talk loudly. English, too, as one could tell from his accent.
"Mr. Agni!" she called out, only louder.
A short bit down the corridor, the nurses voice was heard inside the bag.
"YES!" Agni roared in response "I'M OVER HERE!"
The nurse gave a sigh of relief, and walked towards the voice. As turned around a bend, she saw a man with white hair in a wheelchair.
This has to be him, she thought.
"We're going now, Mr. Agni," she stated.
"Are we? Jolly-good!" Agni delightedly exclaimed.
"Where are we going?" asked another, similar voice.
The nurse stared at the man, who seemed to be talking while barely moving his lips, and also appeared to be schizophrenic.
Oh, well, she thought, a lot of old rich guys are.
"We're going to Australia, Agni," she answered.
"That's Mr. Rudra to you!"
Wow, that really is sad… she thought, at this man' state of mind.
"Yes, Mr. Agni, and Mr. Rudra."
"What about Master Dante? You have to talk to him too! He's the one who paid for the tickets!"
Oh, God…what a really bad case… she thought.
"Okay, Mr. Agni, I'll talk to Master Dante too."
"What?! I'm Rudra!" Rudra angrily said.
"No, no, she was talking to me!" Agni explained.
"Oh, sorry, carry on, then."
"Nurse! Wheel us on! That's what women are for, right? You know, cooking and cleaning and whatnot, and touching our… Rudra, what was it that Master Dante said?"
"Oh, it you mean our-"
The nurse wheeled them onto the plane, cursing all perverted men and their type.
As the plane flew off, a cry was heard from a room in the airport:
"Ah, Christ, Perkins! Could you not hold in for a few minutes?! This stuff'll take ages to come out!"
Later that night, another cry was heard, this time from an old man called Agni Delaney.
"Hello? Is anybody there? I'm stuck here and, and I can't find my wheelchair!"
"I'm cold, and lonely...sniff..."
"Where do I live?"
End of Part 1
Joe: 'End of Part 1'… sounds nice, doesn't it?
Gromit: Well, it obviously means that there might be a part 2, if people review.
Joe: Well, no point dragging it out, as Gromit pretty much covered what I was going to say: review.
Ciao.
Gromit: Meow,
Fish