Chapter 4

Miku made her little oompa loompa dance as she tried to put on her leggings. She then shoved her sports tank top on, feeling it wrap around her like a second skin. The clothes felt abrasive against her. She hoped that it was only uncomfortable because they were new. She shuffled her hair around before tying it into a ponytail with the elastic hair band Yotsuba gave her. The back of her neck tingled as it was exposed to the cool air.

She looked at herself in the mirror. She felt exposed. She felt as if she was cosplaying for a gym convention. A fraud who was only pretending to look healthy. The type of person to post vegan foods and gym clothes on Instagram. She felt fake.

She hoped that she would get used to the clothes and feelings. If she exercised more, she would eventually find it natural. Right?

She got picked up her drawstring bag along with her jacket and headed downstairs. She silently cursed when she saw Fuutarou sitting in the living room, teaching Ichika and Itsuki. She really didn't want anyone to see her like this.

Ichika greeted her first. "Oh, Miku! You're looking great. Heading to the gym?"

Miku nodded she sped-walked past them. She made her way to the entrance, shoving her feet into the holes of her tennis shoe.

"Woah, what got you so…'worked up'?"

"Bad pun, Ichika," Itsuki muttered.

Fuutarou got up and looked at the two sisters first. "You guys try to finish the next problem, okay? I'll be back real quick." Then he made his walked toward Miku.

He stood next to her as she waited for the elevator. They both stared ahead.

"I didn't know you were the type of person to exercise," Fuutarou said.

"I'm not."

"Well, you're going to the gym right? Then you clearly are."

"This is my first time."

"If I recall, a Chinese proverbs says a thousand mile journey begins with one step."

"Is that so?"

The elevator crawled it's way up. The ticking sound filled the silence between them.

"You haven't been to our study sessions in a while."

"I'm sorry," Miku said. "I've been busy with my working schedule."

"I was just…worried."

"If you're worried about me failing," Miku said. "Please don't worry too much. I'm doing my best to study on my own and I promise I'll go to more study sessions."

"That's not…what I meant."

She turned toward him, curious. "What do you mean?"

He looked away from Miku, lifting his hand to cover his mouth. "I just… wanted to know if you were doing- you know, okay and all."

It took a while for Miku to process what he meant. The silence between them was rhythmically disrupted by the beeping noise of the elevator.

"Oh," she realized. She giggled softly. "You could just ask me normally."

"I'm not used to asking people stuff like this, okay?"

"I'm okay, Fuutarou-kun. Really, I am. Thank you for asking."

Fuutarou crossed his arms. "I'm not saying I doubt you."

"But you do."

He shrugged. "Something feels off, I suppose. It's weird."

"To put it in perspective, you're tutoring quintuplets who can barely pass a test. You should be used to this by now. So what's actually bothering you?"

"The fact that my friend is unwilling to share with me her problems."

Miku looked at him. "We're friends now? Weren't you the one who said we're strictly partners?"

Fuutarou flinched. "Things may have changed since the fireworks."

"Is that so? Then I'm glad." There was a ding and with it, the elevator opened. She stepped in.

"Wait, Miku!"

She tried to smile to him. "It's alright, Fuutarou-kun. I'm alright."

"No, you're not."

"Go help my sisters, Fuutarou-kun," Miku said as the door closed. "They need you."

She stared ahead as the elevator descended. Miku was okay. Miku was alright. Because she didn't have any other choice but to be.

She stepped into the gym and she instantly regretted her decision. The floor expanded far and beyond, rows of treadmills and indoor cycles filled the area. Racks made for squatting loomed around the area, fortifying the gym. Gigantic dumbbells and plates were placed around, like statues to be admired at.

She didn't belong here.

Miku examined the paper she was holding. It was a workout guideline that Yotsuba made for her.

Of course I'll help you! I'll make sure you can become the next Lebron James!

Wait, Yotsuba, that won't be necessary. I just want to be-

I'll be right there to train you!

It's alright. I just need to be able to work out on my own.

Oh, okay! Follow this workout sample and I'll guarantee results!

She glared at the messy paper. She first read:

WARM UP! 7 Minutes on treadmill! (8 mph!)

"You need to calm down on your exclamation points, Yotsuba."

She looked around the gym floor and settled on a treadmill that was secluded on the human eye. She didn't want her fiasco to be known by anyone.

She got on and fiddled with the buttons, unsure on how treadmills work. Warm up, is that what Yotsuba meant? Cool down, okay so not that…right? Interval, what's that suppose to mean? She hesitantly pressed on the buttons based on their color, hoping it would do something.

A stranger walked by. "You press the green button first before you can start the warmup function, miss."

"Ah…Thank you." She blushed, feeling mortified. She quickly pushed the buttons, hoping to start so she could forget about the embarrassment. She breathed a sigh of relief when the treadmill starting to move. She lifted one foot after the other, slowly catching the rhythm. A rhythm that matched the speed of a bullet train.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Righ- wait, no. Left. Crap, the treadmill was going too fast for her.

Miku felt herself panting harder and harder. Her lungs felt like they were being squeezed by a python. Her heart was pounding against her chest, demanding her to stop. She was sweating profusely.

She immediately paused the workout. She stumbled down on the floor and naturally felt herself leaning over her knees. She coughed a bit, her throat scratchy from breathing to hard. Her head felt like it was floating in air and her ears were buzzing.

It was only a warmup and she felt like she was dying.

"Don't quit on me yet."

"What- gasp- do- gasp- you want, Yotsuba?"

She handed Miku a towel, which she gratefully accepted.

"Well, I was curious on how it was going to go."

Miku slowly caught her breath and looked up. She noticed how natural Yotsuba looked with her sport ribbon tied to her hair with black leggings and a sports bra. "How do you expect me to sprint for 8 minutes?"

Yotsuba laughed as she patted Miku on the back. "But that got you warmed up, right?"

Miku felt herself fill with dread. "That was only the warmup," she realized. That fiasco in it of itself was more than she ever did in her life.

Yostuba cheered. "It's okay, don't worry! I'll help you out for today."

Miku looked at her warily. "You really don't have to."

"But I want to," Yotsuba said. "Exercise is important and vital for your health. But if you do it wrong you're going to get hurt really badly!"

She offered Miku a hand and gave her the smile that she always wore. It was that stupid smile that could make any bad day good again.

Miku took it and followed her around. She couldn't help but stare at the toned muscles on Yotsuba's back. There was a perfect slope that curved into her slim waistline and back out for her hips.

"Today, we're starting out with a bang!"

"Umm, how about we start small and work our way up."

Yotsuba waved it off. "Go big or go home, Miku!"

"I'll like to go home then."

"Okay," Yotsuba said as she ignored Miku. She picked up what seemed like an iron rod. "This thing," she point at the rod that went up to her height, "is an Olympic barbell. By standard, it weighs 45 pounds. We'll be starting off with back squats. Look at my movements and follow them. Don't worry about messing up because I'll help you along the way."

There was a sharp look in Yotsuba's eyes that Miku never saw before. She watched as Yotsuba moved with precision and focus. She was like a sharp blade wielded by a samurai master.

"Okay," Yotsuba said as she placed the weights back to the rack. "That's basically it. Make sure to keep your toes pointed outward, it'll save your knees. Oh, and don't forget to place the weight on the heels instead on the sole. Keep your core tight and breath out when you perform th-"

"Woah, woah, Yotsuba. Slow down," Miku said. "I can't catch that all."

"Ah, sorry. I was just excited to teach you. Here, I'm taking off the weights because I want you to get the feeling of it first. Make sure to perform five total."

She gently placed the barbell that was resting on the squat stand. It dug into the fat of her shoulders. She took a deep breath, gathering up the determination inside of her. She step forward and immediately felt pressure drag her body down.

She bent her knees, trying her best to emulate it the way Yotsuba did. Once she felt like she squatted down far enough, she tried to get up. She felt a deep, painful stretch. A knife seemed to have cut across the back of leg and up to her hip. She extended her knees out and felt her legs give a quick shake.

She took a deep breath again. It went like this four more times, each movement becoming more and more unstable and painful than the last. After resting the bar back on the stand, her legs shook like a newborn deer. It was on fire.

"That was-"

"That was pathetic," Miku said.

"Don't be so harsh on yourself," Yotsuba said. "You can't-"

"Excuse me, ladies. I couldn't help but see how you were performing the squat and offer you assistance."

The man that approached them was wearing his cap backwards. He had a thin and tight tank top that somehow exposed his nipples. He had an inflated chest with balloons inserted into his arms.

"We're completely fine on our own, thank you very much." Yotsuba rolled her eyes as she crossed her arm.

The muscle dude raised his hands, as if to surrender. "Well, don't mind me then." He left, but turned around last second. "But don't hesitate to call for me if you need any."

"We won't," Yotsuba scoffed. "Ugh, those types of body builders always annoyed me. As if they think having muscles is actually going to make us drool," she said as they watched him walk away.

"I'm surprised you were able to do that. Usually you're so nice."

"I guess it's because I feel more aggressive when I'm working out?" Yotsuba laughed.

"Does this happen often to you?"

"Well, not really. People who workout usually respect the rules here."

"Rules?"

Yotsuba scratched her chin. "Well, it's like an unofficial rule, you know? You give people respect and privacy when they're pretty good, especially if they're girls. Like lifting heavy and all. A veteran respect, I suppose. I guess he thought he could hit on us because he thought we were weak. Sort of like, let-me-hit-on-these-girls-by-trying-to-teach-them, kind of thing?"

As Miku slowly chewed on what Yotsuba was explaining, she felt guilt prickle inside of her. Was she dragging down Yotsuba?

"It's no matter, let's get right to it!"

"Huh? I thought we were done with this?"

"Are you kidding me, Miku? We got four more sets."

Four more sets. That was 20 more squatting movements. She barely made it past five.

"Great! Now to our next one: it's deadlifts!"

Miku felt herself in great danger and she contemplated why she bothered to exercise with Yotsuba in the first place.

After trudging past the last exercise, she was gasping for breath. Her legs were on fire and she could no longer stand. She felt her face flush as she leaned against the wall. She could feel the stares, a hundred pair of eyes silently judging her lack of fitness. She felt weak. Well, she was. But she felt out of shape. Not in a way of gasping for air like a fish, but in a way where she felt her body was unnatural. As if it was lumpy mush of clay, enveloping itself in a layer of thick, sticky blubber.

She poked the arm that was exposed by her tank top. It was flabby against her sides. She then watched Yotsuba who had her muscles perfectly line up on where they were supposed to be. If they needed a real life body to teach medical students about anatomy, Yotsuba would be perfect.

She remembered when they were kids. They were the same. How hard did Yotsuba work to get where she was now?

Miku could barely survive the warmup. She could barely do a proper squat. She was weak, inflexible, and slow.

She felt pathetic.

"Hey, I know you're feeling bad about yourself right. Don't." Yotsuba scolded as she walked next to her. "It's okay."

"I'm fine. I have my beginner's excuse, right? I'm proud of myself."

"Miku, it's okay."

Miku scowled. "I told you. I'm fine. I'm-" Her legs wobbled and she felt her body collapse down on itself. Luckily, Yotsuba caught her before she could hug the ground.

"You should have let me fall," Miku muttered. "That way, I could have performed on more rep of squats."

Yotsuba rolled her eyes. "Ha, ha." After helping Miku stand properly, she leaned forward with her hands reaching away from her. Piggyback ride.

Miku sighed in defeat. She stared down at the ground, unwilling to see how much of an embarrassment the scene would be. Maybe it was her imagination, but she could feel the stares stab straight into her as they- or more precisely, Yotsuba- walk out of the gym.

They walked in silence before Yotsuba decided to be Yotsuba and try to cheer up Miku.

"I'm not like you," Miku interjected Yotsuba's pep talk. "You didn't need my paper because it's your workout, right? This workout was made for you, not me."

"Well, actually," Yotsuba said. "I only did this workout for two weeks. You got to switch your routine so it makes your muscles uncomfortable."

"You seem plenty of comfortable to me."

Yotsuba shrugged. "Today was still painful and I feel really sore."

"You're kidding."

"You of all people know how bad I am at lying. My legs are actually killing me right now."

"Then why did you offer me a piggyback ride?"

"Because I thought you would need it."

Miku stared at the ground. "Put me down."

"No."

"Put me down, Yotsuba!"

"You worked hard today. You must be exhausted."

"But so are you!"

But Yotsuba only tightened her grip on Miku. She continued to walk and Miku wondered just how strong Yotsuba is.

"I'm fine. Besides, we're almost there."

Miku rested her head against Yotsuba's shoulder. "You're impossible."

The silence between was only interrupted by the speeding cars. The glaring light of the sun setting down was behind them. Miku felt the slow, rocking rhythm of Yotsuba walking calm herself down.

"How do you get so used to the pain?"

Yotsuba kept her eyes straight. "Hmm?"

"I'm sore all over right now. I feel like someone stabbed my leg with a machete."

"Don't worry, you'll really feel it tomorrow morning."

"Geez, thanks." Miku rolled her eyes.

"But you actually don't."

"Excuse me?"

"I wouldn't really say you get used to the pain, you know?" Yotsuba considered for a while. She looked up, thinking how to explain her answer. "I guess what I'm saying is how you don't really get used to the pain, but you grow to accept it?"

"They both sound the same to me."

"I think it's weird too," Yotsuba laughed. "But I think you'll learn what I'm kind of talking about when you do this longer."

Miku tightened her embrace around Yotsuba. Could she actually be able to improve? With the way things were at the moment, Miku didn't believe so. She was no way near Yotsuba. The idea made her laugh. "Remember when we were young and I used to give you piggyback rides all the time?"

"Yeah," Yotsuba said. "I do."

"Times have changed since then."

Yotsuba giggled. "I have the power now."

"Don't get cocky," Miku said. "I talked with Fuutarou before. You know, when we had our tag game during the ski day."

Yotsuba's head perked up and her eyes glanced towards Miku. "Oh?"

"Well, I thought about tying some weights on your shoe or something. I was thinking about how to make things equal for the rest of us."

"Wa~ I don't like the sound of that."

"Relax," Miku smiled. "Fuutarou shut the idea down."

"Hmph, I knew Uesugi-san was always on my side."

"He said about not making it equal, but fair."

"Hmm, those two sound awfully similar to me."

Miku sighed. She lightly smacked Yotsuba in the head. Leave it Yotsuba to be airy. "You have the best grades out of the five of us in language arts. Use it."

"Let's not be so rude here."

Miku continued after laughing. "When we were kids, we were all the same. But eventually, we grew up to be different."

Yotsuba walked ahead a bit before responding. "I guess so."

"You must have worked really hard, Yotsuba," Miku said. She hugged her sister tighter. "You must have worked really hard to be like this."

She wondered how long Yotsuba spent in the gym, exercising to be as athletic as she was now. All by herself. She figured it out all by herself. Miku had Yotsuba to help her and even then, it wasn't enough.

Miku felt bad to use Yotsuba's achievements to berate herself. She wasn't being fair to Yotsuba. Yotsuba was the cheerful girl who could brighten anyone's day. She was the sunshine. She was the harmonizer in their family.

"Hey, stop that," Yotsuba scolded.

"Stop what?"

"Stop doubting yourself. You did great today."

"What if I was giving myself a pat on the back for being healthy? I'm adulting here Yotsuba."

"No need to be sarcastic. I can feel you brooding on my back."

Miku sighed. "I felt like a newborn giraffe learning how to run."

"And that's completely okay because we all have to start somewhere at some point."

"There it is. You and your disgusting optimism."

"Do you not believe me?"

"I'm not saying I don't…"

"But you don't."

Miku pursed her lips. "Throughout the entire time, I felt like I was doing something that was meant for you."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I didn't plan on discouraging you. I just wanted to help."

"It's okay, Yotsuba. You did."

"But then-"

"This is on my insecurity, not your compassion. Don't beat yourself for nothing."

"Funny," Yotsuba said. "I could have said the same for you."

Miku wiggled around a bit. "Yotsuba, I'm okay now. I think I can walk."

"Are you sure?"

"I'll be fine," Miku promised. Yotsuba looked uncertain but loosened her grip on Miku. She let her feet touch the ground and she immediately regretted her choice. "Not again," she muttered as her feet collapsed under her. Her vision went static as she felt a buzz on her head. Luckily, Yotsuba caught her in time.

"If you're going to say 'I told you so', I'm going to shove you in front of a moving car."

"I doubt you'll be able to do anything at this point…I told you so."

"Yotsuba," Miku warned.

"Okay, okay," Yotsuba said. "And I thought Itsuki was stubborn. Look, you don't have to be on my back, but let me at least help you walk. I think you pulled a muscle from working too hard."

"You don't have to make excuses for me." But Miku relented. She shifted her weight as she leaned toward Yotsuba's support. "Someday, I'll be able to do this on my way. I'll be in perfect shape."

Yotsuba only smiled as they headed closer to home. They were almost there.

"You know, it doesn't get easier."

"You're kidding me."

"Maybe a little." Yotsuba laughed. "But…I remember when I first trained myself and how exhausted I was. And sure, I improved a lot. But I think what I'm trying to say is that I still have a lot more to go."

They were finally home. What felt like hours had finally ended. They approached the elevator and Yotsuba continued to talk. "I guess we'll always be in a state of process, huh? We're never at a point of 'being' but always 'becoming'."

"Yotsuba…that was actually really-"

"So I guess we should be human 'becoming' instead of human 'beings'?"

"And there you go," Miku sighed. "You just had to ruin your moment."

"How RUDE!"

Miku laughed. The elevator opened and they walked inside. On their way up, Miku considered what Yotsuba had said. She tried her best to improve herself and exercising at the gym was a part of it. That's how it was. She tried her best to improve her cooking and baking skills. She tried to become more open and social. She tried to be more healthy and athletic. But in the end, she felt that she came up short on every attempt to improve herself. Every time she made a step forward, she would feel herself retract back to the same Miku. She tried her best to become someone like Ichika, Nino, Yotsuba, or Itsuki. She tried to become someone amazing, just like her sisters. But in the end, she was Miku.

If people were always in the process of something, was she headed to her own failure or success? She was afraid to find the answer.

The elevator dinged and the door opened. They walked and Miku felt a wave of fatigue rush over her. She still had to study, but she was too tired to think. She wanted to lie down and sleep for as long as possible.

"Hey, girls," Fuutarou said as he turned to greet them. "How are-"

Miku stumbled across and threw herself on the couch. Stairs would require her to lift her legs. No.

"Miku, are you alright?"

"It was her first day," Yotsuba explained. "She exercised to exhaustion."

"Oh, good for her, I guess."

Yotsuba turned to face him and smiled. "You should join us!."

Fuutarou scoffed. "No thanks."

"Come on! It'll be fun."

"Did you finish your homework?" Fuutarou asked, ignoring her invite.

"Umm…I have to go take a shower!"

"Yotsuba! Get back here and show me your work. NOW!"

Miku felt herself comfortably drown at the couch. She felt the cushion hug her, telling her that she worked hard for the day. She felt another wave of fatigue roll by and she wanted to do nothing but sleep.

Miku closed her eyes, letting the rhythm of time and space to dull her to sleep. She hugged her duffle bag, trying to find comfort behind the agony in her legs.

A work in progress.

Always looking to improve.

Maybe someday, she would be able to walk on her own after exercise. Maybe someday, she would be like Yotsuba.

But for now, she was Miku. And for now, she was too tired to be sad about it.