this story is unbetaed and any mostakes are my own. i would like to thank everyone who followed or favorited this story. thanks a bunch.

Disclaimer: i dont own supernatural

Chapter Four

Cas knew just where to head. A few years ago Ellen invested in a bar on the out skirts of town, and Ash, a friend from high school, was currently working there. Maybe tonight could be salvaged. It had been a long time since the last time he had gotten completely shitfaced, but tonight seemed as good of a night as any. As he pulled into the parking lot of the Roadhouse and smiled as he noticed that it was mostly empty. Great he thought let's get this pity trip on the road. He pulled out his phone and sent a text message to Jo. I'm gonna need a ride at closing time tonight bring Gabe not leaving my car at the roadhouse. I'll give Ash the keys get them from him because I plan on not knowing who you are in a few hours love ya! He didn't wait for her to text back and he knew that Jo would not be happy about drowning this horrible day in a bottle of Jack but damn he needed to so fuck what Jo thought. He got out and locked his car. There was a tall man rocking a mullet standing behind the bar when Cas walked in, "Hey bro" he called "When did you get back didn't think you'd be here until Friday."

"Hey Ash… decided to come back early. Starting to see where that wasn't the best idea."

"Ah well what can I get you?"

"The strongest you have and keep them coming. Oh here" He said holding his keys out to Ash, "I texted Jo and Gabe to come pick me up at closing time." Cas said.

"So buddy you want to tell me what made your homecoming so bad that you want to forget it?" Ash asked his long time friend. "This isn't like you to drown your problems."

"Maybe not but I'm up for trying to night." He said downing the shot of whiskey. It burned going down his throat but it was just what he needed. He was staring in the reflection of the mirror that lined the back wall behind the bar. Ash was right Cas knew that this was not how to handle his problem but he needed to forget. Dean had kissed him, or hell maybe he had kissed Dean. Cas wasn't sure how they had gotten so close together. Cas was pissed. He just wanted to get out of sight of the startling green eyes that bore into him. He couldn't handle being under that gaze anymore so he walked out. He never thought that Dean would get up from his family and follow him out. Then they were arguing never breaking eye contact until they kissed. God why did that happen? How did that happen? It was not suppose to happen and then Sam came up after he had punched Dean. Oh god he had never hurt Dean before Dean had always done the hurting. He couldn't believe that Dean had never told Sam, so he did. He told Sam about his older brothers past very gay relationship. He couldn't believe that he hadn't told Sam. He had never told anyone but at that moment he wanted Sam to know. Hell a part of him, a big part still wanted to tell everyone, every little dirty detail of his and Dean's past. He wanted to rub it in Lisa's face that he once made Dean scream and moan his name. Cas was on his fifth shot before he knew it. He was starting to relax, to feel good, maybe until the door opened and he looked into the reflection of the same green eyes that had been everywhere all day. Cas' gazed moved from the tantalizing green eyes to the rest of the face the belonged to, he could see a bruise forming where he had punched Dean he couldn't control the small grin that crossed his face "Oh you have fucking kidding me." He turned his attention to Ash "Hey buddy hit me up with some more and leave the bottle, this day just got so much worse."

Dammit, Dean scolded himself; you should have realized that was his fucking car. How many other people live in this town that can afford a 200,000 dollar car? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Well hell what's the worse that he could, hit me again?A voice a little deeper in his mind told him what the worse thing Cas could do. He could tell everyone just like he had told Sam. He still could believe that Cas did that maybe he should just go sit down beside him and try to talk this out. Yeah that's what he would do just talk to the guy. "Hey Cas." He said weakly "I didn't realize that was your car I'm sorry. It seems like we had the same plan on how to end the night."

"Really Dean how many people in this backwoods town do you think could afford that car? Just leave me alone OK?" Cas said pouring himself another drink.

"No Cas we need to talk please ten minutes and I'll leave you alone just ten minutes Cas." He wasn't sure why he wanted to talk to Cas so bad. Hell he didn't even know what he would say but that kiss damn it brought everything back, all Dean knew was that he wanted Cas in his life. He needed to have Cas back maybe not as what they were before but he needed Cas, more than anything including Lisa.

"There's nothing to talk about Dean fifteen years is a long time there is absolutely nothing that you can say that will make me want to talk to you. You still don't get it do you?"

"Dammit Cas come talk to me and make me get it please. What could ten minutes hurt? c'mon buddy." Dean laid his hand on his shoulder he tried not to but he could help it. He felt Cas flinch underneath the weight of his hand.

"If I talk to you, will you please, for the love of god, stop fucking touching me Dean."

"Yes Cas. Ash can I get a beer? Come on let's get a more private booth." Dean got up and Cas followed him over to the far corner of the bar.

They sat on opposite sides of each other looking at each other Dean could see the aggravation on Cas's face. He looked adorable Dean thought well if guys could look adorable with piercing and tattoos could. Dean dropped his eyes from Cas's face over his chest and to his arms. Damn those arms those beautiful tattooed arms. It all seemed to be in black all but a random green ribbon that wove through the design and disappeared under his sleeve. Cas broke the silence first "Dean your time is ticking away so what's so important that you had to tell me?" Dean watched as Cas took another shot and refilled his tumbler. Hell at this rate Cas wasn't gonna remember what he said anyway so tell the truth.

"Damn Cas I don't even know where to begin I am so sorry for everything… What's the green on your arm mean?"

Cas was already regretting following Dean, maybe the alcohol was affecting his judgment, hell of course it was why else would he be sitting across from Dean in a back booth listening to him apologize for something he didn't seem to sorry about. "Cas, did you hear me?"

"It's a reminder Dean." he answered quickly hoping that Dean would let it go. Dean had to choose the one thing that was about him to comment on.

"What kinda reminder?" Dean asked taking a gulp of the beer that Ash had just brought over.

"A reminder Dean, one that reminds me that there are people like you everywhere that only care about themselves. It's a reminder to never love anyone like you ever again and I haven't. I have never found another straight guy that I wanted to be with."

"Oh" Dean said his face dropping into sadness. "Can we please try to be friends Cas? We were friends before anything else and this is a small town. And I'm pretty sure the doctor and the deputy are going to have to work together at some point in time so why can't we be friendly?"

"I have gone fifteen years without being your friend Dean you made your choice, and I had to live with it." Cas said taking another shot. Thank God the whiskey was starting to work, he could feel his head getting fuzzy and he was really starting to relax so he let of the anger for just a minute and confronted his ghost. "Dean you married her. You are raising a kid that's not yours and the whole reason you turned to me. I loved you more than anything I worshiped you I was willing to do anything to keep you. Hell I did do anything and you hide me away ashamed of what we were." Cas hadn't realized he was crying until the tears collected on the bottom of his chin. "And after months of you hiding me away I told you that it was either me in the public or no me at all. And you chose by throwing Lisa in my face, at my dad's wedding. I told you I would leave and I did. I might be back but Dean it doesn't change anything. Yes when I have to deal with you as a doctor I will and I will be professional but out here when I'm not at doctor leave me alone because the only thing that will make want to be around you at all is if you decide that after fifteen years you care enough to not keep me a secret."

"Cas, that's not fair. Why can't we just start over and be friends I won't make another move on you or anything but telling people about us might cost me my family, Lisa could leave and take Ben. He might not be mine Cas but he's mine son I've been there for everything. Cas please."

"Dean, I'm done. I know you, still after fifteen years. I knew you'd never tell anyone about me so that's why I said it. You're still the same scared little boy that you always have been. Goodbye Dean." Cas got up from the table, grabbing his bottle and glass, and walked back over to the bar he was still not drunk enough yet so he kept filling the shot glass. The fuzzier his brain got the better he felt. He knew Dean, Dean Winchester would never come out as anything other than a complete heterosexual asshole. The drunker he got the more he could feel Dean's eyes watching him from the corner booth. Dammit why can't he just look somewhere else?

Dean couldn't believe that Cas had asked to put everything on the line to just be his friend. Hell it wasn't like he wanted to sleep with Cas again. It's not like he had asked to be secret fuck buddies or anything. He just wanted to be Cas' friend nothing hidden or forbidden. He wasn't trying to stare at Cas it just kinda happened he saw Cas down shot after shot. Then Dean notice Cas stir to stand up. He turned and looked at Dean waited for moment seeming to having a hard time deciding what to do, the he started taking steps toward the booth that Dean was sitting at. Cas slid back into the booth and looked at Dean, very unhappily. "Can you please tell me why you think it necessary to continually stare at me?"

"I… um… I don't mean…to...Cas it's just that I donno… you look so different then you did…you know… back before you left." He stammered out taking a big gulp of his fourth beer. Dean tired not to notice how confident Cas seemed to be with half a bottle of whisky rushing through his system. He had seemed so confident all day but this was almost arrogant a lot like he had been in high school. Cas was beginning to act more like the teenager that Dean cared so much about, the teenager that haunted his dreams most nights.

Dean notice Cas lean over the table as he whispered in a husky raw voice. "Well take a picture it will last longer. And if you don't want people to know that I was ever what I was then it might be a good idea for you to keep the longing stares to a minimum." All Dean could think of was closing the distance between them, to feel Cas' lips beneath his own again. He leaned closer keeping his eyes on Cas, and then stopped himself, remembering where he was. He was sitting here with Cas in a very public place.

"I'm gonna go get some air." Dean said rushing to get up. He didn't think he could get to the door fast enough. He looked back once to see Cas sitting there alone looking at Dean with his head tilted slightly to the side. Dean wondered if Cas had wanted him to close the distance and claim him again. Of course he did. Kissing him in public was more than telling everyone that fifteen years ago he loved a boy. He opened the door and walked out into the crispness of a March Georgia night. Jesus Christ what's wrong with him. This goes so far beyond just admitting to a past relationship if he kissed Cas again tonight then he wouldn't be able to stop and he had Lisa to think about. What was he doing? He walked over to the front wall of the bar and slid down to the ground. He pulled his knees up to his chest and laid his head between them. He sat there and let his thoughts run through his head and they landed on the first time, well not the first time but Dean counted it as the first time, that Cas had kissed him. Dean of course was too messed up by how he felt to make the first move. It also happened to be the day he found out about Lisa getting pregnant while she was at her grandmothers in Valdosta over the summer. He let memory fill his mind and come full focused.

Cas threw Ash his keys and said "take everyone home after school ill pick it up later "C'mon Dean give me your keys and get in I won't hurt your precious baby." Dean did as Cas said and walked over to the passenger door of his beloved black impala and climbed in not saying a word. Dean sat there thinking about Lisa. God how could he have not seen it. She hadn't really wanted to be around Dean since she came back but it never crossed his mind that she had cheated on him. Of course the only girl he had ever really cared about since Cassie in sixth grade would cheat on him, not that he could be that upset that she cheated on him with what he had done, but what the fuck. The more he thought the madder he seemed to get and it was like Cas could sense that. They had gotten really closed in the past few months. Dean had even spent the night a few times always waking up with Cas wrapped in his arms. Yeah that had been led to a few awkward morning. And then there was that other night but he didn't talk about that, Cas reached over and placed his and on Dean's leg nothing intimate or anything just for comfort. It gave Dean a sense of peace. He could feel the calmness coming over him in an effect that only Cas managed to have on him. Lisa might have betrayed him but he now had Cas and somehow he knew that Cas wouldn't betray him. He had quickly become Dean's best friend and Dean loved it. Sometimes he thought that he loved Cas but then he would remind himself that he was straight and the only thing he felt was friendship. He tricked himself into thinking that the reason he felt so strongly for Cas was that Cas was his best male friend, Cas had surpassed Ash a few weeks ago and Sam was his brother so he didn't really count. He was thinking the whole time Cas was driving to his house. When Cas pulled into the carport, he got out and Dean followed.

Inside Dean walked straight up the stairs to Cas's room, and flopped down on the king sized bed in the middle of the white room. It seemed like forever before Cas came up holding a beer and a coke in one hand and in the other what appeared to be a pie. Yeah Cas knew him that well. Cas walked over to him and held out the beer to Dean. Cas, sat down beside dean, on the other side of the bed and placed a cherry pie between them with two forks. All Dean could do was smile, and Cas mirrored it with a beautiful flash of white teeth and his eyes lighting up with the smile. It was an amazing sight that Dean loved. Okay so maybe he did really like Cas like maybe more than a friend should like another friend. Dean could see that Cas knew he didn't feel like talking so he grabbed the remote and put on some lame crime drama show. Half way through the pie and Dean started felling a lot better; he was smiling with Cas at random insane commercials. Then the show came back on to these two guys walking up to a body in the middle of the night wearing shades "Douche bags" both Cas and Dean said at the same time. They both fell over into the middle of the bed toward each other laughing as hard as they could both almost on the brink of tears. Until Dean caught Cas's gaze and he was stilled into silence by the piercing blue eyes of his best friend's eyes. Jesus Christ those were some blue eyes. Cas had stopped laughing too and they were staring at each other, so close that Dean could feel Cas breath on his face. Dean's eyes involuntary flicked to Cas's lips then back to his eyes, a movement that Cas didn't miss, slowly as to give Dean warning as to what he was about to do. He began closing the small distance between them pausing for a quick moment just inches away from Deans mouth. Dean didn't move, he couldn't, he sat there looking at the bright blue eyes wanting nothing more than what was about to happen. Cas closed the distance and Dean's eyes fell shut. It was simple kiss, not one full of lust or raw hunger just a sweet simple kiss, that let the other know they felt about each other and that was that.

Dean was stirred out of his memory by a figure kneeling in front of him.