4.
"I met your old partner yesterday."
Nick is sitting with me for a while before he goes to work. I had a restless night with panic-filled dreams. I've never felt more trapped inside my body than I did last night and in my dreams I was constantly trying to get to Elliot, but failing every time. I think I even dreamed I was dying once. But here I am, still in the same hospital bed, freshly washed by the friendly morning nurse, who has confirmed to me that my medication has been decreased. She always tells me I'm doing so well and I like her. She's gentle with me when she washes me and she tells me I'm beautiful. She's also told me that I have another scan scheduled this morning. I wish I could write on their computer screens that I am alert and awake, and not a mindless vegetable. But nothing has changed and I know Nick is a little uncomfortable. We haven't known each other for very long, after all. I do appreciate that he's here though.
"He's quite a presence. I can see why you miss him."
Oh Nick, if only you knew.
"Munch talks about the two of you all the time. I guess no one saw it coming, that he'd up and leave like that. Not even him. He says he's been to see you and I'm glad."
Nick sighs softly and then continues. It's nice to be talked to, to still matter to people.
"I hope you can hear us, Liv, or at least sense that you're not alone. I know I'm not what he was for you but I miss riding with you. Working with you. I will never forgive myself for letting you go down into that basement by yourself."
He chuckles softly.
"Elliot tells me you would've taken my head off if I had suggested going with you and I suppose he's right. You think you gotta do everything on your own but you gotta know Liv … that we're here for you. You're not alone, unless you wanna be, okay? So once you come back to us, just remember that. You've got friends who care about you and who want to help you when you need a little support. It's alright to lean on someone every once in a while. That doesn't mean you're weak."
Nick sighs again and I think he is probably wondering if he's making any sense. I wish I could tell him he is. I know what he's saying is true. I'm not the easiest person to get close to, and I'm the last person to ask for anyone's help. But if I'm learning anything from this coma experience, it's that I really do need people around me. I used to spend entire weekends completely alone but now I treasure every single moment that someone comes to see me.
When Nick leaves, I'm left alone with my thoughts again until the nurse announces I'm going to be taken to my next brain scan. I take in all the sounds around me as my bed is being wheeled to the room where the scanner is. When I can only hear a soft hum, I know I'm inside the scanner. Lying still isn't exactly a problem for me, so the scans don't take long and a little while later, I'm back in my room. I try to relax and sleep some more because the hours are long when I'm by myself. I don't have a lunch break, since food is being pumped straight into my stomach through a tube. That's the thing in my throat. I'm used to it now. I would just like to taste some food again for a change.
It must be around one when my next visitor shows up, and I'm happy she's here.
"Are you ready for the next two chapters?" the ADA asks kindly.
I'm more than ready for some distraction. The mystery novel takes my mind off my own circumstances and off Elliot for a while and I really need it. Alex reads beautifully and I can hear how much she cares about me in how she reads to me. Knowing that my friends - my family - really cares, is tearing me in two different directions. I helps me get through the days, knowing that I'm not alone and that people still value my life, even now. And it hurts so deeply that I'm unable to return that caring. To tell them how much I value their friendship and the time they are devoting to me. I know I would never have let any of them get this close if I hadn't slipped into this coma and I wonder sometimes if this happened to me for a reason. I'm not big on predestination because I believe we can shape our own lives, no matter what has happened to us or has been done to us. But when something like this happens, and I'm rendered completely helpless, I have no choice but to rethink that, partially at least. Maybe sometimes things do happen for a reason. Or the event that shakes up your life, can serve a positive purpose. But for this event to serve a purpose, I will need to wake up eventually. Or rather, reconnect with my body. Otherwise, all the lessons I'm learning will go to the grave with me unused.
I want to laugh at myself. Who would have thought I'd go all philosophical on myself? Alex is getting ready to leave, telling me about her next court case. I wish I could go with her, just to listen in. As it stands, I'd even be content if they wheeled my bed into the courtroom. I guess my standards are lowering quite a bit and any improvement of the emptiness I feel here at the hospital, is a huge win. Why hasn't anyone thought of going out for a walk with me yet?
I try to sleep a little after Alex has left. I have no idea if I'll have more visitors this afternoon. I can only hope Elliot will be back tonight.
…
"Excuse me sir, you are Ms. Benson's boss?"
"I am. Captain Donald Cragen. Nice to meet you, Doctor."
"I hope this isn't inappropriate but since you're her employer, could I ask you if it's correct that Ms. Benson has no living relatives aside from a half-brother who is currently out of state?"
"Yes. That is correct. But our unit thinks of her as family."
"I've noticed that. She has a lot of visitors."
"We all care about her and we miss her very much."
"Alright. And do you know an Elliot Stabler?"
"Yes. He used to be in our unit too and he's Olivia's former partner. He resigned a few months ago."
"Do you know if he's visited Ms. Benson here?"
"He told me he visits her at night, when no one else is around."
"I see."
"Why are you asking about Elliot, Doctor?"
"Well, he's listed as Ms. Benson's emergency contact but I haven't spoken with him yet. Your whole squad was here when she was brought in so I think the ER personnel just assumed he was with you."
"Alright. And you're looking for him now because?"
"Well."
The Doctor hesitates and I'm counting on Cragen to push him a little. I have a feeling that there is something important he isn't saying.
"Could we just step outside for a moment?" the Doctor asks, but I'm greatly relieved when Cragen tells him,
"I'd like to stay here, just in case Olivia can hear us. She should know anything you know about her condition."
Thank you, Captain.
The Doctor agrees and starts talking about brain activity in a lot of medical terms. I'm glad my Captain is asking for clarification. What it boils down to is that the brain activity in my prefrontal cortex has increased quite a bit since my last scan, and that's where my emotions are. They can actually see that?
"So that might mean that Olivia can hear us, right Doctor?" Cragen asks, and I can hear the hope in his voice. I do love this stern but fair man like a father.
"We really can't say things like that with certainty, sir. What it does mean is, that Ms. Benson is experiencing things. Other scans don't show signs of disproportionate distress, but she may be aware that something is wrong."
"What do you mean by disproportionate?" Cragen asks, his concern for my well-being showing again.
The Doctor hesitates and I have a feeling he's glancing at me before continuing. Cragen takes my hand and squeezes it.
"Well, we have noticed that her heartbeat is slightly irregular from time to time, a little elevated in fact. One wouldn't hear it on the monitor but the computer keeps score. This started a few days ago. That would suggest that Ms. Benson may have moments of some awareness."
"Can you link those heartbeats to visiting hours?" Cragen asks. "Like, do they happen when someone talks to her or randomly?"
That's it, Cap. Investigate, I think. I'm so grateful he's having this talk with the Doctor in my room.
"I haven't analyzed the data thoroughly yet. I wanted to discuss things with Mr. Stabler first before we decide on some tests."
I hear Cragen shift, and when he speaks again I can hear he's turned towards me.
"Olivia," he says softly. "You can actually hear us, can't you? You know when we're here."
I can hear that he's becoming a little emotional.
"I would like to ask Mr. Stabler to come in but the phone number we have on record doesn't seem to be working anymore. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?"
The Captain promises the Doctor he'll find a way to get in touch with Elliot. He doesn't have a phone number or address handy but he assures the Doc that Elliot comes in to visit me regularly. I can only hope he'll be back tonight. I'm still not sure after last night. What is there left to say now that he's poured his heart out with me? After the Doctor and Cragen leave, I'm left alone with my thoughts once more. At least the Doctor will contact Elliot, so he will have to come back. The outcome of my brain scan gives me hope that they will start realizing soon that I am alert and awake, even if I can't move. I can only hope that there will be a way to help me connect to my disobedient body again.
I drift off to sleep after a while, still thinking about Elliot. It hurts to think about him now because I know he feels so lost and useless when he sees me. I know this because I would feel the same way. I yearn to hear his footsteps come down the hallway again and to hear his voice. To know that he isn't going to stay away. I need him to continue making me emotional because that seems to be the way to make others see I'm still in here. My brain is supposed to be functioning near normal again in most areas, so I need it to start controlling my body again so I can open my eyes, speak and move. I need to connect again. I need to connect to Elliot again. I need Elliot …
...
He's here.
I know he's here even before I consciously hear his footsteps. I don't know how but I can feel it in the way my neck hair stands on end. Is it really standing on end, I wonder. Or is my brain just registering that response without it actually happening? I can't tell the difference. The feeling of goosebumps trickles down my back as I hear him approach. All my senses are on high alert, even my vision, albeit in my mind. I imagine his blue eyes, his receding hairline, his strong jaw and his white teeth as he smiles at me. Then his broad shoulders, his muscular arms, biceps straining against the sleeves of his dress shirt, and the subtle movement of his abs beneath his shirt as he breathes. I imagine him wearing one of those light blue shirts I like so much because they bring out the color of his eyes. A dark blue tie and a dark grey suit.
I want to breathe a sigh of relief when he sits down beside me and grabs my hand. Instead, my body keeps breathing normally all on its own. I suppose that's good, or I'd be hooked to a machine breathing for me. Still, it's strange that I'm unable to even hold my breath. And I would if I could when I hear Elliot's next words.
"Good evening my love."
If that doesn't make my heart beat faster, I don't know what will. He says the words as if he's said them a thousand times. My love.
"Cragen tells me your Doctor is looking for me but I wanted to be alone with you tonight. I'll come in to talk to him in the morning. This is our time together, right?"
It's as if the temperature in the room has just gone up a few degrees. I am getting warm all over. Did I just hear an extra beep coming from my monitor?
"I'm just going to pretend that you understand everything I say and that you're going to wake up soon. Otherwise, I think I'd go crazy," Elliot admits. "You can't leave me Liv. Not now. Not now that I've finally come to my senses. I know that sounds selfish but ... "
He sighs and then lifts my hand to his lips to kiss it softly before placing it back on the mattress. My fingers ache to touch his face.
He is silent for a minute and then starts telling me about his day. About how he's been thinking of me and everything we've been through together. How he started developing feelings for me, that he tried to dismiss at first. I was one of the guys after all. You don't fall in love with people you work with. My own words, he reminds me. I remember, but I couldn't stop my own inappropriate feelings for a married man from developing anyway.
"I tried to reason it away, you know," Elliot says. "I mean, you were my best friend. You are my best friend. Of course I'd feel something for you. I'm supposed to have your back, like you have mine. We'd give our lives to save each other. That doesn't have to be romantic, does it?"
He chuckles softly and does that thing with his thumb on the back of my hand again. I can still feel where he kissed my hand, that spot is still tingling a bit.
"Well, it didn't have to and I didn't even want it to, but it happened anyway."
I picture him shaking his head. I don't know why I'm still lying here, completely still, as if he isn't rocking my entire world with his confessions. I want to scream that I felt the exact same way. That I feel the exact same way and that I'm so done with denying it all. I am one of the boys and Elliot has never made me feel like I was anything less. But the woman in me couldn't help falling head over heels for the man that he is. For years, having him beside me as my partner was enough. I told myself it had to be enough. But when he left … he left a gaping hole in my soul. I never got to have the man and now I didn't even have my partner anymore.
Yet here he is, baring his soul to me and telling me everything I ever wanted to hear. I didn't want to break up his marriage and I respected his choice to try and make it work, but that doesn't mean that I didn't want this … exactly this. Elliot telling me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Because that is what his words boil down to and I swear my heart skips a beat when he tells me,
"I'm never going to leave you again, Liv. Whether you wake up or not. I'm going to be right beside you."
His voice trembles and I know his eyes fill with tears when he adds, whispering,
"Until death do us part."
It's as if my own eyes fill with tears as well. It feels so real, I swear I'm crying. I know my soul is crying. Elliot will keep coming back here, even if he never gets anything out of it for himself.
I can feel Elliot leaning over me and I want nothing more than to open my eyes and see him again. I've missed him so much and I love him so much. I feel his breath against my cheek when he whispers again that he loves me. He's so close and yet so far away. He kisses my cheek and his lips linger there for a moment. Then he kisses my cheek again and moves his lips to the corner of my mouth. I feel like I can't breathe and for a moment I think I'm actually holding my breath. Elliot's lips brush against mine when he whispers my name. My lips are parting … I think. Did Elliot do that or did I? My lips are tingling as if there is blood flowing through them for the first time in a while. It's almost like that feeling when you've been sitting on your foot for a long time and you're trying to walk again. Pins and needles is what they call it and it's what I'm feeling now.
Elliot kisses me very softly on my tingling lips and I long for more than he's giving me. I sigh … and I suddenly realize I actually sighed. Audibly.
"Liv?" Elliot says softly.
He has pulled back and I can feel that he's staring at me. Then, slowly, he leans in again and I hope he will kiss me again. My lips are tingling less now. They feel like they're still parted slightly. I feel Elliot's breath on my lips and when he kisses me again, a sound startles me. Then I realize it was the sound of my voice. A soft grunt that echoes loudly inside my head because it's been weeks since I heard it.
"My God," I hear Elliot whispering.
My right hand twitches.
My right hand just twitched!
Kiss me again Elliot. You're kissing me back to life. I pray that he realizes this.
Elliot kisses my forehead, then my eyelids and my nose. Little butterfly kisses that make me want to smile. His lips brush against my cheek and then he kisses my lips once more, a little more firmly this time. My throat makes that sound again and then I am kissing him back. I actually move my lips to kiss him back and I am overwhelmed.
...