A/N my character Bess doesn't have such a big part in it

Adam was now living in CA with Tim and everything seemed to be going great. After the wedding Adam, Bess and Kris seemed to fall out of touch. Tim still spoke to her now and then but she was always too busy. Tim and Adam had been together now for 9 months and Tim was his rock making everything ok.

One month later

Adam and Tim were driving to go to dinner to celebrate that fact that they were 10 months strong. They were holding hands when Tim was divining and they never saw the other driver and the car was hit. Adam was in hit the face with glass and passed out. Tim was killed right away. Adam awoke in the hospital he looked around for Tim but he wasn't by his side. He got up and walked to the bathroom and saw the stitches all down his face. He wondered what had happened. He turned to a nurse.

"Miss what happened."

"You were in a car accident and were cut up pretty badly."

"What about Tim where is he."

"You don't know."

"No."

"Tim was killed." He felt sick and threw up on the floor. He felt everything was over. Got up on the bed and just cried. For the first time in very long time he felt like cutting. The next day he went home but it was empty. He sat on the couch looking at picture of him and Tim together and could feel everything fall apart. He dug the razor in his arm watching the blood run down his arm. He knew this was only temporary high but that didn't matter because his lover and soul mate was gone. He look at his left arm and saw all the scars from idol and how being with Tim helped him. He lay on the floor trying not cry but he help it.

2 weeks later

Adam and Bess hadn't seen each other since the wedding. Adam was hiding the fact that that he was cutter again. Bess could tell Adam was a wreck.

"Adam are you really ok. If something is wrong you can tell me."

"Things are better. You need to worry." At the funereal he tried to act like he wasn't gonna lost it. The priest got to the podium.

"We are here to say goodbye to Tim Moore who was killed and taken too soon." After hearing that Adam ran out feelin sick, when he got to the bathroom he locked the door and got sick. He sat on the bathroom floor digging the razor in his arm about the time Bess knocked on the door.

"Is everything ok?"

"I got sick other then that everything is fine." He lying to Bess but right now he didn't feel like be bothered. When he got home he sat alone with just whiskey and his razors. At night hated to be a sleep holding a picture of Tim. Before his went to sleep he would cut his arm twice. It had been a month yet and his other arm was already cut up.

A week later

It was time for the American idol tour, when Adam showed up everyone looked at him. Bess wasn't the only one that was there. Danny came up to him and he could smell booze on him.

"Is everything ok with you?" He wasn't ready to tell about his lose,

"Everything is fine."

"Are you and your boyfriend still together." Adam knew was gonna be sick and run to the bathroom. When he got to the bathroom he cut his arm without knowing that Danny was watching.

"What is going in here please tell me."

"I'm going through something and sometimes this helps me cope." Danny wondered if this would be like idol when he cut too deep. Adam could feel tears steam down his face trying to hide it but started to cry.

"Adam why are you crying."

"My boyfriend was killed in a car crash and now I am alone." Danny went up to him to hug Adam."

"I'm so sorry man. Does it hurt then cut?"

"Only when I want it to." Danny was the person he talked about it but feel sick again. As he was getting ready he thought about how he would sing "one time" to Tim. It hurt to sing but he did anyway to make his fans happy. It was almost a month since he was happy. Sleeping in the hotel felt a little better, but he dreamed all he saw Tim.

His dream

"Baby you told me you'd never leave me and you're gone."

"If I had control over it I'd be with you. It was a drunk driver."

"I love you so much." Soon they were kissing touching each other.

"Please don't go.

He woke up looking to the other side of bed and it was empty. He wanted to call Bess to talk about his feelings. When thought now much he missed him Adam knew he gonna sick. He ran to the bathroom and get sick again. He sat on the bathroom floor crying so he cut again and feel sleep

Another dream

After the kiss they arrived at the Italian food place, they ate and talked. When they go home they watched some Law and Order and went to bed. That was time he saw his lovers bloody face

Adam hated being asleep even though the thought of being awake wasn't any better. He got in his car and drove to get some more whiskey. When he got back his drank as he got drunk his phone ran it was Bess, he didn't feel like talk to anyone.

3 months later

Adam couldn't remember the last time he was sober. It still hurt nothing got better. His life was still falling apart all he wanted was to be with time like it was before. When he was on stage he pretended for his fans that everything was fine. He was still getting sick when he thought about what happened. When he looked in the mirror he had a big scar from the accident and that didn't make things better. He picked up his phone and called Bess but she wasn't there. He figured she was too busy with her music career. So he left her a message.

It was March which met if he was still alive they've been together for year. Thinking about that made things worse. When Bess called back he was drunk.

"Adam what do you need."

"Help I can't take this anymore. All this hurt is tearing me a part."

"Have you been drinking? When you hurting did you do some cutting."

"Yes am drunk but you have no idea I've been feeling. Yes some cutting." That was only the half true his whole right arm was cut. Up

"Adam you have deal with your feelings. Drinking and cutting are only temporary highs; they won't make you feel better. ."

"How you can say that I lost the love of life."

"He was my best friend I loved him like brother. You need help and I can come there to help you."

"All I want is Tim but he gone so all I want right now is be alone."

"I don't think being alone is good thing." He hung up the phone and started to feel sick ad got sick. Just then his phone rang it was Bess calling back. She was the last person he wanted to talk to so she left a message.

Adam you really need help I'm worried about you. please call me back. He fell asleep soon he was dreaming about his lover and the first time they met.

His dream

As she started into those green eyes he felt his jeans get tighter. He knew he was in love and ran to his room before anyone would tell he had a boner. Just as he went to room he heard a knock on the door it was Tim. They went to sit on the bed; Tim reached his in between Adams legs making his jeans tighter. Soon the pants were off and Tim was "pleasuring" Adam.

He woke up Adam hated waking up and being alone. He got up and drank someone soon he passed out drunk. When he woke up he saw Bess wondering how she got here.

"How did you get here?"

"I followed the American idol tour schedule. I took time off to help you."

"I don't need help. I'm fine."

"Then so me your arm." He couldn't he knew things were bed. He rolled up his sleeve and she all the cuts.

"Adam you can't just cut because you lost Tim. Talk about why you're upset.

"Like I said on the phone you don't get it. I lost the one I love. You still have Kris, a kid and everything is going good you. Everything fucked up for me."

"I know you loved him with all your heart but you need to stop this. None of this is helping you."

"But I can't be alone my thoughts. All I want is be alone. Please just leave."

"I can't do that because I leave you just back to hurting yourself."

"So what if I do that without Tim I aint got nothing."

"You have me I'll be friend. Please don't talk like that."

"Look at my face I'll always have there scares to remind of that night. All I want is my life back to the way it was"

"I know that this won't get easier. You have to try to live your life."

"If you lost Kris would say that same thing."

"Yes I would. You really want to live your whole life depressed."

"No but I can't be happy either." He felt sick again running to the bathroom and got sick.

"You hurt so much you get physically sick."

"You I've been way since I woke up in the hospital and told me he was gone."

"I don't know all this."

"The last time I saw his face he was covered in blood. When I close my eyes I see that image."

"By talking about you're one step closer to getting better.' He couldn't tell her how he thought about killing himself to end the pain his felt."

"Please just leave me alone. I really need to alone. He wanted to promise not to hurt himself but lie that big to her.

"Why do you want to be alone?"

"I want to be alone with the pain."

"I understand but it what you do alone that scares me. It scared him too but he could say that to her because he say that himself.

"Listen I have to go but if you really need to talk call me. I'll always be there." He hugged her goodbye, by this time he had to go on stage." He couldn't so he lied and told him he didn't feel well." He sat on the bathroom floor staring the razors thing how easy it would be to push it his wrists and cut. But to him that would be "easy". He got in his car and brought whiskey then stopped to by a gun and one bullet.

One month later

Adam thought many time about calling Bess up but she lining and was happy. He didn't want to bother about his fucked life. He also didn't want to her say "you should try to live your life or "you don't be depressed" she didn't know what he was going though or would ever understand. Almost 5 months since Tim went away and the pain was as fresh as the day he learned the truth. He pulled out a notepad and started to write.

Dear everyone,

You all think I should get help dealing with all this pain but that won't bring him back. I can't deal with this pain both physical and the emotional parts. No ne will ever understand what I saw that night. I feel guilty I could help him maybe if was awake he could be here today. I'm done trying to deal with know it takes but dealing any longer will kill me inside. I'm done ending all this pain

Love

Adam

Adam picked up the gun and fired into his chest right away he could see blood gushing out. He started to slip in and out of conscious and he saw Tim

"Baby I don't want you kill yourself because I'm gone. I want you to be happy and life your life. I want you to fall in love again."

He picked up the phone and called 911

"911 what is your emergency."

"I just shot myself and I need help."

"Why you did you do that."

"I wanted to kill myself. But then I had second thoughts." Right then he passed out and awoke in the hospital and saw Bess.

"Adam I can't believe you tried to kill yourself what changed your mind"

"I know this may sound crazy but saw him and said he didn't want to do it. I really need help."

"I know so are you gonna get help."

"Yes I am going go the psych ward." The doctor came in.

"Mr. Lambert you almost died. So you tired to kill yourself."

"Yes I am going to into treatment because I can't go home with these feeling."

"I'll get the papers. The doctor came back with papers and Adam signed him. For the first time he felt a little better."

"How did you know I was here?"

"The doctor called me and told what happened. I guess you had me as an emergency contact."