The clock read noon when Dean finally forced his gummy eyes open. His head was pounding and his tongue felt swollen and gross. For a moment, dark humor rolled through him. He had grown up seeing his father slowly killing himself with his drinking before it caught up with him in a flaming wreck. Now here he was, drinking the same way over a boy he kissed for years ago.

If it weren't so pathetic he might laugh at the irony. He did laugh, and if it was humorless, he was the only one to hear. He was twenty two and already contemplating the end of his life. It was almost hilarious the levels of pathetic he had managed to achieve.

Speaking of pathetic, Dean pulled his phone out. He wondered exactly what his drunken mind over the last week had texted to Cas.

Me: I'm living but weak. I'm hearing voices from shadows inside me. I never sleep. My eyes are too focused, too hopeless, too open to notice – interfering with the call of fate is crawling out of you and now… find comfort in the smallest spaces.
Sent: April 3

Me: And we were in flames, I needed – I needed you to run through my veins – like disease – disease. And now we are strange, strangers.
Sent: April 4

Me: So where the hell's my hope, and why can't I just try? You know I've lost a lot, but I won't let this die.
Sent: April 5

Me: I think I should be a little more confident in myself, in my skin. Take me – take me home. Take me – take me home, cause I don't stand a chance in these four walls.
Sent: April 6

Me: Another game of charades. Don't you know everybody plays? I don't want to lose to you that way. Maybe we'll be different this time around. Maybe we'll be different. I don't know.
Sent: 12:46AM

It didn't take long for him to grow bored with wallowing in his bed. He force himself to drink a whole glass of water and swallow some aspirin before jumping in the shower. Dean felt lightheaded in the moist heat afterwards, but he trudged through it.

By the time he sat down to eat the omelet he had cooked for himself – with a glass of whiskey on the side – it was two in the afternoon. The omelet was half gone and the whiskey had been refilled when there was a knock on the door.

Dean took a second to glare at it before he walked over. When he opened the door – because he's stupid and never used the peephole and would probably be murdered someday because of it – he swallowed.

Cas was standing at the door, a look of annoyance on his features. He pushed his way past Dean without and invitation and stood in the living room. Dean tried to see it the way he would and took in the details.

There were empty whiskey bottles near the couch and on the counter. A pillow and a crumpled sheet were on the couch from the nights he'd let himself get too drunk to get to bed. It smelled like stale air and eggs, which was better than it could have been.

He didn't want to feel ashamed, but he felt heat rush to his face. Almost without thinking, he began to throw away the bottles and wash his egg pan. He didn't bother to hide the whiskey he sipped.

Cas took it all in silently, never taking his eyes off of Dean. He refused to feel bad about wearing pajama pants and a tee shirt. He was in his own home on a weekend. It didn't matter if Cas always looked immaculate.

Finally, when Dean was sitting at the table, whiskey in hand and his mind wandering to where he had put the cigarettes from last weekend, Cas spoke. "I need you to stop texting me, Dean."

He didn't know what to say to that. The truth was that he had tried. He didn't want to seem so desperate. The state of his apartment and the bloodshot eyes he knew he was sporting only solidified the impression. He couldn't very well explain that to the other man without sounding even worse, though.

His silence must not have been the best choice, because Cas ran his hand through his hair and down the side of his face. The gesture was familiar and made Dean glance away only to look back again when he continued. Dean almost thought he might not have noticed the silence.

"You had your chance and you lost it. I was practically in love with you in high school." Dean looked him in the eyes in surprise and clenched his jaw. "Do you really think I only kissed you because you wanted to do something crazy?" Cas only gave an empty half smile. "God, Dean. It was you inviting me to do what I had wanted to do since I was fifteen."

Dean licked his lips before he could speak. "I was scared, Cas. That's why I stopped it. I regret it." He shook his head and looked at the tabletop because those laser eyes were starting to get to him. "I really regret it."

When he looked up, Cas was staring at him, his jaw clenched. He watched the darker man take one, two, three breaths before he made an effort to drop his tensed shoulders. "You've made that clear. Maybe if you had realized that two years ago…" His voice stopped and he shook his head. "I'm getting married in June, Dean. To Meg."

He knew it would just be torture, but when Cas started walking toward the door, Dean called out to him. Because he was selfish and demanded the things he wasn't given, he asked for a kiss. "One kiss and I leave you alone, Cas. Is that so bad?"

He looked ready to just duck out the door. Maybe he realized that he would get text messages every day, though. Maybe he wanted to kiss Dean as much as Dean wanted him to, though he wouldn't bet on it.

Those dream-blue eyes were suddenly looking into his. They were hard as steel as Cas walked closer and pulled Dean to him, his nails biting into his neck.

The unexpected pain of it made Dean deepen the kiss and make it more aggressive than he'd meant it to be. He bit into Cas' lip and couldn't help the growl that escaped when he gasped. He pushed the smaller man back unti he hit the wall and pinned him there with his kiss and his hands crushed to his hips.

One of Cas's hands was pulling him closer with a grip in his hair, the other had pulled up his shirt and was digging into his ribs. He heard his name groaned into his mouth.

His finger had slipped beneath the sweater he wore and touched his hip when Cas shoved him back. Dean was painfully aware of his body – his pajama pants were far more restrictive than they had been before and his heart was hammering in his chest and his lips tingled and burned.

"I am getting married." Dean couldn't tell if he sounded happy about it. If he could have, he would have known what to do. He didn't, though, so he clenched his jaw and stood far enough away that he wasn't touching but close enough to feel his heat across his skin.

After a few seconds, his head cleared enough for him to speak. Cas looked out of it, so someone had to do something. "So leave." He didn't want him to, but Dean would do as he said. He'd gotten his kiss, even if all it had done was set his body to boiling. If Cas walked away, Dean would let him go and leave him alone.

Cas looked tortured, his eyes sad. He wanted to look away; he didn't want to see this. He could barely live with his own problems; it wasn't fair for Cas to be here and looking so broken. But, just like before, there was something about Cas that pulled him. He kept looking until the other man looked down and shook his head. When he looked up, Dean couldn't read the look on his face.

Songs used here:

This Time It's Different - Evans Blue
[I'm living but weak. I'm hearing voices from shadows inside me. I never sleep. My eyes are too focused, too hopeless, too open to notice – interfering with the call of fate is crawling out of you and now… find comfort in the smallest spaces.]

Winter - Daughter
[And we were in flames, I needed – I needed you to run through my veins – like disease – disease. And now we are strange, strangers.]

The Permanent Rain - Dangerous Summer
So where the hell's my hope, and why can't I just try? You know I've lost a lot, but I won't let this die. So where the hell's my hope, and why can't I just try? You know I've lost a lot, but I won't let this die.]

Ready When You Are - Trapt
[Another game of charades. Don't you know everybody plays? I don't want to lose to you that way. Maybe we'll be different this time around. Maybe we'll be different. I don't know. ]