A/N:Hi everyone. Thanks for coing back. sorry, this is up a little later than planned. Had slight technical difficulties which had to be sorted out - mostly by hoping. It worked! Anyway, quick answer to PureSummerMagic's question. Chapter one - Christmas on Atlantis never actullay happened, it is imagined.

Disclaimer: I haven't done one since the first chapter as I kind of thought that was enough. But I'm going to do one anyway. I don't own anything or anyone related to Stargate. If I did you can bet things would have been different.

Chapter 4

Light. Evil, unwanted morning light. Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard opened one eye and confirmed it was in fact daytime. He groaned and closed the eye again.

His head felt like it was going to explode. To wake up feeling like he had the worse hangover without getting incredibly drunk the night before – it really wasn't fair. Someone hated him, he was sure of that.

But… he was alive. It could have very easily been the opposite yesterday. However, that didn't make him feel any better. For John, the word 'alive' had many different interpretations. In his case he was alive insofar as he was breathing. But nothing more.

Teyla was right. Yesterday he saved the world. And he was only breathing. He may have felt relief when they escaped through the Stargate after ensuring the Wraith Hive's destruction, but honestly, he felt more content when he had been sitting in his F302 on the Hive waiting to sacrifice himself.

He should have felt… happy? Maybe. Glad to be alive? Definitely. He wasn't. He felt… nothing. Nothing but…

"You loved her."

Sheppard's eyes flew open and he bolted upright. The memories of his conversation with Teyla replayed in his mind. He put his face in his hands and shook his head. "Good one, John," he mumbled, ashamed. "What were you thinking?"

Taking his hands away from his face, John allowed his eyes to focus on his surroundings. Damn it, he thought. He was in her room, on her bed.

He got off the bed and walked to the window. The spires of the city shone majestically in the light of the morning San Francisco sun. He contemplated the question of what would become of Atlantis now. It couldn't stay here. John couldn't see the feasibility of putting Atlantis on one of Earth's oceans without the general public finding out either. Nevertheless, Earth was Atlantis' original home planet. He could imagine the IOA wanting to keep it here or at least nearby. That thought did not sit well. Atlantis belonged in the Pegasus Galaxy, defending the people who lived there in fear of the Wraith. That was what his instinct was telling him and he was in no doubt that Elizabeth would have felt the same way.

His mind returned to the subject it had been trying to avoid. What had possessed him to profess his feelings to Teyla? Didn't she have enough on her mind already with her partner and son in another galaxy? Now she was probably worried about him and Sheppard could not abide that. How could he do this to her, how could he be so selfish? And to what end? All their "chat" had succeeded in doing was making him retreat to her quarters.

He looked around the room. Although none of her things were present it still felt like she was here in the room with him. His heart lurched in his chest and his eyes involuntarily began to well up. He clamped them shut to stop the tears escaping but he could only see her. Here, in his mind, she stood on the balcony – their balcony – and watched the ocean. It had been her favourite place. Consequently, it had become his favourite place too. They had spent so much time there, talking, laughing, and arguing. Sometimes they stood side-by-side in comfortable silence. Sheppard had never experienced the kind of serenity he felt when he stood with her out there, gazing at the vista before them, without the need to exchange words.

"Colonel Sheppard."

Sheppard's eyes opened and he put his finger to his left ear to activate the earpiece. It was Richard Woolsey. Back to business.

"Sheppard here."

"I've just received word," said Woolsey. "A delegation will be arriving on Atlantis in two hours."

"Wow, guests already," said Sheppard, assuming his role as Atlantis's cool military commander. "Is the President coming? 'Cos if he is we'll need to break out the bunting."

There was a pause and John could almost see the look of exasperation that was likely to be on the civilian leader's face. "No, Colonel, but members of the IOA, Homeworld Security and Stargate Command are so I would appreciate it if you were present when they arrived."

John sighed. "Yes, Sir."

"Oh, and Colonel."

"Yes."

"Please make sure you are appropriately attired."

"Yes, Sir." Sheppard cut the connection and groaned. Appropriately attired – he knew what that meant. God, he hated the dress blue uniform. Sure, it looked good but it was a bitch to put on and he was never comfortable with the formality of it.

He had two hours so he decided the best thing to do was to head to his quarters to prepare. He walked to the doorway, pausing to look back at the room. "Bye, Elizabeth," he whispered, then used the sensor panel to open the doors.

As he walked to his quarters, he contemplated his next move. He needed to talk to Teyla. But what would he say? Should he apologise for burdening her? Should he tell her to forget it? Should he tell her he was joking? That would go down well. "Hey, Teyla, that stuff I told you about being in love with a woman I can never have? Just kidding!"

Maybe evasion was a better idea. Obviously he couldn't literally avoid her as she was his friend and a member of his team. But he could certainly avoid talking about it. If he acted as though it had never happened, she would get the message. He was sure she wouldn't be happy about it but she wouldn't push it – well, not again, anyway.

Sounds like a plan, John thought as he arrived at his quarters. He opened the doors and entered. He had a delegation to get ready for.

John Sheppard looked in the mirror and again adjusted his tie. It didn't look quite right.

Finally, he pulled the tie off and started again. As he did, his thoughts wandered to the last time he had worn this uniform.

He stood nervously on the porch as he waited for an answer.

The white door opened. A woman greeted John with a polite hello and a look of confusion. She was in her sixties with ivory skin and her dark hair with silver lining was naturally curly. But what struck him the most were the identical green eyes. It took him a moment to remember that he had to say something back.

He cleared his throat. "Mrs Weir," he stated shakily, "my name is John Sheppard. I worked with your daughter."

John shook himself out of the memory. He finished with the tie, buttoned up the jacket, grabbed his hat and stalked out of the room.

As he left the transporter booth he was met by Teyla, Ronon, McKay and Major Lorne. Lorne was also in his dress blues. Rodney wore a grey suit with a blue shirt and tie. Teyla wore a long brown skirt and a faded pink top with flared sleeves. Ronon was in his usual brown leather outfit but with the long brown coat on top – his idea of dressing appropriately.

"So, are we all ready?" John asked jovially. He didn't look directly at Teyla.

Each one of them nodded. John took the lead as they walked the rest of the way to the Gate Room.

He stopped when he saw the podium in front of the Stargate. What was this all about? He looked around the room, up to the Control Room and Weir's – Woolsey's – office. People were starting to fill the rooms, all were dressed smartly. He then noticed Richard Woolsey and Major General Jack O'Neill descend the steps from the Control Room.

As if in telepathic contact with one another, both Lorne and Sheppard stood stock straight and saluted the head of Homeworld Security. O'Neill reciprocated, and then smiled. "At ease, gentlemen."

Sheppard relaxed his posture and nodded his head towards the podium. "May I ask what's going on here, Sir?"

O'Neill smirked. "You'll see."

Sheppard looked to Woolsey who looked far more comfortable in a black suit, white shirt and black tie. When he had taken charge of Atlantis six months ago Sheppard had had severe doubts about his strength of character and his ability to do the job. But, Woolsey had proven himself and, in the process, earned John's respect. Woolsey only nodded, then walked to the podium.

Rodney groaned. "Please don't tell me he's written a speech."

"The Wraith should have let me stay dead," Ronon muttered.

Woolsey tapped on the microphone to see if it was working. It was. Everyone in the area quietened down and gave him their attention. "Good morning," he began. "It has certainly been a trying few days for us all. But, thanks to the efforts of each and every one of you here we were able to avert a terrible event befalling Earth and the Milky Way." He paused. "I can honestly say that I have never been more proud of anyone than I am of all of you." He smiled. "Now, I shall hand over to General O'Neill." As he stepped down, everyone applauded.

The team turned to O'Neill, mouths agape. "Yeah, I may have told him to keep it short," he said just loud enough for them to hear. "You can thank me later." He went to the podium and the applause died down.

"Well," O'Neil started. "I'm not one for epic speeches so we're gonna get right to it. For their unwavering courage and action in the face of a dangerous enemy, it is my honour to promote Major Evan Lorne to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel…" Applause and cheers erupted in the Gate and Control rooms. Lorne was smiling freely.

"And…" O'Neill said loudly and the noise immediately died down. "And Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard to the rank of Colonel."

John looked to his team who were beaming at him. "Go on," said Rodney.

Sheppard and Lorne made their way up the steps as the clapping began again.

The entire ceremony was a blur. John barely heard the words spoken about Lorne or himself. All he felt was regret that she was not here to see this. At one moment, he thought he saw her standing on the balcony outside her office, overlooking the Gate Room. She was in her standard grey trousers and red T-shirt with her arms folded across her chest. She smiled at him. He blinked and she was gone.

The party was in full swing. John had asked Jack about the wisdom of having a promotion ceremony and party before there had even been a debrief. O'Neill had put a hand on his shoulder and said solemnly, "Colonel, I have a rule as head of Homeworld Security: party first, debrief later."

The entire expedition seemed to be here, as well as some notable additions – Colonels Samantha Carter and Cameron Mitchell, Daniel Jackson, Teal'c and Vala Mal Doran, along with General Landry, all from Stargate Command. Rodney was making awkward conversation with Carter and Jackson while Teal'c was conversing with Ronon – what those two were talking about Sheppard couldn't guess, but at least they weren't knocking seven bells out of each other this time. Landry was talking with Carson Beckett and Jennifer Keller.

John had made the rounds, mingled with people and made polite conversation. However, he spent most of his time standing on the balcony outside the Gate Room. He rarely came out here now, the reminders of Elizabeth too painful. Today though, all he seemed able to think about was her, to the point where he imagined her presence at the ceremony.

It occurred to him that this was his second promotion since he had met her. He had never expected to be made a Lieutenant Colonel, let alone a full bird Colonel.

God, he really did miss her. It had taken a while for them to learn to work with each other – the number of times in the early days John had disobeyed her orders or disagreed with her methods led to some pretty heated discussions. At the time, they were cut off from Earth and he had only Elizabeth and himself to answer to. So he did what felt right to him. It was only as time passed that he realised that she also had the Expedition's best interests at heart and that if he discussed things with her they may be able to come up with mutually agreeable solutions. Once that had been established a form of telepathy evolved, each of them seeming to know what the other was thinking by the look in their eyes.

Still, when contact with Earth had been established, Sheppard had expected to either be replaced as military commander or for Elizabeth to be so sick of him she would push him through the Stargate herself. But she didn't. She got him promoted to Lieutenant Colonel instead – and made him feel he was worthy of it.

This promotion, though, this celebration – he did not deserve it. He had done the one thing that he never wanted to do –had never done before. His rule, his code: Leave no one behind.

He had broken it. He had broken it with the one person who really mattered to him, the one person who had truly trusted him. He had saved, or at least tried to save, everyone else in the past, whether he knew them or not.

In a way it was her fault. If she had been captured three years before she was, before he had become so close to her, he would have gone back for her straightaway – or he wouldn't have left without her at all. However, working so closely with her over the years, he saw how much Atlantis meant to her and that she would happily give her life ten times over to protect it and her people. So he put the city before her. He had never felt more conflicted before or since.

Sheppard walked to the door and it opened. It had been some hours since the party had begun and it was still only three o'clock in the afternoon. But after all they had been through, today had been declared as a day off and so the celebration would probably go on for a good while yet. John had had more than enough. Looking around, he noted that everyone seemed to be occupied and made a beeline for the exit.

He reached the transporter booth and breathed a sigh of relief as he activated the sensor to open the doors.

"You aren't staying?"

John inwardly shuddered. Teyla, of course. Who else would it be but the one person he couldn't bear to face? He didn't turn around.

"I…I'm tired," he stuttered.

"It is still early in the day," Teyla countered.

"Yeah, but this party's gonna go for a long while yet. Figured I'd take a nap and come back fresh." He went to enter the transporter, praying she would say nothing else.

"John, we must talk," she said gently.

Sheppard stopped before he entered the booth and his head dropped. "There's nothing to talk about."

"Please, John."

Sheppard slowly turned around to face her. "Look, Teyla, I am really sorry about yesterday. I was tired and I should never have unloaded on you like that." He looked into her eyes unflinchingly and lowered his voice. "But let's get one thing clear: we are never going to talk about it again." With that he turned, walked into the transporter and selected his destination, making sure the doors were closed before he slumped against the wall.