This one is a bit less fun. . . enter angst. . .
Oh, and I'm operating under the assumption that Alicia believed what Will told her about the second voice message. I know there are other versions of her reaction to that floating around out there, but for the sake of this story, Alicia believed Will, and convinced herself that she must have misunderstood on the wire tap. Take it, leave it, but enjoy the story regardless.
And I've said it before, and I'll say it again, these aren't my characters. If they were, I wouldn't be here. I'd be out there making this happen.
Diane sat at her desk with yet another stack of paperwork before her. With a firm in bankruptcy and a partner that disliked handling details, there was much bureaucratic nonsense to fall into her lap these days. She looked up as she saw a flash of red through the glass wall of her office. Alicia was walking past, her sharp suit commanding attention.
Diane set her pen on the desk as she contemplated the younger woman. She wasn't sure why, but she couldn't figure Alicia out. Maybe she had gotten too used to the predictable behaviors of men after all these years of working in a male-dominated field. Maybe it was simply because Alicia revealed so little of herself, a consequence of being a political wife.
Just the week before, at their celebration of success in bankruptcy court, Diane had been impressed by Alicia's performance for the equity partners. At first she had looked on with pride as Alicia humbled herself for the sake of her career. Then she realized how good Alicia was at this kind of thing. It actually began to worry her. She knew that Alicia didn't feel truly grateful for the opportunity. She felt used. And yet, there was not the slightest hint of insincerity as she spoke with each partner individually. For a moment, Diane even doubted her own assumptions about Alicia's true feelings. Alicia was good at this kind of thing. Of course she was. She'd had years of practice. It had been her political savvy that had won election after election for Peter. Diane had begun to worry about the power Alicia would hold now as an equity partner. She was upset and she was good with politics. This firm had enough politics floating around the hallways. She was going to need to keep an eye on Alicia.
Since that night, Diane had realized that Alicia was not the politically calculating person she had momentarily appeared to be. Still powerful, still with influence but Alicia's conscience would stop her from being a great threat.
Watching Alicia walk away now, commanding attention with each step, she remembered following behind Alicia and Cary as they'd walked out of the courtroom together this morning. And the fact that she noticed Will check out Alicia's backside just after he'd declared "Game on" between the two teams. Yes, she was going to need to keep an eye on this.
***
Alicia returned to her office from yet another meeting. It had been a crazy day and she still needed to prepare for court tomorrow, when she'd be going up against Will and Diane. Turning her thoughts to Will was a mistake. A week ago, the day after their insane criss-crossing of the city and their talk at his apartment, Will had come to her office to check in on her. Their conversation replayed now in her mind.
"How ya doing?" he had asked with a smile as he leaned in on her office door.
"I'm fine," she replied with a smile of her own. She was still digesting what he'd said the night before.
"You're sure?" he questioned, stepping into her office for more privacy. Luckily, Cary wasn't at his desk at the time.
She just nodded, her eyes telling him more about her well being than her words. She just hadn't known what to say to him.
"Ok," he had said, drawing the word out as he seated himself. "You know I'm always here if you want to talk."
Again, she had nodded her reply, following up with a short, "Thank you."
Will had hesitated, not sure how to say what he wanted to say. "Alicia, I want to talk again. Not right now, let's give it some time, but I do want to talk a bit more. Would that be alright?" His eyes had looked up to hers, fearful of her response.
"Yes, of course Will, it's fine," she had said quickly, a bit flustered by his request.
"Ok," he stated. He remained in the chair, as if he wanted to say more, then stopped himself and rose to leave. He had turned back to her before he reached the door, saying "Diane told me that you accepted the partnership this morning. Congratulations!"
"Thanks," she had said with a smile.
"Let me know if you need anything. Anything at all, ok?" his tone had been confident but his eyes revealed his own uncertainties about the rocky relationship between them.
"Ok," she had agreed, nodding and smiling and watching him walk away.
In the week since, Will's words kept echoing in her mind. Either she was more transparent than she thought or Will was exceptionally good at reading her, because he had told her things she didn't even know about herself. But he had been right. She was terrified to move on. Her desire to move on had driven her to Will and then back to Peter, but her heart kept stopping her from getting too close. Seeing what had happened to her when Peter's affairs first came out, and then what happened when she learned about Kalinda, Alicia couldn't imagine ever recovering from heartbreak and betrayal a third time. She just didn't have it in her. She wasn't sure what to do about that. It was what it was and she didn't see a way out of it. If she knew how to get past those feelings, wouldn't she have done it by now? If something could have saved her from that pain she felt when she learned about Peter and Kalinda, would she feel normal by now?
Alicia brought herself back to reality. She had a case to prepare and she needed to focus. She didn't have time let her mind run wild. She had to admit that she'd often been distracted by wondering what was on Will's mind and digesting their conversation in the past week, but now it was time to put those thoughts aside and get to work.
She buried her nose in the notes and reports in front of her. She felt that she was making headway on the case and putting together a good strategy to follow in court. She consulted with Cary, her co-counsel, before he headed home for the night. Her kids were with Peter and she felt like she was on a roll, so she decided to skip dinner and remain at work awhile longer.
It only seemed like a few minutes later that she heard Will rapping on her door frame as he asked to enter. A glance at the clock tells her its been a few hours and a glance out of her office tells her that most everyone else in the office has probably gone home.
"Sure," she replies to Will's request to enter. He finds a seat and takes a deep breath.
"How are you doing?" he asked, his eyes telling her that he is looking for more than an automatic response.
She sighed, allowing her shoulders to sag just a little. "I'm hanging in there," she said.
"And after we talked the other night, you're ok?" he raised his eyebrows in concern for her.
"Yeah, I've been thinking about it alot. It's just a long process, you know?" her tone revealed how weary she felt at the end of this long day.
Will missed this cue from her as he continued on with what he'd wanted to talk about. He sat back in the seat as he began. "Alicia, I need to tell you that I lied to you. That day that you came to my office and asked about a voice mail. I told you that the message I left for you said that you made the right decision, but that was a lie. That's not what I said at all."
Will could tell from her expression that she was surprised, but she said nothing, and so he marched on. "The second message I left you said that I love you. That I've loved you ever since Georgetown." Alicia couldn't contain her gasp, and Will paused just a second before he continued. "I asked you to call me and we'd make a plan. And I said that if you didn't want to call me back we'd drop it. When I didn't hear from you, I assumed that you wanted to drop it and that's why I never mentioned it again."
He checked Alicia's face to be sure she was still with him. She was obviously shocked and was still processing what he'd just revealed. He wanted her to hear the rest of what he had to say and so he started again. "I didn't want to pressure you, Alicia, and I don't want to pressure you now either. But after our conversation the other night, I wanted to make myself clear. I know that you have a lot of things to figure out, but I want you to know that I'm here for you as more than a friend if that seems right to you. And if not, I'll always be your friend." His tone was gentle, calm, much more calm than he was feeling inside. And with each passing second that she didn't speak or affirm his feelings made him more and more uneasy.
Alicia opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again. She swallowed, turning her eyes away from him as she collected her words together. Tears stung her eyes, but she blinked them back. There was no way she was going to let herself cry now.
She sat up a bit straighter as she began, "I just can't believe this. That you would lie to me." Her eyes widened, emphasizing her point. "That you lied to me every day of the last 3 years. That you lied to me every time that we were together last year." She furrowed her brows, hardening her expression as she hardened her heart against him. "That you lied to me about that phone call when you said 'I love you'. Why? Why would you do that?" her voice had lowered, almost to a whisper as she spoke.
Will's eyes searched the space behind her for an answer, the best answer, the one that would turn this conversation around. When no magical answer appeared behind her head, he filled in with his own words. "I didn't want to complicate your life, Alicia." his words came out as a sigh.
Anger flared in her eyes as she said to him, "But it's my life. You don't get to make decisions about my life, Will. I am so sick of having to live with the decisions that every one else makes for me. Do you know what would have happened if I heard your voice mail? I would have flocked to you. I would have left that stupid press conference without even a second glance at Peter. If you would have just made certain that I heard your words, do you know how different everything would be today?"
She stopped to swallow, and Will tried to speak up as she paused. "Well now we have the chance to make that happen," he said, a bit intimidated by her angry tone.
"No," she said bitterly. "No, we don't. Things have changed since then, Will. Things are different. I'm different. If you had told me at the time, or at least not lied about it when I asked you in your office, then there would have been a chance. But I'm not the same person anymore, Will."
Will was speechless. He sat, staring down at his hands, trying to figure out what to say to bring her around. "What's happened, Alicia? What's changed? I don't understand," he stated quietly.
She hesitated a moment before answering. Was she really going to say this? Yes, she was. "I found out Peter slept with someone else. Someone I knew. Someone close to me. That's when I kicked him out." She looked away from him, the tears swelling in her eyes and in her angry voice as she continued. "You know, you were right the other night. I'm screwed up. I'm really screwed up. Probably forever, but if you had been man enough to tell me how you felt, if we had been together, I wouldn't have had to go through that a second time. The first time was hard enough, but the second time has been hell."
Will felt his temper rising as he stood to his feet, towering over her when he spoke, "And you went back to him after that? Can't you see that he is the one that hurt you, not me?"
Alicia rose to his level to answer, her anger increasing with each word, "It's complicated, Will. There's more to it than that. And no, I haven't gone back to him."
"Oh, that's right," Will answered sarcastically, "You're just using him for sex. That's what you do."
"Well I have such worthy men at my fingertips," she answered in equal sarcasm, spreading her hands out before her to illustrate. "One who sleeps around and another who lies to me. Very trustworthy options, if you ask me." She paused, a thought blossoming in her mind, and she spoke before the thought was even fully formed. "And if you were really in love with me, how do you just ignore that and not talk about it for years? Even when we were together, you never said anything. I've been in love, Will" she cut her eyes to him accusingly, "It's not something you ignore."
"I wasn't ignoring it, Alicia, I felt rejected. I was repressing it," he spat his words out at her in defense of himself.
"Oh, yes, and if you'd just told me in person, there would have been no room for misunderstanding. But no, I'm not good enough to hear it from you face to face."
"How could I know how you'd respond?" his voice had now risen to shouting as they both ignored the fact that there could be someone in a nearby office to overhear them. "All I ever got from you was mixed signals. I kissed you, you kissed me, you ran away, you came back, you didn't want to pursue it, you wanted to go to dinner with me. Of course, this is all my fault!"
"Well, as long as we've cleared that up," Alicia said huffily, as she threw her bag over her shoulder and stormed out of her office. She marched to the elevators, Will traipsing along behind her.
"So that's it then? That's all you have to say?" he said out in the open hallway.
"What else is there to say," she sighed, finally calming down. "There is no us. There never will be. It's too late." The elevator arrived as she spoke and she stepped in without another word.
Will didn't watch as she left. He just turned around in the dark hallway, lacing his fingers behind his head and whispered to himself, "Can it really be too late?"