Chapter 3: Emma

I had to try hard not to shut my eyes, but my eyelids were heavy and would soon close. My eyes burned, I was too afraid to close them, even if it were for a split second, fearing to fall asleep. Tears burned my eyes. One hung from my eyelashes and created a glittering sight for my eyes, giving me the illusion of sunlight.

I couldn't tell how long ago it was that I had slept. Maybe I had dozed off for a couple of minutes yesterday. But by this time, I was so tired that I knew I wouldn't be able to open my eyes again after closing them. You will never truly appreciate or realize how good it is to sleep, to doze off and just leave this world for a couple of hours. I thought off the promise that my dad had made in that chilling voice that still gave me goosebumps; ''I will break your bones if you close your eyes.''

I soon realized how this might have been the worst thing that he had ever done to me so far. It sounds easy, staying awake, but no human can stay awake forever, eventually your body will just shut down. Maybe it was for the best- to eventually fall into a long endless sleep, without ever having to wake up again.

At first I tried to stay awake by focusing on the horrible stench in this room. The smell of cigarettes, mold and feces. As much as you might think that a human would never get used to living conditions like these, they do. Eventually you don't smell the stench anymore, and the constant pain will become a daily routine. But it was the more horrible pain that I feared. The fear of him breaking my bones. I might never be able to walk again; a thing that kept me hoping for recovery, should I ever make it out of here.

I felt my mind doze off again and was too tired to fight it. I had to go asleep some time, I couldn't stay awake forever. Maybe, I could close my eyes for just a couple of hours. He had just left the house- if I would wake up in time, I might be awake before he'd be back and he would never have noticed.

I closed my eyes and sighed in relief as the painful dry feeling in my eyes disappeared and I fell into a sleep that was full of dreams. The dream was so peaceful that I was most likely sleeping with a light smile on my face. My dreams were filled with sunlight, raspberries, the smell of cinnamon, the sound of music, voices, people walking around smiling at me- actually noticing me. I wasn't alone anymore. It felt as though the dream took days on end- and would never stop.

But it did stop. I woke to an immense sudden feeling of pain in my rib cage and thought that I felt something snap. I gasped for air but had difficulty breathing without being in an immense feeling of agony and pain. I tried to move but as soon as I did, my hair was pulled roughly and I was confronted with the image of him. The smell of cigarettes and alcohol filled my nostrils as he tightened the grip on my hair. ''Wake up you little cunt!''

''Emma? Emma!''. My eyes opened rapidly and saw an older woman. As I tried to catch my breath, I slowly realized that it had been a dream, just a memory, and that the woman sitting next to my bed was Jenny.

''Emma darling- are you alright?'' she asked, clearly worried. I nodded and rubbed my eyes. Jenny had opened the curtains; it was clearly already past midday. I smelled something, and the smell of cinnamon. It was what I had been smelling in my dream. Just as I was wondering why Jenny would cook in the afternoon, I realized today was Sunday. Spencer.

I still didn't quite know why Jenny had invited him. Was she hoping that he could help? Do something that Dr Gregor couldn't? Or maybe she was just hoping that I would finally have social contact with someone that wasn't Mick or Jenny. Either of those reasons are a good one.

''Why don't you take a nice bath hmm? You're sweating like crazy,'' she smiled her usual warm smile and walked towards the bathroom to fill the bathtub. I never objected to things that Jenny proposed, plus maybe I felt uncomfortable telling her that I didn't want to do something.

I took my time, having a long bath and later fumbling around with the old record player that Mick had put in my room. I knew all the records they had already, but still loved the sound of them. The smells from the kitchen downstairs started to intensify and I knew dinner wouldn't be long anymore.

I was very occupied with trying to be occupied. Keeping my mind of things. I was nervous of Spencer coming to dinner. He had seemed like such a nice guy. I would probably just freak him out, have another illusion or be too afraid to talk to him. Even the idea of him being in the normal comforts of our house was strange, but not scary somehow.

Only an hour later I heard the doorbell. I walked towards my bedroom window and looked at Spencer standing in front of our front door with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. He wore a light purple lined shirt with a collar, which was half-hidden under a comfortable jumper. He wore a dark brown pants and Converse to top it all off.

I didn't want to look like a scared freak like last time, so I forced myself to descend the stairs, while I could already hear Jenny, Spencer and Mick talking in the living room. The talk seemed to be about my medicine, which Jenny was showing to Spencer who only needed to look at them for a single second and already knew the names and all the effects they had. He seemed puzzled and was thinking hard on something. Jenny looked up and noticed me.

''Ah there you are Emma,'' she smiled. Spencer turned around, the medicine case still in his hand. He smiled slightly, it seemed more out of politeness. Maybe awkwardness.

''Hi Emma,'' he said as he placed the medicine back in the cupboard. ''-are you well?'' he asked, sounding very much like a doctor. He scratched his neck and didn't seem to know how to behave in this situation. Good, neither did I. Luckily Mick broke the awkward silence and lead us to the dinner table which, for once, was set for four people instead of three. I sat down next to Jenny as usual and Spencer was quick to take the seat opposite of me. It was safe to say that Jenny prepared enough food to feed an entire orphanage.

It was clear that they didn't want to start dinner with the topic of my PTSD, so Spencer was asked about what he studied. He told us that he studied Psychology, Mathmetics, Chemistry, Engineering, and already had two Bachelor degrees in Sociology and Philosophy. It was then that I realized that he was some child prodigy genius. To be fair, it made me feel very dumb, since I hadn't even finished high school for obvious reasons. Next year Dr Gregor wanted me to start attending school again.

During the entire course of our dinner I could tell that Spencer was curious. He wanted to know more. But it didn't seem to be anything about the nosy curiosity of people who were always looking for drama to gossip about. No, Spencer seemed genuinely curious, and it frightened me a bit.

''So Spencer-'' Mick started and I knew he was going to ask. ''That confrontation with Dr Gregor was quite- out of the ordinary. And we can't help thinking that you might be right. You know- about the uh-'' he mumbled, forgetting what the term was that Spencer had used.

''Cognitive behavioral therapy?'' Spencer asked. Mick nodded.

''What does it do exactly- how uh- does it work?'' Mick asked and I looked at Spencer, slightly scared but curious at the same time.

''The therapy seeks to change the way a person feels and acts by changing patterns of thinking and behavior that are responsible for negative emotions'' he said as if this was a simple equation. We just stared at him and it took a frown before he realized that he had to simplify his speech.

''In general terms we would call it- rewriting trigger emotions. Through therapy Emma would learn to identify what makes them afraid or upset and we replace those things with less distressing thoughts.''

Jenny nodded slowly, ''So- you would just talk? Make her remember all the things that happened?'' Jenny said in a tone as if it were an easy thing to do. I felt my throat go dry quickly. The idea of having to relive those memories on purpose and revealing them to other people made me anxious and sick to my stomach.

''Would you be interested in giving it a try Spencer? We would very much like you to help Emma, if you would,'' Mick asked in an almost pleading voice. The reality of this conversation hit me like a ton of bricks. They wanted me to remember- to relive- to talk. Before Spencer was able to answer I had pushed back my chair and made for the stairs as fast as I could. No one at the table made a sound and just let me run upstairs, like Mick and Jenny normally would.

I made for my bed and sat on top of it, wrapping my arms around my legs, pulling them up to my chest. I knew that they were only trying to care for me, to make sure I would be okay. But I wasn't ready for this. All I wanted to do was live in this house and stay here forever. I heard a soft knock on the door.

''Emma?'' I recognized Spencer's voice. The door opened slightly and Spencer peeked around the corner. He didn't ask the awfully obvious questions that others would usually ask, the ''are-you-okay?'' Of course I wasn't.

Spencer walked in slowly and sat down on the very edge of my bed, leaving a reasonably comfortable distance between us. I studied him in silence, observing his brown eyes, deciding on whether I could trust him.

''Emma I- I'm not good at this but- I'm sorry we were talking like that. You were the first person we should've asked,'' he mumbled and I realized that what he said had indeed upset me.

''And I promise you that I don't want to hurt you, I just want to help,'' he mumbled. When I looked at him I felt like he was being sincere. It was nice of him to help me, but it was in vain. I knew I couldn't be fixed. I still hadn't said anything.

''Emma- if you don't want me to help you, I will leave and not bother you, I promise. But I promise you, I can help. I won't go too fast, we can go slow, start out simple. Unless you're in a hurry,'' he chuckled slightly. I felt my lips form into something that should resemble a slight smile. He looked back at me, almost begging me to let him help me. Somehow, I don't know how, I managed to nod. He smiled.

''Ok good Emma. But before we start- I need to know what you remember, what happened, and we can start building from that,'' he said. I immediately looked up at him as if he was asking the impossible. He smiled.

''Don't worry, you don't have to explain everything to me. How about you lend me that diary that Dr Gregor made you keep? That way you don't have to talk about it,' he offered and I decided I would be comfortable enough with that. I slowly got up from the bed to grab the diary from my desk and handed it to him. He took it and put it in his brown leather bag.

''I promise you'll have it back by tomorrow,'' he said. I nodded, feeling exposed, but not that scared.

Sorry it took so long guys. Enjoy it and please tell me what you think:)

x Cosette