Screw the disclaimer, I have a non-profit fan-based parody!
CHAPTER 4 - In which Lelouch employs his formidable micromanagement skills to tell the most awesome person in the entire multiverse to basically f*uck off.
Utilizing skills he had acquired during his days as Zero, ruling Britannia as the Demon Emperor, and avid viewing of loli doujinshi, Lelouch stared at the man seated before him in his lavishly decorated office. "As much as I would love to make you the general of my army, I'm afraid you simply just don't have the qualifications I'm looking for."
"What are you talking about!?"
"Allow me to iterate." Picking up his candidates' resume, the Lord of Hell read off the man's qualifications. "Led a rebel army in rebellion of the powers that be. Good. Possesses an egregiously long sword that takes nearly five seconds to draw from its scabbard. Positive. Mentored the savior of the known multiverse by acting as a big brother figure. Noteworthy."
"I really don't see what the problem is here."
"No? Well then I'll just say it outright." Leaning forward in his chair, Lelouch told the job candidate what he thought. "Put simply, you just don't belong here, Mr. Kamina. As much as I would love to have the founder of the Guren Brigade lead my armies-"
"Actually, we had a name change. We're called Team Dai-Guren now."
"-I cannot give you the job. As a matter of fact, by all rights, shouldn't you be in Heaven right now?"
Kamina sighed. "Well, Heaven was good and all, until she showed up."
"She?"
"Miss Bossy?"
"Oh, you mean Suzumiya. I can see how that could put a damper on your stay in paradise."
"Yeah, I got out before she made mini-skirts mandatory uniforms."
"Why on earth would you-"
"The skirts weren't exclusive to women."
The two leaders shared a moment of silence in honor of the men who had chosen to brave the tyrant of Heaven. After the moment passed, Lelouch continued on. "As I was saying, I'm afraid I simply cannot appoint you as my new General."
After watching quite possibly the manliest man walk out of his door, Lelouch sighed. It was a big dissapointment, he had really wanted Kamina. Unfortunately, rules were rules, no matter how adept the Demon Emperor was at completely ignoring them. He pushed the button on his intercom and ordered the next applicant in.
"Name?"
"Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing."
"...take a seat."