Author's Note: School is almost out for the summer which means.... summer school! I have to take what I can get that is offered in the evenings or online, so my choices are limited. But at least one of them should be fun. Acting 2 is all next week! But hopefully I will have more time without papers being due or anything like that. I hope that you enjoy this chapter and that it helps explain some things. Thank for reading, and happy Mother's day to all of you moms!
He grabbed a wrap from one of the servants, the ominous specter of her illness his constant companion. He hated himself for the way he was treating her. He was saying terrible things, but it was if it was someone else saying them as he overhead in abject horror. He didn't know what to do. He had never imagined a day when he would consider her frail, but she was. He was terrified to let her out of his sight, for fear that something would happen, and yet terrified to be around her. The worst moments in her life seemed to revolve around moments involving him. He was afraid that he would be the one to break her for good.
He couldn't shake the guilt from the accident. He had bated her on the stairs. He constantly questioned himself over the incident. They were on the stairs for God's sake. And the stairs were extraordinarily high. He had always known exactly what buttons to push. He prided himself on knowing her better than she knew herself. But he hadn't expected her to slap him. Somehow in that confession, in that terrible moment, he knew that she was growing to care about him and that she wanted this baby or she wouldn't have reacted the way that she had. And then no sooner than he had realized it, she was falling. It was his fighter's instincts that made him move as swiftly as he had to dodge her. He hadn't considered what would happen after. Perhaps he had been so stunned by the realization that she wanted this baby that he had been immobilized. He should have been able to save her, and yet he hadn't. It was if time had slowed down, and he watched in shocked, stunned, stillness as she fell.
He pushed the thoughts from his mind, knowing that those images would flash before him again, and it wouldn't even be very long. He needed to protect her and yet keep her at a distance. This pattern that they were in only seemed to intensify with the passage of time. He needed to find a way to stop it. He had tried to distance himself from her with softly drawled barbs, but it wasn't working. He didn't want to hurt her. Hadn't he already done enough of that? He was only trying to protect her.
And he had seen the pain in her face when he had tried to dissuade her from spending time with the children. He knew she didn't understand, but if she did, she would know too much. She would know just how much he cared, and he didn't want her to know. But he knew how Bonnie liked to play. She was used to wrestling with him and running and jumping and squealing, and Scarlett was not strong enough to deal with such an active child. She would be exhausted within a few minutes, and yet she wouldn't admit it. She never admitted that she had a weakness. And she would push herself far beyond her limits just as she had yesterday. She had pretended to be well, when she wasn't even remotely close to being well. But she was convincing enough that the children seemed fooled.
Wade and Ella he knew were still worried about the things that they had seen when she had fallen. He could still see their pinched faces as he ran past them crying hoarsely, cradling Scarlett's limp body in his arms. These images were not likely to be forgotten any time soon. Their mother, who they had once thought of as invincible, was nearly broken beyond repair.
And while he knew that her body was healing when she wasn't overdoing things, he would be a fool to think that the emotional pains had been wiped away as easily. She would never be the same. She might pretend that she was, as an actress she might be able to give the impression that she was still the light-hearted belle she once had been. That girl was gone forever.
He cringed as he held her arm to escort her to the waiting carriage, for every few steps he could feel her tense in pain and exhale a sharp breath. He wanted to shake her, take her back up to her bed, make her take the time that she needed to heal, but it wouldn't do any good. She was so stubborn that she would never listen to him or to anybody else.
When they reached the carriage, he tried to be as gentle as he could when he lifted her in, but in watching her face he knew that he hadn't succeeded. She was like a bird with a broken wing, and he wondered if ever again she would be able to fly.
Once she was situated with her back ramrod straight, Bonnie climbed up onto her lap. The faint wrinkling of her brow was the only indication of her pain, until she glanced his way. Good God! How on earth was he supposed to deal with seeing her in so much pain, and yet she was trying to be good with the children even though she was still far too injured to be up doing the things that she was.
Finally, knowing that it would spark her ire but knowing that it needed to be done, he called to Bonnie, "Angel, Daddy wants you to sit with him."
Bonnie turned her eyes upon him, her lip jutting out and her jaw tightening. It was the look she gave when she was prepared to do battle, whether it was over keeping a toy that she wanted to play with or for a candy that she was determined to have. And she never lost. "No, Daddy. I want Mother." She turned and patted Scarlett's face to emphasize her point.
"Bonnie, darling, I have candy for you." He cajoled, which only caused Bonnie to wrap her arms around her mother's neck tightly.
This time Scarlett could not suppress the cry of pain. Bonnie looked up into her mother's face startled by her cry. "Momma?"
Scarlett bit her lip and brushed at a tear that had slipped past her guard. "Yes, baby."
"Does it hurt?" She asked her blue eyes wide with concern; her battle with her father forgotten.
"Just a little. But I'm all right. Just sit here beside me like a big girl." She said as the wrinkles by her eyes furrowed. He knew she was furious with him, as well as with herself for revealing her pain to him.
Bonnie moved so that she sat beside Scarlett, and placed one of her hands on her mother's in a gesture that warmed his heart even as he worried about Scarlett's health.
He wished that the ride would be over. Whether she liked it or not, he was sending her back to bed, or at very least, she wasn't going to stay in her corset a moment longer. The thing had to be cutting her in two! And as much as he wanted to avoid a confrontation with her, she was going to kill herself at this rate.
When the carriage finally pulled back up to the house, the new Mammy was waiting for the children. He handed Bonnie down and then got out of the carriage himself and lifted Ella out before setting her on the ground. Wade was worried about his mother, and he kept casting concerned glances in her direction. But she was hurting enough by then that she was oblivious to her son's observation. He reluctantly jumped down and followed his sisters into the house.
Scarlett hadn't even realized that the children were gone, when he climbed back into the carriage to help her up. She shook her head, as if trying to find her way back to the surface. She was as a sleepwalker, waking and stunned to find themselves anywhere other than in their own bed.
"Let me help you." He told her softly.
He could see that she wanted to refuse, but her pain was great enough that she was almost afraid for him not to help. He lifted her up into his arms even as she began to protest. "I can walk, Rhett. Damn you, you are going to scare the children."
"You already have them scared, even though you are trying like hell to keep them from realizing that you are still injured. You are so transparent. Bonnie even understands and she is the baby. Didn't you see the looks Wade was giving you? They are all terrified of hurting you, except for Bonnie. But even she was scared when you cried out." He vented as he climbed out of the carriage and carried her towards the house.
"Just set me down. I'm fine. Just let me walk." She pleaded.
"Damn it, no! Do you think that you are fooling any of us with your act? You little idiot, stop trying to act like everything is fine, when you aren't fine." He barked through clenched teeth.
"I'm better than I was. I am getting better." She defended.
His voice softened slightly as he entered the house. "I know that. And I know that you want to just get right back into your life, but I don't think you understand how close we were to losing you. You nearly died." He added as he began carrying her up the stairs. "And no, before you start yelling for me to let you climb the stairs on your own, I'm not letting you climb them. You were nearly about to pass out just riding in the carriage. I won't let you overdo things on my watch anymore than you already have."
"I'm not overdoing things. I am just trying to get my life back in order." She responded.
"I know. I know you are. I have taken care of the store and the mills. I might not have quite the gift with arithmetic that you have, but I can keep the books in good order and visit the store until you are able. Don't you think that we need to get you healthy again before we worry about things like that?"
She sighed and stopped arguing with him. The look on her face told a story of defeat and pain and sadness. She was silent as he carried her back into her room.
"I know I'm not wanted in here, but I refuse to let you continue wearing that corset until you are healed fully." He set her down and began unbuttoning her dress.
She struggled against him, "Just send one of the maids up to help me. I'm sure that you have something else that you would rather be doing."
"Stop fighting me. I don't want you to wait any longer. You need to be in bed. If you want to spend time with the children, then I will bring them in here and supervise." He finished unbuttoning her first layer, and began peeling the clothes away.
"I don't need someone to supervise me with my own children. I'm not going to hurt them. I may not be a fit mother according to you, but I would never do anything to them." She cried.
"It's not them that I am worried about. Bonnie is a handful on her own, and Ella is sweet, but she is awfully giddy. Between the two of them there is no telling how much harm they could do to you. Wade would end up trying to get them to settle down, and he would eventually have to come find me. I might as well save us all the aggravation." He continued talking as he slowly and very cautiously undressed her. Finally she was nearly completely disrobed. He began unlacing her corset, but it worried him that even the lightest touch made her tense. "Is there something that you aren't telling me?"
She bit her lip nervously. "No, Rhett. Just get it over with."
"Do I so repulse you that you are cringing that I am even touching you?" He asked with annoyance. "I know that I'm not Ashley Wilkes, but you've never been like this before."
She shook her head mutely, but then nearly cried out when he placed his hand on her waist to pull the garment off. He looked her in the face, and he knew that there was something that she was hiding. Finally to her embarrassment, he lifted the hem of her chemise. He was horrified to find the dark bruising that surrounded her midsection. "Damn it, you little fool. Women have broken their ribs pulling their corset as tightly as you think you must have it. And yet here you are with several broken ribs and you thought it was a good idea to wear this? You got out of bed, when you are still so injured. What were you thinking? Are you trying to kill yourself?"
She shook her head again. Tears were pooling in her eyes. What the hell was he supposed to do? She looked terrible. And worse yet that surge of emotion was bubbling in his chest. He wanted nothing more than to protect her, but how was he supposed to protect her from herself.
He hadn't seen her like this before. She wasn't crying because she wanted her mother as she had the night Atlanta fell. She wasn't crying tears to trick him into doing her bidding. She wasn't even crying tears of frustration. It seemed that her heart was broken, and that tears were the only natural recourse. It was even different from the night before, as she had cried for their lost child.
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to feel alive." But she was beginning to sob uncontrollably, so intensely that he finally pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest.
"Come now. You need to lie down. I'll get you something for the pain, and you will stay in here until I deem that you are well. Even if that means that I have to move back in this room to keep you from doing anything stupid."
She didn't protest as he carried her to the bed. She cried in pain as he lowered her down and then he covered her with one sheet. He fumbled around on the night stand until he had prepared a spoonful of the concoction that Dr. Meade had left for such occasions.
She was still sobbing, only pausing long enough to take the medicine. But as soon as Rhett set the spoon down, she cried out, "please don't go yet. Please."
He paused and looked into her tear filled emerald eyes and nodded. She was pulling him in again. He was powerless to fight against the spell she had cast over him.